Gretchen walks into the office.
Gretchen: Oh, I am having a day.
Sarita: Me too. There was a paper jam in the printer, what a bitch that was to clear.
Gretchen: Uh-huh.
Carol: Massachusetts, stop weirding the governor out.
Sarita: I didn’t say anything!
Susana: She didn’t.
Carol: The governor doesn’t care about paper jams.
Gretchen: You’re making me sound like a bitch, Carol. I’m, like, barely top five in terms of bitches in this government.
Carol: Me, Pratt, Rivero… who else?
Gretchen: AG Tafoya.
Carol: Oh, yeah. Stone cold. What do you expect from an attorney general, though?
Susana: What is happening right now?
Gretchen: I honestly don’t know.
Sarita: We’re having a day.
Gretchen: Oh, right! It’s been a challenge.
Carol: What’s happened?
Gretchen: Christina -
Carol: Say no more, daughters are something else.
Susana: Excuse me?
Carol: Not you, dear.
Susana: You have no other daughters.
Carol: That’s true, dammit.
Susana: So what happened with Christina?
Gretchen: She -
Raymond!
Susana: Ah! So close!
Samantha: Did I interrupt girl talk?
Gretchen: I’m the Governor of Rhode Island, I don’t have “girl talk.” I have lady chats.
Samantha: I don’t mean to intrude.
Gretchen: I mildly like you now, and you’re a mom. You can stay for this.
Samantha: That is so sweet of you!
Gretchen: So, Christina started school at Salve Regina. We’re all very proud of her for finally making it out of the house at twenty-five.
Samantha: I can tell you’re being sarcastic, but it’s a good start! Some kids just aren’t ready to leave the next when most others are.
Gretchen: Well, I’m not upset about that. I’m very glad she’s decided she’s ready now. I am upset about something else, though. We barely get to see her, and she’s decided to bring her new boyfriend home with her when she visits this weekend.
Carol: Oh no!
Gretchen: I told her to only bring him if she’s serious, and she said she’s in love.
Carol: Oh no!
Sarita: Hasn’t she only been at school for a month?
Gretchen: Exactly. I’m so concerned.
Samantha: You should be. First loves are tricky.
Gretchen: Oh, this isn’t her first. That was in high school, and it was a disaster. They were planning to move to Maryland together, and she thought that would be fine because I was a senator so she’d only be an hour away..
Carol: I remember that! I’ve never seen you more pissed.
Gretchen: Thankfully, “I’m a US Senator and your son’s trying to steal my daughter from me” is a message that prompts most parents to spring into action.
Susana: You split them up?
Gretchen: Let’s just say, all the sudden, he didn’t want to move to Maryland.
Susana: I think young love is sweet. Two little idiots thinking the world is fair, that life won’t crush them and tear them apart.
Gretchen: Whoa.
Susana: I’ve been burned before.
Sarita: We can tell!
Carol: I keep telling her she needs to get to work on those grandkids, she simply refuses to find a man.
Susana: I’m twenty-six!
Carol: See what I mean about daughters?
Samantha: How do you think you’re going to manage this meeting? You gonna get this one kicked out of college and sent to Illinois?
Gretchen: No, I’m going to let it ride out.
Carol: I’m proud of you! This is the first time you’ve ever allowed her to make her own mistakes in love. She’ll see for herself soon enough if he’s really not the one.
Gretchen: I should give him the benefit of the doubt, I suppose. I don’t want to, but I should.
Samantha: Am I allowed to change the subject now? Because I did have something I wanted to tell you that’s important and related to work.
Gretchen: I suppose so. The people of Rhode Island did elect us to work and not, you know, talk about my kids.
Carol: It’s never, ever good when you say you have something important to tell us about the job. It’s never “Governor Raymond, the Pope is coming to town” or “Governor Raymond, the Senate is letting you pass something” or “Governor Raymond, you’re getting the Presidential Medal of Freedom.” It’s always “Governor Raymond, the Senate’s voted to legally void your election” or “Governor Raymond, Hank Matthews has staged a coup” or “Governor Raymond, the President has made Rhode Island illegal.“ My heart can’t take it!
Samantha: This is nothing major, just Hank and Jeanne wanting to meet again about a revised education bill.
Gretchen: Not this again.
