Raymond Island Season 5 Premiere - A Very Special Episode

Raymond Island Season 5, Episode 1
A Very Special Episode

Gretchen sits down at her dining room table.

Gretchen: Big day today!

Lucinda: You finally dropping Christina off at college?

Gretchen: That was done several weeks ago.

Lucinda: Really? It was? I did’t notice!

Anthony: Oh no… is it time to talk about the home?

Lucinda: My memory is not going! I was being sarcastic!

Anthony: That’s what any desperate person would say if they knew someone were onto them.

Toby: Grandma, you have noticed that Christina isn’t here, right?

Lucinda: Like I said, it was sarcasm! For one, Gretchen made a big deal about it every day for a month before it happened. Second, the house is so much quieter without her here, it’s impossible not to notice her absence! I finally get time to myself when you two fools are at work and Toby is at school! It’s what I’ve always wanted!

Anthony: You know where else you get a lot of time to yourself

Gretchen: Honey, we’re not putting mom in a home. I couldn’t do that to the other residents.

Lucinda: Very funny! I know you’re crazy about me!

Anthony: She’s crazy because of you, if that counts.

Toby: Oh, dad… I’m fifteen and I’ve never had a girlfriend and even I know that wasn’t the right thing to say.

Anthony: It was a joke, Gretchen! Besides, Toby, don’t you have to get ready for school?

Toby: Probably. What time is it?

Anthony: Five minutes past go-brush-your-teeth-o’clock.

Toby: Got it! Taking the hint!

Gretchen: Does no one care why it’s a big day?

The doorbell rings.

Lucinda: Is it a big day because you knew the Jehovahs were about to come talk to us?

Gretchen: It’s not Jehovahs, it’s Mary and Eddie, because the reason today’s a big day is because -

Anthony: Can I answer that?

Gretchen: Today is her special election!

Lucinda: Oh, right! I forgot about that!

Anthony: You heard her! She just forgot a major life event for her daughter. Something’s wrong!

Lucinda: You’re not getting rid of me so easily. In fact, I’m confident in saying that you’ll never be rid of me. I’m going to outlive you!

Anthony: Is that a threat?

Gretchen: No, honey, I think she’s hinting at her own immortality.

Lucinda: Damn right I am! Many have tried, you can’t bring ole’ Luce down!

Anthony: Okay, can I get the door now? They’re ringing aggressively.

Lucinda: What if they really are Jehovah Witnesses?

Anthony: It’s not Jehovah Witnesses!

Lucinda: You don’t know that for sure!

Anthony opens the door.

Mary: Jeez, finally! I was beginning to wonder if anyone was even home!

Eddie: Then I pointed out that all of your cars are here and she got very upset.

Lucinda: Hence the aggressive ringing.

Mary: I’m a candidate on a mission, I know I don’t have time to waste, I’m just here to strategize a bit with Gretchen before I head out on my last campaign stops.

Eddie: It’s a good thing she’s got the best campaign manager in the business!

Mary: This is the first campaign you’ve ever managed, and we don’t know how this vote is going to go. Maybe don’t toot your own horn just yet.

Eddie: You’re winning, come on.

Gretchen: She is winning, right? I haven’t seen any polling.

Eddie: We’ve done one poll, she’s up fifteen over DeLucci.

Mary: Who even is this DeLucci fellow? I’ve never heard of him!

Gretchen: Are you not aware of who you’re running against?

Mary: I’m being facetious. Of course I know who DeLucci is, he’s the stooge that Hank Matthews is backing to spite you.

Eddie: Robert DeLucci, police officer and lifelong East Providence resident. A credible opponent, but not the favorite by any means. His fundraising is nowhere near Mary’s.

Mary: He certainly loves to brag about the “lifelong East Providence resident” bit. That’s just about his only argument, which is why it makes me nervous.

Lucinda: People do hate a carpetbagger.

Gretchen: Just think, Mare, you belong in that district far more than that talk show host from Michigan that the Republicans tried to run in Wisconsin last year.

Mary: That doesn’t make me feel better.

Lucinda: Do you really think you could lose?

Mary: Are you all trying to shake my confidence? You were supposed to say “That’s not a real argument, he’s got no hope, you have this in the bag!”

Anthony: That’s not a real argument.

Lucinda: He’s got no hope.

Gretchen: You have this in the bag.

