Meredith is sitting on the backbenches of the House of Commons.
Speaker Liam Hardy: The Leader of the Opposition, Andrea Raydon!
Andrea: Mr. Speaker, thank you. First, I would like to welcome the Prime Minister to the chambers. I do admit, she has been a rare sight around here, so I congratulate her on finding her way here! Unfortunately, the British public can not afford to miss work nearly as much as our distinguished prime minster has, because the disastrous budget that she rammed through less than a week into her premiership has crashed our economy, caused rents to spike, and ruined the value of the pound. That’s not all, though! Our Prime Minister has also introduced a hateful bill to dehumanize and target members of the LGBT community, going so far as to ban Pride flags from being flown on government grounds. So with that I say, perhaps it’s a good thing for the nation that she only works two days a week! She wants to send migrants to Zimbabwe for some reason, and use our tax money to do it! The people of Britain deserve better, they demand better, and the sooner the Tory Party recognizes that an election is what the people are owed, as the honorable member for Chipping Barnet realized before she was ousted, the better.
Liam: The Prime Minster, Suanna Brackerton!
Suanna: Mr. Speaker, I thank the Leader of the Opposition for thinking I am so powerful to be able to single-handedly do all that she has credited me with! Expert economists have stated that this budget plan is already on track to turn around the economic turmoil caused by plans of my predecessors. Don’t laugh! Frankly, I wouldn’t expect Ms. Raydon to know that, she, nor anyone in Labour, has ever had any regard for a properly-balanced budget. Nonetheless, they sure feel qualified to criticize the hard work of people with actual experience in forming budgets. Why? Whining is the only thing they’re good at! They certainly have no idea how to govern!
Liam: Leader of the Opposition!
Andrea: Mr. Speaker, I see the Prime Minister has taken to ad hominem attacks rather than actually trying to defend what we all know is a disastrous series of bills that have done nothing but cause the people of this country misery and despair! How does someone whose approval rating has already dropped below fifteen percent actually stand up here and say anyone else doesn’t know how to govern! A trained seal could govern better than this Prime Minister! Actually, she did, her name was Meredith Trayman!
Liam: The Prime Minister!
Suanna: Mr. Speaker, resorting to fake, phony approval rating polls to try to delegitimize me is a new low, even for this Leader of the Opposition. The fact of the matter is, I have delivered more for British families in my first week than any other Prime Minister did in the comparative timetable. She says I brought misery and despair upon the nation, she has nothing to back this up besides her feelings, and she’s nothing but a partisan hack. Despite her own far-left views, the majority of the nation stands against the coalition of communism and their wokery, their attempts at redefining genders, at forcing our children to be gay, at - oh, don’t boo me, you know I’m right - stopping our government from legitimizing this sort of brainwashing. I stand for millions of Britons when I make my pledge to defend family values.
Liam: Leader of the Opposition!
Andrea: I’m not honestly sure how to respond to that ridiculousness. bit of casual bigotry from the Prime Minister, what a terrible shock! It’s so unlike her to display her ignorance so openly! Well, aside from every chance she opens her mouth. All I can say, to those at home who have been openly attacked by this Prime Minister, who really ought to be focusing on real crises instead of manufacturing them on her own, is that Labour has your back.
Liam: We’re opening the floor now for questions from members. Meredith Trayman!
Meredith: Well, I’d just like to speak out against my name being thrown about by both leaders. I’m out of office, why am I still being dragged through the bloody mud? Seems a bit unfair to me!
Meanwhile, at Buckingham Palace…
Christine: Claude, you look down.
Claude: Have you seen the state of the nation? Why is the Prime Minister on TV talking about Zimbabwe? Where is Zimbabwe? Is that part of us?
Eleanor: It’s in Africa, and at some time it was part of us, but no longer.
Claude: I thought with Trayman gone, things could finally calm down for this county. Instead, it’s become an even bigger disaster.
Claire: I thought it couldn’t possibly get worse than her. Little did I know, she was relatively restrained in her insanity.
Arthur: I hardly feel that Prime Minister Brackerton represents the majority of her party.
Claire: They elected her, and she makes Meredith Trayman look competent! She was deranged, of course, but didn’t want to ship migrants to some random place in Africa or ban Pride Month. This is just too much.
Claude: I’m actually frightened for the country. At some point, the people are going to revolt. ey much can they take?
Christine: This Prime Minister is such a disaster, she’s actually making me want that idiotic woman back.
Claire: I don’t think we need to go that far. What we really need is an election.
