Marcia walks onto the set.
Marcia: No one else here?
Beverly: Well, you’re early. Like a half-hour early!
Marcia: You say that as if you didn’t arrive even earlier. And by the sounds of that cough, you could used that half-hour to get some rest.
Beverly: I’m in charge, I have stuff to do before everyone gets here. This wasn’t even my first stop, either. I had to get some organic vanilla for some recipe Frances wants to make today. Do you know how hard it is to find a grocery store that’s both open at 7 AM and has organic vanilla?
Marcia: From the sounds of it, I’m gonna guess it’s pretty hard.
Beverly: Yeah. It was worth it, though. The viewers at home will surely be able to tell the difference between organic and non-organic vanilla.
Marcia: I know that’s sarcasm, but it is worth it. You getting it now will prevent a frantic Frances meltdown if you didn’t get it.
Beverly: That is true, she is something of a diva.
Marcia: So what do you have to do to get ready? Maybe I can help.
Beverly: I have to type up the outline for today’s show for Frances, maybe you can get all the ingredients together for the show.
Marcia: What are we making?
Beverly: It’s an episode promoting her new cookbook, all the recipes she’s making today are tagged with a little sticky note.
Marcia: All right, I’ll go do that before I go do my hair and get changed.
Beverly: I’m gonna go to my office.
Marcia: Are you sure you’re okay? You sound awful.
Beverly: It’s a little cough, I’m fine.
Marcia: All right. See you in a bit.
Thirty minutes later…
Marcia: Hey, you all right in there?
Beverly doesn’t answer.
Marcia: I’m coming in!
Marcia finds Beverly laying on the floor in her office.
Beverly: I can’t get up. Call 9-1-1.
Fifteen minutes later…
DeAnna: What the hell is going on in here?
Frances: I’m trying to figure out the same thing.
DeAnna: An ambulance just left.
Frances: No one is here.
Lauren: I saw aunt Marcia get in the ambulance.
Frances: On a stretcher or was she walking?
Lauren: Walking.
Frances: So it was Beverly?
Lauren: That I didn’t see.
DeAnna: Either way, we should head to the hospital to see what’s going on.
Frances: We?
DeAnna: Yeah, I wanna see what’s going on, too. They’re both my friends, I’d be gutted if anything happened to either of them.
Frances: Since when are you friends with Bev and Marcia?
DeAnna: Since forever!
Lauren: I don’t know if you’re really friends, more acquaintances.
DeAnna: You don’t know our dynamic enough to say that, you just got here.
Lauren: Well, I’ve been here almost a ye-
DeAnna: Not long enough. We have a very complex relationship.
Frances: That’s one way to put it. Now, does anyone know what hospital the ambulance would take them to? There are a few in the area.
Lauren: Just text Marcia and Beverly, surely one of them will see it and text back.
Frances: That’s a good idea.
DeAnna: She’s full of them. Bet you’re mad I’ve got her on my staff while you’re stuck with those nuts!
Frances: You mean your dear friends?
DeAnna: Yes, them.
Later, at the hospital…
Frances: Oh my god, Marcia, what is going on? How’s Bev?
Beverly: Well, I didn’t want to text anything, because it’s best to just hear it in person. Wait, what the hell is DeAnna doing here? And where’s Jane?
Frances: Ah, crap, I knew we were forgetting something!
DeAnna: Is there something wrong with my being here?
Beverly: I find something to be wrong any time I’m in your presence, so yes.
Frances: So, anyway, what’s wrong with Bev?
Marcia: She sounded ill from the minute I got in, but I figured it was a cold or something. No big deal. Well, I found her on her office floor about a half hour after I arrived. She was conscious, but very labored breathing. Apparently, from what she said on the ride over, she just felt weak, collapsed, and couldn’t get back up. I called 9-1-1 and they took us away in the ambulance. I sent the crew home, I didn’t want to waste their time since we’re clearly not gonna film today.
Frances: So what’s wrong?
Marcia: We don’t know yet. There’s something with her breathing, I’m guessing it’s some sort of respiratory illness. Not sure what respiratory disease causes a fainting spell, but I’m no doctor. They took her straight in, but I’m sure they’re still running tests to figure out what’s up.
Frances: Did you call Earl?
Marcia: First thing I did.
Frances: She better be okay, she’s not allowed to go out like this.
DeAnna: How’s she supposed to go out?
Frances: In like thirty, forty years, after a lengthy retirement, peacefully.
DeAnna: It’s weird that you had that answer ready to go.
Frances: That’s how I want all my friends to go out. I want everyone I care for to have a nice, long life and live peacefully.
DeAnna: Aww, that’s kinda sweet.
Frances: I wasn’t including you in that.
DeAnna: How silly of me to assume you’d want me to have peace and a long life.
Frances: How silly indeed.
