Raymond Island Season 5 Episode 11 - Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

Raymond Island Season 5, Episode 11
Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

Gretchen walks into her office.

Gretchen: Where is Massachusetts?

Carol: On our northern and eastern borders.

Gretchen: I meant Sarita.

Carol: Oh! She called out today.

Gretchen: What’s the excuse now?

Susana: There’s no way it can top previous classic excuses like “I’m listening to the new Ariana Grande album,” “Venus was voted out of Survivor last night,” and “I ate a spoiled piece of pumpkin pie.”

Gretchen: I’m partial to the time she was out from work for a whole week because her neck hurt.

Susana: Why didn’t she go to the doctor? Or for a massage?

Gretchen: The world may never know.

Carol: Yeah, well apparently her friend from college is in town.

Gretchen: Good reason to skip work.

Susana: Surely we can find someone else who’d want her job, no?

Gretchen: She does good work when she does show up, I don’t want to let go of that.

Carol: What did you need her for anyway?

Gretchen: Oh, Pratt requested a meeting about something. Why on earth would I want to talk to her?

Carol: You were going to send your comms director to meet with your lieutenant governor?

Gretchen: I figured it was better than sending my lowly assistant! No offense, Susana.

Susana: None taken! I wouldn’t put my personal assistant on official state business if I were the governor, either.

Gretchen: That being said… Susana, would you mind meeting with Pratt?

Susana: Oh, no, of course!

Carol: Mary called, by the way. She wants to meet with you. Should I call Sarita and ask her when she’s available for that one?

Gretchen: No, I actually like my sister! Well, most of the time.

Carol: So when do you have time open for your meeting?

Gretchen: Well, we’re gonna be on the road today after lunch, no?

Carol: Yes.

Gretchen: Tell her tomorrow.

Carol: Will do.

Susana: You could squeeze her in before lunch if you wanted, we have a light morning.

Gretchen: Eh, nah. I wouldn’t really do that for anyone else, and I don’t want to be accused of making special exceptions for family.

Carol: You meet with Jeanne and Hank whenever they request a meeting.

Gretchen: They hold my entire agenda in their hands, I have to play nice.

Carol: But you’re so rarely nice to them!

Gretchen: What can I say, I can’t help myself.

Two hours later…

Gretchen: My god, Susana! You deserve a medal for putting up with the pain in the ass for that long! Ninety minutes?

Susana: It actually wasn't so bad. She was disappointed you were “too busy” to show, though.

Carol: What did she have to tap about? I mean… she’s the lieutenant governor. Of Rhode Island, no less! What kind of gossip could she even possibly have?

Susana: Well, like half of it was just chatting about our families and all that.

Gretchen: You listened to her yap about her family for forty-five minutes? I’ve worked with her side-by-side for five years and I couldn’t even tell you her husband’s name.

Susana: She’s divorced.

Gretchen: See! My point exactly.

Carol: You tried to help set her up on a date last year, clearly you have some interest in her personal life.

Gretchen: In just wanted to get her off my back! She’s so clingy!

Susana: Anyway, I found out why Mary wants to meet with you

Gretchen: What trouble did my sister get herself into now? Is it a DUI? I can’t help her, look what happened the last time people merely thought I helped her get out of a traffic violation.

Susana: She didn’t do anything wrong. I think it’s great what she’s doing.

Carol: Don’t be so cryptic, just spit it out!

Susana: Samantha has heard through the grapevine that Mary is filing a motion to vacate against Hank and is actively meeting with Democrats in the house to gin up support.

Gretchen: How the hell did Pratt of all people know this before me? Not only am I the governor, she’s my sister!

Carol: She barely even has a job, that gives her plenty of time to rub elbows with all sorts of people on Capitol Hill.

Gretchen: Does Hank know about this? This is gonna be a huge headache for me once he catches wind of it!

Susana: Samantha says he doesn’t know yet, but he’ll probably find out soon.

Gretchen: I can buy her having closer ties to members of the house than me, but how could she find out before Hank? It’s happening in his own caucus!

Susana: When has Hank ever been intuitive or self-aware?

Gretchen: That’s true.

