Marcia gets out of her car on the studio lot.
DeAnna: Someone’s late today!
Marcia: What’s it to you?
DeAnna: Just making small talk, damn.
Marcia: Your “small talk” always has an ulterior motive. Are you trying to rub something in or get dirt or something?
DeAnna: I’m just saying you’re late. Frances beat you here, that’s very unusual.
Marcia: Why are you always in the parking lot? Do you not have a show to film? I’m asking because I really don’t know, I don’t know ofd anyone who actually subjects themselves to watching it.
Lauren: What’s going on out here?
DeAnna: Stay in your lane!
Marcia: Oh, hi Lauren! How are you?
Lauren: I’m… fine?
Marcia: Yeah, I hear ya.
DeAnna: This was enlightening, I’m gonna go film that show that no one watches.
Marcia: You said it this time, not me!
Marcia walks onto the set.
Beverly: Finally! We were getting worried!
Jane: Even I beat you here, and I’ve been told I’m very slow!
Marcia: I come with exciting news.
Frances: Glad someone does.
Marcia: I just won a radio contest for all expenses paid tickets to see Barry Manilow in Vegas!
Frances: Yay…
Jane: Who’s Barry Manilow?
Marcia: Not really the response I was hoping for.
Frances: Well, um… I’ll let you enjoy what you enjoy.
Marcia: Do you really not like Barry? Are you not a Fanilow?
Frances: Fanilow?
Beverly: That sounds like a gay slur.
Marcia: It’s what we call fans of the beloved, world-renowned performer Barry Manilow.
Beverly: Okay. Well I’m not one of those, but I do like Mandy.
Marcia: You guys are really raining on my parade here.
Beverly: You’re free to love Barry all you want.
Frances: I’m shocked that you do, though. You don’t usually like all that saccharine, sappy stuff.
Marcia: Everyone needs a bit of sweetness to counteract the bitterness.
Frances: You yelled at me for enjoying The Wizard of Oz because you said it was too sweet and “cloying.”
Marcia: My god, can’t a woman enjoy the music of Barry Manilow without being interrogated?
Frances: No one’s said you can’t, we’re just surprised that you do.
Beverly: And with that, I think it’d be good to get to work instead of discussing Barry.
Marcia: No, wait.
Beverly: Oh, here we go.
Marcia: I know you’re not big Fanilows, but I got four tickets to the concert and I figured I could take my three best girlfriends.
Frances: Now it makes a bit more sense why you were so offended by our response to your Barry love. You wanted us to join you!
Jane: I’ll go! I own’t know who he is, but it can’t be that bad. I have nothing else to do.
Frances: Don’t get me wrong, I find his music to be the musical equivalent of pre-packaged American cheese, but a weekend in Vegas with the girls? That’s worth spending two hours listen to Barry singing about how he writes the songs.
Beverly: Can we trade the tickets for Celine Dion?
Frances: Ah, yes, the famously non-sappy Celine Dion.
Beverly: Do you hate fun?
Frances: I am very excited for our trip, I think that’ll be fun. I’m just not too excited to hear Marcia’s favorite singer in concert, but I’ll make do.
Marcia: He’s not my favorite artist, I just enjoy his music. The really exciting part of this was the Vegas trip. That’s gonna be a blast.
Frances: Do you think we’ll have to explain to Jane what Vegas is?
Jane: I know what Vegas is! He was Kelly Ripa’s co-host.
Beverly: That’s Regis!
Jane: That’s not a name!
Later that night…
Jimmy: So how was everyone’s day?
Greg: Weren’t you two meeting with the contractors for updates on the rebuild?
Jimmy: Those plans fell through, I had a mandatory meeting at work!
Louise: And I certainly wasn’t about to deal with them myself. What do I know about home repair?
Frances: I had an eventful day!
Jimmy: You somehow always do.
Frances: Well, you know what, if you don’t want to listen to it, you could always stay somewhere else for free while your house is being rebuilt. Oh, wait…
Jimmy: I wasn’t complaining, I was just -
Frances: No, no. You were being shady, just own it.
