Raymond Island Season 5 Episode 12 - Sitting Here on Capitol Hill

Raymond Island Season 5, Episode 12
Sitting Here on Capitol Hill

Gretchen: You’re sure you’re okay with taking on this role for the week? You’re ready?

Samantha: Do you mean the job I’ve stepped into five or six times already, including for three weeks less than a month ago? Yes, I’m ready.

Gretchen: Okay, you were not acting governor last month. I was still 100% in charge, just working from home.

Samantha: Sure, let’s say I believe that.

Gretchen: Anyway, I’m glad you’re confident. Call me if any real trouble arises and I need to come home to deal with it. You know, emergencies.

Samantha: Where are you off to, anyway?

Gretchen: Vacation, how do you not remember that?

Samantha: I know you’re going on vacation, I meant where are you going!

Gretchen: Oh, get a load of this: DC.

Samantha: The former US Senator is taking a vacation to the District of Columbia?

Gretchen: My son Toby’s idea. He just watched Night at the Museum, now he wants to go to the Smithsonian. What can I say?

Samantha: I would probably say “no, we’re going to Aruba,” but that’s just me. Not all parents believe in laying down the law, but that’s all right. There’s no one way to properly parent.

Gretchen: Okay, good chat, Pratt. You have fun here with the two psychos, I’m gonna head home and pack for tomorrow.

Samantha: Day before the trip and you haven’t packed?

Gretchen: It’s my process.

Samantha: Your procrastination process?

Gretchen: My system works, don’t critique it.

Samantha: What should I do if Hank and Jeanne send the housing bill to your desk while you’re away?

Gretchen: I’m not even going to entertain the thought of that pure fantasy.

Samantha: Figured it was worth asking, at least.

Gretchen: Enjoy the week, Pratt. I’ll even let you use my office, just don’t touch anything.

The next morning…

Carol: I’m still not sure why we’re not flying to DC.

Lucinda: Are you kidding? You see what’s going on with Boeing?

Carol: Boeing?

Lucinda: The airplane company?

Carol: Yeah, what’s going on with them?

Lucinda: Ah, you poor thing.

Anthony: We never should’ve taught her to use the internet.

Lucinda: I heard about it on John Oliver!

Anthony: We never should’ve subscribed to HBO, either.

Lucinda: It’s only a six-hour drive, not a big deal. Everyone, quit your whining.

Christina: It’s a six-hour drive with this group of eight people.

Mary: Hey, we’re in different cars.

Christina: Okay, it’s a six-hour drive with this group of five in one car, and that’s still way too much. Sharing a house, we have personal space. Not so much in a car.

Mary: You’ll manage. You should have seen what brats your mom, your uncle and I were when we’d go on family road trips as kids.

Lucinda: It was a disaster, and it made me lose any desire I had to travel for several decades. Then you all are up, and it was just your father and I, and vacation was fun again!

Mary: But look at us now, vacationing together again!

Carol: We’re not gonna be doing any vacationing now either if we don’t get moving. That New York travel is brutal!

Gretchen: We’re gonna be here a week, I don’t think a ten-minute delay in departure is gonna make much of a difference.

Carol: You say that now, but I meticulously planned when the right time to leave was in order to minimize traffic delays.

Gretchen: It’s a vacation, we don’t need to be on some rigid schedule. We’ll get there when we get there.

Christina: I respect having an easy-going mindset, but I didn’t wake up this early just to sit at Wendy’s eating breakfast. I thought the goal was to get to DC early enough to enjoy the day there a bit instead of spending the holiday on the road.

Gretchen: All right, let’s get going!

Eight hours later…

Carol: You said it was a six-hour drive.

Gretchen: We’re here, and the hotel is nice, I think that’s what’s important.

Susana: Yeah, this hotel is gorgeous. This place has to cost a fortune.

Gretchen: Don’t worry about it! I’m the one that brought up the trip, I’m the one that pays for it.

Mary: You made me p-

Gretchen: No, I didn’t.

Mary: I know, but I do enjoy messing with you.

Susana: You know, Mary, I think the guy at the reception desk had the hots for you.

Mary: Me?

Susana: Yeah, he was totally checking you out!

Lucinda: I don’t want to hear this.

Christina: Then you go head up to the room and let aunt Mary get her groove back!

Mary: No, we should all go up together, we’ll get our bags carried up way faster that way.

Lucinda: Yeah, I can’t carry any of these heavy bags by myself. I’m old and defenseless and frail!

Anthony: Sure you are.

