Raymond Island Season 5 Episode 3 - Me and Her Meander

Raymond Island Season 5, Episode 3
Me and Her Meander

Gretchen, Carol and Susana are at lunch.

Carol: Are you still dreading tomorrow?

Gretchen: How could I not?

Carol: I told you, I’ll go with you if you want.

Gretchen: We need someone to run the office.

Susana: Me and Sarita?

Gretchen: We need someone old enough to reach the gubernatorial age requirement in the office.

Susana: You only need to be eighteen to be governor in this state!

Gretchen: That’s a terrifying thought.

Carol: Get Toby ready, he’s gonna be your successor!

Gretchen: An even more terrifying thought!

Carol: You’re sure you don’t want me to go?

Gretchen: It’s already bad enough that the governor and lieutenant governor will be out of the state, the chief of staff doesn’t need to join them.

Carol: Yeah, but… don’t you need a buffer? One-on-one with Pratt for two whole days… bless you.

Susana: Maybe you should take your mom!

Gretchen: Do you hate me?

Susana: You don’t have many options besides us, I’m just trying to think of someone who’d agree to go!

Gretchen: I’m traveling with Samantha Pratt, not Satan himself.

Carol: Those are virtually the same thing.

Gretchen: Besides, we’re going to New Hampshire for a weekend retreat with the governor to try to strengthen working relationships between our states. It’s not like we’re going on a girls’ trip. I’ll get plenty of time away from her.

Carol: Aren’t you sharing a hotel room?

Gretchen: Well, it was the affordable option.

Carol: You couldn’t pay me to sleep in a bed next to her.

Gretchen: The room has two beds.

Carol: Doesn’t matter!

Gretchen: She’s not so bad.

Susana: She is, indeed, so bad.

Carol: Oh, look, a few months of Pratt being semi-normal and you’re falling in love!

Gretchen: Must you be like this?

Carol: Admit it, you like her!

Gretchen: I feel like I’m in third grade right now.

Carol (singing): And they called it puppy love

Gretchen: You’re fired. Susana, you’re chief of staff now.

Susana: An honor and a privilege, madam governor.

Carol: I’m just pulling your leg!

Gretchen: I’m fully aware, you’re not actually fired.

Susana: She’s not? Damn, I better cancel those business cards I just ordered.

Carol: So what are you actually going to do on this trip? And why does Pratt have to come?

Gretchen: The goal is to increase business opportunities between our states. Pratt’s coming with to make Governor Sallinger feel better about New Hampshire’s decision not to have a lieutenant governor.

Carol: You’re sure you don’t need me to help sell her on that?

Susana: I think Pratt can embarrass herself enough on her own.

Carol: I meant about the business dealings.

Gretchen: I’ll be fine. I have to say, though, it’s such a relief to have a Democrat in charge of New Hampshire again. That pesky Republican they had in there would’ve never gone for this, “fiscal conservatism” was the only thing he cared about and this may have caused some “reckless” spending.

Carol: But you would’ve had the master negotiator Pratt with you, you could’ve made that sale!

Gretchen: I think there’s a solid chance she blows it with our fellow Democrat. Nevertheless, I have to take her in order to build up trust with her.

Carol: Don’t kill her. I won’t be able to handle the media coverage.

Gretchen: Due to my desire to not be imprisoned, you have nothing to worry about there.

Carol: Don’t speak too soon.

Susana: You’re sure you’re not firing her?

Gretchen: I’d like to sometimes, but no.

Susana: Well, I shot my shot.

Later that night…

Anthony: Are you still packing?

Lucinda: You going for a weekend, not a month.

Gretchen: I have to be prepared. I don’t know what I need.

Lucinda: It’s New Hampshire, not Antarctica.

Gretchen: I’ve never been there before.

Lucinda: It’s like here. I know that, because it is a thirty-minute drive.

Gretchen: It’s two hours.

Lucinda: Yeah, there’s a far drive. I’m sure they’ve got a completely different climate.

Toby: Are we going to have dinner today?

Gretchen: Oh, crap! I forgot about dinner!

Anthony: I’ll make something. It’s not like it’s your responsibility. Plus, good to get used to making dinner when I’ll have to make it the next few nights, too. Practice makes perfect!

Gretchen: Toby, I am so sorry for the culinary disasters you will be experiencing this weekend.

Lucinda: You could’ve made something in advance.

Gretchen: You have arms!

Lucinda: I told you, I’m retired from cooking. Eighty years of cooking every night, I’m done.

Gretchen: You were cooking for the family when you were a year old?

Lucinda: Okay, sixty-five years. Still a long time, I’m done.

