Gretchen walks into her office.
Gretchen: Where is Massachusetts?
Carol: On our northern and eastern borders.
Gretchen: I meant Sarita.
Carol: Oh! She called out today.
Gretchen: What’s the excuse now?
Susana: There’s no way it can top previous classic excuses like “I’m listening to the new Ariana Grande album,” “Venus was voted out of Survivor last night,” and “I ate a spoiled piece of pumpkin pie.”
Gretchen: I’m partial to the time she was out from work for a whole week because her neck hurt.
Susana: Why didn’t she go to the doctor? Or for a massage?
Gretchen: The world may never know.
Carol: Yeah, well apparently her friend from college is in town.
Gretchen: Good reason to skip work.
Susana: Surely we can find someone else who’d want her job, no?
Gretchen: She does good work when she does show up, I don’t want to let go of that.
Carol: What did you need her for anyway?
Gretchen: Oh, Pratt requested a meeting about something. Why on earth would I want to talk to her?
Carol: You were going to send your comms director to meet with your lieutenant governor?
Gretchen: I figured it was better than sending my lowly assistant! No offense, Susana.
Susana: None taken! I wouldn’t put my personal assistant on official state business if I were the governor, either.
Gretchen: That being said… Susana, would you mind meeting with Pratt?
Susana: Oh, no, of course!
Carol: Mary called, by the way. She wants to meet with you. Should I call Sarita and ask her when she’s available for that one?
Gretchen: No, I actually like my sister! Well, most of the time.
Carol: So when do you have time open for your meeting?
Gretchen: Well, we’re gonna be on the road today after lunch, no?
Carol: Yes.
Gretchen: Tell her tomorrow.
Carol: Will do.
Susana: You could squeeze her in before lunch if you wanted, we have a light morning.
Gretchen: Eh, nah. I wouldn’t really do that for anyone else, and I don’t want to be accused of making special exceptions for family.
Carol: You meet with Jeanne and Hank whenever they request a meeting.
Gretchen: They hold my entire agenda in their hands, I have to play nice.
Carol: But you’re so rarely nice to them!
Gretchen: What can I say, I can’t help myself.
Two hours later…
Gretchen: My god, Susana! You deserve a medal for putting up with the pain in the ass for that long! Ninety minutes?
Susana: It actually wasn't so bad. She was disappointed you were “too busy” to show, though.
Carol: What did she have to tap about? I mean… she’s the lieutenant governor. Of Rhode Island, no less! What kind of gossip could she even possibly have?
Susana: Well, like half of it was just chatting about our families and all that.
Gretchen: You listened to her yap about her family for forty-five minutes? I’ve worked with her side-by-side for five years and I couldn’t even tell you her husband’s name.
Susana: She’s divorced.
Gretchen: See! My point exactly.
Carol: You tried to help set her up on a date last year, clearly you have some interest in her personal life.
Gretchen: In just wanted to get her off my back! She’s so clingy!
Susana: Anyway, I found out why Mary wants to meet with you
Gretchen: What trouble did my sister get herself into now? Is it a DUI? I can’t help her, look what happened the last time people merely thought I helped her get out of a traffic violation.
Susana: She didn’t do anything wrong. I think it’s great what she’s doing.
Carol: Don’t be so cryptic, just spit it out!
Susana: Samantha has heard through the grapevine that Mary is filing a motion to vacate against Hank and is actively meeting with Democrats in the house to gin up support.
Gretchen: How the hell did Pratt of all people know this before me? Not only am I the governor, she’s my sister!
Carol: She barely even has a job, that gives her plenty of time to rub elbows with all sorts of people on Capitol Hill.
Gretchen: Does Hank know about this? This is gonna be a huge headache for me once he catches wind of it!
Susana: Samantha says he doesn’t know yet, but he’ll probably find out soon.
Gretchen: I can buy her having closer ties to members of the house than me, but how could she find out before Hank? It’s happening in his own caucus!
Susana: When has Hank ever been intuitive or self-aware?
Gretchen: That’s true.
Susana: I’m surprised you’re worried about this, I figured you’d be doing cartwheels.
