Samantha walks into Gretchen’s office.
Samantha: I need advice.
Gretchen: For?
Samantha: My mother isn’t well.
Carol: You’re in luck, neither is Gretchen’s.
Gretchen: My mother is fine. Irritable, borderline evil, but fine.
Sarita: Yeah, Carol, I don’t think that’s a joking matter.
Carol: Crucify me, why don’t ya?
Gretchen: I would, but we’re on company time.
Samantha: Anyway, don’t forget about me over here! I still need advice.
Gretchen: Oh, right. Fire away.
Samantha: As I was saying, my mother is unwell -
Sarita: Unlike Gretchen’s, who is in perfect health.
Gretchen: Unfortunately.
Samantha: I need advice on what to do with her.
Gretchen: I thought she was doing pretty well the last time in saw her.
Samantha: Well, she’s ninety. The declines can happen fast at that age.
Carol: It’s true, my grandmother went from gardening all on her own on hot summer days to bedridden within six months.
Gretchen: Was it from heat stroke?
Carol: Not funny!
Sarita: It was kinda funny.
Carol: But you just criticized m-
Sarita: Herdeliver’s better.
Gretchen: What do you think you want to do with your mother, Pratt?
Samantha: I don’t know. I don’t want to put her in a retirement home, but I can’t watch her all day on my own, and I think she needs constant supervision. Mentally, she’s all there, but she’s frail. I’m afraid of a fall. My house has a lot of stairs.
Carol: Have you considered an in-home care nurse during working hours?
Samantha: She would hate that.
Carol: But not living in a literal retirement home?
Samantha: That’s what makes the decision so hard! This is my mother we’re talking about, it’s not like I’m deciding what show to watch on Netflix!
Carol: The Hunting Wives.
Samantha: Carol, I wasn’t asking for Netflix recommendations.
Carol: I’m just saying, it’s a good show.
Gretchen: I liked Leanne.
Samantha: Again, I’m not looking for TV show recommendations. I’m looking for advice on what to do withy mother.
Gretchen: Don’t you have any friends you can ask? We’re kinda, you know…idiots.
Samantha: You are, but you’re still the wisest people I know. I’m certainly not asking Jeanne, she’ll sabotage me as revenge for polling better than her in the gubernatorial primary!
Gretchen: My mother goes down to the retirement home a few times a week to watch sports and play bingo with the residents. She says it’s a really nice place.
Samantha: How did that tradition start?
Gretchen: Her best friend moved in a few years ago. Then she befriended some of the other residents there, and now she heads down there to socialize. It’s good for all of us. It gets her out of our hair for a while, and it gives her some people her own age to hang out with and talk about, I don’t know, Wheel of Fortune and Polident.
Samantha: What’s the name of the retirement home?
Gretchen: Ocean Breeze Retirement Home. It’s a nice place, but probably on the pricier end.
Samantha: Price is not a concern.
Carol: Okay, Miss Big Spender!
Samantha: I’m not trying to brag or anything, I’m just saying… I’m willing to shell out whatever I need for her to be comfortable. She’s my mother, she’s responsible for everything I have.
Carol: I’m just pulling your leg. I think it’s sweet.
Samantha: I just don’t know if she’ll like living in a retirement. You know firsthand, older folks can be stubborn.
Gretchen: What ever are you talking about? Are you implying my mother is difficult?
Samantha: Um, uh…
Gretchen: Pratt, I’m joking! The woman’s a terror. I say the sky is blue, she says it’s purple. I say up, she says down. I know better than anyone that parents, while we love them, can be a pain in the ass. I dread the thought of ever having to put her in a home. She might try to stab me.
Carol: All I can say is that you have to let her down gently. Tell her you’re worried about her and just want to make sure she’s safe. Promise to visit her, make her know that this is just you prioritizing her wellbeing.
Samantha: I don’t know if she’ll listen.
Sarita: She’ll understand in time! My grandma didn’t want to go, then she loved it. This will only improve her quality of life.
Gretchen: Just think, maybe she can even play bingo with my mom!
Sarita: Your moms could become friends!
Gretchen: Well… mom doesn’t make “friends” very easily. It’ll take some work.
Samantha: My mom does. She’ll win your mom over easily.
