Our House Season 2, Episode 16
Tammi: I know, it feels like we’ve been on lockdown forever.
Steven: We’ve played every game in the house.
Teri: I got a new one for my birthday!
Steven: Really? Can we play it?
Teri: No!
Steven: Why not?
Teri: Tammi, help me. Please?
Tammi: Sweetie, some games aren’t made for kids.
Steven: What is it?
Teri: It’s the -
Tammi: Don’t. Please don’t.
Danielle: You shouldn’t shelter your children from everything.
Tammi: Don’t tell me how to parent my son.
Steven: Someone please just tell me!
Tammi: My goodness, why do you want to know so bad?
Betty: Because he’s bored and wants to play a new game!
Steven: What grandma Betty said!
Betty: I’ll get you a new one. We’ll pick something out on Amazon.
Steven: Thank you grandma Betty!
Velma: Oh, I can’t it anymore! Teri got XXXopoly for her birthday!
Tammi: Velma!
Steven: What’s that?
Tammi: Oh, thank god.
The next day…
Teri: Cindy, can you come here please?
Cindy: Where is here? I don’t know where you are.
Teri: My room!
Cindy: Okay.
Teri: Close the door!
Cindy: What’s going on here? Why so secretive? Did you join a cult?
Teri: No! I just don’t want mom to hear us.
Cindy: Won’t she know something’s up just seeing that the door is closed?
Teri: It’s mom. She’ll just think we’re planning a surprise for her.
Cindy: Are we?
Teri: No.
Cindy: Then what’s going on?
Teri: I’m late.
Cindy: To?
Teri: My period is late.
Cindy: Oh no!
Teri: Yeah.
Cindy: Have you been… you know?
Teri: Having sex? No! Not since April. Right before the quarantine began.
Cindy: Well, uh, this is about the time you’d expect to find out you’re expecting. Were you using protection?
Teri: Of course we were!
Cindy: Good. You can’t get pregnant by a man named Trigger.
Teri: Trigger is a nickname his friends call him. His name is James and he’s a lovely man.
Cindy: You’re been seeing him on and off for four years and he’s met us three times. You’re clearly embarrassed of him. He’s not going to be the father of your children.
Teri: I know. I just like him in a casual, friends with benefits kind of way.
Cindy: You have to break up with him soon. Your clock is ticking.
Teri: You sound like mom!
Cindy: I’m sorry. It’s true, though.
Teri: Yeah, I know.
Cindy: You’re thirty-four years old.
Teri: Mom, stop.
Cindy: I’m Cindy.
Teri: I was being sarcastic.
Cindy: Oh.
Teri: What do you think is going on with me?
Cindy: Did you take a pregnancy test just to be sure?
Teri: Yes, it was negative.
Cindy: How did you slip that one past mom?
Teri: I ordered it on Amazon and brought it into the house still in the box. I told her it was present for her.
Cindy: Oh, so that’s what she’s been talking about. She’s still waiting for her gift.
Teri: Yeah, I know. I didn’t actually get her anything so I have no clue what I’m going to do.
Cindy: Just wrap a book or a DVD or something and give it to her and say you just wanted to get something for her to show you love her. Done.
Teri: Good idea! Now, about my lateness…?
Cindy: How long has it been?
Teri: I’m two weeks late.
Cindy: Alright, that’s a little worrying.
Teri: You think?
Cindy: I’m no expert on sex ed, bu-
Teri: I know. You got pregnant at seventeen.
Cindy: You don’t have to rub that in every time. That pregnancy did produce Tammi. You love her.
Teri: It also indirectly gave us Frank. Call it a mixed bag. Now about me, continue on your point.
Cindy: I’m no sex ed expert, but they do say that stress can cause a delay in your period. Have you been stressed about anything lately?
Teri: Other than the world being on fire, a deadly virus forcing us to all be locked in our houses and CBS canceling the new Edie Falco cop show? No, nothing at all.
Cindy: One of those feels less important than the others but point taken. Have you been worrying so much about any of those things that it could’ve caused this?
Teri: I’ve been a ball of stress and depression for the past few weeks so that could be it.
