Kurt: long-term reliever
Lorenzo: middle relief pitcher
Jason: left-handed specialist
Robert: 8th inning pitcher/setup man
Bryan: closer
Eli: various relief positions
Garry: Bullpen coach
Garry: Thanks everyone for coming to my off-season cookout.
Robert: You made us come and it’s January. I don’t think my burger was ever warm.
Garry: Whatever. You know what’s next.
*blank stares*
Garry: Wiffle ball. Remember? I’ve told you every day for the last three weeks we were gonna play wiffle ball at the cook-out?
Lorenzo: I thought you said we were having waffle bowls.
Bryan: What the hell is a waffle bowl?
Lorenzo: I was here to find out.
Jason: I just pulled up the invite and it clearly says we were having waffle bowls.
Garry: Well we’re not having waffle bowls, we’re playing wiffle ball. Do any of you know how to do anything related to it?
Jason: I can be the dugout umpire.
Bryan: I can be the guy on the on-deck circle.
Lorenzo: I can pitch.
Garry: Those aren’t real positions and no you can’t.
Lorenzo: I already have the ball.
Garry: Fine. You, Jason, and Eli be a team. Kurt, Robert, and Bryan another team. I’ll do what I do best. *sits down*
Lorenzo: The Lorenzos are coming to beat Team 2!
Bryan: Are we really going to let him call us that?
Kurt: Whatever. As long as I can be Teammate 1.
*Lorenzo throws first pitch to Kurt, goes over his head*
Kurt: You trying to hit me?
Lorenzo: No...
Kurt: Try it again.
*Lorenzo throws second pitch straight to the ground*
Garry: That’s it. Everyone has to throw their own ball up in the air and hit it that way. Think you can manage that?
*Kurt throws pitch up in the air and gets a long hit*
Garry: Kurt...that was actually a good hit.
Kurt: Thanks coach, I’ve been going to batting cages.
Garry: Why...?
Kurt: The chance I have of going into most of our games as a batter is just as good as my chances of going in as a pitcher so why not?
Garry: True. Robert you’re up, surprise me.
*Robert hits a solid ground ball for a base hit*
Garry: Men on first and third with no outs. Looks like the Lorenzos do just as bad in the field as when they pitch.
*Bryan hits a fly ball to the fence in Garry’s backyard, Eli jumps over the fence to make the catch. Garry stares with his mouth wide open. Kurt and Robert both make good contact with the ball in their next at-bats, but Lorenzo and Jason make diving catches. Garry stares in shock.*
Garry: Guys you’re...actually good at everything except what you’re paid to do.
Jason: Rude. I think I sit on benches just fine.
Garry: I mean pitch.
Bryan: We’re the lowest-paid people in the entire league. The interns make more money than we do.
Garry: You still get paid and I’m trying to give you a compliment.
Lorenzo: What’d we do?
Eli: Yeah I could make those catches day and night.
Garry: Why are you guys even listed as pitchers? This all makes sense now! You only suck at pitching because you never actually wanted to be pitchers!
Bryan: Actually my lifelong dream was to be an 8th-inning reliever and I am so close to that dream right now.
Robert: Wanna switch?
Bryan: Sure.
Garry: Doesn’t work that way. But seriously...have any of you ever thought about trying to get scouted by a non-pitching division of a team?
Jason: It would be pretty cool to get on the field a bit more.
Kurt: Maybe we could go on one of those talent shows. We’d be the new Susan Boyles if we stuck to batting and fielding.
Lorenzo: Or singing.
Kurt: We’re not singing.
Garry: You’re not going on a talent show at all. I’m talking to Pete tomorrow about changing your positions.
*pause*
Robert: Who’s Pete?
Garry: I don’t know I figure someone on the team has to be named Pete.
Eli: Do you realize how good our team is though? There’s no way we’d get a spot.
Lorenzo: Maybe we could be understudies.
Garry: You mean benchwarmers?
Lorenzo: We do that already.
Garry: Different bench though.
Lorenzo: So no $2 million bench?
Garry: It’d be there, you just wouldn’t be sitting on it.
Lorenzo: Oh I’m sitting on that bench.
Garry: Then you have to stay in the bullpen.
Lorenzo: OK.
Jason: Yeah I’m with Lorenzo on this one, I’d kind of like the bench.
Eli: Good thinking Lorenzo.
Bryan: Plus, it’d be weird going over there. We’d be the new guys, they say it can be tough to make new friends.
Robert: How is nobody bringing up the fact we barely know the names of anyone on our own team?
Garry: OK so it’s settled, you’d all like to waste your potential because you’re comfortable where you are...literally.
Kurt: I’d kind of like to see a little change, actually. From this entire scene. I don’t know, maybe join a new team?
Garry: You want to get traded?
Kurt: I don’t know. But as I’ve said I’ve been taking batting practice and wasn’t very vocal about the new bench. Maybe it’s for the best I step away and start a new chapter.*long pause, then laughs* I’m kidding guys! Why would I ever want that when I can get paid to do what I’m doing right now?
Jason: Gets me thinking though...I wonder what it would be like if any of us got traded...
To be continued