Two weeks later…
Wilma: This is torture, Samantha Marie. After all I’ve given you, you’re abandoning me at some retirement home?
Samantha: I’ll be here every day. And, if I become governor, you can move in the governor’s mansion if you want. There, we’ll have plenty of workers around you who can help take care of you.
Wilma: I don’t want to be looked after like some frail old woman. I’m fine!
Samantha: Mom, you had a mini stroke a few months ago, you dropped a pot on your foot and broke it last month, and your memory isn’t what it used to be. You’re still vibrant and outgoing, but you’ve had your physical setbacks.
Wilma: I just don’t want to be coddled. I don’t want to be a patient. I’m a human, dammit! A perfectly-competent, smart person.
Samantha: Well, we’re here now. I think you’re really going to like it here. Just give it a chance!
Wilma: I’m leaving my home, the only home I’ve known -
Samantha: Mom, you’ve lived with me for five years. You don’t live in your old house anymore.
Wilma: Oh, right. Forget that. I never said it.
Samantha: Ah, mom. This is all for the best.
Wilma: Yeah, I guess.
Samantha: And like I said, I’ll be here every day!
Wilma: Traitor!
Samantha: Insulting me isn’t going to make me change my mind.
Wilma: I have free will! I don’t’ need your permission to leave!
Samantha: That’s very true, but you don’t have a place to live.
Wilma: You’d let your own mother be homeless?
Samantha: No, that’s why I’m paying a lot of money to put you up here, in the most luxurious retirement community in the state.
Wilma: How many other retirement homes can possibly be in this state? Eight or nine?
Samantha: Mom, just give it a chance. Don’t make my life even more stressful than it already is.
Wilma: How stressful can your life possibly be? What do you even do all day? You’re the lieutenant governor of a state no one lives in!
Samantha: You sound like Gretchen’s mother!
Wilma: I bet the governor wouldn’t abandon her mother like this!
Samantha: Only because she’s the only person on earth even more stubborn than you! She could never get her in a home, her meltdown would be heard across the world.
Wilma: So you think I’m weak?
Samantha: I think you’re more understanding, which I love about you.
Wilma: Just give me my things, I want to go set my room up.
Samantha: I could help. I don’t want you doing that all on your own!
Wilma: No, you’ve helped enough. Time for you to go and let me settle in. I’m tired… of your BS!
Samantha: Oh, mother. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Wilma: Not if I hide!
Three days later…
Lucinda: Well, I’m off.
Gretchen: Off to where?
Lucinda: Don’t look at me like that, I have a life.
Anthony: You do? Said who?
Christina: Dad, she’s a very busy woman. She goes to bingo, she comes home, she makes us dinner. That’s a busy day.
Anthony: You act like bingo’s her job.
Lucinda: Hey, it’s a living.
Anthony: It’s a hobby. You’re retired.
Lucinda: And I hope one day, you find a hobby in retirement that you love just as much.
Gretchen: So you’re going to bingo?
Lucinda: Yes, nosy.
Gretchen: Samantha Pratt’s mom just moved in, make sure you say hi to her while you’re there!
Lucinda: Why would I want to do that? Having to see her daughter at state functions is bad enough, I don’t need to deal with the mother, too.
Gretchen: It’s just called common courtesy. Her mom’s probably lonely in there, a friendly face might do her good.
Lucinda: You think I’ve got a friendly face?
Gretchen: A familiar face. Better?
Lucinda: Somewhat.
Later that day…
Bingo caller: I8.
Lucinda: Bingo! I win again!
Wilma: She has to be cheating!
Lucinda: Excuse me?
Wilma: You heard me.
Lucinda: I would never cheat. This game is my life.
Wilma: That’s pretty sad.
Lucinda: I’ve never seen you before, you new?
Wilma: I moved in three days ago.
Lucinda: Okay, let me explain a thing or two to you, then.
Betty (retirement home resident): Luce, it’s not worth it. Let it be.
Lucinda: No, I won’t let someone boss me around. She needs to know that I’m the queen of bingo, and I run this joint.
Wilma: If you run it, why haven’t I seen you before today? Were you hiding until bingo night?
Lucinda: I actually don’t live here, I just come here to visit my friends.
Wilma: Is that allowed?
