Our House Season 1, Episode 8
Our Egg
Steven runs off the bus and into the house.
Tammi: Steven, what's in your hand?
Steven: It’s an egg, mom!
Teri: Did you lay it, Steven?
Steven: No. I got it at school.
Tammi: Why is it in a plastic case?
Steven: Mrs. Gorcianick gave us an assignment in health class today. We have to keep this egg safe until next week’s class.
Tammi: What does that teach you kids exactly?
Steven: She said it'll teach us what parenting is like. Anyone who returns their egg intact gets an A on their assignment.
Teri: Why do that when you can make an omelette out of it instead?
Steven: I said that to her, but it’s 20% of our grade. I want to pass the class, Aunt Teri. No matter how delicious omelettes are.
Teri: Oof. I’m still not used to being called that every day.
Tammi: I’m 31, you should be used to it by now.
Teri: And I’m 38 and I don't need to be reminded that I’m already a great aunt before I’m a mother. I already have your grandma Betty reminding me that my biological clock is ticking quickly.
Tammi: Well, you’re still my Aunt Teri and I still love you.
Teri: I like to think of myself more as your cool older friend. I mean, Danielle is my best friend and there’s a bigger age difference between the two of us than there is between me and you.
Danielle: Hey, did someone just call me old? Never insult -
Teri: I know how this will end. Never insult a girl from Bensonhurst, Brooklyn.
Danielle: And don’t you forget it!
Steven: Can someone help me with my egg? I’m afraid that someone will throw it away if I set it down. I made a plastic case for it during shop class, but it’s not very good.
Tammi: I highly doubt anyone in this family would throw free food away. They might eat it though. But not with me around! I will protect it with my life!
Teri: Your grandmother certainly would eat it, Steven. I’ve never seen my sister waste food.
Tammi: You’re right. She used to make me and Zeke eat any chips we dropped on the ground, no matter what they touched. I think being poor her entire life leading up to that may have something to do with it.
Teri: Yeah, that’s probably it. But she still hasn’t given that habit up. I saw her eat a two week-old chicken breast because it wasn’t green yet. She had food poisoning and called off work for a week, but at least she got to chow down on some chewy, nasty chicken.
Tammi: And that’s the very reason that I will be to one to guard this egg. I know she’ll listen to me if I tell her not to eat it.
Teri: You think.
Tammi: Yeah, I think.
Steven: Please be more confident, mom. I don’t want to fail health class.
Tammi: You won’t, Steven. At least, not because of this. I’m not sure how well you know anatomy, but I guess I’ll learn soon enough when I get your report card.
Steven: I’m a great student mom, trust me!
Tammi: Alright, I believe you. And I won’t let you down!
The next night…
Betty: Hey Tammi, can you help me out?
Tammi: With what, grandma?
Betty: I need some Advil. My leg hurts so badly!
Tammi: Alright. But, how did you hurt your leg anyway? You spend most of your day on Facebook and watching fake news.
Betty: Well, it’s a long story.
Tammi: I’ll wait.
Betty: Okay, so I was watching the View.
Tammi: Why?
Betty: I don’t know. I truly do not know. Anyway, so I was watching the View and I was getting so angry during their conversation about Orangie.
Tammi: His name is President Trump.
Betty: Tomato, tomahto.
Tammi: How did that break your leg?
Betty: Well, I heard the doorbell ring. So I ran out of my room, and because I was so annoyed, I was kinda stomping my feel as I went down the stairs. And I tripped and I fell.
Tammi: That is… a unique story.
Betty: You know what’s more unique?
Tammi: What’s that?
Betty: Your husband saw the whole thing, and all he did was call your grandfather so he could deal with me. I was crawling around on the floor with a broken leg and Frank didn’t even care. He could have taken me to the hospital, but instead he had to interrupt Karl’s trip to Costco, and now I have a broken leg AND I still need chocolate popsicles!
Tammi: That’s horrible, grandma. I’ll have to talk to him.
Betty: I keep telling you that you should divorce him. You know, I know a guy that can help with that.
Tammi: You’ve never said that to me!
Betty: Oops. Must have said it to Cindy then.
Tammi: You want my parents to get divorced?
Betty: Don’t be silly! I was gossiping to her about you!
Tammi: Oh, cool. That makes everything better.
Betty: Can you please get me that Advil now? By leg hurts like hell!
Cindy: Mom! Don’t say that word!
Betty: What, Advil? I know it’s store brand but I think that’s easier to say than ibuprofen.
Cindy: No, H-E-double hockey sticks!
Betty: Oh, hell? I’ve been saying it for 75 years and I’m still here. I think I’ll be fine.
Cindy: When you’re condemned to eternal damnation, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Betty: I am your mother, talk to me with respect!
Tammi: Is this really my life? Why did I sign up for this?
Danielle: I ask myself that same question every day.
Mitchell: So do I!
Danielle: Oh shut it Mitchell. You could work during the day to escape the madness, like I do. Instead you choose to lay on the couch and watch King of Queens marathons.
Mitchell: I don’t do that. I watch Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives marathons. Guy Fieri is my hero.