Cindy: Alright, problem solved! At least for now. It if keeps up, we’ll have to talk again. For now, just assume it’s stress. Try to relax. Drink some tea. Watch RuPaul’s Drag Race or whatever liberals watch to unwind.
Teri: RuPaul’s Drag Race only makes us more anxious. You root for a queen you love and you get attached and then worry that Ru will send her home. It’s scary.
Cindy: Sure. Then watch one of those Chicago shows. Mom loves them and it makes me tired when I watch it so maybe it’ll relax you.
One week later…
Steven: Is my game here yet?
Betty: I’m sorry, it’s still not here. At least, if it is it’s not in the house. Ralph, did you get the mail today?
Ralph: Yes, no package from Amazon
Betty: Sorry Steven. It’ll be here soon.
Tammi: Just curious nana, what game did you order. Steven won’t tell me.
Betty: Cards Against Humanity! He thought it looked fun. He said some kids at school play it and they said it’s very informational.
Tammi: No! You are not playing that game with my kid!
Danielle: Even I have to agree with that one.
Tammi: If she’s saying that, it’s bad.
Velma: Don’t cancel the order, though. I’ve always wanted to play it.
Tammi: It’s fun, I’d like to play it again. Just not around my son!
Betty: Alright Steven, I guess we’ll get another game for you. You start looking, I’ll run upstairs to grab my new credit card. It just came in the mail yesterday.
Karl: Please don’t max this one out, too.
Betty: I can’t make any promises.
Karl: Yeah, I know. Just let me know if you do.
Mitchell: You’re a saint, Karl. I’d kill Velma if she maxed out so many credit cards.
Velma: Kill me over what? I make the money in this relationship. You haven’t been to work since January.
Mitchell: That’s low.
Carlene: Low is making a sexist remark about your wife implying she shouldn’t have financial freedom when she’s the one making the money.
Frank: Ooh, look at Carlene getting woke!
Carlene: Shut it.
Upstairs, in Teri’s room…
Teri: I still haven’t… ebbed and flowed.
Cindy: Still? It’s been three weeks now.
Teri: Yeah, I know. No need to remind me. I’ve done everything possible to relax. What if it’s not stress?
Cindy: It might still be that. You have a little bit left before you completely miss this one.
Teri: I know. I keep telling myself that. Unfortunately, I just don’t listen to my own advice.
Cindy: Thankfully you didn’t tell mom. She’d already be insisting that you call your doctor and get her advice on it via Zoom chat because we’re not allowed to leave the house under any circumstances.
Betty swings the door open.
Betty: Don’t you dare hide something from your mother, Teresa.
Teri: That’s not even my name.
Betty: I know, I just wish it was. Your father preferred just Teri. That’s not the issue at hand right now, though. What are you keeping from me?
Teri: It’s no big deal.
Cindy: I thought you said this wouldn’t happen.
Teri: Well I thought you locked the door behind you.
Betty: You were talking about a doctor, what is wrong?
Teri: Nothing. Go watch Property Brothers and relax.
Betty: I watch CNN all day and you know it. What’s wrong?
Cindy: Teri’s period is three weeks late.
Teri: Why would you tell her that?
Cindy: I’m sorry, I cracked under the pressure.
Teri: What pressure?
Cindy: Look at the look in her eyes. She scares me!
Teri: She’s pushing 80, the only person she should scare is the person who she’d be roommates with when we put her in a home.
Betty: When you do what?
Teri: Joking, joking.
Betty: Now, about your… issue.
Teri: I really don’t want to be talking about my period with my mother. I’m not a teenager anymore.
Betty: You’re not pregnant?
Teri: No, I already talked about this with Cindy.
Betty: You’re not serious. You really think I’m going to let you go without also talking about it with me?
Teri: No, I really don’t.
Betty: So, you’ve taken a pregnancy test?
Teri: Yes.
Betty: Good. You can’t get pregnant from someone named Tigger.
Teri: Not you too. And his name is James. His nickname is Trigger!
Betty: I don’t care what his name is, have you met him? I haven’t!
Teri: This is not the conversation I expected to have today.
Betty: I can change the topic. How about the fact that my daughter might be going through early menopause and might never give me grandchildren.
Cindy: I gave you grandchildren. Two of them!