Jimmy: That really was not the intent.
Greg: So what happened today, Frances?
Frances: Well, I’m apparently going to Las Vegas with the ladies from the show next weekend.
Greg: Does that include my sister?
Frances: It sure does.
Greg: Am I not invited?
Frances: It’s just a girls thing I believe, she only has four tickets. Howard’s not going, either.
Greg: But she’s my sister.
Frances: Yeah, but he’s her husband.
Greg: I just wish I’d be included in things, is all.
Frances: Honey, we’re going for a Barry Manilow concert, you’re not missing out on anything good.
Jimmy: Besides, we just went to Atlantic City, anyway. That’s the Las Vegas of New Jersey!
Louise: I love Barry Manilow!
Frances: Of course you do.
Louise: I want to go!
Frances: Of course you do.
Louise: You don’t seem keen on the idea.
Frances: Well, like I said, she only has four tickets.
Louise: I can pay my way, it’s no problem.
Frances: You really want to go?
Louise: Yes!
Frances: Of course you do.
Louise: Why do you keep saying that?
Lauren: I don’t think she wants you to go.
Frances: It’s not that!
Lauren: It seems like that.
Frances: I just don’t understand the logistics of it, you know? It’s not my trip, it’s Marcia’s.
Louise: Do you think Marcia wouldn’t want me to go?
Frances: I don’t think she’d have a problem, but I feel uncomfortable speaking on her behalf. I’ll call her and ask.
Greg: Can you ask about me?
Frances: No.
Greg: Great, thanks.
After dinner, Frances calls Marcia.
Marcia: Wow, you never call after work.
Frances: Well, I think we all talk to each other enough on work days, no?
Marcia: Yeah, so why are you calling me now?
Frances: I have a question about our upcoming trip.
Marcia: Oh, aren’t you just excited?
Frances: I am, but someone else is, too.
Marcia: Did Jane forget where we’re going again and you’re calling me to mock her? Don’t do that, she has a small brain, it’s been proven by science.
Frances: It’s not Jane. Louise wants to come with us.
Marcia: Well, I’ve only got four tickets, but she could pay her way. You two wouldn’t mind sharing a bed, would you?
Frances: Why would we do that?
Marcia: There’s only two beds and a cot. Jane gets the cot because she’s the easiest to trick, and then Bev and I can share a bed.
Frances: I can book another room. I’m a millionaire, Marcia.
Marcia: Good for you. You can ruin girls weekend.
Frances: All right, we’ll all stay together.
Marcia: That’s the spirit!
Frances: Louise is going to be really excited about this, she loves Barry Manilow.
Marcia: That’s gonna be a little harder to get tickets to, the concert’s sold out.
Frances: A Barry Manilow concert is sold out? I refuse to believe it.
Marcia: Many people have taste even if you, unfortunately, weren’t blessed with it.
Frances: She can have my ticket. Plenty to do in Vegas to occupy me for a few hours.
Marcia: This is gonna be so much fun!
Frances: Sure.
Two weeks later…
Beverly: Look at us, ladies! Finally taking some time for ourselves!
Jane: I’m so glad to be in San Jose!
Frances: Las Vegas.
Jane: You’re excused.
Beverly: Did she think you just sneezed?
Frances: I don’t like to think about how her mind works too much.
Marcia: Look how stylish we are, like the female version of that movie with Michael Douglas about a group of friends coming to Vegas.
Frances: Last Vegas?
Marcia: That’s the one!
Frances: Wasn’t the whole point of that movie that they’re very old and that this is likely their last chance for a getaway?
Marcia: I doin’t know, I haven’t seen it.
Frances: I haven’t either, that’s just what I got from the poster and the name and the fact that its youngest lead star is somehow Kevin Kline.
Beverly: We’re going to the hotel first, right?
Frances: Of course we are, it’s almost dinner time. You think we’re gonna drag our luggage into a fancy restaurant?