Samantha: This time, I think it’s worth it. They’ve pretty much cut the Republicans out on this version, no school vouchers or any other right-wing things that the education lobby would give you a hard time about signing into law.
Gretchen: Tell them to send me a copy of the bill and then we can meet about it after I read it.
Samantha: Will do!
Three days later…
Lucinda: Gretchen, did you know that Christina is bringing a boy along with her tonight?
Gretchen: We may be aware.
Lucinda: And you didn’t think to warn me?
Anthony: You weren’t really the first person we thought to tell, no.
Lucinda: Do you know who this boy is?
Anthony: Can we stop calling him a boy? You’re making it sound like she’s a pedophile or something.
Lucinda: I still call her a girl. I will do so until she’s no longer in school.
Anthony: Well, she’s a grown woman, and that’s why we’re allowing her to bring this guy home with her if she wants. If she finds it important for us to meet him, we trust her. Right, Gretchen?
Gretchen: Oh, yeah, sure.
Lucinda: That sure was convincing.
Gretchen: I trust Christina.
Toby: You were saying earlier today th-
Gretchen: Go do your homework!
Toby: It’s the weekend!
Gretchen: Like that matters.
Toby: I just wanted to be part of the conversation!
Gretchen: Then try not to rat me out next time and you’ll be allowed!
Toby: I’m being persecuted.
Lucinda: Have you guys considered at all, and maybe I sound nuts, but what if this boyfriend that we’ve just recently started hearing about is some sort of political operative?
Anthony: You do sound nuts!
Lucinda: People are always trying to get dirt on you. What better way to do it than to get it from your daughter, who isn’t as well-prepared to detect spies like you are?
Gretchen: You think some unnamed political opponent of mine sent an employee of theirs to pretend to go to college in order to trick my daughter into dating him so he can get dirt on me from her and from us at a family dinner?
Lucinda: Makes sense to me!
Anthony: Do you need a nap?
Lucinda: Let’s just keep out guards up.
Anthony: Of course. If he starts out by asking about state secrets, we kick him out.
Gretchen: I could give him some dirt on Connecticut. Those people suck.
Anthony: How long do we have until they get here? I need to shower.
Gretchen: Two hours.
Anthony: I’ll run in now. Try to calm your mother down before she shoots the boyfriend on his way through the door.
Gretchen: I’ll try my hardest.
Two hours later…
Toby: Should I get the door?
Gretchen: No, I want to be the first to greet my college girl on her first return home! I’m so excited for her!
Toby: You didn’t act that excited when I came home from summer camp.
Anthony: Son, you were gone for a week.
Toby: That was a big step for me!
Lucinda: Gretchen, I’m beginning to think you may coddle your children too much.
Toby: She just loves us!
Lucinda: Too much.
Gretchen: Now you see why I am the way that I am. I grew up with her, I had to overcompensate with you two.
Lucinda: Tough love works, and it has ripple effects!
Gretchen: All right, hush, we’re not going to be fighting when I open the door for Christina.
Lucinda: Won’t she think something’s wrong if we aren’t fighting? That’s what comes natural to us!
Gretchen: Best behavior!
Gretchen opens the door.
Gretchen: Christina! Welcome home! And who is this strapping young man?
Christina: We just had the absolute worst drive here.
Lucinda: From Newport? You should try riding over on a boat from Italy like our ancestors! Now that is a rough travel!
Anthony: Ah, look at the Merchant of Venice over here, the expert on Italy.
Christina: You didn’t see the traffic, grandma!
Gretchen: I blame Massachusetts. Now, could you introduce us to the young man?
Christina: Oh, right, sorry! This is my boyfriend, Nick.
Gretchen: Great to meet you, Nick. Welcome to our home!
Nick: It’s great to meet all of you, too. You have a lovely home. And, may I say, Governor Raymond, I have a ton of respect for you.
Lucinda: Ha! I’ve got you now! No one has respect for Gretchen! He’s after something!
Christina: Excuse me?
Anthony: She’s completely lost her mind, ignore her.
Christina: That’s not news.
Lucinda: Hey! I’m looking out for you, kid! What if you’re dating a spy for the other side?
Christina: This isn’t the Cold War, grandma.
Nick: I can assure you, I’m not a spy. I just really enjoy Christina’s company.