Mary: Now I know it’s phony!

Lucinda: Always complaining, you. This is why Gretchen is my favorite.

Gretchen: Wait, she is?

Lucinda: For now.

Gretchen: That’s news to her!

Anthony: If Gretchen is the favorite, how much do you hate the other two?

Eddie: I was always told I was the favorite!

Mary: I suddenly find myself not caring about being the favorite. Gretchen, I need advice on how to bring this home today. I’ve never done this before!

Gretchen: I’ve not historically been seen as the greatest campaigner, so maybe I’m not the one to give advice here. Nevertheless… keep up the ground work. Knock doors, make sure registered Democrats turn up and turn out for you.

Anthony: Honey, you’re not that bad at campaigning.

Gretchen: I appreciate the confidence booster. I don’t buy it, though.

Mary: I’m going to take your advice, though! Even if you don’t win by as much as you should -

Gretchen: You’re not wrong, but it still hurts to hear.

Mary: you do win. That’s all I gotta do.

Lucinda: Well, she doesn’t always win.

Mary: We can’t blame the Koobach loss on her, she was just the running mate. No one really cares about them.

Eddie: What a confidence booster!

Gretchen: I have to work today, obviously -

Lucinda: Is it obvious?

Eddie: That’s how you treat the favorite?

Lucinda: Sometimes, even the favorite has to be taken down a peg.

Gretchen: That was very sweet. Now, as I was saying, I have to work today, but as soon as I’m done, I’ll go out campaigning for you. I know Matthews will be pulling out all the stops.

Eddie: Not enough to get his pet the win. We have this in the bag.

Gretchen: I sure hope you’re right! I never underestimate Matthews, though. He has a way of getting his way.

Mary: Are you all coming to the victory party tonight? I know it could get late, and you’e got work, but -

Anthony: Of course we’re coming! This is family!

Mary: Well, I’m apparently the least-favorite, so I wasn’t sure mom would come.

Anthony: We’ll drag her along with us, don’t worry. 

Gretchen: All right, gang, I do have to get ready for work. I’ll see you all later, and I’ll give you a call when I’m done so I can meet up and campaign with you.

Mary: We better get going, too. We should probably get our votes in first.

Gretchen: Making sure you don’t forget to vote is a key first step in victory, yes. See you later!

Later, at the state capitol…

Samantha: Raymond! Psst!

Gretchen: What, Pratt? Why are you whispering like we’re on Survivor?

Samantha: I’m panicked.

Gretchen: What about?

Samantha: I think Hank and Jeanne know I’m siding with you in this special election.

Gretchen: What gives you that idea?

Samantha: Jeanne asked me if I was supporting Mary.

Gretchen: Why would she ever get that idea?

Samantha: Well, maybe because I am?

Gretchen: You’re a valuable new ally, I respect that. But what idiocy did you do now to tip them off?

Samantha: I asked one of my staffers how the polling was and if Mary was going to pull it off. Jeanne overheard me and was curious as to why I sounded concerned about the race when I rarely mention it or Mary.

Gretchen: It’s not like it matters much if they know. They can’t do anything about it. Again, this isn’t Survivor. Alliances don’t really matter.

Samantha: I know, I just get valuable information from them about how they plan to sabotage you. I don’t want that flow of information cut off.

Gretchen: Trust the plan. You did great work in suggesting backing DeLucci to Hank. The man’s a walking scandal, and he’s so unlikeable.

Samantha: He really is. I don’t know why Hank was so down to back a scandal-plagued first-time candidate who was a Republican until five years ago.

Gretchen: Well, that’s why. He’s a centrist, so is Hank, it helps him to stay in power.

Samantha: I’m basically a centrist, too, but I’m not going to play against my own self-interest. I’ll take a leftie over a Republican any day!

Gretchen: Well, if all goes as planned, that’s what we’re getting. Stay strong, I gotta go. You did great work with this.

Samantha: I’m so enjoying this new working relationship!

Gretchen: Yeah, you’re not as awful as I thought you were! A shame it took me a full term to realize that!

Samantha: We’ve got a full term yet to be a power duo. Plus, maybe I can run for governor and you can be my lieutenant governor after this!

Gretchen: You and your delusions. Bless you.

Gretchen walks into her office.

Carol: Good morning!

Gretchen: What are you so chipper about?

Carol: Election Day! It always gets me excited!