Gretchen: There’s nothing to do cartwheels about yet, there’s no sign it’s actually going to succeed.
Susana: Samantha seems convinced it’ll be close.
Gretchen: Pratt is convinced of a lot of things. She was convinced she’d beat me in the primary. Needless to say, she didn’t.
Susana: Regardless, for the first time since you took office, Hank is going to need your help to keep his job.
Gretchen: Well, I’m certainly not doing that! I can’t stand the man!
Susana: We can’t let our personal feelings get in the away of what’s smart, politically.
Carol: Is it smart to save him, politically? Hypothetically, let’s say we make a deal with him to bail him out in exchange for him being less of a pain in the ass. Who’s to say that he’ll stick by his word? He’s not the most trustworthy guy.
Gretchen: He’s a politician, off course he’s not trustworthy!
Carol: Are you aware of what your profession is?
Gretchen: That’s beside the point. So, you think I should just let him flatline?
Carol: I think we need to get a gauge on the support in the state house for this before we weigh in one way or another. Not only would it be a horrible look for you to come out on the losing side of the battle, it’d be a nightmare if you supported the motion to vacate and he survived.
Gretchen: Yeah, if I take that shot, I better not miss.
Susana: So what are we going to do here?
Gretchen: I don’t know yet. I honestly sort of wish I could’ve talked to Pratt about it to get her thoughts on it.
Samantha: What was that?
Gretchen: Gah! How do you always do that?
Samantha: Really thin walls in this place!
Gretchen: First of all, that’s not true. Second, you work on another floor.
Samantha: That’s neither here nor there. So what are you doing here?
Gretchen: It’s my office!
Samantha: Susana told me you were busy.
Gretchen: I, uh, I… uh… um… I am very busy! You’re interrupted our work.
Samantha: You seem to just be sitting around eating chips.
Gretchen: We’re still working on provisions on the housing bill, Pratt. The chips are our brain food.
Samantha: I feel like you might have just lied to me to avoid meeting with me.
Gretchen: Never! And you know how I can prove that to you? I need your advice right now.
Samantha: Oh, I’m really busy.
Gretchen: Really?
Samantha: No, I’m the lieutenant governor of Rhode Island, how could I ever possibly be busy? What do you need advice on?
Gretchen: I know you have more connections with members of the house than I do. Do you think this motion to vacate is going to pass?
Samantha: I don’t know, I just heard about it earlier today from one of my friends. All they said was that Mary is very confident in its chances, I didn’t get any estimate on the number of members willing to vote with her.
Gretchen: So, in your view, what should I do about it?
Samantha: It’s hard to say. I know Hank derails a lot of our agenda.
Gretchen: Our?
Samantha: Our administration’s agenda.
Gretchen: Try again.
Samantha: Your agenda.
Gretchen: That’s more like it. So, you’re saying I should get involved and try to get him ousted?
Samantha: I think it might be beneficial for you, but don’t say anything just yet. I’ll try and get a grasp on how many are even hypothetically willing to vote to oust him. Plus, we can’t automatically count on the Republicans to vote to take him down, which I believe Mary is doing.
Gretchen: All right, you can be my tinker tailor soldier spy.
Samantha: Finally, some real responsibility around here!
Gretchen: Yes, we’re all very proud of you for this accomplishment. I never thought I’d see the day where I’d trust you enough to actually ask you to do me a favor.
Samantha: Today’s a momentous day!
Later that day, while Gretchen is at a restaurant with her family…
Anthony: So, Gretchen, how was your day?
Lucinda: No one ever asks me how my day went!
Anthony: Every day is the same. You wake up, you watch the Today Show, you knit on the couch, you yell at us, repeat ad nauseam each day.
Lucinda: That’s not true! On Wednesdays I go to bingo!
Anthony: Today’s not Wednesday.
Lucinda: I still did a lot today. I cleaned. You’re welcome.
Christina: She did clean, and I really appreciate it. The floor was getting a little… sticky.
Gretchen: I’m sorry, I should’ve called in a new cleaning lady, I keep forgetting Conchata is on maternity leave.
