Olivia walks into Buckingham Palace.
Eleanor: Christine, she's here!
Olivia: What is this about? Usually it’s Claude forcing me down here, not the grand high bitch.
Eleanor: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.
Christine: I heard it!
Olivia: Oh, you weren’t supposed to!
Christine: I do not believe that makes it better.
Olivia: I am aware, I simply thought you should know that it was meant to be said in private. It was in jest, regardless.
Christine: Speaking of jest, that’s why I asked you here.
Olivia: Are you implying I’m your court jester?
Christine: Close enough.
Olivia: No, the closest thing you have to a court jester is the prime minister!
Christine: Well, I have no desire to see her right now.
Olivia: No one does!
Eleanor: Her poll numbers -
Olivia: Those are fake, they must be!
Christine: Anyhow, I asked you down here to help me with Claude’s birthday celebration.
Olivia: No one threw me a birthday!
Eleanor: Dear, your seventieth birthday party was a national affair, even though you insisted you didn’t want it.
Olivia: I didn’t!
Christine: Maybe I should have called in the prime minister.
Olivia: That is the most hurtful thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Christine: You just called me the “grand high bitch,” I don’t think I’d play the moral high ground if I were you.
Olivia: Get on with it, please.
Christine: All right, so I want you to help me play a birthday surprise for Claude.
Mandy: Does anyone know where the king is?
Christine: Eleanor, would you mind escorting her out of the room?
Mandy: Did I do something wrong
Eleanor: Did I?
Christine: I don’t want to talk about you-know-what when she’s in the room. She’ll forget it’s supposed to be a secret and tell Claude everything.
Eleanor: Claire! Are you here?
Claire: Yes, why?
Eleanor: Take Mandy to her room. Keep watch over her.
Claire: You want me to babysit a grown woman?
Eleanor: No, we want you to babysit an elderly woman who doesn’t have her proper mental faculties.
Claire: All right, fine. Mandy, let’s go to your room. You could use a nap.
Mandy: But I’m not tired!
Claire: Yes you are.
Mandy: Oh, all right.
Eleanor: Thank you!
Claire: You all owe me one.
Olivia: Okay, now that that’s been handled again… what do you need me to do for Claude’s birthday?
Christine: I want you and Eleanor to plan the party. You know who he’d want invited.
Olivia: You want us to plan the whole thing? What are you going to do?
Christine: That’s the kicker, you’re gonna love this! I’m going to surprise him with a standup roast comedy routine!
Olivia: Well in that case, you really should have called in the prime minister!
Christine: Do you not like my idea?
Olivia: Since when is Claude a jokester?
Christine: He loves a good laugh! We’re always watching comedies together.
Olivia: He’s my brother, I’ve known him my whole life -
Eleanor: Aside from those twenty years or so…
Olivia: We don’t talk about those! My point stands, though, I know Claude very well and he’s never struck me as an appreciator of the comedic arts.
Christine: He is. I know my husband very well, I know how he unwinds.
Olivia: No one needs to know that!
Christine: Get your mind out of the gutter!
Olivia: Okay, we will accept this claim that Claude is watching Ricky Gervais non-stop when we’re not around, but you’re far from a comedian yourself. It takes a lot of work to develop comedic timing.
Christine: Do you not believe in me? Are you implying I’m unfunny?
Olivia: I’m saying that you’re rigid and stiff and I’ve never heard you tell a joke in all the years I’ve known you.
Christine: Hey, Olivia?
Olivia: Yes?
Christine: You’re a nice person. See, just told a joke!
Olivia: Haha, very funny!
Christine: I thought so!
Olivia: Who is going to teach you about standup comedy?
Christine: I’m getting in contact with some very funny comedians. Midge, in fact, had a few connections.
Olivia: Why does my personal assistant have connections with comedians? Where did you people find her?
Christine: That’s not important.
Olivia: I think it’s important, she handles a lot of important dealings for me.
Christine: We found her in the media circuits. She is your press person as well, after all.
Eleanor: She worked for a show on the BBC. A comedy show.
Olivia: How did I not know this?
Christine: Do you ever talk to her?
Olivia: Not if I don’t have to.
Christine: That’s how you didn’t know. Anyhow, if. You two could please work together on planning the party while I work on my aspect of it, that’d be great.
Eleanor: Obviously, I’ll have to come to your apartment to plan it, since Claude is here most of the time. We can’t have him walking in on it.
Olivia: The entire party is a surprise? How do you do a surprise party for the King of the United Kingdom?
Eleanor: I believe in us, we can do it.
Olivia: Can we?
Eleanor: We’ll certainly try.
Olivia: How old even is Claude? Is this a milestone birthday or something? If it’s seventy-three or something of the sort, I see no sense in going through all of this trouble.
Christine: It’s his seventy-fifth birthday, I’d say that’s a big one.