Beverly: You never know with this group. I mean, Jane doesn’t even know what city she’s in.
Jane: I know! El Paso!
Louise: Sometimes I’m convinced she plays it up as a joke.
Jane: Plays what up?
Louise: Nothing.
Frances: When is that Barry Manilow concert you girls are going to, again?
Marcia: Tomorrow at seven.
Frances: I’m gonna ask the concierge lady if there are any shows at the same time.
Louise: Why not just gamble? It is Vegas, after all.
Frances: I’ve never really found it fun to gamble. I don’t understand why anyone would do it.
Marcia: Well that takes out roughly eighty percent of our itinerary.
Frances: No, you guys can do it all you want, I don’t want to limit your fun. I can stand with you and yap without participating.
Louise: I’m starting to think Vegas isn’t Frances’s place. She doesn’t like cheesy music acts or gambling, what else is there to do here?
Frances: Plenty! There’s, uh… the Hoover Dam.
Jane: What’s that?
Marcia: What I scream when I run my foot over with the vacuum.
Beverly: We’ll figure out some fun things we can do together here besides, you know, looking at a dam.
Frances: You don’t have to jump through hoops to accommodate me, I really am fine.
The next day…
Marcia: Why is this ferris wheel stopped in the middle of the air?
Beverly: Is that not what they do?
Jane: I was at the county fair once and the ferris wheel broke down! They made us crawl down a ladder from the fire truck just to get down!
Marcia: Not helpful right now, Jane.
Jane: Sorry.
Marcia: We just better not miss Barry because of this.
Frances: I told you guys we should just stay close to the casino so you weren’t late. We pushed it too far, now we’re stressing.
Marcia: Also not helpful!
Frances: I’m just saying!
Beverly: Even if we do miss Barry -
Marcia: Don’t even!
Beverly: We had a really nice day. We walked through that park today, we met Nevada’s senator somehow and had a great conversation about legalizing gay marriage -
Jane: I really think my words moved him.
Louise: Moved him to oppose it, yes.
Beverly: This was a fulfilling trip regardless of whether we fulfill our main purpose for it. Plus, we’ve still got three days left!
Marcia: Not to see Barry!
Frances: You need to stop saying it like that, you sound like a stalker.
Marcia: How so?
Frances: You keep calling him by his first name like you’re pals! You don’t know the man! Are you planning to do a Misery on him and tie him up in your cabin?
Marcia: I don’t have a cabin!
Louise: I have to say, that being your best defense agains the charge is a bit frightening.
Marcia: The insinuation is so ridiculous that I feel no need to defend myself from it.
Jane: When is the concert?
Beverly: We have two hours until it starts.
Jane: That’s plenty of time!
Louise: Is it?
Jane: The fire company had that ladder up to get us down within a half-hour.
Louise: And where did you grow up?
Jane: I can’t remember.
Louise: Frances, where did you find her?
Frances: I can’t remember.
One hour later…
Marcia: What is wrong? They haven’t told us what’s wrong!
Beverly: It’s stuck.
Marcia: Thank you, Columbo.
Jane: Who’s Columbo?
Louise: You know what? I’ll let her slide on that one, he’s before her time.
Frances: I feel so old.
Jane: You are old!
Frances: Thank you, Jane.
Jane: You’re welcome!
Marcia: I just can’t believe we’re in this situation! The main reason I came to Sin City to begin with, and I’m gonna miss it because someone had to take a ferris wheel ride!
Frances: Don’t look at me like that! Bev’s the one who suggested it!
Beverly: Don’t bring me into this!
Frances: I said I wouldn’t mind spending an hour or so with you guys in the casino, but you didn’t want to make me feel excluded, so you came up with this idea and now I’m being blamed for it!
Louise: I think we can all brush this aside, it’s not a big deal. I love Barry, too, but there will be more concerts. The important thing is we’re together!
Marcia: Who cares about being together! I waited on the line for two hours to win that contest!
Beverly: No wonder you were late for work that day!
Jane: Can I say so-
Marcia: No!
