The family is at Balmoral on holiday.
Eleanor: Isn’t it wonderful to all just get some time away from the busy city and relax in the country as a family?
Olivia: Absolutely, that's why I spent twenty years living in the country. I love the peace and tranquility out here.
Christine: You lived in the English countryside. The Scottish countryside is even better.
Eleanor: It is not a competition. Though, I agree. It is even better out here than where Olivia lives. This is paradise.
Olivia: It feels like it’s being made into a competition.
Eleanor: You are so insecure sometimes, my dear.
Claire: So what’s on the agenda for this week?
Claude: Relaxation and bonding!
Ethan: That sounds heinous.
Mandy: Where am I? It smells weird here.
Eleanor: That’s the fresh country air, Mandy! This is Scotland!
Ethan: No, I smell it, too. It’s not just the delusional rantings of a Alzheimer’s patient who really was a health risk to even bring here.
Eleanor: Do you think the proper solution was leaving her home alone in the Palace, then?
Ethan: We could’ve left Midge with her to supervise.
Midge: Do I not also deserve a vacation? I nursed your sister back to health!
Olivia: We’re very happy you’re here, Midge. Just, uh… the help are to speak when spoken to, so pipe down.
Gigi: Mum, that is awful! Hilarious, but awful!
Olivia: It was a joke, all in jest. Though, I wouldn’t mind if she listened just a bit.
Christine: Oh, lord. We have mildew! Look at the walls! Don’t we have someone to come in here for maintenance to ensure this doesn’t happen in our living space?
Eleanor: It can happen even with the most diligent upkeep.
Olivia: Although, the recent flooding likely had a hand in it…
Claude: It’s fine, it doesn’t smell that bad. Besides, it’s just in the kitchen.
Selina: Yes, just in the place we eat, totally fine!
Eleanor: I imagine there is not a single historical castle on the planet that has not had some sort of mold or mildew issue. No use getting upset about it, we can still enjoy our trip.
Olivia: I agee. If a bit of mildew is all we have to worry about, I count that as a win.
Selina: I’m more disturbed by your continued presence. You suck the energy out of the room.
Olivia: Thank you!
Ethan: Can we all just get along? This is family time!
Arthur: Tell your wife to stop picking fights, then.
Olivia: Thank you for defending me, Ethan! This is why you’re my favorite nephew!
Nathan: Excuse me?
Olivia: Tied with you, of course!
Ethan: I have a son, as well!
Olivia: And I never see him. These two win.
Selina: I don’t want to expose him to your vile behavior.
Olivia: Your kids only wish they could hang out with someone this cool!
Fred: Dear, this is sort of sad.
Eleanor: Yes, we just got here today, is it really necessary to go at each other like this?
Claude: I say let them get it out of they system! Surely, they can’t keep this up for two weeks!
Gigi: Oh, they can and will!
The next day…
Olivia: Why is everyone looking at me so strangely? It’s my vacation I get to sleep in!
Claude: Midge has something she wants to speak to you about.
Midge: Why am I being thrown under the bus?
Claude: You’re her press agent.
Olivia: I don’t care about the press. Again, I’m on vacation!
Claude: Just hear us out!
Olivia: Someone explain! I can’t being kept in the dark anymore!
Claude: Midge… you’re on the clock.
Fred: I’ll do it.
Midge: Thank you, Fred. You’re an angel!
Selina: If that’s an angel, I might prefer going to hell.
Fred: Olivia, The Daily Mail has captured a photo of a pregnant Norah walking with Todd at a market.
Olivia: Oh no!
Christine: It gets better!
Olivia: It can’t. This is already so stellar.
Fred: She’s got an engagement ring on.
Eleanor: Why did you not tell us about their engagement?
Olivia: Mum, I would’ve if I knew!
Christine: You expect us to believe your son got engaged without telling you?
Olivia: The election is in three weeks, I’m sure they were just holding out until then. We all know I have a big mouth, I could say it to the press.
Claude: A lot of good that secrecy did. Olivia, is a disaster!
Olivia: I’m aware!
Eleanor: I have contacted the prime minister, and she is on her way here.
Olivia: This just keeps getting worse!
Claire: I’m going to go outside and take a nap until she leaves.
Eleanor: She is in London, you know. She will not be here immediately. We can give you a fair warning when her car pulls up.
Claire: I appreciate it! I can’t stand the woman!
Olivia: Who can?
Claude: I don’t know, but she’s about to be your son’s mother-in-law, and now the entire country knows.
Olivia: The entire country does not read The Daily Fail.
Claude: But they check social media, watch the BBC, and -
Olivia: This is news on the BBC?
Claude: Of course! This is a proper scandal!
Olivia: No, there isn’t any need to use that word.
Eleanor: It is quite the scandal. The Prime Minster’s daughter and the King’s nephew romantically involved. It’s like a plot in a far-fetched movie, but real life.