Lucinda: Are you doubting the word of a little old lady?

Anthony: I’m doubting the word of a little old lady who clearly wants to get out of having to drag luggage up to her hotel room.

Gretchen: I’ll carry mom’s bags.

Lucinda: Thank you! I’m glad someone cares! You know, it’s been a long day, and I’m eighty. All that travel gets tiring!

Anthony: And whose fault is it. That we spent that long traveling?

Lucinda: I wanted to go to Cape Cod for this year’s vacation. Don’t blame this on me. Whose idea was DC, anyway? Didn’t we get enough of this city when Gretchen was a senator?

Toby: It was my idea. I want to see the Smithsonian.

Lucinda: I’ve seen that.

Gretchen: Of course you saw it, you didn’t have anything else to do in the city. We didn’t have that same privilege.

Lucinda: What are you insinuating? That I’m lazy?

Gretchen: Huh? I’m just saying, you were retired and looking for things to do. I was working, Anthony was working, the kids were at school. We didn’t have time for that stuff.

Mary: How did your school never take you on a field trip to the Smithsonian?

Toby: That was a high school thing, we moved back to Rhode Island first.

Mary: Well, I’ve never seen it either, so I’m excited to go.

Anthony: All right, we can talk about or plans for the week up in the room. Let’s focus on getting up there right now. What floor did Mary’s future husband say we’re on?

Gretchen: Eight.

Anthony: And do we know if they have luggage carts here?

Christina: Already got one!

Anthony: Good, that’ll really help! Lucinda, head up to the room, and open the door when we knock.

Lucinda: I have bad hearing, I can’t make any promises.

Anthony: Then you’re coming with us and helping with the suitcases.

Lucinda: I’ll be at the door waiting!

The next morning…

Gretchen: Are we the only ones awake?

Anthony: We often are.

Gretchen: I can’t believe we’re back here. I just looked out the window and almost collapsed from the shock. Never did I believe we’d be back in DC.

Anthony: Never? Not even during that VP run?

Gretchen: Oh, come on, Sheryl had the lowest approval ratings of any president in American history, so bad that the party didn’t allow her to run again. The Democrats were never holding the White House that year.

Anthony: Why did we campaign so hard then?

Gretchen: Because I was delusional enough to allow myself to believe. Never again!

Anthony: You know, we did have some good times here.

Gretchen: And we’re gonna have more this week!

Anthony: Where are we going today?

Gretchen: I had Carol plan out a schedule.

Anthony: Didn’t you say yesterday that you didn’t want to be on a schedule on vacation?

Gretchen: Yeah, I just wanted Carol to shut up.

Anthony: I can relate to that, I feel that way about your mother 24/7.

Lucinda: Oh do you?

Anthony: Ah!

Lucinda: We live together and you see me every day, I can’t scare you that much.

Anthony: You’re staying in another room!

Lucinda: You have to lock off the door on the connecting room for it to really be a connecting room!


Lucinda: So what were you talking about that I apparently interrupted? Nothing gross, I hope.

Gretchen: What would we be talking about that’s “gross?”

Lucinda: You know, sex stuff.

Gretchen: You have a sick mind.

Lucinda: I’m aware.

Gretchen: Anyway, we were discussing today’s vacation plans.

Lucinda: Aren’t we going to the museum?

Gretchen: Do you think there’s only one Smithsonian museum? You claim to have been there, you have to know that’s not true.

Lucinda: We know what general vicinity we’re traveling to, isn’t that enough?

Gretchen: The Smithsonian has almost twenty museums in DC, you want to just wander around aimlessly trying to hit them all up in one day?

Lucinda: Twenty? When did that happen?

Gretchen: It’s been that way for decades! I’d know, I was in charge of appropriating funds to the Smithsonian as a member of the Senate.

Lucinda: Oh, look at you, miss powerful senator!

Gretchen: I’m just saying, I thought it was common knowledge that there are many, many museums in the Smithsonian.

Lucinda: I thought there were, like two or three. I’ve been to two or three

Gretchen: Which three?

Lucinda: The American History museum, the Natural History museum, and is there an art museum?

Gretchen: Several.

Lucinda: I think I’ve been to one of them, I’m not sure. It might not have been a Smithsonian.

Gretchen: Okay, so we have plenty to see this week, good. I don’t want to hear any complaints from you about this trip, you’re experiencing nearly all of it for the first time. Plus, we’re going to Aruba in August.

Anthony: What’re what?

Gretchen: Ah, damn, that was an anniversary present! Well, surprise!

