Raymond Island Season 1 Episode 2 - Take Me Out to the Ball Game

Raymond Island Season 1, Episode 2
Take Me Out to the Ball Game

Gretchen is relaxing at home, watching TV with her family.
Gretchen: Does that say what I think it says?
Anthony: It says the Providence Blue Hawks are leaving Rhode Island. Is that what you thought it said?
Gretchen: Unfortunately.
Lucinda: What the hell did you do?
Gretchen: I didn’t do anything!
Lucinda: Well who did?
Gretchen: There’s a small chance that Speaker Matthews may have added a provision to the economic plan.
Christina: What was the provision, mom?
Gretchen: He wanted to make the tax increase a bit smaller, so he cut the number of subsidies for sports teams in Rhode Island.
Christina: By how much?
Gretchen: I don’t know, I didn’t even realize it until after I signed it into law.
Lucinda: Gretchen I raised you better than that!
Gretchen: I know, I messed up. I never would’ve signed it. Those subsidies helped keep them in Rhode Island and they’re a huge part of our economy.
Lucinda: How do you suppose you’ll get yourself out of this one?
Gretchen: I don’t know but I’m certainly going to try! Tomorrow. Today is my only day off and I’m making it count.
Christina: Mom, we’re watching Match Game. It’s not that crucial. You should worry about that petition. What if it reaches the goal over this? People love baseball!
Gretchen: Tomorrow. I will deal with it tomorrow. I still want to relax today because every other day of my life is stressful as can be. Now, put on Match Game. I wanna see if Caroline Rhea can match with that carpenter dude and give him a full sweep.
The next day, in Gretchen’s office…
Gretchen: So girls, what ideas do you have to fix this one? Because I’ve got nothing. At all.
Carol: maybe you can have a press conference about it. The last one went so well. Kidding!
Gretchen: This is a bad time for jokes.
Carol: Sorry, it’s all in good fun.
Gretchen: I know. It’s just too stressful a time to be cracking jokes. I really have no idea what to do. I think this could be what does me in.
Susana: I have an idea!
Gretchen: I’m desperate and your mom seems to have nothing, so fire away!
Susana: Okay, I know you’re going to be intimidated by this.
Gretchen: I've yelled at the president before -
Carol: Who hasn’t?
Gretchen: Good point, she’s the only politician more inept than I am, at least according to Twitter.
Susana: You can call up the Blue Hawks and see if you can talk to someone in charge. If you can get their subsidies back, maybe they’ll stay.
Gretchen: That’s not a bad idea. First I’d have to call Hank again though and that’s going to be miserable.
Carol: I’ll do it.
Gretchen: No, I have to. He won’t listen if it’s not me calling.
Carol: Okay. Good luck then, I guess.
Gretchen calls Hank.
Hank: Governor Raymond, for what do I have the pleasure of speaking with you today?
Gretchen: Why did you cut the subsidies for the Blue Hawks? And why did you try to sneak it past me?
Hank: Somehow I knew this was coming.
Gretchen: You knew because you’re a sneak and it came back around on you now! But really, it's just reflecting on me so you don’t care.
Hank: Is that all you were calling about? To complain? I have more important things to do today than childish drama.
Gretchen: No, I’m actually trying to govern. I’m calling to ask you to give the Blue Hawks their subsidies back so I can try to convince them to stay in Rhode Island.
Hank: Why do you keep asking me for things and expecting me to just bend over at your every whim?
Gretchen: I actually care about this state. You and all of these other politicians are just doing what’s politically expedient. Unfortunately, that means framing and sabotaging me.
Hank: It’s politics. It’s dirty. It’s not fair. You’ve been in the game long enough to know that.
Gretchen: It doesn’t have to be that way! Can we not just do something beneficial for our state’s economy?
Hank: Uh… no. Not unless you’re willing to give up your roads.
Gretchen: Why do you hate roads so much? Did a road kill your entire family?
Hank: I hate waste.
Gretchen: Infrastructure is not waste!
Hank: Agree to disagree.
Gretchen: Is there any reason you want to make my life more difficult than it has to be?
