CATHERINE, the youngest of FRAN and BRIAN’s three children, breaks a brief silence.
CATHERINE
So are we gonna get this thing going or what?
FRAN, the matriarch of the family, walks in with a jug of coffee. BRIAN, FRAN’s husband, holds out his coffee mug for it to be filled. FRAN instead drinks straight from the jug, intending to drink it all herself. She takes a sip and responds.
FRAN
When everyone is ready, then we’ll start.
JOSH, FRAN’s second son, raises his hand. ANDREW, his husband, gives him a weird look.
FRAN
Josh, why are you raising your hand?
ANDREW
I was just about to say the same thing.
JOSH
Can I say something?
BRIAN
I’m listening.
JOSH
Why is this always the place for the reunions?
FRAN
Oh Josh, it just happened that way.
WILLIAM, ex-husband of CATHERINE, interjects.
WILLIAM
I have to disagree there. Daisy and Britney are both pregnant, we couldn’t have just done it at my house?
DAISY, WILLIAM’s fiancee, looks up from her phone.
DAISY
Does it really matter?
BRITNEY
Yeah Dad, our babies have to get used to flying.
BRITNEY looks down to her stomach, which has a visible baby bump.
BRITNEY
Isn’t that right little guy?
BRITNEY 2
How many times do I have to tell you that first off, it can’t hear you, and second, you don’t know if it’s a guy or a girl.
BRITNEY
Excuse me sister, but we do know it’s a guy.
BRITNEY 2
I thought you said you weren’t going to ask the doctor for its gender?
STEVE, BRITNEY’s fiancee, answers.
STEVE
It’s a guy. I just have a way of knowing this kind of stuff.
BRITNEY 2
Oh, so you just want it to be a guy?
DAVID, the eldest child of FRAN and BRIAN, chimes in.
DAVID
I think it would be nice if the kid’s a guy, it would counter our girl.
DAVID’s three sons, CHRIS, JULIAN, and DREW all smile.
CHRIS
I’m not gonna lie to you dad, but we kind of forgot Mom was pregnant.
JULIAN
Yeah, figured it wouldn’t even matter though given you ditched us.
DREW
I knew you would come back.
MARY, DAVID’s wife, responds.
MARY
No you didn’t.
DREW
How do you know?
MARY
That’s besides the point. The point is—
CATHERINE, looking exasperated
Can something just happen already?
NATE, CATHERINE’s fiancee, looks at her and smiles.
NATE
Do you seriously not know what’s going on?
CATHERINE
No, and I’m proud of that. It’s one of my best qualities.
BRIAN
I don’t know about best...
FRAN
Brian! We’re supposed to encourage our kids so they can grow up and become responsible adults!
BRITNEY 2
That didn’t happen.
FRAN
So everyone, Brian and I have news.
Everyone pauses, waiting for FRAN to continue.
BRIAN
Are you all gonna just sit there or will someone ask her what the news is?
ANDREW
You don’t know the news?
BRIAN
I do. I think.
JOSH rolls his eyes
JOSH
OK Mom, what?
FRAN
Your Dad and I are happy with where we are right now.
DAVID
Don’t even tell me we’re all here just because of that.
BRITNEY
Yeah, I have a kid on the way and I promised him that he’d be born in Idaho. Last time I checked we’re in North Carolina. And I know I’m right because I just checked a few minutes ago.
FRAN
You didn’t let me finish. I wanted us all to get together because of the advancements going on in life. With some weddings and babies on the way in a fashion that is making this family tree so confusing, I decided I want all the weddings to be done here. Today. Right now.
DAVID
Mom, we all agreed on this already.
FRAN
I know, but I have to be in control on what goes on in my house.
ANDREW
It’s true everyone, take it from me, she does.
WYATT, the adopted son of ANDREW and JOSH, laughs silently in agreement.
MARY
How is this all working anyways? All at a time or one by one?
WILLIAM
What’s it matter to you, we’re not getting married.
MARY
You’re lucky we still are married, don’t ruin it.
WYATT
Is that what all the chairs are set up for outside?
JOSH
What chairs outside?
JOSH looks out the window.
JOSH
Oh, yeah, that was definitely your Grandma.
BRIAN
Actually that was me.
CATHERINE
Dad, you put out all those chairs?
BRIAN
Huh? No. I cut the lawn last week.
FRAN
Everyone, follow me outside. We’re doing a triple wedding!
Everyone follows FRAN outside and sits in a chair.