Olivia: Wow, he’s older than I thought!
Eleanor: You forgot your own brother’s age?
Olivia: I’m old too, I’m forgetful!
Claire: All right, she’s down for her nap!
Christine: Ah, good, Claire’s here! You’re helping Olivia and Eleanor plan Claude’s surprise birthday party.
Claire: I am? I didn’t even realize it was his birthday!
Olivia: What a team you have assembled, your majesty.
Later, when Olivia returns home…
Fred: How was your meeting with Claude?
Olivia: Awful! For starters, it wasn’t even with Claude, it was with Christine!
Fred: What was that about?
Olivia: It’s Claude’s birthday soon, and I have to help plan the party. It’s sick.
Fred: Is that not just what family does?
Olivia: Not this family! We have people for that! I’m not a party planner, I like the simple life.
Fred: Look around you. Is this the simple lie?
Olivia: I didn’t decorate this apartment and you know that. This is far more ornate than I’d ever choose for myself.
Fred: That is fair, but I don’t see you complaining about it.
Olivia: I complain all the time!
Fred: True, just not about this.
Olivia: That’s all beside the point. I don’t want to do this!
Fred: Is it so bad?
Olivia: I have to work with my mother! And Claire, who admittedly is not so bad but she’s still too preppy for my taste.
Fred: I’ll help you!
Olivia: Ah, you heard Claire was joining in, of course you want to help.
Fred: She is, admittedly, my favorite member of your family. She’s always been nice to me.
Olivia: Everyone else has been… yes, I suppose you have a point. Mandy’s been great!
Fred: Mandy doesn’t know what room she’s in at any given moment!
Olivia: That’s what makes her great!
Fred: So, do I have your permission to help with the planning?
Olivia: Of course, it’s less work for me. I’ll even call in Gigi to help. Not Todd, that’s how the prime moron finds out we’re having a party.
Fred: I take it she’s not on the guest list?
Olivia: I will fight to the death to keep her off of it.
Fred: Bit extreme, no?
Olivia: My desire to not see Meredith Trayman is what guides my life.
Fred: She likes you! Which is weird, because the reason you all hate her is her opposition to the monarchy.
Olivia: No, we mostly hare her now because she embarrasses the country and she’s annoying. I forgot she was even against the monarchy, to be honest. I think they are some good reasons to oppose it, honestly. For example, I wouldn’t be throwing this party if the monarchy didn’t exist.
Fred: You’d still have a family, no?
Olivia: It doesn’t take a small team to plan the birthday of one everyday old man. This is not how it’s supposed to be. No other seventy-five year-old expects something like this.
Fred: What about Meryl Streep?
Olivia: Except for her.
Fred: Cher?
Olivia: No non-famous, non-rich seventy-five year-old. I say we just throw him a pizza party at the Domino’s down the block and call it a day!
Fred: Christine had to be setting this up for failure putting you in charge. She had to know this was coming.
Olivia: I don’t think she’s thinking clearly. You know she’s becoming a standup?
Fred: What? Like Jimmy Carr?
Olivia: Not quite as shite.
The next day…
Olivia: How does it take this long to choose the color of the invitations?
Eleanor: This is all very important, this birthday is a historical event!
Olivia: Historical event? It’s a birthday party! Millions of people have a birthday every day!
Eleanor: Not the King!
Olivia: All right, clearly we have different views on the level of importance we’re dealing with here.
Claire: All right, I’m making the decision. They’re gold.
Fred: I agree with Claire, gold is a nice touch.
Gigi: Finally, detente!
Olivia: I liked the -
Claire: No! The invitations will be gold, with silver lettering.
Gigi: We are talking about the colors gold and silver, right? We’re not sending out gold bars with silver etching?
Olivia: Of course not, we’re not senators from New Jersey!
Eleanor: Now for the guest list. Obviously, the entire family. Then there’s the prime minister, the leader of the opposition -
Olivia: No!
Eleanor: No what?
Olivia: The prime minister? Why would we want her there?
Eleanor: It’s the decent thing to do.
Claire: Because Andrea Raydon’s a good time, and it’d be awkward to only invite her, as much as I detest the dingbat.
Olivia: We want this to be a good party, do we not? Her presence will ensure that it will be terrible.
Eleanor: I am begging you to put this silly feud aside for the sake of throwing your brother a nice and enjoyable party.
Olivia: I’m trying to make it nice and enjoyable!
Gigi: Mum, give it a rest. The prime minister will be invited, we will all have to deal with it, end of story.
Olivia: Thank you for having my back, dear.
Gigi: I just listened to a half-hour of bickering over whether the invitation would be gold or blue, I’m not about to sit here for two hours debating about whether or not the prime minister gets to come. For the sake of upholding norms, she will be there. You’ve been outvoted.
