Olivia is in her kitchen when the phone rings.
Olivia: Can you get that, dear? I’m shucking this corn, I don’t have a free hand.
Fred: I thought the whole benefit of living at a royal residence in London was so you didn’t have to do anything for yourself and you could just relax.
Olivia: No, dear, that’s what the benefit of having a maid is. We don’t have that, and we never will, not even in London. Now, could you answer the phone?
Fred: Yes, will do!
Gigi: Mum, do you need help with that corn?
Olivia: No, I’m capable of handling it myself. You can peel the potatoes, though.
Todd: What should I do?
Olivia: Umm… you can cut the carrots.
Todd: The carrots?
Olivia: No good shepherds’ pie is complete without carrots!
Gigi: Fred, the phone!
Fred: Oh, right!
Fred answers the phone.
Fred: Hello?
Claire: Finally, an answer! I thought I was getting ignored!
Fred: Claire!
Olivia: Claire? Since when does Claire call?
Claire: Fred, is Olivia there?
Fred: She is, but she’s elbow-deep in corn husk right about now.
Claire: I should’ve known, calling at dinner time.
Fred: It’s four o’clock, I can understand not thinking we’d be getting to work on dinner yet.
Claire: I know you like to eat early.
Fred: Olivia does.
Olivia: Olivia does what?
Fred: Likes eating early.
Olivia: It’s how I stay healthy! Eat by five, time for dessert around seven, and you’re done eating for the day before eight, keep that digestive tract clean!
Gigi: I didn’t want to hear about my mother’s digestive tract today, but sometimes bad things happen.
Claire: Anyhow, I can just ask you this, Fred.
Fred: Go ahead! I don’t want to hear about Olivia’s digestive tract either!
Olivia: It’s so important to stay regular.
Gigi: Mum!
Todd: I’d like to hear your advice on that, I could stand to ea-
Gigi: Some conversations should be private!
Claire: Arthur and I wanted to invite Olivia and you over to Kensington tomorrow afternoon, just to hang out.
Fred: That’s it? I thought something was wrong!
Claire: Oh, no! Just a little invite, to get us closer.
Fred: I don’t see why that wouldn’t work, we’ll see you tomorrow!
Claire: See you then, and enjoy your dinner!
Fred hangs up.
Olivia: “See you tomorrow?”
Fred: She asked!
Olivia: I figured she did. Where will were be seeing her?
Fred: Kensington. Where’s that?
Gigi: Oh, my god. Have you learned nothing since we reintegrated into this family?
Fred: I don’t keep track of all of your houses!
Gigi: You gotta, it’s crucial.
Fred: Make me a chart or a map or something./
Gigi: Todd, make yourself useful.
Todd: I’m not a servant.
Gigi: No, but you’re the closest thing to a servant that mum will allow us to have.
Olivia: Why did she ask us to go to Kensington?
Fred: Just to hang out.
Olivia: Oh, that’s sketchy. I’m calling mum.
Fred: What? Why?
Olivia: This has her handiwork written all over it.
Fred: Can we not get invited to a nice afternoon with family without there being a conspiracy behind it?
Olivia: Not with my mother still above ground.
Gigi: Mum, are you going to kill gran?
Olivia: No, I’m saying as long as she’s still here, she’s meddling.
Todd: I don’t know, it could be uncle Claude trying to get them to convince you to do something you’d refuse to do if he asked.
Gigi: I never say this… Todd, that’s a good theory!
Todd: Oh, I did something right!
Gigi: Just the once.
Olivia: Fred, I’m going to call mum. You finish the corn, all right?
Fred: Do I have any other choice?
Olivia: You know the answer to that already.
Olivia picks up the phone and calls Eleanor.
Eleanor: Olivia! How are you this fine evening?
Olivia: What scheme are you running? Also, it’s quarter past four, that’s not evening.
Eleanor: I’m not running any scheme! You’re the one who called me!
Olivia: Claire suddenly wants to spend tomorrow afternoon with Fred and I. What are you pushing?
Eleanor: You think I’m behind a nice moment between family? I’m honored, but also confused as to why you’d be upset.
Olivia: I’m not upset, I’m just hoping it’s genuine and not some emotional manipulation
Eleanor: While I do believe that you could stand to get closer with Arthur and Claire, I had nothing to do with this. They’re just trying to get some valuable time with their dear aunt, it’s sweet.
Olivia: Put Claude on. He knows something.
Eleanor: Are you serious?
Olivia: Put him on.
Eleanor: This is neither of our doing!
Olivia: Sure, and I’m the Queen of England.
Eleanor: That expression doesn’t have the same punch when you’re talking to the actual Queen. Also, it’s Queen of the United Kingdom and you know that. It hasn’t been “Queen of England" for several centuries.
Olivia: You promise you didn’t do this?
Eleanor: I promise! It’s genuine family connection, it’s beautiful.
Olivia: It is kind of nice. They want to spend time with me. That’s sweet of them.
Eleanor: Do I still have to put your brother on to prove that meeting with your family isn’t part of an evil scheme?
Olivia: No, I’m convinced it’s a genuine invite. You don’t have to disturb His Majesty.