Danielle: That is sad.
Tammi: Grandma, I can’t find the Advil. I have to go to the basement to find it. Hold on.
Betty: Alright. But please hurry, I’m in so much pain.
Tammi: I’ll go as fast as I can.
Tammi walks down the steps to the basement as Zeke bursts through the door.
Cindy: Zeke! Where have you been? I haven’t seen you since last night!
Danielle: I think we can all make a guess.
Zeke: I was at the bar. Amelia called me and asked to stop by. She said it was on her and I ran there. Literally.
Cindy: Amelia? Our neighbor? Have you been seeing her?
Zeke: Yeah, every since moving day we’ve been going out.
Danielle: Going out or going into her bedroom?
Cindy: Danielle!
Zeke: Both.
Cindy: Oh lord! Why did I have to hear that?
Zeke notices the egg laying on the counter.
Zeke: What’s this doing here?
Betty: Who knows.
Zeke: Well, I’m gonna eat it. I’m starving.
Danielle: Go ahead, you don’t need to announce your plans to everyone.
Zeke cracks the egg in the frying pan as Tammi makes her way up the steps.
Tammi: I found the Advil, grandma! AHHHH!!!!
Betty: Why are you screaming? It isn’t that exciting, there’s always Tylenol.
Tammi: Zeke, where did you get that egg?
Zeke: On the counter.
Tammi: Oh god! That was Steven’s class project!
Zeke: An egg? Well that’s not a very creative project.
Tammi: He just had to protect it for a week, that was it. And you ruined that for him! And it’s all because you’re the same drunken mess you’ve been for a decade! I can’t even look at you right now.
Zeke: It’s just an egg, Tammi.
Tammi: It’s so much more than that! This is about my kid! He’s going to be devastated. He’s a straight-A student and this is worth 20% of his grade!
Zeke: I’m sorry!
Tammi: You always say that and then you do it again and again! You never mean it! All you care about is alcohol!
Danielle: Yeah Betty, I think we should go. Let’s go to Velma and Mitchell’s room.
Betty: I really want to see this.
Danielle: Betty!
Betty: Fine.
Tammi: Can you just go away Zeke? Go to Amelia’s, go to the bar, I don’t care. Just, not here. Learn to care again and then come back.
Cindy: Tammi, you’re being way too harsh to him.
Tammi: No, I’m not! You and dad always protect him and I’m tired of it! This is the real world and we can’t pretend it’s not! Heck, he only has a room here because you pay for him to be here!
Cindy: That’s very unfair and I don’t need to hear it.
Tammi: I’m sorry. But now I’m going to have to explain to my kid tomorrow that he’s no longer a straight-A student because his uncle ruined his project.
Zeke: If it helps, I can talk to his teacher.
Tammi: You’ve done enough. I hope your scrambled eggs are worth it.
Karl walks through the door.
Karl: I’m back from Costco! What’s going on? Did I miss something?
Tammi runs over and hugs Karl.
Tammi: Oh, grandpa!
Karl: I always appreciate the hug, but what’s it for?
Tammi: I just needed this. It’s been a day.
The next morning.
Tammi: Steven, this isn’t easy to say.
Steven: What is it mom? Did Bubbles die?
Tammi: No Steven, your fish is alive and well. I think.
Steven: That’s good. I think. So what is it?
Tammi: Your egg is not alive or well.
Steven: What happened?
Tammi: I was washing the dishes and had it next to me. I slammed a pot down on it and I crushed it.
Steven: Oh no! My project is ruined! How could you do this?
Tammi: It was an accident, I’m really sorry.
Steven: Can Frank take me to school today?
Tammi: Steven, you’re not really that mad at me, are you?
Steven: Please.
Tammi: I’ll ask Frank.
Frank takes Steven to school.
Zeke: Why did you do that for me?
Tammi: I didn’t. I did it for Steven. He looks up to you. I didn’t need him to know that his uncle is a selfish alcoholic. Please leave me alone.
Tammi collapses onto the couch. Teri and Danielle walk in.
Teri: What’s wrong sweetie?
Tammi: Everything sucks. My brother’s a mess, my son hates me, and I just wish I could go back and fix all of this.
Teri: I’m going to tell you some wise words written by a very wise woman.
Tammi: I already know what you’re going to say. Fleetwood Mac is not going to cheer me up right now.
Teri: Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow! Yesterday’s gone!
Tammi: I called it!
Danielle: Tammi, I’ve known you since you were in diapers.
Tammi: I know Danielle. You always like to remind me of that.
Danielle: I have never seen you so down or upset. You are such a strong woman, it’s okay to be vulnerable.
Tammi: You’re never vulnerable. You’re always so tough.
Danielle: Honey, that’s because I’m perfect and so is my life.
Tammi: Ha!
Danielle: I know, I thought it was pretty funny myself.
Teri: Go get dressed Tammi.
Tammi: Why?
Teri: We’re going somewhere that might just make you feel better.
Tammi: Where’s that?
Teri: You’ll see.
Tammi gets dressed and meets Teri and Danielle in the car.
Tammi: So where are we going?