Hank: Gretchen, you know why.
Gretchen: You want me recalled, obviously.
Hank: Yes, I want to be governor. I want to be anything other than a lifetime state representative.
Gretchen: Hank, I ran against you for the US Senate in 2004 and beat you. I’m sorry that happened to you but you don’t need to try to take my job from me as some sort of twisted revenge. Now, I’ll say this one time and one time only. Give the Blue Hawks their subsidies again or I’m going to take you through the mud with me and make sure you’re never the governor. Them leaving Rhode Island will seal the fate of more than one of us.
Hank: I’ll see what I can do.
Gretchen: Thank you, Hank. Always a gentleman!
Gretchen hangs up and calls Carol and Susana in.
Gretchen: It’s a go, girls!
Susana: That’s great news! Now to call the Blue Hawks.
Gretchen: It’s almost lunchtime…
Carol: Gretchen, be serious. You just threatened the Speaker of the Rhode Island House over this.
Gretchen: Wait, you heard that?
Carol: I may have been listening on the other line.
Gretchen: I thought I heard shallow breathing. And a cough.
Carol: Dammit Susana.
Susana: I’m sorry I put a damper on your spying.
Gretchen: Susana, would you call the Blue Hawks? I almost feel as if it would be too desperate for me to be the one to call.
Carol: But you are desperate.
Susana: They don’t need to know that, mom. I’d be honored to make the call, Madam Governor.
Gretchen: Thank you. I’d appreciate it if you could be equally supportive, Carol.
At Gretchen’s home that night…
Gretchen: Big news everyone!
Lucinda: Your approval rating went about 30%?
Gretchen: That was low.
Lucinda: Just like your approval ratings.
Gretchen: I get enough crap from everyone else on the planet, I’d really appreciate not getting it at home as well. Maybe just for a day.
Anthony: Lucinda, if you keep upsetting Gretchen like this, you’re not going to be allowed to stay with us anymore.
Lucinda: Gretchen, stand up for me.
Gretchen: You never stand up for me, but I’ll do it for you. Anthony, as much as I appreciate you defending my honor, we’re not kicking my mother out. It’s only been two years since my dad died, I can’t throw her out of the house before she’s ready to be on her own.
Anthony: What about putting her in a home?
Gretchen: No. Not now. I can’t do that to those poor nurses.
Christina: Mom, as much as I love talking about putting grandma in a home, what was your big news?
Gretchen: Oh! Right! I was able to convince Speaker Matthews to give the Blue Hawks their subsidies back.
Anthony: How did you get that one done?
Gretchen: I threatened him.
Lucinda: I have never been more proud of you, Gretchen!
Gretchen: That’s like the second time you’ve said that this month. Are you dying?
Christina: We’re all dying in a way.
Lucinda: That was very deep.
Anthony: How exactly did you threaten him? Am I gonna have to start bringing Toby into prison to see his mommy behind a glass pane?
Gretchen: No! I didn’t threaten his life.
Lucinda: I’m a little less proud.
Gretchen: I threatened him politically. I said if I go down for this, so does he. I’m not afraid to get petty and nasty, not when everyone is out to get me in this godforsaken town.
Anthony: What does this mean for the Blue Hawks? Are they staying in town now?
Gretchen: Well I don’t know. Susana called them up and I’m going to have a meeting with their CEO on Thursday. I think there’s a real chance we can convince them to stay with them having their subsidies back now.
Anthony: I think we should celebrate. How about a champagne toast to your hugely successful day at work, Gretchen?
Toby: Can I have some?
Christina: Obviously not, dweeb. You’re thirteen! He is thirteen, right?
Anthony: Close enough. You’re not getting any, Toby. You can have some sparkling juice.
Gretchen: How about we just save the celebration entirely until Thursday?
Anthony: Fine by me.
Lucinda: As much as I’d love a drink, that’s a good idea. It is Gretchen we’re talking about, she can drop the ball even if she is only a foot away from a touchdown.
The next morning, outside the capitol building…
Gretchen: Sam! I need to talk to you about something.