Susana: I’m surprised you’re worried about this, I figured you’d be doing cartwheels.

Gretchen: There’s nothing to do cartwheels about yet, there’s no sign it’s actually going to succeed.

Susana: Samantha seems convinced it’ll be close.

Gretchen: Pratt is convinced of a lot of things. She was convinced she’d beat me in the primary. Needless to say, she didn’t.

Susana: Regardless, for the first time since you took office, Hank is going to need your help to keep his job. 

Gretchen: Well, I’m certainly not doing that! I can’t stand the man!

Susana: We can’t let our personal feelings get in the away of what’s smart, politically.

Carol: Is it smart to save him, politically? Hypothetically, let’s say we make a deal with him to bail him out in exchange for him being less of a pain in the ass. Who’s to say that he’ll stick by his word? He’s not the most trustworthy guy.

Gretchen: He’s a politician, off course he’s not trustworthy!

Carol: Are you aware of what your profession is?

Gretchen: That’s beside the point. So, you think I should just let him flatline?

Carol: I think we need to get a gauge on the support in the state house for this before we weigh in one way or another. Not only would it be a horrible look for you to come out on the losing side of the battle, it’d be a nightmare if you supported the motion to vacate and he survived.

Gretchen: Yeah, if I take that shot, I better not miss.

Susana: So what are we going to do here?

Gretchen: I don’t know yet. I honestly sort of wish I could’ve talked to Pratt about it to get her thoughts on it.

Samantha: What was that?

Gretchen: Gah! How do you always do that?

Samantha: Really thin walls in this place!

Gretchen: First of all, that’s not true. Second, you work on another floor.

Samantha: That’s neither here nor there. So what are you doing here?

Gretchen: It’s my office!

Samantha: Susana told me you were busy.

Gretchen: I, uh, I… uh… um… I am very busy! You’re interrupted our work.

Samantha: You seem to just be sitting around eating chips.

Gretchen: We’re still working on provisions on the housing bill, Pratt. The chips are our brain food.

Samantha: I feel like you might have just lied to me to avoid meeting with me.

Gretchen: Never! And you know how I can prove that to you? I need your advice right now.

Samantha: Oh, I’m really busy.

Gretchen: Really?

Samantha: No, I’m the lieutenant governor of Rhode Island, how could I ever possibly be busy? What do you need advice on?

Gretchen: I know you have more connections with members of the house than I do. Do you think this motion to vacate is going to pass?

Samantha: I don’t know, I just heard about it earlier today from one of my friends. All they said was that Mary is very confident in its chances, I didn’t get any estimate on the number of members willing to vote with her.

Gretchen: So, in your view, what should I do about it?

Samantha: It’s hard to say. I know Hank derails a lot of our agenda.

Gretchen: Our?

Samantha: Our administration’s agenda.

Gretchen: Try again.

Samantha: Your agenda. 

Gretchen: That’s more like it. So, you’re saying I should get involved and try to get him ousted?

Samantha: I think it might be beneficial for you, but don’t say anything just yet. I’ll try and get a grasp on how many are even hypothetically willing to vote to oust him. Plus, we can’t automatically count on the Republicans to vote to take him down, which I believe Mary is doing.

Gretchen: All right, you can be my tinker tailor soldier spy.

Samantha: Finally, some real responsibility around here!

Gretchen: Yes, we’re all very proud of you for this accomplishment. I never thought I’d see the day where I’d trust you enough to actually ask you to do me a favor.

Samantha: Today’s a momentous day!

Later that day, while Gretchen is at a restaurant with her family…

Anthony: So, Gretchen, how was your day?

Lucinda: No one ever asks me how my day went!

Anthony: Every day is the same. You wake up, you watch the Today Show, you knit on the couch, you yell at us, repeat ad nauseam each day.

Lucinda: That’s not true! On Wednesdays I go to bingo!

Anthony: Today’s not Wednesday.

Lucinda: I still did a lot today. I cleaned. You’re welcome.

Christina: She did clean, and I really appreciate it. The floor was getting a little… sticky.

Gretchen: I’m sorry, I should’ve called in a new cleaning lady, I keep forgetting Conchata is on maternity leave.