Meanwhile, last the studio…
Jane: Hello? Is anyone there? Did you guys get abducted? Was it aliens? I see your cars! You better not be playing a trick on me!
Jane opens the door to Beverly’s office.
Jane: Ah, not in here!
Jane opens the door to Marcia’s office.
Jane: Not in here!
Jane opens the door to Frances’s office.
Jane: I foun- nope, not in here.
Jane walks into the bathroom.
Jane: You better answer me if you’re in there! I’m not opening those stalls to check!
Jane walks to Dana’s office.
Dana: Oh my god, Jane, how’d you get in here?
Jane: I told your secretary it was an emergency.
Dana: What’s the emergency?
Jane: Frances, Marcia and Beverly are all missing! So’s the crew!
Dana: Missing?
Jane: They’re not in the studio! You wanna see?
Dana: I trust you.
Jane: Where could they be? I’m scared! What if it was aliens?
Dana: What if it was… huh?
Jane: Aliens!
Dana: This isn’t The X-Files, Jane. Surely there’s a logical explanation. Did they try calling any of them?
Jane: No.
Dana: I think that might be a start, no?
Jane: I guess you’re right.
Dana: My goodness.
One hour later, at the hospital…
Marcia: Earl, what’s going on?
Earl: She’s okay.
Marcia: That’s great news!
Frances: So what caused the breathing stuff and the, you know, the collapsing?
Earl: She has a very strange case of pneumonia, in that the symptoms presented as very mild despite it really taking a toll on her body.
Marcia: I knew that cough was not normal!
Earl: They said she got very lucky that it wasn’t worse. Usually when pneumonia’s bad enough to make someone faint, it means someone’s in septic shock. Thankfully, you found her before that happened.
Marcia: Wow, I’m a lifesaver.
Frances: Oh, she’s gonna be annoying about this.
DeAnna: Can she have visitors?
Frances: Why would she want you of all people to visit?
Dana: We got here as soon as we could! Well, I got here as soon as I could. Jane made us stop for breakfast. Is she okay?
Jane: I didn’t know if they had food here!
Marcia: It’s a hospital, of course they have food!
Jane: Well it’s not a restaurant, how would I know?
Frances: She’s got pneumonia, she’ll get through it.
Dana: Oh, that’s good! I mean, it’s not good. I’m just glad she’s gonna get through it.
Earl: I know what you meant, I felt the same way. And, to answer your question, they’re going to admit her for observation and once she’s in that room, we can visit. It’ll be a little while yet.
DeAnna: Okay, I’m gonna get going then. I’ll get something for her from the gift shop.
Frances: Wow, she stopped caring quick!
DeAnna: I know she’s okay now, I feel at rest. I have a show to film, so I have to go do that.
Lauren: It’s like one o’clock.
DeAnna: Yeah, plenty of time to film an episode!
Lauren: Guess I’m not visiting Beverly today.
Frances: We’ll send our love.
Earl: I did get to see her for a few minutes. She really appreciates that you’re all here for her. Even you, DeAnna.
DeAnna: I’m glad someone appreciates me.
Frances: Ah, poor, poor pitiful DeAnna!
Dana: Nope! We’re not arguing here.
DeAnna: You’re right. I’ll be the adult and remove myself from the situation.
Dana: You were already leaving!
Five days later…
Marcia: Okay, Bev is on her way! We’re all gonna give her a warm welcome back!
Jane: Why are you looking at me?
Marcia: Because I can’t help but feel like you’ll forget she was ever gone the second she gets back.
Beverly: Forget who was gone?
Marcia: Bev, you got here quick!
Frances: How are you feeling?
Beverly: Eh, better than I was. Three days in the hospital followed by a day and a half of Nurse Earl was a true experience, that’s all I’ll say.
Marcia: Was he that bad?
Beverly: I couldn’t get a moment’s peace, he was so worried about me.
Frances: Well, we’re not gonna be too nosy. Whatever you want to share with us, you’re free to.
Beverly: Well, I’m glad to hear that, because I have something to share that I’ve been thinking about since I was in the hospital.
Marcia: Let’s hear it!
Beverly: I’m leaving.
Marcia: What?
Jane: Oh, Beverly, welcome back!
Marcia: Read the room!
Beverly: After having a near-death experience, and seeing my life flash before my eyes, I realized that I’m not pursuing my real passion in life. I need to take the risk and go after my dream.
Frances: And what is that?
Beverly: Interior design.
Marcia: Ah, now she’s become Dixie Carter!
Jane: Is that who they named the Dixie Cup after?
Frances: Oh my god.
Beverly: I knew you guys wouldn’t “get” it, but it’s important for me to chase this dream. The show’s clearly been doing well with Marcia producing it. I want you to take over.
Marcia: I just… I’ve never heard you mention interior design before!
Beverly: I don’t talk about it much. Most people don’t find it interesting.