Olivia: Oh, fine.
Fred: I thought you were going to fight to the death to keep her off the guest list!
Eleanor: That’s a bit extreme.
Claire: I respect it. It’s not productive, but hating her that much is admirable.
Olivia: Thank you! I am giving in though, for unity’s sake.
Eleanor: So, who else gets to come?
Olivia: How about you make the list, since you’ll get your way anyway. This part doesn’t need to be collaborative.
Claire: I’m fine with that.
Eleanor: I appreciate the trust you’ve all put in me. Now for the decorations!
Fred: My favorite part!
Olivia: I want a divorce.
Eleanor: Not again.
Meanwhile, at Buckingham Palace…
Christine: Midge, where are your friends?
Midge: So, about that…
Christine: “They’ll be there on time, I promise!”
Midge: They had an emergency!
Christine: All three of them?
Midge: They work on the same show.
Christine: They’re showing up the queen for the sake of a BBC show?
Midge: Look, I’m very funny, I can help you write some jokes.
Christine: Oh my god, no! You’re funny in the sense that we laugh at you, not at your jokes!
Midge: That’s rude.
Christine: It was, I apologize. I’m just frazzled. Who is going to help me write zingers about my husband now?
Ethan: Excuse me! I think I can help!
Christine: Ethan, what are you doing here?
Ethan: Looking for mum.
Christine: Oh, she’s at Olivia’s.
Ethan: Why?
Christine: They’re all planning Arthur’s birthday party.
Ethan: I didn’t know he was having one.
Christine: It’s in its early stages.
Ethan: Well, I did hear something about wanting some zingers about him. I grew up with him as my older brother, I have plenty of material.
Christine: You know what? I’m out of options, let’s go.
Two week later…
Claude: That was another incredibly productive meeting, madam prime minister. Thank you for stopping by. I will see you next week!
Meredith: Next week? I’ll see you Saturday!
Claude: Saturday?
Meredith: Yeah, for your birthday party!
Claude: Birthday party? I’m not having a birthday party then.
Meredith: Oh no, it was supposed to be a surprise!
Claude: Thank you for giving me notice, then. It’s not as if great care went into keeping it that way or anything.
Meredith: You’re welcome!
Three days later…
Claude: Wow, what a delightful surprise this is!
Eleanor: You don’t look surprised.
Claude: Can I be honest?
Arthur: Those words never mean anything good.
Claude: The prime minister spoiled the surprise for me.
Olivia: I told you not to invite her!
Eleanor: I was wrong.
Claire: Well, there is one surprise not spoiled.
Claude: Oh, good.
Andrea: Has anyone seen the queen? She asked me to introduce her routine, she seems to think I’m funny!
Claude: Routine?
Claire: All right, no more surprises!
Andrea: Oh no, what’ve I done?
Olivia: Nothing the prime minister hasn’t already done, but worse.
Andrea: Don’t get me started on her. Look at her over there, so clueless! She’s conversing with the hors d’oeuvres!
Olivia: She’s a unique woman.
Claire: Uniquely stupid, that is!
Christine: Andrea!
Andrea: There she is! I must go! Please, push the prime minister to the ground for me if you get the chance.
Claude: So what’s this routine?
Claire: Ah, you’ll see.
Andrea: Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I present to you, the comic stylings of Her Majesty The Queen!
Christine: Thank you, thank you!
Claude: Comedy?
Olivia: I was perplexed as well.
Christine: All right, so it’s my husband’s seventy-fifth birthday, and I know people are expecting me to come up here and make jokes about his age, but I don’t feel it’s right to do that. We are supposed to treat our elders with respect, and with dignity, especially when they’re much, much, much older than we are. Seriously, folks, back when we first got together, people used to think Claude and I were father and daughter. It’s not his fault he married such a youthful and beautiful woman! It is a bit his fault that he’s such a wrinkly prune, but we’re not going to talk about that! You know, he wasn’t always the nation’s oldest living man. He was a kid once, so I’ve been told.
Fifteen minutes later…
Olivia: Were we supposed to laugh at any of that?
Claude: She tried her hardest, let’s appreciate that.
Olivia: Trust me, I appreciate anyone tearing you a new one.
Eleanor: I thought the ones about childhood were pretty good!
Ethan: Those were mine!
Eleanor: Oh dear.
Olivia: I told her comedy wasn’t her thing!
Claude: It’s not really mine either, I’m not sure why she thought it was. I prefer dramatic performances.
Olivia: It’s always nice for us to have new experiences. Few will ever get to say they got to watch the Queen of the UK bomb a roast she herself decided to throw.
Christine: So, what did you all think?
Claude: Hilarious! What a gift! Thank you for being so thoughtful!
Christine: I’m glad I could help make your day special!
Olivia: Oh, you made it special all right!
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