Gretchen: And we’re glad to have your company! Come on in!
Anthony: Christina, could we talk to you in private on the porch?
Gretchen: Am I invited?
Anthony: Yes. Lucinda, you stay in here with Nick.
Toby: What about me?
Anthony: In the house.
Toby: I’m left out of everything.
Gretchen and Anthony walk out to the porch with Christina.
Christina: What’s this about?
Anthony: Just wanted to give a chance to talk about Nick without him around. Let us know your headspace here.
Christina: I think he’s really cute and I have fun with him. That’s all. We’re getting to know each other.
Gretchen: So he’s not going to be the First Son-in-Law anytime soon?
Christina: Uh… no.
Anthony: You don’t usually introduce us to boyfriends, so I just had to check in, see how serious it is.
Gretchen: Yeah, you’ve only been at school a month, this has to be so new.
Christina: I don’t know. I don’t know. I just thought it would be nice for you to meet.
Gretchen: I’m glad you felt comfortable introducing us. You did tell me on the phone that you were in love with him, though.
Christina: I feel love for him.
Gretchen: Puppy love?
Christina: Maybe?
Anthony: I know that face, you’re very smitten. That’s all it has to be for now.
Gretchen: So, obviously you went to college quite a bit later than most. How old is Nick compared to you?
Christina: He’s a freshman, too. He’s nineteen, just turned it in August.
Gretchen: Oh. Okay.
Christina: How old did you think he was?
Gretchen: Well, I was hoping he was, I don’t know, twenty-two? Six years is a big gap at your age.
Christina: Your grandparents were six years apart, and they got married around my age!
Anthony: How do you remember that?
Gretchen: That was the 1930s, Christina, things were different. My grandma was basically the town spinster, being unmarried at twenty-four.
Christina: Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are an entire me apart, they’ve been married forever.
Gretchen: Yes, but, he’s Michael Douglas.
Christina: I’m not?
Gretchen: I mean, there’s really only the one Michael. You and Nick are much closer in age, though. If you really like him, and you stay with him for years, there’s no real problem. That age gap becomes less and less of a problem the older you get. Still, though, be careful. He’s very young, you don’t want your heart to get broken by an actual teenager.
Christina: I’ve listened to enough Olivia Rodrigo to know that.
Gretchen: All right, should we go in.
Anthony: Gretchen, I wanted to talk to you about something quick.
Gretchen: Okay. Christina, you go in. Tell them dinner will be ready in an hour.
Christina: An hour?
Gretchen: Yeah, I haven’t started it yet. Soon!
Christina: It’ll be ready in an hour?
Gretchen: Probably not, but your grandmother needs some sort of timeframe or else she’ll just go in there and start making something herself.
Christina: All right, I’ll go tell them.
Christina walks into the house.
Anthony: What are we going to do, Gretch?
Gretchen: About?
Anthony: Our daughter’s dating a child.
Gretchen: He’s nineteen. I don’t love it, but… it is what it is.
Anthony: I don’t want her to start acting immature because of the people she hangs out with and dates.
Gretchen: Honey, there’s nothing we can do about any of this. She’s an adult, she’s pursuing an education by her own choosing, she’s spending time with who she wants. When I was at Brown -
Anthony: You had to get that in.
Gretchen: I’m so proud of it, of course I did. And when I was at Brown, the crown jewel of the Ivies, I had the freedom to mingle and hang out with whoever I wanted. She’s twenty-five, we can’t boss her around anymore. Besides, they’ve known each other a month. This won’t last, and even if it does, they won’t be this young forever.
Anthony: It’s so uncharacteristic of you to not be trying to micromanage Christina. Even though I personally could use your support in that right about now, I also respect it.
Gretchen: It’s called growth, honey. When I saw her go off to college, I finally realized she wasn’t my little girl anymore. She’s my grown girl, and I know I need to let her live her life. Now, let’s go grill this new boyfriend of hers and make sure he’s not an ass, or I will give her some helpful motherly advice.
Gretchen and Anthony walk into the house.
Christina: Grandma, stop it! He doesn’t work for Hank Matthews or some Republican!
Lucinda: How can we know!
Christina: I just know. I also know that you can’t look through someone’s wallet without their permission.
Lucinda: I have to know if this is a fake identity! I care so much about your wellbeing!
Gretchen: What is happening?