Frances: How can it ever compare to the magical world of television? Bev, don’t throw your career away over a rash, illness-fueled decision.
Beverly: My mind’s made up, I’m gonna go talk to Dana about it. I’ll finish out the next two weeks and then I’ll be gone so I can set up my design business.
Frances: Well, I can’t say I understand, but I wish you well.
Jane: I’m gonna miss you!
Beverly: Oh, no, don’t cry! And don’t rub snot on my shirt, please.
Jane: Sorry!
Later that night…
Greg: Welcome home! How was Beverly’s big day back?
Frances: Don’t get me started. Don’t even get me started.
Louise: That good, huh?
Frances: She quit.
Jimmy: Wow, Beverly? She always seemed so dedicated to her job!
Frances: She’s extremely dedicated, I refuse to believe she’s not pulling our legs.
Louise: Did she say why she’s quitting?
Frances: She’s becoming an interior designer.
Louise: She’s becoming… what?
Frances: I know!
Louise: Like with curtains and pillows and stuff?
Jimmy: I hope she’s better at it than Hildi from Trading Spaces.
Frances: I don’t expect her to pour sand on anyone’s floor or make a mural of her own face on someone else’s wall, but the quality of her work is really not the point. This is so out of left field, I can’t believe it!
Greg: Is that even a field someone can just break into?
Frances: I don’t know, I’ve never checked.
Greg: Does her husband know?
Frances: Of course he does!
Greg: You respect my opinion, correct?
Jimmy: I speak from experience here: no.
Louise: I was about to say the same.
Frances: I do respect your opinion, but I must ask where this is headed.
Greg: Not to sound patriarchal, but maybe you could ask her husband to intervene.
Louise: He’s not the boss of her!
Jimmy: Oh, man…
Frances: No, he’s right. Bev takes Earl’s advice very seriously, if I could get him to express that he’s uncomfortable with her throwing her career away on a whim, I might be able to get her to stay.
Greg: See, I do sometimes have good ideas!
Louise: This will backfire, I’m telling you right now.
Frances: Well, we’ll just have to see.
The next day…
Frances: She’s in her office, correct?
Marcia: Correct.
Frances: Okay, I have a plan.
Jane: For what?
Frances: To keep Beverly around!
Jane: Oh, that’s right! I forgot she quit!
Frances: Why couldn’t you be the one quitting?
Marcia: Because the loony bin is full and she’s got nowhere else to go. Now, what’s this plan?
Frances: I’m gonna get Earl to talk her out of quitting.
Marcia: Oh my god, you have to be joking.
Frances: She respects his opinion, I think he can talk her out of it.
Marcia: She respects his opinion so much because he always happens to agree with her.
Frances: However true that may be, I think this is our only chance.
Marcia: Give it a go, then.
Jane: Give what a go?
Marcia: Just go get us coffee! Goddamn!
Frances: Is she getting worse?
Marcia: She’s not getting better.
Frances: All right, I’m gonna go enact Operation Get Her Back. Make sure you distract her if she leaves her office.
Marcia: Got it, Mr. Bond.
Frances walks outside and calls Earl.
Earl: Frances, how’s it going?
Frances: I’m okay, Earl. How have you been handling everything?
Earl: Well, she’s better now, and that’s really all I care about. Is something the matter at work that you’re calling me?
Frances: You could say that!
Earl: So she told you.
Frances: Earl, you have to think it’s just as ridiculous as we do!
Earl: Believe me, I do! But she says it’s her dream, and I can’t stand in the way of that.
Frances: She’s going to regret leaving her actual dream job for… whatever she thinks interior design is. A hobby? A side hustle? I don’t know, but I’ve known her for many years and I’ve never once heard her talk about it.
Earl: I don’t recall hearing it myself.
Frances: Were they playing some HGTV or Designing Women in that hospital room? I just don’t know where this came from!
Earl: I don’t know, but she’s a grown woman, I trust her to make that decision for herself.
Frances: All right, well… I guess that decision’s made. I gonna miss her.
Earl: Trust me, she’s gonna miss you, too.
Three weeks later…
Dana: All right, gang! Big news!
Marcia: Hey, you can’t just walk onto my set like that!
Beverly: Your set?
Marcia: Bev, what the hell are you doing here?
Beverly: I’m returning home.
Marcia: Does that mean what I think it means?
Dana: Marcia, the ball is fully in your court here: Beverly wants to return as producer, but I can only allow it if you return to your job as co-host. Your pay increase will remain in place.
Marcia: Can I keep an executive producer credit at least?
Dana: Sure.
Marcia: Welcome back, Bev!
Frances: So what spurred this?
Beverly: Do you know how hard it is to start an interior design company?
Frances: I… had my assumptions.
Beverly: It’s basically impossible. Who could have guessed?
Marcia: All of us, even Jane.
Jane: Hey, she looks like Beverly!
Marcia: Okay, maybe not Jane.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