Lucinda: I’m glad someone realized it. I did it right in front of Toby and not a peep out of him.
Christina: I noticed it right away. It’s like night and day!
Toby: I didn’t see it! I was on my computer.
Lucinda: Kids these days… we had to entertain ourselves when I was your age.
Gretchen: Is that why Aunt B had three kids by the time she was Christina’s age?
Lucinda: Some of us entertained ourselves in unsavory ways. It’s a natural part of life.
Gretchen: This is why I hate leaving them home alone with you.
Christina: Mom, do you think I don’t know what sex is?
Gretchen: I like to think of it that way.
Toby: What is sex?
Anthony: This is a terrible, terrible conversation.
Lucinda: You shouldn’t feel awkward talking to your kids about these things! It’s natural!
Gretchen: Nope.
Anthony: I never did get an answer to my question, Gretchen. How was your day?
Gretchen: Oh, god. Another headache.
Anthony: What now?
Christina: Is it the housing bill?
Gretchen: No, that’s coming along, I promise! Though, how I react to today’s development could impact that bill’s passage.
Anthony: So what happened?
Gretchen: I feel a bit uncomfortable discussing this in public, I wouldn’t want anyone to hear.
Anthony: We can talk about it at home if you’d like.
Gretchen: Eh, I don’t see any harm in it. So, Mary is filing a motion to vacate against Hank and I have to decide what to do about it, whether to support it or not.
Christina: You hate Hank, how is this even a question?
Anthony: She’s rightfully concerned about making waves.
Gretchen: Oh no, conflicting views!
Anthony: How do you want us to feel? I’ll support whatever decision you’re leaning towards.
Lucinda: Kissass.
Anthony: It’s called being supportive.
Lucinda: Kissass.
Anthony: How mature.
Gretchen: I want to hear your genuine opinions. I’m really not sure what to do here.
Lucinda: Well-behaved women seldom make history.
Gretchen: Thank you, Eleanor Roosevelt.
Lucinda: Not her quote, actually!
Anthony: She’d know, they were childhood friends.
Lucinda kicks Anthony under the table.
Anthony: Footsie? Come on, that’s inappropriate.
Gretchen: So mom thinks I should stab Hank in the back.
Lucinda: He’s always stabbing you in the back!
Gretchen: More in the front. He’s not shy about it.
Christina: Reminds me of grandma.
Anthony: I never say this… I agree with your mother.
Gretchen: Are you sure? Didn’t you say I shouldn’t make waves?
Anthony: No, I said I understand the hesitation.
Toby: I don’t know what this is about, but I love vacation, so -
Christina: It’s not about vacation, doofus.
Anthony: Christina!
Christina: I’m an adult, that doesn’t work on me anymore.
Anthony: Really? Whose roof do you live under?
Christina: Sorry, Toby.
Gretchen: So you all feel like I should help Mary oust Hank?
Christina: Yes! He’s a menace!
Gretchen: Well, that’s settled. My most trusted advisors are all united on this one.
Lucinda: Maybe you can finally get something done if he goes!
Anthony: She gets plenty done!
Lucinda: Sure.
The next day…
Susana: Governor, Representative Raymond-Hoffman is here to see you.
Gretchen: You can just call her Mary.
Susana: Okay, Mary’s here.
Mary: Long time no see!
Gretchen: I know, Mare, I’ve been so busy. From what I’ve heard, so have you!
Mary: Yeah, the house is really time-consuming, considering the fact that like ten people live in our state.
Gretchen: That’s not really to what I was referring.
Mary: Oh, you know about… that.
Gretchen: Is that now what you’re here to meet about?
Mary: It certainly is, I just thought I’d have to explain it all to you.
Gretchen: What did Hank do to inspire this action?
Mary: He’s terrible at his job!
Gretchen: That, I will not argue with you about.
Mary: He stalls progress. You know that housing bill?
Gretchen: My administration’s main focus of the last two months? Yes, I’m familiar.
Mary: He’s not even trying to whip votes for it like he claims! He hasn’t asked a single person about it!
Gretchen: You’re joking.
Mary: Wish I was!