Lucinda: I’m glad someone realized it. I did it right in front of Toby and not a peep out of him.

Christina: I noticed it right away. It’s like night and day!

Toby: I didn’t see it! I was on my computer.

Lucinda: Kids these days… we had to entertain ourselves when I was your age.

Gretchen: Is that why Aunt B had three kids by the time she was Christina’s age?

Lucinda: Some of us entertained ourselves in unsavory ways. It’s a natural part of life.

Gretchen: This is why I hate leaving them home alone with you.

Christina: Mom, do you think I don’t know what sex is?

Gretchen: I like to think of it that way.

Toby: What is sex?

Anthony: This is a terrible, terrible conversation.

Lucinda: You shouldn’t feel awkward talking to your kids about these things! It’s natural!

Gretchen: Nope.

Anthony: I never did get an answer to my question, Gretchen. How was your day?

Gretchen: Oh, god. Another headache.

Anthony: What now?

Christina: Is it the housing bill?

Gretchen: No, that’s coming along, I promise! Though, how I react to today’s development could impact that bill’s passage.

Anthony: So what happened?

Gretchen: I feel a bit uncomfortable discussing this in public, I wouldn’t want anyone to hear.

Anthony: We can talk about it at home if you’d like.

Gretchen: Eh, I don’t see any harm in it. So, Mary is filing a motion to vacate against Hank and I have to decide what to do about it, whether to support it or not.

Christina: You hate Hank, how is this even a question?

Anthony: She’s rightfully concerned about making waves.

Gretchen: Oh no, conflicting views!

Anthony: How do you want us to feel? I’ll support whatever decision you’re leaning towards.

Lucinda: Kissass.

Anthony: It’s called being supportive.

Lucinda: Kissass.

Anthony: How mature.

Gretchen: I want to hear your genuine opinions. I’m really not sure what to do here.

Lucinda: Well-behaved women seldom make history.

Gretchen: Thank you, Eleanor Roosevelt.

Lucinda: Not her quote, actually!

Anthony: She’d know, they were childhood friends.

Lucinda kicks Anthony under the table.

Anthony: Footsie? Come on, that’s inappropriate.

Gretchen: So mom thinks I should stab Hank in the back.

Lucinda: He’s always stabbing you in the back!

Gretchen: More in the front. He’s not shy about it.

Christina: Reminds me of grandma.

Anthony: I never say this… I agree with your mother.

Gretchen: Are you sure? Didn’t you say I shouldn’t make waves?

Anthony: No, I said I understand the hesitation.

Toby: I don’t know what this is about, but I love vacation, so -

Christina: It’s not about vacation, doofus.

Anthony: Christina!

Christina: I’m an adult, that doesn’t work on me anymore.

Anthony: Really? Whose roof do you live under?

Christina: Sorry, Toby.

Gretchen: So you all feel like I should help Mary oust Hank?

Christina: Yes! He’s a menace!

Gretchen: Well, that’s settled. My most trusted advisors are all united on this one.

Lucinda: Maybe you can finally get something done if he goes!

Anthony: She gets plenty done!

Lucinda: Sure.

The next day…

Susana: Governor, Representative Raymond-Hoffman is here to see you.

Gretchen: You can just call her Mary.

Susana: Okay, Mary’s here.

Mary: Long time no see!

Gretchen: I know, Mare, I’ve been so busy. From what I’ve heard, so have you!

Mary: Yeah, the house is really time-consuming, considering the fact that like ten people live in our state.

Gretchen: That’s not really to what I was referring.

Mary: Oh, you know about… that.

Gretchen: Is that now what you’re here to meet about?

Mary: It certainly is, I just thought I’d have to explain it all to you.

Gretchen: What did Hank do to inspire this action?

Mary: He’s terrible at his job!

Gretchen: That, I will not argue with you about.

Mary: He stalls progress. You know that housing bill?

Gretchen: My administration’s main focus of the last two months? Yes, I’m familiar.

Mary: He’s not even trying to whip votes for it like he claims! He hasn’t asked a single person about it!

Gretchen: You’re joking.