Gretchen: There’s always takeout. Anthony, if the food looks that bad, to the point on inedibility, just call Marco’s and order a pizza.

Toby: But tonight?

Lucinda: Have patience! She’s gotta pack her entire dresser into one carry-on-sized suitcase, and your dad has to help. That takes time!

Anthony: I’ll go heat it up right now, if that’s what it takes to calm everyone down.

Gretchen: I’m going to miss you guys!

Lucinda: Why are you talking like we’re all dying or something? You’re going to New Hampshire for two days, they have phones there.

Gretchen: And would you pick up if I called?

Lucinda: No promises.

Gretchen: Exactly!

Anthony: What about this will you miss?

Gretchen: It just feels like home. Her criticism is like a warm blanket.

Anthony: The two of you have a strange relationship.

Lucinda: Would you shut your mouth?

Anthony: I do have to live alone with you the next two days, so for my own safety, yes, I’ll shut my mouth.

Gretchen: Mom, don’t kill him while I’m gone.

Lucinda: It’s going to be so hard.

The next morning…

Gretchen: Oh, god. Pratt’s here already.

Anthony: It’s six in the morning!

Gretchen: I know.

Anthony: Why do you need to be in New Hampshire by eight AM?

Gretchen: We don’t. Our meeting is at four o’clock today.

Anthony: This is gonna be a rough weekend for you.

Gretchen: Don’t I know it.

There is a knock at the door.

Lucinda: Who the hell is that? Don’t wake me up before I gotta get up!

Gretchen: How the hell did that wake her up?

Lucinda: I’m a light sleeper! The things I’ve heard in this house… y’all are a bunch of traitors.

Gretchen: You stay up late one night to talk about putting her in a home, suddenly you’re a traitor.

Anthony: Oh, great, now she’s found the doorbell.

Lucinda: Open the door! I need my full eight hours!

Gretchen: You went to bed at nine!

Lucinda: And I got up at least twenty times to pee, that’s a good three hours of sleep shot right there.

Gretchen: Are you okay?

Anthony: Was she ever?

Toby: Who is the scary lady at our door? Is this The Purge? I know I shouldn’t have watched that!

Gretchen: Who let him watch The Purge? You know he has night terrors!

Anthony: I didn’t know what it was!

Gretchen: Was there something about “The Purge” that sounded family-friendly to you?

Lucinda: She’s ringing again! Make it stop!

Gretchen: I’m coming, Pratt!

Anthony: I don’t think she can hear you all the way up here.

Gretchen: Well, why not? We can hear her!

Lucinda: Unfortunately.

Gretchen gets out of bed and answers the door.

Samantha: Finally!

Gretchen: You know it’s still dark out, right?

Samantha: What’s that supposed to mean?

Gretchen: We have a two-hour drive, why are you here so early?

Samantha: It’s better to be early than to be tardy!

Gretchen: I said to be here at eight! We can’t even check into the hotel until noon. It was three, but I used me powerful persuasive skills to move it ahead three hours.

Samantha: There’s plenty we can do while we wait. Come on, seize the day!

Gretchen: Can I seize some coffee first?

Samantha: I suppose. But then we’re going!

Gretchen: Yeah, after I change, brush my teeth, get my bags together, and eat something.

Samantha: I thought we’d stop at a diner.

Gretchen: That’s fine. Can I do the rest of it, though?

Samantha: Yeah, go ahead. I’l just, uh, load my things into your car.

Gretchen: Glad to get your permission.

One hour later…

Samantha: Should I bring my GPS?

Gretchen: Are you kidding? What year is it?

Samantha: Just wanted to be sure.

Gretchen: I guess we’re ready, then. You wanna stop for breakfast now or when we get there or somewhere on the way?

Samantha: We’ll have plenty of time, let’s wait until we get there. We can embrace the culture.

Gretchen: Do they have culture?

Samantha: That feels needlessly rude.

Gretchen: Just get in the car.

Samantha: Will do! Just happy to be along for the ride!

One hour later…

Gretchen: Uh, do you remember what the phone told me to do back there?

Samantha: No, I was doing a sudoku. Can’t you have it repeat itself?

Gretchen: No, because it just died.

Samantha: How did it die?

Gretchen: Apparently, I forgot to charge it last night.

Samantha: Do you have a charger?

Gretchen: Not a car charger.

Samantha: What an idiot!

Gretchen: Can I use your phone?

Samantha: Oh no. 

Gretchen: Oh no?

Samantha: Yeah, mine’s dead, too. I spent too much time on Reddit.

Gretchen: What? And you called me an idiot?

Samantha: It’s your car, you should have a charger in it!

Gretchen: Where’s your charger?