Gretchen: All right, I’ll do it.
Mary: Do what?
Gretchen: I’ll help you out. I’m going to come out in favor of it?
Mary: Wow, really? I thought that’d take far more convincing.
Gretchen: Mary, you just said that he’s been blatantly lying to me for the last eight weeks! I may have had a heart attack that stalled my end of progress, but what the hell’s he been doing in that time? They haven’t sent one actually-substantive bill to my desk in months!
Mary: I have a list of people who I believe are on the fence - mostly Democrats, but also a few Republicans.
Gretchen: I doubt I’ll hold much sway with the Grand Ole’ Party.
Mary: Yeah, I’d rather you focus your efforts on the Democrats.
Gretchen: What do you want me to do?
Mary: Call them, let them know you’ll have their back if they vote against Hank, that you support the motion to vacate.
Gretchen: You’re sure this can pass?
Mary: I can make it happen.
Gretchen: All right, get me that list.
Mary: One more thing…
Gretchen: Yes?
Mary: I’ve heard rumors you have some major dirt on him. That might be useful when you’re making those calls.
Gretchen: I don’t know if I can play that dirty.
Mary: What are you got on him?
Gretchen: It’s so personal, it’s really got nothing to do with the job.
Mary: Well, it was worth a try.
Gretchen: I’ll think about it, okay? Don’t look too defeated yet.
Mary: Thank you! You’re the best!
Gretchen: Hey, if you manage to get rid of my biggest headache in this place, YOU are the best.
Susana: Gretchen, the lieutenant governor is here.
Gretchen: Speaking of headaches… send her in.
Mary: I’ll leave you to deal with this while I go get that list together.
Gretchen: Thank you.
Samantha: Great news, Gretchen!
Gretchen: Is it about Hank? I’ve already decided, I’m coming out in support of the motion.
Samantha: Oh, you gotta be kidding me…
One week later…
Hank: RAYMOND!
Susana: Mr. Speaker, the governor is not -
Hank: I don’t care! Gretchen, what the hell is going on?
Gretchen: Hank! The soon-to-be-former Speaker! How the hell are you?
Hank: Why are members of my caucus telling me they’re getting calls from you suggesting they join your sister’s little rebellion?
Gretchen: Oh, because you’re terrible at your job!
Hank: We’re finally working together on something!
Gretchen: I’ve ben told that all this times you were “whipping votes,” you were just stalling.
Hank: That’s patently untrue.
Gretchen: Yeah, let’s say I believe you.
Hank: It is!
Gretchen: Hank, you betrayed me. You gave me your word, but that didn’t matter, you stabbed me right in the back and tried to kill my key piece of legislation.
Hank: Why are you talking like Olivia Rodrigo?
Gretchen: That’s not really the think you should be focusing on, Hank!
Hank: You’re not gonna win this fight, Gretchen.
Gretchen: Maybe not. But I’m done trying to appease you. I’m the governor, you’re just a little man who thinks too highly of himself. Please leave.
Hank: If you can’t find it in yourself to be professional, I am going to leave. I have no reason to talk with someone who operates the way that you do.
Gretchen: Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
Carol: I take it he’s found out?
Gretchen: Carol, would it be terrible of me to tell people about his little… incident?
Carol: The cheating? Don’t people know?
Gretchen: No, the fact that it was with an employee.
Carol: That would be low. I love low.
Gretchen: If it’s what it takes to get this done, then so be it. He has to go.
Three days later…
Gretchen: That was so unimaginably stupid!
Susana: How were any of us to know that dropping that bombshell about Hank cheating with his secretary would cause the Republicans to switch to opposing the motion?
Gretchen: This is not my first rodeo, I should’ve known better. Not everyone takes these things seriously enough.
Carol: Take you for example - you knew for years and said nothing!
Gretchen: Not the time, Carol.
Samantha: Hey, don’t beat yourself up! It only failed by one vote, they can try again some other time and get him out then!
Gretchen: Look at me, getting pick-me-ups from friggin’ Samantha Pratt! This is the pits. I’m a joke.
Samantha: Hey, you're in good company.
Gretchen: Am I?
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