Betty: Look at your kids, Cindy. I love Tammi and Zeke dearly but they’re old. I want a little baby to hold and love and be a grandma to. Now I’m never getting that! And you would’ve kept if from me!
Teri: I’m just late, we don’t know if there’s anything wrong. We certainly don’t know if I’m entering menopause and that I can’t have children!
Betty: You’re not pregnant. What other explanation is there for you to be late?
Teri: Maybe I’m just stressed. Maybe my body’s just messed up right now. I’ve been eating a lot of Doritos and beef sticks from the farmer’s market. It’s about seventy percent of my diet at this point.
Betty: Oh come on, that doesn’t cause your period to be late!
Cindy: Actually…
Betty: Not correct me, Cindy. You got pregnant at seventeen.
Cindy: You too?
Betty: It’s true. I was the youngest grandmother in town.
Cindy: You don’t know that for sure.
Betty: I know everyone in town, I know.
Teri: What does this have to do with me?
Betty: Sorry, I got caught up in that. I am worried about you though, Teri. I know you want children and I’m scared you won’t be able to.
Teri: I don’t get it. How are you more scared than I am about this?
Betty: I’m your mother. It’s my job to be scared about everything on behalf of my children.
Cindy: You weren’t scared about everything on my behalf
Betty: You turned out just fine. Teri’s my baby, I have to protect her.
Teri: You don’t. You really don’t.
Steven: Grandma Betty, you never came down. You were worrying me.
Teri: Oh Steven. She’s just sticking her nose in someone else’s business. Nothing new. She’ll be down in a minute.
Betty: I will be down. Let’s go now.
Three days later…
Teri: Cindy, mother, come here!
Jerry: Time for the coven meeting!
Betty: Very funny! You’re lucky I’m not a witch or I’d turn you into a frog.
In Teri’s room…
Teri: Big news!
Betty: Are you actually pregnant? I’ll drive you to Planned Parenthood. I don’t want a grandchild like this.
Cindy: Man, you really do hate Trigger.
Betty: Trigger? Who’s that?
Teri: Tigger.
Betty: Oh!
Teri: My period is finally here!
Betty: Thank the lord!
Cindy: I’m so glad to not have to worry about my sister’s cycle anymore. You don’t even know how glad.
Teri: I also made a decision.
Betty: What is it?
Cindy: Did you decide to move out? You can’t leave us here together. I will sue you.
Teri: No! This is my dream house! I decided that, when this quarantine nightmare is finally over, I’m going to freeze my eggs.
Betty: You are? Are you really planning on waiting that long to give me my grandchildren?
Teri: I don’t know. But I want to do it with the right guy. Someone I’m going to spend my life with. I’m thirty-four years old and what happened a few days ago got me thinking about my future. Who knows when the right guy will come along. I have to prepare myself for the future.
Cindy: I think this is a very brave decision. It takes a lot for a woman to admit she’s getting old and she doesn’t have a man in sight.
Betty: Stop it, Cindy. It’s a great think your sister is doing.
Teri: Thank you! I appreciate your support.
Karl: I think it’s great, too.
Teri: Ah! Dad, how long have you been there?
Karl: Five minutes.
Teri: So, for our entire conversation?
Karl: Yeah.
Teri: That’s fine, it’s just you.
Karl: Uh huh.
Teri: Dad no.
Karl: What?
Teri: Is the entire family listening in on us?
Karl: Of course not!
Teri: Are you sure?
Karl: Of course I'm sure! Never been more sure of anything!
Carlene coughs.
Velma: Dammit Carlene!
Karl: Okay, they might be.
Teri: Come on in, guys! I know you want in. Family hug.
Velma: Thank god we don’t have to pretend to not know about Teri’s late period anymore.
Teri: You knew about that, too?
Jerry: Just guess how.
Teri: Oh, mom.
Betty: I can’t help myself.
Teri: Unless you’re the Four Tops, don’t say that. Because you can help yourself. You just choose not to.
Ding-dong.
Ralph: I’ll get it! It’s probably the mailman!
Steven: Is that my game finally getting here? Can we play it now?
Teri: I’m done here, so sure. Family game day part 108, here we go!
What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the series premiere of the new RB Productions series Raymond Island next week!
