Beverly is in Dana’s office.
Dana: Let me just say, it’s great to have you back.
Beverly: I was gone for, what, a week?
Dana: And it was not a great week. Did you see the shows they filmed without you?
Beverly: I thought they did their best!
Dana: “Did their best” is something a teacher writes on the report card of a student getting all Ds. It’s not ideal for the production of television.
Beverly: Jane could’ve grown into the co-host role!
Dana: She looked dead in the eyes!
Beverly: That’s just Jane! There’s nothing behind those eyes! She’s very stupid!
Dana: Then how do you supposed she would’ve grown into he job?
Beverly: Wishful thinking?
Dana: Your return was a godsend, that’s all I’m saying.
Beverly: I was the one who came to you and asked to be re-hired, you didn’t contact me. What was your plan if I never slinked back asking for my old job again?
Dana: Uh… move the show to a worse slot, let it flounder, and then cancel it and give Frances a different show. Those baking competitions are getting real popular these days, maybe we could make one of those with her in it.
Beverly: She’d never go for that.
Dana: Just, uh, don’t ever tell Frances and Marcia what the plan was. They’d be so upset.
Beverly: You expect me to not tell the egomaniacs that I single-handedly saved their jobs? How can you do this to me?
Dana: Just try.
Beverly: It’s gonna be hard.
Dana: You can do it. I believe in you.
Beverly: So, surely you didn’t just call me into your office to complain about how terrible Marcia was at producing and Jane was at being an on-screen talent. What’s the real reason you called me here? You better not just be buttering me up so you can drop some awful news on me!
Dana: It’s not awful at all!
Beverly: That doesn’t ease my anxiety.
Dana: TBC is doing a special even to air last week of June into July to celebrate the 4th of July. We’re going to film new episodes of every show airing that week, and a whole bunch of specials, and film special episodes in as many states as possible.
Beverly: We’re one of the top shows, did we get Hawaii?
Dana: You guys just did a show in Hawaii over Christmas, we’re taking it in a different direction for you.
Beverly: Michigan? That’s home for Frances, she’ll love that.
Dana: No. Almost as far away as you can get from Hawaii.
Beverly: Oh, Maine! Maine is beautiful, that’s Vacationland !
Dana: New Jersey.
Beverly: Good one! Dana… why are you not laughing?
Dana: We -
Beverly: You’re joking, right?
Dana: We think -
Beverly: You’re not joking! How could you?
Dana: We think your show is uniquely positioned to show off the many cultural attributes of New Jersey.
Beverly: Why are we being punished?
Dana: It’s not a punishment, I promise.
Beverly: Is every other state unavailable? Where’s DeAnna getting shipped off to?
Dana: Georgia.
Beverly: So she gets to make peach cobbler and meet Jimmy Carter, while we’re sleeping with the fishes and washing up on the syringe-filled beaches!
Dana: You know, I’m from New Jersey.
Beverly: I’ve heard it’s lovely, especially this time of year. Atlantic City, um… proximity to New York and Philadelphia… lighthouses, I think.
Dana: It has a lot to offer if you’re willing to give it a chance. I know Frances can showcase the culture well, and you can help. That’s why I’m giving you a month’s worth of notice on this, so you have time to prep for your week of shows there.
Beverly: We have to spend an entire week there? Oh my god, it just keeps getting worse!
Dana: It’s the economically-sensible option.
Beverly: You’re paying for the therapy I’ll need to get through this week of listening to Frances whine.
Dana: It won’t be that bad, she’s a professional.
Beverly: Is she?
Dana: Yes.
Beverly: Where are you sending Essie? Maybe you can send us there instead of her, she won’t mind!
Dana: She’s the one going to Hawaii?
Beverly: She just got here! This is BS! The shows with seniority should get to pick.
Dana: Beverly, don’t whine.
Beverly: I know.
The next day…
Beverly: Ladies, big news!
Jane: We’re getting a coffee machine?
Beverly: We have one?
Jane: Then why do I have to run and get coffee every day?
Frances: That coffee machine is for the crew. We get the quality cafe brew.
Jane: Oh.
Marcia: So what is the big news?
Beverly: Try to feign excitement.
Marcia: That’s never good.
Beverly: I want to start by saying that this was not my idea.
Marcia: Oh god, how bad is this about to get?
Frances: It can’t be worse than her announcing that she was quitting.
Beverly: I was going through a crisis, no one should’ve taken that seriously.
DeAnna: Oh my god! Can you believe the nerve of -
Beverly: You? No.
DeAnna: Dana is sending my show to Georgia to film. Georgia! Where the hicks are!