JOSH
Mom, where did you even get all these chairs?
FRAN
I got them from somewhere.
ANDREW
These look like the chairs in the waiting room in that pediatrician’s office. Don’t even tell me...
FRAN
So what, I borrowed them, I’ll bring them back if they ask for them.
BRITNEY
Can we do this wedding before my little guy comes out of my belly?
BRITNEY 2 shakes her head in shame.
WILLIAM
Who’s up first?
CATHERINE
I think it should be me and Britney because we’re the only two blood relatives getting married.
FRAN walks on the grass and appears in front of everyone.
FRAN
Alright, Catherine and Britney, come on up.
CATHERINE, BRITNEY, NATE, and STEVE all approach FRAN.
FRAN
Sorry guys, I only asked for Catherine and Britney.
STEVE
I think we have a right to be up there too given we’re the husbands.
WILLIAM
And what about me and Daisy? Don’t we get to be a part of this?
FRAN
Hold on everyone! Don’t ruin this moment!
FRAN turns to CATHERINE.
FRAN
Catherine, do you take Nate to be your loftly wedded husband?
CATHERINE
Yeah. And it’s lawfully.
FRAN
Britney, do you take...uh...
BRITNEY
Steve.
FRAN
Do you take Steve to be your loftly wedded husband?
DAVID
Again Mom, lawfully!
BRITNEY
Sorry what was the question?
BRITNEY 2
Just say I do, Britney!
BRITNEY
I do Britney.
DAISY
And I take William to be my husband. That’s okay with you William, right?
WILLIAM
Oh it’s more than okay with me.
FRAN
Then in the power not invested in me I declare you married!
NATE
Don’t we get a chance to say no?
CATHERINE
Wait...you don’t want to marry me?
NATE
Of course I do! That was one odd wedding we just had though.
FRAN
This is not the time or place to decide to not get married. When my daughter and her daughter want to get married, they will.
WILL
Yeah about will, I still feel like you’re jipping me and Daisy.
BRIAN
She is.
FRAN
I can’t believe it! Six people just got married! How did that happen?!
CATHERINE
I don’t think any of us are officially married yet but yeah, wow!
Everyone looks around at one another. CHRIS and BRITNEY lock eyes. BRITNEY 2 softly kicks BRITNEY.
CHRIS
I would just like to say one thing: does this mean Aunt Catherine’s mom blog is going to turn into a family mom blog?
DAVID laughs.
DAVID
Chris, Aunt’s Catherine’s blog is Aunt Catherine’s blog.
CATHERINE
Actually...
MARY
What?
CATHERINE
I don’t know if I should say it...
NATE
I think you should.
CATHERINE
OK...I think we should all join in on this blog. There are so many baby pictures on the way. I’m out of material on my kids and Mary is with hers too.
MARY
Yeah no offense Chris and Julian, but there wasn’t a ton of material there.
DREW
Did even you forget I exist?
MARY
Oh hey Drew! Didn’t see you there.
DREW
I’m just gonna say it: what if Shut This Off You Idiot pairs up with this blog?
DAVID
Drew! That’s not a nice thing to say!
CATHERINE
Where have you been David, even I know about that show.
JULIAN
It’s a long story, but basically Chris messed something up, I got mad at him, people on the Internet made a whole thing out of it, and now we’re trying to make it into a show.
NATE
Didn’t we already agree you can do the show on the blog?
JULIAN
Yeah but that was when it was Catherine’s Mom Blog. Now it’s something more than that.
MARY
Let’s give it a try. What do we have to lose?
SIX MONTHS LATER
CATHERINE has started a video call with the rest of the family. They all give updates. Catherine’s Mom Blog has turned into Catherine and Family’s Mom Blog. Shut This Off You Idiot has become a huge success for the blog. WILLIAM and DAVID have both quit their low-satisfaction working-class jobs to focus on the blog, which has become a monetary success. DAISY has given birth to a girl, as has BRITNEY. CATHERINE has given birth to a boy. BRITNEY 2 is about to go to college on a scholarship for biochemical engineering. Once the call nears its close, some final remarks are said.
CATHERINE
Well everyone, we’re finally doing a family reunion apart. But it still feels like we’re together.
JOSH
Even though it’s nice you’re all finally back home and not cramped into where I’m living, it does feel good to chat with the family.
DAVID
The kids are finally growing up too.
FRAN
This really is great everyone. I used to think we were screwed. Now, even though we’re in all different parts of the country, we’re finally together.