Kurt: long-term reliever
Lorenzo: middle relief pitcher
Jason: left-handed specialist
Robert: 8th inning pitcher/setup man
Bryan: closer
Eli: various relief positions
Garry: Bullpen coach
[Scene: The Bullpen]
Garry: Thanks everyone for meeting me here at the bullpen on such quick notice. I have something important to talk about.
Bryan: We’re gonna get to meet the guys who play on our team?
Lorenzo: They’re gonna stop selling cotton candy?
Jason: You’re taking me off your fantasy team?
Garry: No...something more important. Ownership called, they’re making renovations to the stadium. If we want any improvements to this place, we have to order now.
Robert: How about a big tent? That way only we can see ourselves. No risk of getting put on the giant outfield screen for everyone to boo us.
Jason: We asked for that last year, they said no.
Robert: But did they?
Jason: Yes Robert. Yes.
Robert: What if we convince them they didn’t?
Garry: You realize they’re not stupid, right Robert? If they were they’d petition to get you guys in more games. Or any games, I should say.
Lorenzo: OK I can’t think of anything, I’m leaving. [exits]
Garry: Thanks for your time! I know two minutes is a big time commitment for you!
Lorenzo: Thanks for understanding coach.
Garry: So what is it you have to do now?
Lorenzo: Something.
Garry: Oh great excuse there.
Eli [enters]: Sorry I’m late coach, was just practicing my pitching.
Jason: Why?
Eli: I like to pretend I’m a pitcher sometimes. All I really do is sit on an uncomfortable bench.
Bryan: And we have our renovation petition, everybody!
Eli: Huh?
Garry: Ownership wants to make an upgrade to its bullpens and asked us if there’s anything we wanted.
Eli: Oh. Yeah. Definitively new bench.
Jason: Voice activated.
Bryan: And why would we need that?
Jason: It’s cool.
[Cut to meeting with Garry and owners Mike and Sally]
Mike: So Garry, as you know we love and respect your bullpen. We believe their role in the game is imperative to our team’s success.
Sally: Yes, we really do appreciate your style of making sure none of them want to go into the game. The Indianapolis Primitives has the best record in the league because of you.
Garry: Well it’s my honor to be their coach. Look, all I’m really here for is to tell you all the guys want a new bench.
Mike: And what’s wrong with the current one? It’s very standard for a bullpen bench.
Garry: Yes, but doesn’t the Indianapolis Primitives represent the future?
Sally (to Mike): Do we?
Mike (to Sally): Whatever the guy wants.
Sally: Yes, we do Garry, something that Mike and I have known since we started.
Garry: OK, so this new bench has to have a soft, blue cushion and be voice activated.
Sally: Why voice activated?
Garry: We spend 3 to 4 hours every day on that bench, it’s voice activated or I quit.
Mike: And what would you like this bench to recognize you saying?
Garry: FIGURE IT OUT! [storms out]
Sally (yelling to Garry): REQUEST DENIED!
[Cut back to bullpen]
Jason: So when is that bench being put in?
Garry: I may have yelled at them and stormed out. So...possibly never.
Jason: You’ve gotta be kidding me, we lost a bench because you didn’t know how to say “We want a bench, please?”.
Garry: I wasn’t used to talking to them.
Eli: Screw it, I’m going over there.
[Cut to Eli with Mike and Sally]
Mike: Excuse me but who are you?
Eli: I’m Eli, I’m a backup for the bullpen.
Mike: Get out.
Eli: I’m joking! You don’t remember me?
Mike: No...who are you again?
Eli: You don’t know who I am?
Mike: No.
Eli: You really don’t?
Sally: What do you want.
Eli: Well I personally do not want anything, though I have noticed that the people in the bullpen look very uncomfortable on that bench of theirs. Have you considered buying them a new one? Voice activated, maybe?
Sally: They do use that bench a lot...Yeah sure, I’ll think about it.
[Cut back to bullpen]
Eli: He’s gonna think about it!!!
Garry: He’s gonna “think about it”? Yeah he just wanted you out of his office.
Jason: I’m going in!
[Cut to Jason with Mike and Sally]
Jason: Hello James, hello Shirley, I’m
Mike: Get out.
Jason: OK
[Cut back to bullpen]
Jason: Talked to James and Shirley, they said—
Bryan: I’m going in. If anyone knows how to successfully finish something related to our team, it’s me.
Garry: Not the starting pitchers?
Bryan: Them too. But also me...once or twice...right?
Kurt: No.
Bryan: That all you gonna contribute today?
Kurt: Yeah.
[Cut to Bryan with Mike and Sally]
Bryan: OK I don’t know who you are and you don’t know who I am, so I’m just going to come out and say this: the bullpen needs a new bench.
Mike: Isn’t this getting tired? This whole “the bullpen needs a new bench” plot line is really getting drawn out at this point.
Sally: Right?
Mike: If I give you the bench will you all stop coming to our semi-deluxe office?
Bryan: This is the semi-deluxe one?
Sally: Yes, the deluxe one has four TVs, two bars, three
Mike: Not the point Sally. Have your bench, how much do you need?
Bryan: $20?
Mike: Here’s $2 million, knock yourself out bud.
[Cut back to bullpen]
Bryan: I just got ourselves $2 million dollars everyone. Time for that bench.
Eli: How are we going to spend $2 million dollars on a bench? Isn’t that a lot of money?
Garry: $2 million bench, here we come!