Claude: That’s clearly not happening for another two years, so hopefully the Prime Minister can com-
Mandy: The Prime Minister is here!
Christine: The real question is whether she’s right and the Prime Minister is actually here or if she just saw the ghost of Winston Churchill.
Suanna: Your Majesty, I am so terribly sorry for interrupting a family meeting, I just needed a small bit of your time and your advice.
Claude: It’s no trouble, I’m happy to give you any advice you need for the sake of the country. I don’t want to make them all leave, so let’s step into my study. Everyone, I will be right back.
Eleanor: That’s fine, Olivia’s branch of the family still isn’t here so we would’ve just stuck around waiting anyway.
Claude and Suanna walk into the study.
Claude: Madam Prime Minister, what brings you here?
Suanna: Did you see or hear anything from Parliament today?
Claude: I was watching a bit of the PMQs, I understand the gist of what was going on.
Suanna: The country is in turmoil. I don’t know what to do.
Claude: You were dealt a tricky hand, and you’ve only had seven days to deal with it. Give it some time before you force yourself to rethink all of your plans. That being said, the Zimbabwe strategy seems ill-advised.
Suanna: It’s a perfect plan to reduce illegal migration! I don’t see why everyone is so up in arms about it!
Claude: The county seems a bit unconvinced about its perfection. For your own sake, I’d recommend reassessing it. I’d lay up on the LGBT folk, too. They’ve suffered enough.
Suanna: Your majesty, you’re essentially suggesting I scrap my entire agenda.
Claude: I believe you should scrap whichever parts of the agenda aren’t in the interests of the nation. If they’re all against a measure you’re trying to implement, that’s not a fight worth fighting. I’ve seen prime ministers get ousted because they were too stubborn to put the country first, it’d be a tragedy if you joined them over silly culture wars.
Suanna: What am I to do if I end two of my key legislative achievements just after implementing them?
Claude: Be honest, state that you know they weren’t working and since you work for the citizens of this country, you scrapped them for their sake.
Suanna: They are working, though.
Claude: Madam Prime Minister, you asked for advice. You are under no obligation to take it, but I did offer it. I wish you well, but I do have several concerns and I know the public does as well.
Suanna: I appreciate the advice, sir. I will keep it in mind.
Claude: Are you going?
Suanna: Yes, I don’t want to take up any more of your time than need be.
Claude: Just remember, I’m here any time you need advice. I’ve found that the best way to help the nation is by working closely with the Prime Minister to find a solution for everyone.
Suanna: I look forward to doing so.
Suanna leaves, and Claude meets with the rest of the family.
Olivia: Ha, look who’s late now!
Claude: I had an unplanned meeting with the Prime Minister that I had to attend to. I was ready well before you arrived.
Olivia: Sure!
Eleanor: He was.
Olivia: Of course you cover for him, he was always the favorite!
Eleanor: That’s not true, Anthony is the favorite.
Ethan: Anthony? He’s never even around!
Eleanor: Exactly, my dear.
Olivia: I must say, I’m quite a fan of the new Prime Minister.
Claire: Excuse me?
Olivia: Not her politics, those are awful!
Claire: Then what are you a fan of?
Olivia: Well, she has a few key policies where I strongly agree with her. One, she is not Meredith Trayman. Two, I have not had to see Meredith Trayman since she took office. Those have directly improved my life, thank the lord for Suanna Brackerton.
Claire: This one is worse than Trayman. She was simple, this one is simply evil.
Arthur: hey, that’s not fair, this one’s pretty dumb too!
Claire: Yes, the economists - aside from that one expert of hers that she cites - would agree.
Todd: I think you’re all far too tough on Meredith!
Christine: You’re on a first-name basis with her?
Todd: She’s my girlfriend’s mother, of course I am!
Christine: That sickens me.
Ethan: Look on the bright side, everyone, we no longer have a conflict of interests where the Prime Minister’s daughter is dating a member of the Royal Family. That wasn’t a great look for us.
Claire: Suanna Brackerton’s not a great look for the country.
Ethan: No one said she was.
Claire: I’m just feeling very down about the future of the United Kingdom. We deserve better than the simpleton and the bigot.
Olivia: Brackerton is… admittedly not our finest Prime Minister. However, we have to celebrate our relief from the madness of Trayman! The county’s turning a new leaf, our family is finally free of a parasite!
Christine: Well, aside from said parasite potentially being your son’s mother-in-law in the future and, thus, being forever tethered to the family.
Gigi: We can’t dwell on what could happen, we need to just celebrate that for now, none of us have any reason to see her.