Samantha: This is the second time in a week that you’ve requested a one-on-one conversation.
Gretchen: That last time was just me asking what you wanted from Starbuck’s because I was trying to be nice.
Samantha: I have a bad feeling that this time isn’t like that.
Gretchen: It’s not. I wanted to ask you about the Blue Hawks situation.
Samantha: What about it? Are you being recalled over that too?
Gretchen: No! You can’t be recalled for two different things, they’ll just add that to the original petition.
Samantha: Then what did you want to ask about?
Gretchen: I wanted to ask if you knew anything about Hank stripping the subsidies from them.
Samantha: Yes, I read the finalized plan from the assembly if that’s what you’re asking.
Gretchen: Why didn’t you tell me about it?
Samantha: I don’t like you.
Gretchen: Oh. Sometimes I forget because our relationship is usually so sunshiny and happy.
Samantha: I don’t appreciate the sarcasm right now. Rhode Island is headed into a crisis.
Gretchen: Why do you say that? It’s not any more screwed up than usual.
Samantha: Do you even watch the news?
Gretchen: Not always. My family doesn’t like it.
Samantha: And you wonder why nobody likes you. You have to stay informed!
Gretchen: What happened?
Samantha: Leader Riverro went on TV last night and announced that he was supporting the effort to recall you.
Gretchen: She did what?
Samantha: I know. I hate you and even I would never do that.
Gretchen: That means a lot to me.
Samantha: I just realized. I’m helping you a lot lately. I’m giving you so much information. I have to stop doing this.
Gretchen: You’ve actually helped me more than my Chief of Staff Carol has lately.
Samantha: That doesn’t seem particularly difficult. I’ve got more competent people getting me coffee. Which is why I didn’t need that Starbucks you offered me last week.
Carol: Was my name said? I’m sorry I’m late, Gretchen. I was getting Starbucks.
Gretchen: No, no one said your name. I think Susana’s in there waiting for you.
Carol: She is? Oh, darn it. My perfect streak of getting here before her is broken!
Later that night, Gretchen returns home and is bombarded by her entire family.
Christina: Mom! Why didn’t you answer my calls!
Anthony: I was worried you did something silly again.
Lucinda: I was worried you did something dumb as hell. It’s not rare for you.
Gretchen: What are you all so upset about?
Christina: Grandma saw on Facebook that Jeanne Riverro wants you recalled.
Gretchen: Oh. What were you so worried about?
Christina: We theorized that maybe you potentially went to speak to her and threatened her too.
Gretchen: I didn’t! I called her office to complain but she wasn’t in so I let it go.
Anthony: Thankfully. You keep telling us about threatening people. It’s hard to keep track of it.
Gretchen: Don’t worry, things will be okay. Everything turns around tomorrow when I get the Blue Hawks to stay in Rhode Island!
Lucinda: That’s tomorrow? You better get to bed. You have to be on top of your game tomorrow. We all know how often you aren’t.
Gretchen: It’s six-thirty. I’ll get to bed early but not that early.
Christina: Yeah grandma! Wheel isn’t even on yet!
Lucinda: That’s a mistake.
Gretchen: Oh, how I love to hear those words come out of your mouth.
The next day, at the Blue Hawks headquarters…
Susana: Governor Raymond, I’m so glad you asked me to come with you.
Gretchen: I wouldn’t be here without you. You gave me the idea to do this, after all. Heck, I might need you to step in and help me out during the meeting too. I could always use someone to keep me on track. Apparently, I’m somewhat incompetent.
Susana: I don’t think you’re incompetent.
Gretchen: Could you tell my mother that?
Secretary: Governor Raymond, Mr. Siemens is ready for you.
Gretchen: Thank you…
Gretchen looks around for the secretary’s name.
Gretchen: …madam secretary.
Gretchen and Susana enter the office of Blue Hawks CEO Nate Siemens.
Nate: Governor Raymond, welcome!
Gretchen: Oh my, hello Mr. Siemens.
Nate: Call me Nate.
Gretchen: Well, you call me Gretchen.