Marcia: Georgia is a beautiful state, don’t stereotype!
DeAnna: I’m not surprised to hear this out of you.
Marcia: What’s that supposed to mean?
DeAnna: You’re always policing thoughts.
Marcia: Sure.
Beverly: Anyway, ignore our rude new visitor. Ladies, Dana has decided to give us a week of shows in New Jersey.
DeAnna: Ha!
Beverly: Don’t laugh.
DeAnna: Ha!
Frances: N…N…New… Jersey?
Beverly: Yeah?
Frances: How’d that thought pop into her head?
Beverly: She’s doing an event where every show does a special episode or week of episodes set in a different state to celebrate Independence Day.
Frances: And we got Jersey? Did we do something wrong?
DeAnna: I’m gonna consider myself lucky with Georgia, I suppose. Man, you got it bad.
Frances: Thanks for rubbing it in!
DeAnna: Welcome!
Later that night…
Greg: You look defeated. You wanna talk about it?
Jimmy: I’m sure it was just a -
Frances: Trauma.
Jimmy: Okay, guess I was wrong.
Frances: My life is trauma.
Greg: What happened?
Frances: New Jersey happened.
Louise: What’d I do?
Frances: For once, nothing. No, this one’s the fault of your entire state, or, rather, my boss.
Louise: I’m lost and losing interest, speed it up.
Frances: So Dana had the grand idea to send shows from TBC to film in different states across America the week of 4th of July, in order to celebrate America or some hokey patriotic crap like that. Well, of all the states in America, she chooses to send MY show to New Jersey!
Louise: Oh my god, Frances! We’re gonna have the best time! I’m gonna show you all my favorite places!
Jimmy: Oh, look, she’s so moved that she’s crying.
Frances (sobbing): That’s not why I’m crying.
Greg: There there, bring it in. You’ll get through this.
Frances (sobbing): But I don’t wanna!
Greg: What can I say here?
Frances: Push me down the stairs so I break my leg and can’t fly!
Louise: Oh, you can fly with a broken leg. I have before.
Frances: This day just get worse and worse, now I can’t even injure myself to get out of going to the state that smells like an armpit!
Louise: New Jersey is a wonderful place, we have so much to offer!
Frances: Yeah, so did the Manson Family.
Louise: Did you just compare my home state to the Manson Family?
Frances: Yeah, it is unfair to the Manson Family.
Louise: You really don’t want to give New Jersey a chance at all?
Frances: I don’t have a choice in the matter, I have to go. And, since I have to go regardless, and I have to spend a whole week there, I will allow you to try whatever you want to convince me that New Jersey is a nice state. Heck, maybe you can help Beverly plan our trip and figure out what to include in the show.
Louise: If you promise not to dunk all over the state on your show, then I’ll help.
Frances: I will do that.
Jimmy: Look, a détente!
Greg: It’s sweet, in a way.
One month later…
Frances: Oh my god, what is that smell?
Louise: Home!
Lauren: Mom, you always said you were from Bayonne, not Atlantic City.
Jimmy: Funny, I always heard Secaucus.
Greg: I heard Asbury Park.
Frances: That’s Bruce Springsteen.
Greg: Oh, right.
Louise: Well, I did live in all off those cities. My parents moved us around a lot when I was growing up.
Frances: And somehow, they never thought to move you out of New Jersey.
Louise: You promised to give it a chance!
Frances: I promised not to mock it on the show, there aren’t any cameras rolling right now.
Marcia: And thank god for that, my hair’s a mess!
Jane: I forgot how scary planes are!
Marcia: You didn’t seem scared when you were clapping after it landed.
Jane: I was grateful we didn’t die!
Marcia: You thought we were gonna die?
Jane: I thought there was a chance.
Louise: You would.
Frances: So, you’re the big expert on New Jersey. Where are we heading from here?
Louise: It’s getting late, we need to get to the hotel, get settled in. Maybe we can go eat after that, I know some places in town.
Frances: I sure can’t wait to experience the cuisine of Atlantic City.
Beverly: We’re doing a whole episode about it, so you’ll have plenty of time to do so!
Frances: Oh, joy.
Later that night…
Frances: Honey?
Greg: Yes?
Frances: I can’t sleep.
Greg: Well, thank you for making sure I can’t, either.
Frances: Sorry, I thought you were awake.
Greg: I was sorta awake, about to be asleep.
Frances: Well, I’ll let you get back to that and remain one with my thoughts.
Greg: No, I’m up now. What’s keeping you up?
Frances: I’m in Atlantic City, Greg.