Mary: Wish I was!

Gretchen: All right, I’ll do it.

Mary: Do what?

Gretchen: I’ll help you out. I’m going to come out in favor of it?

Mary: Wow, really? I thought that’d take far more convincing.

Gretchen: Mary, you just said that he’s been blatantly lying to me for the last eight weeks! I may have had a heart attack that stalled my end of progress, but what the hell’s he been doing in that time? They haven’t sent one actually-substantive bill to my desk in months!

Mary: I have a list of people who I believe are on the fence - mostly Democrats, but also a few Republicans. 

Gretchen: I doubt I’ll hold much sway with the Grand Ole’ Party.

Mary: Yeah, I’d rather you focus your efforts on the Democrats.

Gretchen: What do you want me to do?

Mary: Call them, let them know you’ll have their back if they vote against Hank, that you support the motion to vacate.

Gretchen: You’re sure this can pass?

Mary: I can make it happen.

Gretchen: All right, get me that list.

Mary: One more thing…

Gretchen: Yes?

Mary: I’ve heard rumors you have some major dirt on him. That might be useful when you’re making those calls.

Gretchen: I don’t know if I can play that dirty.

Mary: What are you got on him?

Gretchen: It’s so personal, it’s really got nothing to do with the job.

Mary: Well, it was worth a try.

Gretchen: I’ll think about it, okay? Don’t look too defeated yet.

Mary: Thank you! You’re the best!

Gretchen: Hey, if you manage to get rid of my biggest headache in this place, YOU are the best.

Susana: Gretchen, the lieutenant governor is here.

Gretchen: Speaking of headaches… send her in.

Mary: I’ll leave you to deal with this while I go get that list together.

Gretchen: Thank you.

Samantha: Great news, Gretchen!

Gretchen: Is it about Hank? I’ve already decided, I’m coming out in support of the motion.

Samantha: Oh, you gotta be kidding me…

One week later…


Susana: Mr. Speaker, the governor is not -

Hank: I don’t care! Gretchen, what the hell is going on?

Gretchen: Hank! The soon-to-be-former Speaker! How the hell are you?

Hank: Why are members of my caucus telling me they’re getting calls from you suggesting they join your sister’s little rebellion?

Gretchen: Oh, because you’re terrible at your job!

Hank: We’re finally working together on something!

Gretchen: I’ve ben told that all this times you were “whipping votes,” you were just stalling.

Hank: That’s patently untrue.

Gretchen: Yeah, let’s say I believe you.

Hank: It is!

Gretchen: Hank, you betrayed me. You gave me your word, but that didn’t matter, you stabbed me right in the back and tried to kill my key piece of legislation.

Hank: Why are you talking like Olivia Rodrigo?

Gretchen: That’s not really the  think you should be focusing on, Hank!

Hank: You’re not gonna win this fight, Gretchen.

Gretchen: Maybe not. But I’m done trying to appease you. I’m the governor, you’re just a little man who thinks too highly of himself. Please leave.

Hank: If you can’t find it in yourself to be professional, I am going to leave. I have no reason to talk with someone who operates the way that you do.

Gretchen: Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

Carol: I take it he’s found out?

Gretchen: Carol, would it be terrible of me to tell people about his little… incident?

Carol: The cheating? Don’t people know?

Gretchen: No, the fact that it was with an employee.

Carol: That would be low. I love low.

Gretchen: If it’s what it takes to get this done, then so be it. He has to go.

Three days later…

Gretchen: That was so unimaginably stupid!

Susana: How were any of us to know that dropping that bombshell about Hank cheating with his secretary would cause the Republicans to switch to opposing the motion?

Gretchen: This is not my first rodeo, I should’ve known better. Not everyone takes these things seriously enough.

Carol: Take you for example - you knew for years and said nothing!

Gretchen: Not the time, Carol.

Samantha: Hey, don’t beat yourself up! It only failed by one vote, they can try again some other time and get him out then!

Gretchen: Look at me, getting pick-me-ups from friggin’ Samantha Pratt! This is the pits. I’m a joke.

Samantha: Hey, you're in good company.

Gretchen: Am I?

What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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