Anthony: Can we afford that after this?

Gretchen: That’s so insensitive of you to ask. What, you think women can’t manage money?

Anthony: No, I was just thinking about how expensive this trip was. A luxury hotel, paying for three rooms for an entire week, that adds up.

Gretchen: We’re fine, don’t worry.

Later that day…

Toby: I’m really sorry.

Gretchen: It’s fine, it really is.

Susana: Mary will have more time to make a love connection with that receptionist now.

Lucinda: How does one get banned from the Smithsonian?

Toby: I tripped over my shoelace and fell head-first into a portrait. It didn’t rip or fall or anything, but the guard was not happy.

Christina: I don’t see what the big deal is, it was just a portrait of James K. Polk, who gives a crap if that gets damaged?

Carol: The ghost of James K. Polk?

Gretchen: It’s only a one-week ban, we can always come back.

Mary: You do know we’re only here for one week, correct?

Gretchen: We can stay longer! What do we have to get back to?

Carol: I mean, preferably you would get back to your job as governor.

Christina: I say we should just skirt the ban. It’s one security guard saying we’re banned, you think that every Smithsonian museum is gonna be on the lookout for us?

Lucinda: That’s a little easier to say for some normal person and a bit harder to say about the 2020 Democratic nominee for Vice President of the United States.

Christina: I don’t think they’ll notice, she’s not that well-known.

Gretchen: Thank you?

Mary: I say we just take the ban, extend our stay, and spend this week seeing other DC landmarks. It’s not like we have anything better to do at home.

Lucinda: You have children at home.

Mary: They’re with their dad. Frankly, it brings me joy to know that he’s actually having to put in some effort with them. It’s about damn time. Now, Gretch, former Senators can still visit the Capitol, no?

Gretchen: Um… I guess.

Mary: Then let’s go on a tour there instead of wallowing in self-pity!

Gretchen: Does that sound like something you guys would want to do?

Toby: It’s better than nothing.

Lucinda: “It’s better than nothing,” what a fun thing to say about what you’re doing on vacation!

Gretchen: I told you not to complain so much today!

Lucinda: You said that about the museums. I was actually enjoying those, then we got banned from them, and I’m complaining about that. I’m not breaking my word.

Gretchen: Whatever you say.

Later that day…

Gretchen: See, we were fine walking here!

Lucinda: I feel ill.

Mary: Is mom okay?

Lucinda: No!

Gretchen: Mom, I had a heart attack a month ago and I am fine! You’re fine, too!

Lucinda: I’m dying!

Anthony: Dine dong the witch is -

Lucinda: Don’t sing another word.

Tammy Koobach: Gretchen Raymond! Oh my god! What are you doing here?

Gretchen: Oh my god, Tammy Koobach! What are you doing here? You should be President right now!

Tammy: And you should be vice president, but I think it’s pretty obvious what I’m doing here. I am a US Senator. I’m shocked to see you here, though. I mean, I could’ve sworn you swore off DC after we lost.

Gretchen: I did, but you do what you have to for the kids, you know?

Toby: Mom, are we gonna go in?

Gretchen: I’m catching up with my friend. You guys all remember her, of course.

Tammy: I remember all of you! I know we didn’t win, but I’m still glad for all the work all of you put in for our campaign.

Mary: I’ve never met you.

Tammy: I know, but I was trying to be polite.

Lucinda: You don’t have to try to be polite to her, politeness doesn’t work on her.

Mary: That’s very mean to say about your own daughter.

Lucinda: Is it not true?

Mary: It’s not!

Gretchen: Eh… look who you married.

Mary: I dumped his ass!

Gretchen: After fifteen years.

Mary: I still did it, because I have self respect!

Gretchen: Anyway, Tammy, do you know if I still have access to the capitol building for a tour? They want to see it.

Tammy: You you have your Senate pin?

Gretchen: Eh… don’t think so.

Tammy: Don’t worry about it, I can show you guys around. It’ll be good to catch up again!

Gretchen: Yeah, it will be! I’m sorry for not keeping in touch, you know how work can be.

Tammy: I’ve never been a governor, but I assume it keeps you busy.

Carol: It doesn-

Gretchen: Shut up, Carol!

Carol: The disrespect I receive is far too much.

Susana: It’s warranted sometimes.

The next day…

Susana: Hey, Mary, did you ever talk to that receptionist?

Mary: Oh, yeah. He’s married.

Carol: So?

Mary: I have morals!

Gretchen: Since when?

Mary: Also, he’s married to a man.

Carol: He could be bi!