Greg: Oh, you wanna go gamble?
Frances: No!
Greg: I was thinking I might tomorrow, while you guys are filming.
Frances: Well, that’s your prerogative. I’m not a fan of gambling myself, I never luck out.
Greg: That’s the thrill of it!
Frances: Eh. Anyway, I can’t because this bed is terrible, this room is terrible, this city is terrible, and this state is terrible.
Greg: You need to let loose a bit and not be so stuck up. You’re forcing yourself to find this trip miserable instead of allowing yourself to have fun. When you do that, misery is the only possible outcome.
Frances: You sound like a therapist.
Greg: Well, you needed one.
Frances: I did not!
Greg: Please, just think about what I said while you lay there. I’m gonna try to get some sleep now.
Frances: Goodnight!
The next morning, at breakfast…
Frances: Louise! Hey! Sit down, let’s talk.
Louise: Are you going to insult me again, or just my hometown?
Jimmy: Oh no, a breakfast catfight.
Lauren: Hey, on the plus side, it’s gonna make us fit right in in Jersey.
Beverly: People are gonna think this is a segment on What Would You Do?.
Frances: It’s been brought to my attention that I’ve been close-minded about your beloved New Jersey.
Louise: You think?
Frances: I woke up today feeling different. I really am open to enjoying this trip and all that New Jersey has to offer, and to accurately putting that onto film, and I really need for you to be our guide.
Louise: I already agreed to that. I want to show you the best of New Jersey.
Marcia: And this is the point where she’d make a joke about how there is no “best of New Jersey.”
Frances: And that would be mean, so I won’t do it. What I mean, though, is that I want you to be in the show itself, Louise. I want you to be our tour guide.
Louise: You want me to become a TV personality?
Lauren: She’s never gonna let us forget about this.
Jimmy: Why would we want to forget her being a TV star?
Lauren: Aunt Frances is a TV star. Mom and I are nepotism hires.
Jimmy: People like some nepotism hires. Look at Jane Fonda, Kate Hudson, Drew Barrymore.
Lauren: Not really my point, dad.
Frances: I just think you deserve a moment in the sun.
Louise: I’ll do it!
Frances: All right, we’re gonna meet with three restaurant owners on the boardwalk today to learn how to prepare their signature dishes. You helped us pick those restaurants out, remember?
Louise: I sure do. One of them is owned by my childhood friend.
Frances: Yeah, well you’re one of them, a born-and-bred New Jersite.
Louise: New Jerseyan.
Frances: Whatever. You’re gonna help the interviews seem more natural, and more fun.
Louise: Again, very excited to get to be on TV, but do you not think you can communicate with people from New Jersey? We speak English here, it’s not like I have to translate what you say into Romanian or something.
Frances: I know, but I think this will be a fun bonding experience for us, and it’ll help us produce the show easier.
Marcia: Am I being squeezed out? Is that what this is about? Trading one sister-in-law for another?
Frances: No! You’re coming along too!
Marcia: Okay, good.
Jimmy: Well I think this is just great! You’re bonding, you’re gonna have a fun day in Louise’s hometown together, and you’re gonna learn how great New Jersey apparently is.
Louise: Apparently?
Jimmy: Gimme a break here, that’s a lot more credit than most people are willing to give it.
Louise: You’re not wrong.
Five days later…
Frances: I don’t want to go home! I had a lot of fun here.
Beverly: You gotta be kidding me.
Frances: What, did you not?
Beverly: The whining we endured…
Frances: You whined too. You wanted to go somewhere better.
Louise: There is no place better!
Lauren: Mom, don’t push it.
Louise: Yeah, even I knew that was too far.
Frances: I really found it fascinating to meet all these people Louise used to know and see all the places where she grew up. It helps you understand how she grew up to be… the person she is.
Louise: What’s that supposed to mean?
Frances: Nothing bad! It’s just very clear how much New Jersey has shaped you. It’s a very unique place with a lot more to offer than you’d expect.
Louise: So when are we coming back?
Greg: I can’t come back, I owe a lot of money.
Frances: What?
Greg: Kidding! Jeez.
Jane: You know what I just realized? That’s a different ocean than the one we see at home!
Marcia: Oh my god, how is she still alive? Surely someone of her IQ should’ve stumbled into traffic or fallen head-first down the stairs by now.
Beverly: Someone trade seats with me on this flight, I can’t spend that many hours listening to Jane’s deep thoughts, such as “the Atlantic and Pacific are two separate oceans” and “If it’s called New Jersey, then where is Old Jersey?”
Jane: I have other thoughts!
Marcia: Please don’t share them.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