Jane: Sorry, I should’ve known better.
Frances: I think the moral of the story is to not go on ferris wheels. They suck.
Marcia: Be serious!
Frances: I’m being very serious.
Marcia: No, you’re not.
Frances: That’s your opinion.
Thirty minutes later…
Marcia: Can you just accept that I’m upset?
Frances: Yes, but it’s not my fault!
Marcia: You’ve been against this trip from the very start!
Frances: That is a remarkable generalization.
Marcia: Is it? You were mocking Barry Manilow from the very start, then you were complaining about what there is to do in this city, then you were -
Beverly: Marcia?
Marcia: What?
Beverly: It’s time.
Marcia: Time for what?
Beverly: While you were busy screaming at Frances and going on a tirade, the ferris wheel started moving again, and we are at the bottom now, and it is time to leave. We have a half-hour until Barry gets on, so let’s get moving.
Marcia: Oh!
Beverly: Yeah, oh.
Marcia: Well, we’ll… see ya later, Frances.
Frances: Yeah, you sure will.
Louise: Have fun, Frances!
Jane: Where are we going?
Later that night in the hotel room, Frances calls Greg.
Greg: I wasn’t expecting to hear from you tonight, what’s going on?
Frances: I am having an awful, awful time, and I hate this city.
Greg: What’s happening?
Frances: We had a big fight today, me and Marcia. She thought she was gonna miss her concert because of some mishap and took it out on me. Now I’m back at the room with nothing to do but dwell on the drama.
Greg: You’re in Vegas, the city that never sleeps!
Frances: That’s New York.
Greg: Well, Vegas doesn’t sleep either. You have plenty to go see.
Frances: I was supposed to see the Blue Man Group, but I lost my ticket today during our hike and the show’s sold out now.
Greg: That’s not the only other show in town, right?
Frances: No, it’s not.
Greg: Then go find something else! Go have an adventure!
Frances: I guess.
Greg: Not “I guess.” Do it! You deserve it!
Frances: All right, I will. It’s a city bustling with nightlife, surely I’ll find something to do!
Later that night…
Marcia: Wow, that was fun! I didn’t even mind missing his first song, that’s how much of a thrill that show was!
Jane: I can’t wait to tell Frances that Barry Manilow knows my name!
Beverly: Yeah, only because you kept screaming it at him for his attention and he finally said “Jane, hush up!”
Jane: It was magical!
Marcia: Ah, Frances. I forgot how mean I was to her.
Beverly: Well, she’s just behind the door, so you can apologize then.
Marcia: Maybe let’s wait to open the door.
Louise opens the door.
Louise: Frannie, we’re home!
Beverly: Maybe she’s asleep?
Louise: Under the bed?
Beverly: Maybe she went home.
Louise: All her stuff’s here.
Jane: She was kidnapped!
Marcia: I can’t help but feel I had something to do with this.
Beverly: You think?
Two hours later…
Louise: Oh, the door!
Jane: The kidnapper’s coming for us!
Louise: And he’s got a key?
Jane: Maybe he works here!
Frances: What are you two yammering about?
Marcia: Frances, I’m so sorry for yelling at you!
Frances: Eh, it is what it is. You inspired me to go out and see the town. First, I saw Celine Dion.
Louise: Lucky!
Beverly: That was my idea!
Frances: Don’t worry, I talked with Celine, I got a few signed hats for you girls and she’s gonna do the show!
Beverly collapses.
Louise: She’ll be fine,
Frances: After that, I went to the Bellagio fountain and got to see the show there. I almost fell in, but it was so magical that it didn’t matter. Then, to top it off, I was feeling so happy that I decided I might as well give gambling a try. I won ten grand! Thank you, gambling!
Marcia: Sounds like you had an eventful night.
Frances: It can’t stack up to hearing Mandy live, but it was pretty fun.
Marcia: You still hate Vegas?
Frances: It’s okay. Now, if you excuse me, it’s nearly midnight and that’s far beyond my bedtime.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