Susana: I’m sure you’ll find some other guy in DC.

Christina: Why are you trying to set her up in DC, it’s not like it could last.

Susana: She just seems like she needs the help.

Mary: I do, thank you.

Gretchen: Enough about my sister’s relationship troubles, let’s focus on the fat that we’re sat the White House!

Christina: You know, yesterday was fun, but I do wish we could’ve seen a little more of DC and a little less of mom’s friend’s office.

Gretchen: I didn’t know I’d run into Tammy, chatting with her for for hours was not in the plans. Thankfully, we’re not gonna run into anyone I have any desire talking to here.

Lucinda: What, you wouldn’t want to talk to the President?

Gretchen: I’d rather die!

Mary: Can someone take a picture of me? This would look good on my campaign site, I think.

Susana: You aiming high?

Mary: God, no! Who would ever want to be president? You have to be nuts!

Gretchen: I don’t think you have to be nuts.

Lucinda: What, are you gonna run?

Gretchen: Never! But back in the day, I had my dreams. Even back in 2020, I thought I could end up here.

Lucinda: Were you gonna kill Tammy Koobach?

Anthony: You are so rude to her! You never have faith!

Lucinda: Oh come on, you think she was gonna win a presidential election?

Mary: So, about that picture?

Gretchen: Oh, right, sorry!

Kate: Is that the governor of Rhode Island I see?

Ellie: I don’t know, Kate, I think it might be.

Christina: Do the Senate Majority Leader and Majority Whip always travel together and rhyme their sentences like they’re Jesse and James from Pokémon?

Toby: Mom, are those your friends?

Lucinda: We were promised no friends today.

Gretchen: Kate and Ellie, what are you doing here?

Kate: It is Gretchen!

Ellie: Well, Gretchen, you see… we’re the heads ofd a functional Democratic supermajority in the US Senate. We basically run America.

Gretchen: I retired at the wrong time. Being in the Senate seems so much more fun than having to deal with these idiots I deal with in Rhode Island.

Ellie: Trust me, we deal with the biggest idiots you can imagine.

Kate: We just came from visiting one!

Gretchen: I can’t believe the luck we had of running into you both here! We just happened to run into Tammy yesterday.

Kate: Yarborough? IS Marietta campaigning here or something?

Gretchen: Oh, no, not her. Tammy Koobach.

Kate: Oh, right. Forgot about her.

Ellie: As did much of America.

Gretchen: How crazy is it though that Marietta’s running for president now? I mean, who could’ve seen that coming??

Ellie: I don’t even think she saw it coming.

Gretchen: Maybe I still have a shot at VP!

Ellie: It’s always good to have dreams.

Kate: So, what brings you to DC after all this time?

Ellie: Just vacation!

Kate: I think this is just about the last place I’d ever go on vacation!

Gretchen: It was for Toby, he wanted to see the Smithsonian.

Lucinda: Then, get this, he falls into a portrait and gets us all a week-long ban from all the Smithsonian museums!

Kate: A week-long ban?

Ellie: That’s it? Man, I thought they were stricter. Letting people that destroyed artifacts back in after only a week… big mistake.

Toby: It wasn’t ruined, I just knocked into it a little with my head.

Gretchen: Anyway, we’re in DC because of the Smithsonian, and now we can’t go to the Smithsonian, so we’ve had to recalibrate the plans a little. We’re still seeing stuff, there’s a lot to do here.

Christina: We’ve spent most of the vacation listening to her talk to old friends.

Kate: Well, I don’t want to hold you guys if you have plans. We have to get back to the Senate anyway. How about we go out for dinner later tonight and talk again then?

Ellie: I’m coming too!

Kate: You always do.

Gretchen: That sounds great, ladies. We’ll see you then, good luck with your senate business!

Kate: Thank you, we’ll need it.

Later that night…

Kate: Gretchen, I have amazing news! The Secretary of the Smithsonian is a friend of mine.

Gretchen: Oh! Good for you!

Kate: No, good for you! I called him, explained that the ban happened because of a misunderstanding and you did nothing wrong -

Gretchen: I mean, I did call that guard several crude names, so I wasn’t innocent.

Kate: What I’m saying is, I got the ban lifted, you’re good. You can presume your vacation!

Toby: Thank you so much!

Gretchen: Yeah, that really is so kind of you. You did not have to do that.

Kate: It was no trouble. When you’ve be in this town as long as I have, you find people willing to do favors for you.

Gretchen: I love quaint corruption like this. Brings a tear to my eye.

What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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