Eleanor: He doesn’t really mind if I disturb him, so you still could if you want. I’m allowed to bug him because I always remind him I’m his mum.
Olivia: As much as I appreciate the invite to bug my brother, it’s unnecessary. You guys have a nice “evening.”
Eleanor: You too!
Olivia hangs up.
Olivia: Well, it wasn’t her doing.
Fred: Good, can you take back over for me now? I don’t think I’m doing this right?
Olivia: How do you mess up at shucking corn?
Todd: I don’t know, but I think he managed to.
Fred: It’s definitely a more difficult task than cutting carrots!
Todd: I don’t know if that’s true.
Olivia: Both of you, stop. You both got tasks that a literal baby could do!
Gigi: Look how good I’m doing with these potatoes, though!
Warren: You go, honey!
Olivia: One of you could cut the bread if you want, since vegetables are not your thing.
Todd: I’ll do it!
Gigi: Are we done talking about the mystery meeting tomorrow? One talk with gran and you’re convinced?
Fred: Thankfully, she didn’t act the same way in regards to our marriage.
Olivia: She never actually tried to convince me not to marry you. She just said that the family would be very disappointed and embarrassed.
Fred: Oh, good to hear she put in a great word for me.
Olivia: Trust me, all the convincing in the world from her, it wouldn’t have stopped me from marrying you. Now, after twenty years, I could be convinced to divorce you, but that’s a discussion for another time.
Todd: Not to advocate for anything, but divorce can be quite fun.
Fred: Shut up, Todd!
Olivia: Honey, I’ve been through it. Fun, it is not.
The next day, at Kensington Palace…
Claire: Welcome to our home! You two haven’t been here before, have you?
Olivia: Darling, are you forgetting that I was raised in this family? My aunt Marlo would babysit me here, which wasn’t the wisest move on my parents’ part as she was a blackout drunk, but that’s neither here nor there.
Claire: I meant since we moved in. We’ve done a lot of updates.
Arthur: To start, we moved Mandy over to Buckingham.
Claire: Dropped her off in the porch in the middle of the night, she had no idea!
Olivia: So that’s how she ended up over there! I always thought she just wandered there herself and mum just rolled with it.
Claire: We turned her apartment into an in-law suite for my parents and sister when they’re in town.
Arthur: And we all love that! All of us!
Olivia: I brought wine, because I didn’t know what to bring and also I love wine, but maybe we could get a house tour before lunch? I’d love to see what you’ve done with it!
Arthur: I still can’t believe you reconnected with the family two years ago and this is the first time you’ve come to the house!
Olivia: It’s really the first time we’ve been in London, no?
Arthur: That is true, you come to Buckingham to see the family, then you’d go right back to the countryside. I don’t blame you, though, that sounds quaint, nice.
Olivia: It is, but I’m realizing lately that there are benefits to being within the direct vicinity of my family.
Claire: That’s why we felt the need to invite you. It was so nice spending time at Balmoral, but when we’re home, we never see you aside from family meetings. Lord knows there’s no bonding at those.
Olivia: That’s because I’m always the one the meetings are about. Always doing something stupid, it’s my brand!
Fred: Not always.
Olivia: Just you watch, he’s going to claim marrying him is the smart thing I did.
Fred: Well, I won’t argue with you there.
Claire: Where shall we begin the tour?
Olivia: Somewhere nice, preferably.
One hour later…
Olivia: Wow! That was a far more extensive tour than I had anticipated!
Fred: I wasn’t expecting to get to see the basement bathroom, I have to be honest. It’s nice!
Claire: People are always shocked about how nice the basement is, I don’t know why they’d ever expect the future King and Queen to not go all out on a basement remodel.
Fred: Why was the toilet gold?
Arthur: I knew he was wondering that!
Fred: But why is it gold?
Arthur: We thought it looked nice.
Fred: It was definitely unexpected!
Olivia: I’m still hung up on the mural along the staircase.
Claire: We had that commissioned after falling in love with the work of an artist in a small town in Spain on our honeymoon.
Olivia: Well, I certainly didn’t think they made wallpaper with your faces on them, I figured that was by commission. You don’t see that every day!
Fred: Directly on the walls, though?
Claire: It really fits our home.
Fred: Uh-huh.
Claire: So, shall we start lunch?
Olivia: That would be great, I’m starved. We had to walk here and I’ve not eaten since eight!
Claire: You walked here?
Fred: From the gate, we got dropped off by Gigi.
Olivia: That’s still a long way to walk in these heels!
Arthur: Why did you wear heels to a casual lunch?
Olivia: I had to look my best!
Arthur: I didn’t even notice.
Claire: Typical men!
Arthur: I noticed your shoes! They’re beautiful! Are they new?
Claire: I’m wearing the same flats I always wear around the house.
Fred: Advice from someone who’s been doing this a lot longer than you: don’t try to work yourself out of this one, just accept that you’ve made a tactical error.
Arthur: All right, lunch time!
Claire: Nice deflection!
Outside, ten minutes later…
Olivia: Oh, I could get used to having lunch with this view. That garden, ah!
Arthur: All Claire’s doing!
Olivia: You garden?