Nate: So Gretchen, I heard you had a proposal for me.
Gretchen: Sure do!
Nate: Let me hear it! Your assistant sure did hype it up.
Gretchen: Well, hopefully not too much.
Susana: I did my best.
Gretchen: Alright Nate, I know you’re planning to move the Blue Hawks out of Rhode Island.
Nate: I don’t want to, but the tax increase combined with losing our subsidies means I don’t have much of a choice.
Gretchen: I know, I know. That’s terrible. This would cost so many Rhode Islanders jobs and tank our state economy. You were born and raised here, you got to know my dad when he was State Treasurer.
Nate: And after all that, I still don’t know what a State Treasurer even does.
Susana: They’re the state’s head banker. They manage money!
Gretchen: Thank you, Susana Webster. My dad always said that he treasured the state. That was a joke but he did treasure it in a different way, as do you and I. We love this state and don’t want to see the Blue Hawks leave.
Nate: I know you’re trying to get me to keep the team here but I can’t and you know it. It’s because of your economic plan, Gretchen.
Gretchen: I know, and I’m sorry. That’s why I talked to my close friend, the Speaker of the House. Speaker Matthews and I were able to work out a plan to keep one hundred percent of subsidies for the Blue Hawks in place.
Nate: That’s wonderful! I really do appreciate that you want the Hawks to stay here so badly, but Michigan gave us such a great offer after they heard we were departing Rhode Island, I don’t think we could pass it up. We’re gonna be moving to Mackinac Island. They’ll call us the Mac Hawks.
Gretchen: F***ing Gina! What’s their offer?
Nate: Five percent more in subsidies.
Gretchen: I’ll match it.
Nate: Can you do that?
Susana: Yeah, can you?
Gretchen: Yes, I can. So what do you say, Nate? Are you staying in Lil’ Rhody? My only condition is that if you take the offer, I get to throw out the first pitch at the next game.
Nate: I’ll have to talk it over with my legal advisors, but I think you have a deal!
Gretchen: That is truly the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard.
Ten minutes later, Gretchen and Susana leave the Blue Hawks headquarters and get back in the car.
Gretchen: That went so well!
Susana: It did. But, did you and Speaker Matthews agree to a boost in subsidies?
Gretchen: No. But, screw him.
Susana: I don’t know if this will turn out well.
Gretchen: Hank knows I’ll ruin him too if the Hawks leave Rhode Island. He’ll agree to it.
Susana: Okay, if you say so.
That night, when Gretchen returns home…
Gretchen: I’m home! Not bragging but I kinda saved Rhode Island today.
Anthony: It went well?
Gretchen: The Blue Hawks are staying put!
Lucinda: Wow, you didn’t screw up! Good job, kid!
Gretchen: Even a backhanded compliment is nice coming from you.
Lucinda: I try to be as nice as I can.
Gretchen: I left the meeting around eleven, by two he already called to confirm they were staying. Suck it, Michigan!
Christina: What did Michigan do?
Gretchen: They wanted the Blue Hawks to themselves. I stopped them. I’m also throwing out the first pitch at Sunday’s game, so this should help with my approval rating.
Lucinda: Do you get credit for solving a crisis you started?
Gretchen: Obviously, yes. Politics is all about optics. Now if you excuse me, I have to go pick out a business casual outfit to wear on Sunday. I can’t look too sloppy of that’s all the media will focus on, instead of my massive victory.
Anthony: Oh look, Speaker Matthews is on TV! I wonder what he’s saying. Probably talking about how you saved our state!
Gretchen: Turn it off. Just, turn it off.
Lucinda: What did you do now?
Gretchen: Nothing!
Christina: Mom, whenever you say that it just worries us more.
Gretchen: I had to promise to give the Blue Hawks higher subsidies than they had before. Speaker Matthews got annoyed and called me when he found out, which was somehow like a half-hour after I left the meeting, and I had to sign an executive order just to get it done. So now he hates me even more.
Lucinda: I knew you would find some way to screw it up!

What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below, and be back for a new episode next week!

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