Ethan: You know what else the new PM has going for her? She doesn’t want to abolish the monarchy!
Olivia: See! I told you she was good for us!
Gigi: Surely we weren’t called in for the sake of discussing the merits of the Tories’ latest screwup?
Claude: Of course not! The President of France is visiting next week, preparations are underway but I wanted to discuss the responsibilities everyone has during the visit.
Gigi: I’m not a working royal, why do I have a responsibility?
Christine: You weren’t invited, you just showed up.
Claude: You are wanted here, though. We do consider you to be a part-time royal. You are a major part of our family.
Gigi: I’m touched.
Olivia: This is boring, can we make fun of the prime ministers again?
One week later…
Claude: Back again? Goodness.
Suanna: Your majesty, I’m sure you are aware of the turmoil of the last week.
Claude: Do you mean the collapse of the government? Yes, I’m fairly aware.
Suanna: I did my best. My pride got in the way, I dug in my heels, I thought things would get better. I was wrong. I was devastatingly wrong. I am terribly sorry for the shame I’ve brought up on the nation.
Claude: You don’t have to say that to me. You have to reassure the country. They deserve reassurance from their Prime Minister.
Suanna: For their sake, and even mine, I think it’s best that I don’t remain their Prime Minister.
Claude: Are you offering your resignation.
Suanna: I don’t think I have a choice. I’ve made so many errors. The party has turned on me, the public has turned on me, I have no mandate, no legitimate reason to remain. I have to go, this is a disaster. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.
Claude: There, there. It will be okay. Better days are ahead.
Suanna: Not for me! I’m finished!
Claude: You may feel that way, but this is going to be your low. I promise, you will get through this, and it will make you stronger.
Suanna: I guess I should go draft my resignation speech and inform the nation. I know I won’t be seeing you anymore, so I wanted to thank you for your kindness.
Claude: Kindness is free and there’s an infinite supply of it if you want there to be. Any Prime Minister deserves a friendly face to come to for advice. It’s been my pleasure.
Suanna: I’ll be going, then.
Suanna departs, as Christine, Eleanor and Claire rush in.
Christine: What was that all about?
Claude: Once again, we are without a Prime Minister.
Claire: We haven’t really had one in several years, if we’re being honest.
Eleanor: The Prime Minister resigned?
Claude: She sure did.
Eleanor: My god, Claude, if they keep this up, you’re going to surpass my record of having the most PMs to serve during my reign.
Claude: Just think, the Tories have to pick a new one now, and then they are certain to lose that next election, so I’ll have two more. Five Prime Ministers in as many years!
Christine: Darling, I’m starting to think you may be the reason for our political instability.
Eleanor: I think they were all too afraid to come to me and tell me they were resigning. Claude, you need to begin ruling with an iron fist.
Mandy: What’s going on? Who was that woman that just walked outside? Is that an intruder?
Eleanor: We need to get you back to bed!
Christine: I see she’s having one of those “bad days” we always talk about.
Later that night…
Fred: Olivia! Did you hear the news?
Olivia: What news?
Fred: What were you doing all day? You didn’t see anyone that told you major news about the future of the nation?
Olivia: No, I was very busy. No time for small talk.
Fred: The Prime Minister resigned.
Olivia: You’re kidding!
Fred: Yeah, it was going so well, what with the economic collapse and all the protests and the attempted arson attack on Downing Street. Larry could’ve been killed!
Olivia: She was a terrible prime minister, but she’s also ridiculously stubborn. I can’t believe she went without a fight.
Fred: Her entire premiership was a fight! She had resistance from the start, from all angles. It’s no wonder it all came crashing down in such disastrous fashion.
Olivia: I never even got to meet this one, she was gone in such a flash. She was awful but she at least kept us from having to deal with -
There is a knock at the door.
Fred: Who could that be?
Olivia: Surely it’s Gigi with the news.
Olivia swings the door open.
Meredith: Your Royal Highness! Livie! Oh, how good to see you again!
Olivia: Pinch me, I must be dreaming.
Fred: This is surely no dream.
Olivia: Meredith, what brings you here at his hour?
Meredith: I would’ve swung by earlier, but you weren’t home! I asked Todd to give me a ring when he saw you arrived.
Olivia: So I’ve ben watched? Lovely!
Meredith: I just needed to see you. I wanted to share something with you, get some advice.
Olivia: What about?
Meredith: I’m sure you’ve heard the Prime Minister’s resign.
Olivia: Whatever you’re about to ask, no! The answer is no!
Meredith: I didn’t even -
Fred: You’re not changing her mind.