Gretchen: I’m stressed. I don’t trust that Matthews will take this loss lying down.

Susana: Does it matter? This is safe for Mary, DeLucci is a disaster.

Carol: “DeLucci the DeSaster” is what the ads say, I believe. D-E-S-A-S-T-E-R.

Gretchen: Not Eddie’s best work.

Carol: Worked on me, it’s catchy.

Gretchen: So how much is she up by?

Carol: I don’t know, there's only been that one poll.

Gretchen: Does no one in this race have money to run polls?

Carol: It’s a low-turnout special election primary for state house, not the Iowa caucus. Let’s be grateful we got one poll.

Gretchen: Fair point. I’m just stressed because it’s my sister. It’ll all work out.

Carol: Getting Pratt to convince Hank to endorse a complete lunatic is working out great. This man is a walking liability, how did Hank not see that?

Gretchen: Hank was too concerned with finding someone that would pledge undying loyalty to him, he never thought to consider whether that person would be a liability.

Carol: Oh well!

Susana: Are we doing any campaigning tonight for Mary? I know none of us live in the district, but -

Gretchen: Already on it. I’m hoping that the governor knocking doors and getting out the vote will be a big motivator if this is low-turnout. I am prepared to be disappointed.

Carol: The turnout so far is better in Barrington than in East Providence. I think we’re good here. I think Mary’s turning out the vote she needs to win.

Gretchen: That’s great to hear, but I won’t get too confident. I’m still going to go at this hard today. Mary getting elected is a key piece in regaining control of the state government.

Carol: I can’t believe we have a supermajority and have to rely on one house seat so we have the potential of actually getting things done.

Susana: Every member of the caucus that’s opposed to keeping Matthews in charge is a huge win. We’d be up to, what, thirty?

Gretchen: Yes, but that’s unfortunately still under half of sixty-five, so we have a lot of work ahead of us before we get Hank out.

Carol: This is certainly a start, though!

Gretchen: Okay, can we stop talking about this for a little? I get myself so nervous thinking about it.

Carol: I think it’s sweet how much you want her to win!

Gretchen: I really think she deserves this win, she’s fought so hard. She’s barely even asked me for help, which is probably the right strategy, considering my campaign skills.

Susana: You’re not that bad.

Gretchen: People keep saying this, they never sound convincing. Still, Mary’s fought for this all on her own, she’s made a name for herself, I’m proud of her. Now, what’s on the docket today?

Susana: Uh… dog shelter reopening in Scituate.

Gretchen: Oh, what a shock. Hard-hitting stuff today.

Carol: We try to keep you out of trouble, give you the stuff we know you can’t bungle.

Gretchen: Okay, I can mock myself, but you guys hold back on it.

Hank: Raymond!

Gretchen: Oh dear god, what?

Jeanne: Lunch meeting?

Gretchen: What about?

Jeanne: The school voucher bill.

Gretchen: I’m against school choice, so is most of the party. That’s not happening.

Jeanne: I think you’re being short-sighted on this one, the Republicans conceded a lot of public school protection in this one.

Hank: Don’t let your ego ruin a good deal for us!

Gretchen: We have supermajorities in both chambers. Quite frankly, the Republicans should try winning some elections if they want a say on this one!

Hank: You see no value in bipartisanship?

Gretchen: Not on this issue, they’re screwing over public schools one way or another if they’re backing this bill.

Jeanne: We only really had a shot of passing this with your support, so I guess we’ll have to drop it.

Gretchen: Guess so! Anything else for me today or can I get on my merry way to the dog shelter or whatever nonsense I have on the schedule?

Hank: That’s about it. Maybe tomorrow you’ll be willing to work with us to get literally anything done for Rhode Island.

Gretchen: Guess we’ll see! Happy Tuesday!

Hank and Jeanne walk out as Gretchen closes the door behind them.

Susana: Yeah, we really need to get these people out of power.

Gretchen: We should put a damn bell on them. How are they always sneaking up on us? 

Carol: Oh, Christ, here comes Pratt.

Gretchen: Turn off the lights and hide, I can’t deal with any of these people right now.

Carol: She knows we’re here already.

Gretchen: Just text Massachusetts and tell her to distract her while we escape.

Susana: Why would you want to do that to Massachusetts?

Gretchen: Last one hired, first one to do have to shield me from annoyance.

