The Bullpen Season 1 Episode 10: If I Got Traded

Kurt: long-term reliever 
Lorenzo: middle relief pitcher
Jason: left-handed specialist
Robert: 8th inning pitcher/setup man
Bryan: closer
Eli: various relief positions
Garry: Bullpen coach

Jason: I wonder what it would be like if any of us got traded...obviously, losing me would be the biggest loss because
Robert: No way, I’d be the biggest loss.
Bryan: That’s not true at all, Lorenzo would be the biggest loss.
Lorenzo: You’re not going to fight for yourself?
Bryan: No why would I, we all know I’m not important.
Eli: You’re the closer.
Bryan: Am I though? They only put me in when we’re losing by a lot. They don’t even trust me with a 10-run lead anymore after the incident.
Garry: We shall never speak of the incident Bryan.
Lorenzo: Which one, the one where he gave up 9 runs and then walked off the field?
Jason: You all really know how to change the topic don’t you. I was saying I’d be the biggest loss because without me, who would play center bench?
Garry: I’m sure we could make a few adjustments.
Eli: Is my job in jeopardy coach?
Garry: No, you’ll remain right-center bench as long as you stay on the team.
Eli: I don’t know coach, I heard there are talks of them trading me.
Robert: Yeah Eli, I also heard they were looking for some more popcorn for the clubhouse.
Eli: That’s the rumor. I’d be honored to leave the team as part of that trade.
Lorenzo: How much popcorn are we talking?
Eli: I heard an unlimited supply.
Lorenzo: I’m in. Alright Eli how do we get you off the team?
Eli: You’d do that for me? Thanks Lorenzo!
Robert: Yeah, thanks Lorenzo for looking out for yourself.
Lorenzo: I take pride in it.
Robert: And as I was trying to say, I really do think I would be the biggest loss for this team. 
Jason: Because?
Robert: Why do I always need a reason for everything? Just because.
Garry: OK so that settles it, we could do without Robert, Bryan, and Lorenzo, and we have nothing to lose if they trade Eli.
Lorenzo: You really think you can make it an entire year without me? 
Garry: Is that a question? 
Lorenzo: Alright, let me take you through a scenario where I wasn’t there. This is how the 2019 bullpen would look like.
*Into Lorenzo’s scenario*
Eli: Wow, I really miss Lorenzo.
Kurt: Me too.
Garry: I do too.
Robert: Don’t we all?
Bryan: We do.
*End of Lorenzo’s scenario*
Garry: Wow Lorenzo, quite the story there.
Lorenzo: Thanks.
Jason: You realize I’m not that dramatic right?
Lorenzo: It’s just a story, who cares who says what?
Kurt: Can we all just agree that I’m the only person who would hurt the team if I left?
Garry: Nah.
Kurt: I get paid more money than everyone else.
Garry: OK, so you’re more expensive for doing the same thing everyone else does...and wait how do you make more?
Kurt: Negotiations and stuff.
Garry: OK doesn’t sound shady at all. 
Kurt: I may have threatened to come out with a memoir about how much we’re underfunded by the team.
Garry: We’re not underfunded by the team, we just don’t use what they gave us.
Kurt: And? We could get people to believe it.
Garry: So now we know if we want pay raises we just have to make up mini-scandals about our own team, got it.
Robert: Anyone have any ideas?
Jason: How about we say—
Garry: Do we not know how to stay on a topic for more than 10 seconds?
Bryan: Apparently not. I’m going to call up management right now, they’ll tell us what’s going on and we’ll settle who’s the most valuable person to the team.
*Pretends to dial number.*
Bryan: No one’s going to stop me?
Jason: You don’t know their number do you?
Bryan: You were supposed to all come to the conclusion that we’re all important in our own unique ways.
Garry: That’s a bunch of crap, you’re all benchwarmers and I have the easiest job in the world. One thing is for sure, you all are useless and won’t even pitch at all next season.
*Cut to Mike and Sally, the owners, in a conference room on a call*
Sally (on the phone): Pete! How’s our favorite General Manager doing?
Mike: So what are we thinking for offseason trades, Pete?
Pete: Well our starting pitchers are really good, but to keep some of them we would have to pay more money than we could afford. That’s why I’m going through with a plan of trading some of them for some prospects and using the guys in the bullpen a bit more.
Mike: Pete, with all due respect that sounds like a terrible idea to me.
Pete: I guess they’ll have their work cut out for them.

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