Olivia: Are you asking me if you should run for Prime Minister again?
Meredith: Yes, actually!
Olivia: Do not do that.
Meredith: But why?
Olivia: Meredith, look what they did to you last time.
Meredith: They’ve changed!
Olivia: It was two weeks ago!
Meredith: It will be fine! I trust them, I believe they won’t hurt me again.
Fred: Why would you believe that?
Meredith: I’ve had several members reach out and tell me it was wrong for the party to force me out. They see where they erred, they’re ready to unite the party again.
Olivia: How many of them? They might be tricking you, they’re a nasty lot.
Meredith: Several senior members. The field won’t be cleared for me, I’ll have to fight, but I’ve got a chance. It’s just a lot of stress to put myself and my family through.
Olivia: Yeah, I would assume so, you’ve done so much moving in the last few weeks already, now another one perhaps? Seems like a lot.
Meredith: We don’t mind. I do respect your advice, though, so do you think I should run?
Olivia: I’m just afraid they will publicly humiliate you again. They might dangle this in front of your face just to steal it back away. I wouldn’t run if I were you.
Meredith: Well, I have a lot to think about. I need to make a decision by tomorrow morning, this election is happening very quickly.
Olivia: For your sake, I’d just stay out of it. But it’s your choice.
Meredith: I truly do appreciate your advice. I’ll keep it in mind.
Olivia: I’m happy to help.
Meredith gets up and leaves.
Olivia: Wow, that was close.
Fred: You really think she’s going to listen?
Olivia: I’m pretty much god to her, she won’t run if I tell her not to.
Fred: I hope you’re right, these little visits have to stop.
Olivia: We need to move back to the country.
One week later, Olivia is on the phone with Elsa.
Elsa: So how’s the book coming along? Last time we spoke, you were about to write about the kidnapping attempt. I can’t wait to read all about that one.
Olivia: Oh, that was crazy. It’s been taking a while to write. Quite traumatic, as I’m sure you’ed understand. I only have a few more pages in that chapter, though, then I’ll send it off to you.
Elsa: That’s find, there’s no rush. I want an honest, genuine story, not something rushed for the sake of getting it released.
Olivia: I’ve been so distracted lately, too. This country is in turmoil.
Elsa: I can relate to that. Look at my country.
Olivia: I’d rather not.
Olivia is getting another call.
Olivia: Elsa, I’m so sorry, I’m getting another call and I barely know how to use this phone, so I’ve got to hang up. I will call you back.
Elsa: That’s fine, I just wanted to check in anyway. You deal with whatever’s going on there.
Olivia: Thank you! Talk soon!
Olivia answers the call.
Gigi: Mother!
Olivia: What?
Gigi: It’s over. Family meeting at Buckingham right now. Uncle Claude’s been trying to get ahold of you but he couldn’t.
Olivia: What’s over?
Gigi: The Conservative leadership race. She’s back.
Olivia: Oh my god, no! I didn’t even know she ran!
Gigi: Do you keep track of what’s happening in this country at all?
Olivia: I try my best not to!
Gigi: That’s a good idea, actually.
At Buckingham Palace…
Claude: All right, we’re all here. Are the doors locked?
Arthur: Why do we need to lock the doors?
Claude: The prime ministers have a tendency to just pop in unannounced lately, especially Trayman.
Claire: I can’t believe she’s back.
Eleanor: If the BBC is to be believed, she was brought back after promising to delay an election until the latest possible moment, to give the party time to rebound.
Claire: How do they expect to rebound with her?
Gigi: She’ll probably have to resign in a month anyway.
Christine: You give her a whole month?
Ethan: They’ll take one look at her approval ratings and toss her back out.
Claire: I’d like to believe that, but I find it hard to imagine they’re any worse than Brackerton’s. She’s sitting comfortably at, what, 5%?
Ethan: We really may be stuck with her.
Arthur: Look on the bright side, everyone! We got rid of an absolute disaster, and replaced her with someone slightly less dangerous. It’s called harm reduction.
Eleanor: Besides, it’s not like she’s got the popularity or the power to abolish the monarchy. That was the reason we detested her to start.
Olivia: Yes, but then we got to know her and also came to hate her personality! It’s a lose-lose for us.
One week later…
Claude: Oh my lord…
Christine: What’s the matter, dear?
Claude: I just spoke with the prime minister. Her net approval rating isn’t in the negatives anymore! The Tories are up ten points in the polls from a week ago! We’re never getting rid of her!
Christine: Things can only get better.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