Toby: Grandma’s being weird again.
Lucinda: Grandma’s trying to make sure her daughter doesn’t say anything dumb in front of a spy tonight!
Gretchen: This again…
Anthony: Where is Nick, by the way?
Christina: The bathroom. Grandma turned into a pickpocket when he walked by and swiped his wallet.
Gretchen: Mother! You know you’re not supposed to do that.
Christina: This is insanity. You people are insane!
Gretchen: Your father and I are innocent.
Toby: What did I do?
Gretchen: I forgot you were here, you’re the only one I haven’t had to have a lengthy discussion with about your sister’s love life.
Christina: What were you and dad talking about?
Anthony: How happy we are for you!
Nick: What’s going on here? Why do you have my wallet in your hand?
Lucinda: Oh… you… dropped it.
Nick: Well, thanks for finding it!
Lucinda: Thank god he bought that.
Gretchen: I’m going to start dinner. All of you, behave and get to know each other.
Toby: Hi, I’m Toby. Nice to meet you, what’s your name?
Christina: That isn’t cute.
Lucinda: I think you’re cute.
Toby: Thank you!
One hour later…
Gretchen: Are you all enjoying your chicken?
Lucinda: It’s a little dry. That’s why you need to ask me for advice, I know this stuff!
Nick: I think it’s great.
Lucinda: She’s not telling you any state secrets! She doesn’t even know any!
Nick: Where did this theory come from?
Christina: She drinks.
Lucinda: I do not!
Gretchen: You’re drinking wine right now.
Lucinda: Wine is basically grape juice, it’s nothing.
Gretchen: I don’t think that’s true.
Anthony: So, you’re pretty young.
Gretchen: Here we go…
Nick: I am, but I’m mature for my age.
Lucinda: Mature enough to be a spy for the Republican Party?
Gretchen: Mom!
Lucinda: Kidding!
Anthony: Mature enough to date a twenty-five year-old?
Christina: Oh my god, this is so embarrassing. I want to hide under the table.
Gretchen’s phone rings.
Gretchen: Gotta take this, sorry!
Christina: Who’s it from? It better be someone important!
Gretchen: My dearest friend, the hilarious Hank Matthews.
Lucinda: Oh, wow, she’s having a miserable time to be stepping away for that!
Gretchen talks into the kitchen and answers the phone.
Gretchen: Bless you!
Hank: I didn’t sneeze!
Gretchen: You interrupted an extremely uncomfortable conversation and, for the first time ever, I am so grateful for you!
Jeanne: That’s sweet. Can we stop the sweet nothings and get to business?
Gretchen: Oh, Jeanne’s here. Great.
Jeanne: I love talking to you, too!
Hank: Did you get the bill? We emailed it to you.
Gretchen: I haven’t. I’ve been dealing with a family matter.
Hank: Steve Urkel?
Gretchen: A real family matter.
Hank: I can’t stand you, but I hope all is well.
Gretchen: My daughter might kill my husband and my mom, but other than that, all is well.
Jeanne: Can you read the bill this weekend and meet with us on Monday? We want to get this passed by next week, and we think you’ll really be happy with it.
Hank: We want to do a press conference when you sign it as a display of unity.
Gretchen: Did Mary’s primary victory scare you both a bit?
Hank: This is about getting things done for Rhode Island.
Gretchen: You’re both drifting left to attach yourself to my popularity! I love this! See you Monday!
Gretchen hangs up and walks back into the dining room.
Gretchen: Wow, it’s… serene in here.
Christina: We hashed everything out.
Gretchen: Was I the drama?
Anthony: No, we just all hashed things out as adults. I agreed not to harp on their ages, Lucinda agreed to stop being a nut, and Christina and Nick agreed that they’d take things sloe and get to really know each other.
Gretchen: And I was left out of all of this?
Lucinda: You chose to step away! I thought the conversation was lovely, not sure why you wouldn’t want to be a part of it!
Gretchen: Well, Nick, welcome to the family!
Christina: Don’t say that, you’re gonna freak him out!
Nick: I’ve been freaked out enough tonight, that was fine.
Gretchen: We’re a lot more fun than we let on at first. Especially when you like my cooking.
Lucinda: And so few people do, so they never get to experience that fun!
What did you think of the season premiere of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