Claire: It’s just about the only thing I can ever do to relax by myself.
Olivia: I feel the same way!
Claire: The cucumber in the watercress sandwich was grown right there in the garden.
Arthur: She had difficulty cutting it.
Fred: Why, dull knife?
Arthur: No, she thinks of the vegetables as her children.
Olivia: Aww, that’s cute!
Claire: Thank you! I grew them from seeds, it’s hard to just chop them up.
Claude: I hope I didn’t just overhear a royal murder confession!
Arthur: Dad!
Olivia: Oh, no, did mum tell you about our lunch and convince you to come check in on us?
Claude: She did tell us, but we’re just here to bring dessert.
Christine: Eleanor made is, she’s been getting into baking a lot lately.
Olivia: Mum baked something? Is she all right?
Claire: Would you like to pull up a chair? The sandwiches are gone, but we have plenty of sides if you want those.
Christine: No thank you, we’ve already eaten. Just wanted to drop this off, we’re leaving. Right, Claude?
Claude: Oh, yes! We’re leaving. You all have fun, enjoy the blueberry pie.
Fred: Ooh, blueberry! I love blueberry!
Claude: I hope bonds are being strengthened today!
Olivia: See, this is why I find sketchy about the whole thing, Claude. You’re trying to force a connection that’s already there.
Claire: Sketchy?
Claude: Oh, she thought I arranged this.
Claire: No, I thought mum did. You were the backup option after I realized it wasn’t her.
Arthur: It wasn’t them, we just wanted to talk.
Olivia: I can tell now. I just found it unusual when you asked us over, since it’s never happened before. It felt like mum or Claude trying to force us together when we’re already relatively close even if they don’t realize it. They love to meddle.
Claude: I’m right here!
Christine: She said nothing untrue.
Claude: I thought you were supposed to take my side.
Christine: I can admit when a good point’s been made.
Arthur: I can understand that concern, auntie Liv. They have the best intentions, but they do love to meddle.
Claude: I’m innocent!
Christine: I think we should go.
Claude: I guess so!
Arthur: See you tomorrow!
Claude: Are you sure it’s not “meddling” if I see you tomorrow?
Christine: Stop being a drama queen. I’m the queen around here.
Claire: Goodbye, you two. Lovely visit!
Claude and Christine leave.
Claire: My god, what was that about?
Arthur: He was absolutely trying to check on us and make sure we were bonding.
Olivia: In a weird way, his strange behavior has brought us together a bit more. It’s given us something to laugh about!
Claire: You two are a lot of fun to talk with. I mean, no one else in the family ever wants to gossip like this.
Olivia: I live for it!
Fred: I’m a little uncomfortable doing it while they’re still in my line of sight.
Olivia: We aren’t saying anything that a rational person wouldn’t already be thinking.
Claire: Not to mention, there’s no way either of them can hear us. They can barely hear when we’re sitting next to them!
Arthur: Dad is very self-conscious about that.
Claire: I get why. I gotta repeat myself more when I talk to him than when I’m talking to Mandy. Mostly because I know she won’t understand what I’m saying even if she does hear me.
Olivia: I’m loving this roast of Claude. He’d be livid!
Claire: This conversation does not leave this patio!
Arthur: You’re the boss!
Three hours later…
Fred: Are you sure Gigi is picking us up?
Olivia: She said she would!
Fred: At least we had fun, imagine if that sucked and we had to sit here waiting for so long to get picked up.
Olivia: Oh, it was a blast! It was good to talk to people in m y family that are actually normal human beings!
Fred: I told you Claire was fun!
Olivia; To be fair to me, nothing that you told me about her was “fun.” You read books and drank tea together at six in the morning at Balmoral, that’s not fun.
Fred: We had some great conversations, though. I connected with her over feeling sort of like an outcast in the family.
Olivia: Why would you feel like an outcast? Because our marriage caused a twenty-year estrangement that was only cleared up because my father died? That’s old history!
Fred: It’s good you’ve got a sense of humor about the situation.
Olivia: Today was nice, and I’m really enjoying living in London more. We’ve got them right down the road. We’ve also got Trayman right down the road, but thankfully Norah has the sense to never bring her along to dinner.
Fred: Are you thinking you want to stay once your little driving ban is over?
Olivia: I don’t know, but I’m not miserable like I expected to be. I feel closer to my family, and I actually can stay past four o’clock without worrying about driving home in the pitch dark.
Fred: I’m enjoying it myself.
Olivia: All I know, is I want to keep having lunch with them, keep making inroads with the family. Making up for lost time is so important.
Fred: Speaking of lost time, we’re losing so much of it waiting for her to get here!
Olivia: You know her, she couldn’t be on time to save her life.
Fred: Oh, look, that’s her! Well, either her or TMZ pulling over to get a picture of us sitting in the rain, I’m not sure which.
Gigi: Sorry I’m late! So much traffic!
Olivia: Uh-huh, that’s what it was.
Gigi: You don’t have to believe me, but that’s the truth. Besides, how many women my age do you think have to worry about picking their mum up from a lunch date?
Olivia: You are a challenge.
Gigi: I try to be!
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the season finale next week!