Samantha: My phone is so old, it doesn’t have a car charger!

Gretchen: Oh my god.

Samantha: What the hell are we going to do?

Gretchen: Thankfully, I know how to navigate this area well enough and I know the direction Concord is in. I can get us there.

Samantha: Are you sure? We could just stop at Target and get a GPS.

Gretchen: In 2023?

Samantha: Yes!

Gretchen: At seven AM?

Samantha: It’s eight AM, they’re open.

Gretchen: Yeah, we’re not doing that.

Samantha: You better be a good navigator, I’m not going to be the Rhode Island Amelia Earhart.

Gretchen: Wouldn’t that technically be me, since I’m the one driving? In fact, you should be the one navigating! Contribute something!

Samantha: I’m here for moral support.

Gretchen: You’re bad at it.

Samantha: I don’t think I deserved that.

Gretchen: You did.

One hour later…

Samantha: Raymond…

Gretchen: Yes?

Samantha: Aren’t we supposed to be there by now?

Gretchen: I don’t think so, we’ve got like fifteen minutes yet.

Samantha: The sign says “Maine: The Way Life Should Be.”

Gretchen: Huh, weird for a state to advertise itself. I’ll ask Fitzmiller about that strategy.

Samantha: Gretchen, we’re in Maine.

Gretchen: No!

Samantha: Look outside! That’s the ocean!

Gretchen: I don’t think that’s true. That’s a lake.

Samantha: I smell saltwater!

Gretchen: You sure that’s not something else you’re smelling? Maybe we passed a seafood shack.

Samantha: Raymond! We’re lost!

Gretchen: We’re not lost!

Samantha: I’m not a geography expert, but last time I checked, you don’t need to pass through Maine to get to New Hampshire from Rhode Island.

Gretchen: Trust the plan!

Samantha: Can we at least pull over and ask for directions?

Gretchen: I’ll get us there! This is just a little snag in the plan!

Samantha: At least you admitted it’s a snag. That’s a start.

Gretchen: I’m turning around!

Samantha: See, isn’t it a good thing I made us leave so early?

Gretchen: No! I’d rather get lost than have to leave at six in the morning!

Samantha: Well, we did both, so joke’s on both of us.

Thirty minutes later…

Samantha: We’re still in Maine! You said you were turning around!

Gretchen: I did turn around! I think I just made a wrong turn and took us to a different part of Maine!

Samantha: We’re in Sanford. I don’t know what that is, maybe it’s the town from Sanford and Son, but I know it’s not Concord. Maybe they have a Target.

Gretchen: You and Target…

Samantha: I want to find our way! Apparently, I’m with the worst navigator ever. And the most stubborn!

Gretchen: We don’t need a GPS!

Samantha: Can we at least get a car charger for your phone? I don’t want to end up in Canada, and we’re heading that way.

Gretchen: Just give me a chance here, I can get us there.

Samantha: Why are you like this?

Gretchen: I got us into this mess, I have to get us out of it.

Samantha: It’s okay to admit defeat.

Gretchen: Fine, we’ll get the damn charger.

Samantha: Oh, thank god, I was afraid we were gonna run out of gas.

Gretchen: We should get gas! It’s been low for a while!

Samantha: And you said nothing? We have no phones!

Gretchen: We’ll be fine.

Samantha: Good lord.

Ninety minutes later…

Samantha: Welcome to Concord!

Gretchen: Definitely my favorite city named after a variety of grapes.

Samantha: It’s much better than Merlot, Maine.

Gretchen: That’s not a real place.

Samantha: I was just playing along, it’s been a stressful drive.

Gretchen: Hey, you got to listen to REO Speedwagon!

Samantha: Yeah, that got old after the first hour.

Gretchen: All you had to do was ask and I would’ve changed CDs!

Samantha: And distract you more?

Gretchen: Hey, I got us here! You didn’t!

Samantha: Your phone got us here. You were about to keep driving to Vermont!

Gretchen: Thankfully, we got here with plenty of time to spare before our meeting.

Samantha: We don’t get to see any sights of the city, though!

Gretchen: Take any victory you can get, Pratt.

Samantha: I know. Being late would’ve sucked, since we were like ten minutes from home.

Gretchen: We should hurry and get checked into the hotel first, though. I made a huge deal about having to be checked in early, I’m gonna look like a fool if we don’t get there until, like, seven.

Samantha; Would you say that looking foolish is undeserved after today?

Gretchen: Don’t be a bully.

Samantha: What a nice start to vacation this has been.

Gretchen: This is a business trip, it’s not a trip to Cabo.

Samantha: Thank god it’s not a trip to Cabo. You would’ve taken us to the North Pole.

What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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