Later that night…

Gretchen: Eddie! How’s everything going?

Eddie: You’re late!

Gretchen: I got caught up campaigning and didn’t notice the time, I’m sorry. At least the polls haven’t closed.

Eddie: Everyone else is here, it’s all good. Mary didn’t even notice your absence.

Gretchen: I don’t know if that makes me feel better.

Christina: Mom!

Gretchen: What are you doing here?

Christina: I couldn’t miss this for aunt Mary, this is a huge day for her.

Gretchen: Where is she, by the way?

Christina: Freaking out, panicking, puking.

Gretchen: Oh, the typical pre-election ritual.

Eddie: Is she really sick?

Christine: No, just saying she feels nauseous.

Eddie: Don’t we all?

Gretchen: How is turnout looking?

Eddie: Um… about what we expected? Our base is turning out higher than DeLucci’s, that’s a good sign.

Gretchen: Do we know if Hank Matthews or Jeanne Rivero have been getting involved personally? I don’t trust them not to try anything shady.

Eddie: Are you asking if I have personal knowledge of your capitol enemies rigging the election? No, I do not.

Gretchen: I’m just paranoid. Very paranoid.

Christina: We can see that, but trust the plan. All will be well.

Gretchen: I’m gonna go hang with Mary. My mind’s racing so much.

Eddie: Ah, yes, get her panicked as well, that’s a good idea.

One hour later…

Mary: Okay, gang! It’s twenty after eight, that’s when we’re supposed to get results!

Gretchen: I have to say, it feels funny all huddled around watching a livestream of the local news’ Facebook Live on a computer. I’m so used to seeing election results unfold on

Mary: Well, not all of us can be running for governor or senator or vice president.

Gretchen: I didn’t say it was a bad thing! These people are much less dramatic, they don’t even seem to be aware anyone’s watching them.

Christina: Well, only eighty-four people are watching, so…

Lucinda: And most of them are in this room!

Christina: That’s not how that counter works, but I appreciate the attempt at humor.

Eddie: I’m nervous!

Mary: You told me not to be nervous!

Eddie: I’m your campaign manager, I have to tell you that. It doesn’t mean I believe it myself!

Anthony: They’re saying something!

Jim Carver (Providence Action News anchor): For those of us joining us for our coverage of the Rhode Island house special election primary, we have just received our first votes, and with thirty-four percent of the precincts reporting, we can project that Mary Raymond Hoffman, sister of Governor Gretchen Raymond, will be the Democratic nominee in this heavily-democratic district, defeating rival Robert DeLucci. She will be facing Republican nominee Karen Carmine in the general. Carmine, a librarian, won the Republican primary unopposed.

Anthony: We’re all just sitting in silence. You hear that, Mary? You won!

Mary: I’m crying.

Lucinda: Oh, here we go.

Mary: My whole life, I watched Gretchen live her dreams, make a name for herself, create a legacy… I spent my life on a failed marriage, being a dutiful wife to a man who never respected me or cared about me. I get to make a legacy now.

Gretchen: OH, god, you’re gonna make me cry!

Toby: I’m crying!

Christina: Don’t be a nerd, Toby!

Lucinda: You didn’t win the general yet, don’t fall asleep at the wheel.

Eddie: We won’t, but if she manages to blow that… even Gretchen didn’t lose this district.

Mary: Do I have to go, like, make a victory speech?

Gretchen: That would be the typical course of action here.

Lucinda: Is anyone even out there to talk to?

Christina: Grandma, must you be so negative?

Lucinda: Who would I be if I were positive right now? Not myself!

Mary: I’m going to go talk to my supporters. Gretchen, hold down the fools and keep them from wandering out to the ballroom during my speech.

Gretchen: Will do!

Mary: Thank you all for being here for me, and making this happen.

Carol: You’re welcome! I just got here two minutes ago, but you’re welcome!

Mary: How did you slip in?

Susana: You were all, like, sort of crying and we just popped in. Well, Lucinda wasn’t crying.

Lucinda: She won, I don’t cry tears of joy. I safe that for sadness.

Eddie: Mary, you gotta go talk to the people out there. They don’t have a live stream out there, so they have no idea what’s going on.

Mary: Okay, gang! See you all on the other side!

Gretchen: Man, it’s so nice to get a win every once in a while!

What did you think of the season premiere of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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