Teri: All will be revealed.
Tammi: I wish you wouldn’t be so cryptic, Aunt Teri.
Teri: I’m gonna let that “Aunt Teri” slide. But just that one. No more!
Tammi: Alright, Aunt Teri.
Teri: You little…
Ten minutes later, the trio pulls up in front of Steven’s school.
Tammi: Steven’s school? Why are we here?
Teri: I called the school. Steven’s health teacher doesn’t have any classes right now, go talk to her.
Tammi: I can’t! What will I say?
Teri: The truth. We won’t come with, but we’ll be right there in the office if you need us.
Tammi: Alright, let’s go.
Danielle: That’s the spirit!
Tammi walks to Mrs. Gorcianick’s classroom, while Teri and Danielle wait in the office.
Secretary: So, who are you two?
Teri: I’m her aunt.
Danielle: And I’m basically her aunt.
Secretary: Oh, are you together?
Teri: God no. But you’re not that far off. We do live together.
Secretary: Interesting.
Teri: See, my whole family lives in the same house together. Well, it’s really more of a mansion. It was my dream house and -
Secretary: I have to get back to work.
Teri: Oh. Okay.
Tammi arrives at Mrs. Gorcianick’s room and walks in.
Tammi: Hi there, Mrs. Gorcianick.
Mrs. Gorcianick: Oh hello, Mrs. Hariman.
Tammi: Thank you so much for meeting with me.
Mrs. Gorcianick: I deal with horny teenagers who are just learning how their bodies work all day. Talking to you is a delight. So, what are you in for today?
Tammi: Well, it’s a long story. But Steven’s egg is smashed.
Mrs. Gorcianick: That means he gets a zero, I’m sure he explained the rules.
Tammi: He did. But this wasn’t his fault. It was late at night, and he went to sleep. He was being so careful that he even asked me to watch over the egg. I was doing a good job with that, but my grandmother broke her leg and needed medicine, and I had to go find it. In the few minutes that I was gone, my brother waltzed in to the kitchen and started making the egg. Steven didn’t even know until today.
Mrs. Gorcianick: That’s a great story, but how can I know if you’re just making up excuses for your kid because you’re one of those parents who thinks her child is perfect.
Tammi: I can assure you, it’s the truth. My eyes are red from all the tears that I’ve cried since last night. Is that proof enough?
Mrs. Gorcianick: Even if I do believe you, why should he get another chance when other students don’t? That’s against the rules.
Tammi: The rules suck! It’s not even remotely his fault.
Mrs. Gorcianick: So what will Steven do if his uncle eats his child when he has one? Just request a new one so he can get a passing grade:
Tammi: My brother isn’t a cannibal, so I don’t think he’ll have to worry about that.
Mrs. Gorcianick: Steven isn’t getting a passing grade. I’m sorry, but it’s a zero. Have a good day.
Tammi: You are not picking a good time to mess with me. I basically just disowned my brother over this, I’ve cried so much and Steven won’t even talk to me because he thinks I did it. This meant so much to him because he’s such a good student who doesn’t deserved to be punished over this.
Mrs. Gorcianick: I’m sure if you just explain everything to him, he’ll be fine.
Tammi: I’m not going to do that, and I shouldn’t have to. Part of being a parent is shielding your kid from the sad truth, even when that hurts their opinion of you. Because I can’t let him be disappointed by his role model. And now that I’m done with my speech, I’m leaving.
Mrs. Gorcianick: Wait. Steven can have another chance. But no more chances.
Tammi: Have a good day, Mrs. Gorcianick. You just gave me the first good piece of news all day.
Tammi walks out of the classroom and finds Teri and Danielle.
Tammi: It took some convincing, but Steven’s gonna get another chance!
Teri: That’s great! What did I tell ya, don’t stop thinking about tomorrow! Yesterday’s gone, and now things are getting better!
Tammi: Thank you both so much. I never would have been able to do that without your encouragement.
Teri: I’m a cool aunt like that.
Tammi: Did you just say aunt?
Teri: Yeah, I’m leaning into it now.
Tammi: Wow! It only took three decades, but that’s better than never!
Steven: Mom, is that you?
Tammi: Steven! What are you doing here?
Steven: It’s lunch time. I was walking to the cafeteria.
Tammi: Good news! Your momma went to Mrs. Gorcianick and begged for you to get a second chance!
Steven: Did it work?
Tammi: Nah, she’s actually giving you negative points now.
Steven: Are you being serious?
Tammi: No, you’re getting a second chance!
Steven: Thank you mom! I love you!
Tammi: I didn’t think I’d ever hear those words again!
Steven: I better run, Timmy Frelinger brought cupcakes in today to celebrate his birthday!
Tammi: Go get a cupcake, cupcake.
Steven: Mom, don’t say embarrassing things like that.
Tammi: I won’t.
Steven: Wait, is that Aunt Teri? Oh wait, I mean Teri.
Teri: Yes it’s me, and yes you can call me Aunt Teri. I like being called that now!
Steven: Wow, I didn’t think I’d hear that.
Tammi: That’s what I said!