Olivia: I don’t like this, if I’m honest.
Gigi: I told you you should’ve forced Todd not to date Norah. This is going to be a very annoying few weeks.
Fred: I don’t know if it’s so bad. I mean, a scandal impacting Meredith Trayman can only hurt her electoral chances, and that’s very good for us!
Claude: The negative press coverage of our family, however, not very good for us.
Fred: You’ll weather it, you always do.
Ethan: Social media’s changed everything. We’re going to get mocked. I don’t want to be mocked.
Fred: You won’t be mocked for my stepson’s actions.
Arthur: Respectfully, uncle Ethan, most people don’t even remember your existence.
Ethan: That is… a fair point, though that does not mean I like it.
Claire: I think we’re all overreacting about this. Is it ideal? Of course not! But the public isn’t going to get upset with us for the romantic choice of a — pardon me, Olivia — low-profile, non-working member of the family. None of us had anything to do with it.
Fred: As I said, I think this only helps us achieve that goal of ousting Meredith. She chose to hide her daughter’s relationship with a member of the Royal Family. It looks much worse for her than for any of you. The only person here in a similar position to her is -
Olivia: Tread carefully.
Fred: It’s true! You are the one who’d get the most blame, and you seem slightly less concerned than most of the others. They all need to relax a bit and let Todd and Norah handle this.
Midge: Todd’s on the way, too.
Claire: I was wondering where he was, he always comes to these family trips.
Olivia: Norah had an appointment for the baby.
Midge: That’s where they were spotted together!
Gigi: This baby’s really ruined everything, huh?
Olivia: Don’t talk about my grandchild like that! But, yeah, they haven’t helped.
Christine: So what exactly is the game plan here?
Midge: I’m a media expert. I will figure it out after talking with happy couple and the prime minister. They are the ones most impacted here.
Arthur: You say that, and yet, we’ve gotten dragged into more public scandals in the years since you’ve arrived than we did before.
Midge: That’s almost entirely due to Olivia’s very loud and disrespectful mouth.
Olivia: I am the scapegoat for everything around here!
Eleanor: There is a reason for that, dear.
Olivia: I’m going to go eat my breakfast and contemplate my life.
Gigi: Always the hallmark of a happy person who has made terrific life choices.
Olivia: Shut up!
Gigi: I’m still favorite though, right?
Olivia: I’ve had about enough of you for right now. Ask again later.
Mandy: Why does everyone look so sad? Did I miss mum’s funeral?
Eleanor: No, Mandy, you mum died forty years ago.
Mandy: That’s a lie, Catherine!
Eleanor: And Catherine died ten years ago.
Mandy: Then who in the hell are you?
Christine: Sadly, not the grim reaper.
Later that day…
Fred: Olivia, our guests have arrived.
Olivia: Don’t rope me into this.
Fred: You’re going to have to face them. He is your child.
Olivia: Fred, I’m just so stressed! You can’t imagine how much this has weighed on me the last few years, thinking they’d get spotted by some tabloid photographer and the whole world would know that a member of the Royal Family, my own son, is seeing the prime minister’s daughter. We aren’t meant to be mixing our public and personal lives in this matter. This is a stain on the family!
Fred: Olivia, your son is having a child. He is in love, he is happy. That, after a painful separation and divorce, is something to celebrate. Not something to be upset about.
Olivia: I understand, but Fred, I need you to understand something. I was not raised in a normal family.
Fred: Oh, I understand that perfectly well! I’ve spent more than enough time with them to get it!
Olivia: I was just raised to care about public opinion, to never draw negative media attention to myself. To always follow the rules and not step out of line.
Fred: I understand that. When that’s how you’re raised, it’s hard to break out of it. However… you’ve always been a rebel. You’ve never been one to follow the rules or care about what the media said about you. You should give your son the same grace you gave yourself.
Olivia: Damn you! You make too much sense!
Fred: Correct!
Eleanor: Olivia! Please come to the living room!
Olivia: Like clockwork…
In the living room…
Todd: Mum, I’m -
Olivia: Todd, it’s all right.
Claude: It truly is not, really.
Olivia: No, it is.
Christine: It’s not!
Norah: Why are the y’all shouting?
Todd: This is what they do.
Gigi: Todd, you’re an idiot!
Todd: I’m aware!
Norah: This was my fault. I begged him to come with me to the appointment. I wanted him to see the ultrasound.
Christine: You could’ve just asked for a copy to take home, no?
Claire: That’s not the same!
Norah: It isn’t. Getting to see it together for the first time is much more special.
Christine: So special that it’s caused a national scandal. Glad it was worth it.
Meredith: I’m gonna lose, right?
Claude: Oh, please, you were always losing. Have you seen the polls?
Eleanor: People like our family, there is a small chance this could help the Tories if they think we’re supporting your campaign.