Lucinda: Of course it’s allowed!
Vera (retirement home resident): Actually, it’s not allowed. We were all just too scared of you to point it out. We know your daughter is very powerful.
Lea (retirement home employee): Lucinda, if we have complaints from the actual residents, I think we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
Lucinda: Me? I’m a beloved member of the community!
Lea: Yes, you are. But not a resident. These games are technically reserved for our residents. Like Vera said, we just didn’t want to kick the governor’s daughter out.
Wilma: Oh my god. You’re Gretchen Raymond’s mom?
Lucinda: Yes, and she’ll be hearing about this egregious mistreatment in mere moments!
Wilma: Is it too late to extend an olive branch?
Lucinda: Yes! You’ve got me banned from my favorite game! What will I do with myself now?
Wilma: My daughter is Samantha Pratt.
Lucinda: No freakin’ wonder. Two troublemakers.
Lea: Lucinda, if you could please leave so we can finish our bingo game?
Lucinda: I don’t even get this one last win?
Lea: It’s the rules, I’m sorry. I didn’t make them.
Lucinda: I don’t know a more useless family than the Pratts. Evil harpies, all of them!
Wilma: Don’t bring my daughter into this!
Lucinda: Betty, wipe the floor with her.
Betty: I’ll do my best.
Lucinda: Vera, kiss my ass.
Vera: Excuse me?
Lucinda: I’ver never liked you.
Earl (retirement home resident): Are you at least coming on Tuesday for the Fever game?
Lucinda: You mean to watch them get eliminated against the stupid Aces? No thanks. Sounds about as enjoyable as spending time with this nasty little troll.
Wilma: I am not a troll!
Lucinda: You sound like Richard Nixon asserting he’s not a crook. We all know how true that was!
The next day…
Samantha: Gretchen, we h-
Gretchen: My mother is more irate than I’ve ever seen her, and you can only imagine how irate I’ve seen her in the past.
Samantha: I’m sorry.
Gretchen: It’s… it is what it is.
Samantha: I’m shocked you’re not more upset.
Gretchen: I already got the retirement home to let her play bingo there again, which is what she was really upset about.
Carol: You got them?
Gretchen: All right, Carol called them as a representative of the “office of the governor.”
Carol: It just gives her a bit of plausible deniability. Can’t be too careful!
Samantha: I’m so glad. I felt terrible that my mom caused problems for yours. I wanted them to hit it off.
Gretchen: So did I! I wanted my mom to have another friend! She needs a friend. Preferably, one she’d want to often visit, thus getting her out of my hair for an extended period of time.
Samantha: I think we can patch this up. Let them explain themselves.
Gretchen: Just, tell your mother to lie and claim she’s the reason my mom was un-banned from bingo. That’ll go a long way.
Samantha: Will she believe it?
Gretchen: I think it’s the only way to get them in a room together that doesn’t end with my mom spitting on yours.
Samantha: Would she really do that?
Carol: Absolutely.
Sarita: She bites, too.
Gretchen: What they said.
The next day…
Gretchen: We’re so glad you two agreed to meet with us.
Wilma: I didn’t have much of a choice, did I? You’re in my room at this prison.
Lucinda: I was promised ice cream. This isn’t ice cream.
Gretchen: Yes, we manipulated you both, but it’s for good reason.
Samantha: We want you two to be friends.
Lucinda: When pigs fly.
Wilma: I think I made a poor first impression.
Lucinda: Poor? That’s one way to look at it.
Wilma: You didn’t exactly endear yourself to me, either.
Lucinda: You struck first! Then you got me banned!
Samantha: But, good news!
Lucinda: I doubt there’s any good news. Not from the mouths of any of you.
Samantha: You sure about that?
Lucinda: Yes.
Samantha: Mom, tell her what you did for her.
Lucinda: You mean besides utterly screwing me over?
Samantha: Yes, besides that.
Wilma: Lucinda, they wanted me to lie to you and say I got you un-banned from bingo. It’s just not true, though. Your daughter did that, they just wanted to use it as a way to get you to like me.
Lucinda: Wow! I respect you for telling me that!
Gretchen: That’s a good starting point!
Lucinda: I’ve heard enough out of you!
Gretchen: Fair enough!
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