Christine: Hence why this is the worst disaster to hit this family since whatever dumb thing Olivia’s done most recently. No offense.
Olivia: None taken! I do many dumb things.
Christine: I was actually talking to the prime minister.
Meredith: I took. A bit of offense, to be honest. Our party is for the people, by the people. There’s no shame in people thinking you support us.
Christine: Have you looked around the country lately? Good lord.
Todd: I just noticed, where’s Claire?
Arthur: Headache. She’s getting them a lot lately, we fear she may have suffered a concussion. She may not be around much all week, particularly if you all stay The more loud voices, the worse it gets.
Meredith: Give her my sympathy!
Arthur: I don’t want to make the headache worse.
Meredith: I feel like you’re all taking this out on me. I didn’t do this. It’s not my fault.
Christine: You didn’t do anything to stop it!
Meredith: I’m lost.
Gigi: You’re the prime minister, threaten to throw Todd in jail if he doesn’t leave Norah alone!
Claude: Don’t listen to her, she is fueled entirely by hatred for her own brother.
Gigi: I don’t think that’s fair, to just discount my idea like that.
Olivia: Everyone, silence!
Selina: You’re not the boss of me!
Olivia: You weren’t even talking!
Selina: But you don’t get to tell me that I’m not allowed to talk if I want to!
Ethan: Ladies, play nice.
Selina: Tell your sister that, I was sitting her minding my business before she called me out!
Olivia: I didn’t even mention you. Christ!
Eleanor: Do not bring Him into this!
Olivia: Todd, Norah, I’m happy for the both of you. If the British public gets upset about this, it is what it is. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and I don’t expect you to act as if you do. There’s nothing really for you to do here. Just go about your own business.
Claude: Excuse me?
Meredith: Yes, it’s not “what it is.” My political career is in jeopardy!
Olivia: Your political career is dead and buried, Meredith. Focus on holding your constituency, because you won’t be leader of the Tories anymore. Besides, picking politics over your own daughter would not only be disgraceful, but utterly out of character for you. Despite all of your many, many faults, you are one of the most loving, supportive mothers that I know.
Meredith: You think so?
Todd: I appreciate the sentiment, mum. I just don’t want the rest of the family to be upset with me. I feel I’ve let you all down.
Eleanor: That is not true. We may be baffled by your carelessness, because dragging us into election drama is not idea, but you have not let us down.
Christine: Letting us down would mean we set expectations for you to begin with. I don’t think of you!
Claude: That was low, and you ought to never say anything that rude again.
Christine: When did you become president of his fan club?
Claude: He’s my nephew, I don’t want anyone to demean him.
Olivia: I do have a question, though.
Todd: Sure!
Olivia: Why did you not tell me about your engagement? That’s not something I’d ever want to find out via the Daily Fail.
Todd: It was a spur of the moment thing, and it’s not even something we’ve discussed much. We’re waiting until after the baby is here to concern ourselves with wedding planning.
Norah: Plus, with the election coming up, we didn’t want to distract mum. And we couldn’t tell one of you without telling the other.
Olivia: Just another thing to add to her list of crimes.
Meredith: So what’s my angle here? How do I navigate the worst scandal of my political career coming out just weeks before the election?
Olivia: Please! This is not the worst scandal of your political career! Those have all been your own doing.
Meredith: I’m an excellent leader.
Olivia: Great joke.
Midge: I have a solution. Not a solution, a remedy.
Meredith: What would that be?
Eleanor: I want to say that it feels unethical for an employee of the family to be giving political advice to an actively-campaigning prime minister.
Claude: I think we’ve crossed worse ethical borders than that in this whole fiasco.
Eleanor: Fair enough.
Midge: Madam Prime Minister, you can give an interview and explain the situation. Lie about the timeline a bit. Say they’ve been dating since before you took office -
Todd: I was married then.
Midge: Never mind, then.
Christine: Why do we pay her money?
Gigi: Not one person in this room knows. Not even Midge.
Olivia: I have an idea, Meredith.
Christine: This should be good.
Olivia: Tell the truth. Talk about their relationship, say that the relationship has not impacted your working relationship with the King, and that the relationship has in no way impacted your job performance. The public may not like it, but that’s the truth, and the truth is the most important thing we’ve got.
Meredith: People will get mad at that. This scandal is going to impact the election, and doubling down on it sure won’t help
Norah: It’s not a scandal! It’s my relationship! We are engaged. We are having a child! Do you not get that?
Meredith: I do. And they are right, I’m not winning anyway. I don’t’ think many will take it out on the other members of the party if I admit this in an interview with the Beeb.
Ethan: Wow, so we’ve really settled on being honest and truthful about a situation, even if it may make us look bad? This family really has changed!
Christine: Not for the better!
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the season finale on a special night, this Thursday!
