The gang is on a plane to San Francisco.
Sam: This is it, kids. When this plane lands, we’ll have officially arrived in our final destination for this season. We’ll be mere feet from the finish line.
Leslie: Thank god. Who said that?
Frances: We know you need a break from us, we get it.
Leslie: It’s not you. I’m just overworked. All this traveling as worn my down.
Garry: At least we’re not traveling all around Europe. That was even more grueling.
Leslie: That’s true. But it’s still not easy on the body, or the mind. I’m looking forward to the break.
Sam: Still one more to get through! Who do we think’s winning? I’m placing my bets on Sophia, she’s been on a roll the last few weeks.
Leslie: Sam, you can’t bet on the winner of our show.
Sam: Says who?
Leslie: Me, the employees of UTN, Jacqueline…
Sam: Last I checked, this was still America, no?
Leslie: Oh, here we go…
Sam: Are you offended by me expressing my god-given rights as an American?
Diane: Betting on the outcome of a baking show is not a god-given right.
Sam: The Constitution begs to differ!
Leslie: You know what, Frances, you’re right. I do need a break from all of you.
Frances: I don’t blame you! I need one, too!
One hour later…
Sam: Home again! Back to the Golden State!
Diane: Well, we’re still hours away from home.
Sam: Don’t be a Debbie Downer!
Diane: It’s true. We’re in San Francisco, we live in LA. We’re not quite home yet, so don’t get too excited.
Sam: You sound like Garry! I hate Garry! Just let me be happy about being in my home state, Garry!
Garry: I… didn’t say… anything.
Sam: Did I ask you to start?
Leslie: Anyway, I agree with Sam that it’s good to be home-ish.
Charlotte: Home-ish, they offered me a role in the pilot for that show. I declined, I have to be choosy with my roles, given my stature.
Frances: Yet The Princess was okay?
Charlotte: It was a mistake, I’ve moved on, enough about it.
Diane: It got her on this show, that’s a good thing.
Sam: Frances didn’t agree at first. Remember that meltdown?
Frances: I didn’t want to jeopardize the integrity of the show by resorting to stunt casting.
Sam: Was it really stunt casting? She didn’t have the Oscar then, she was just some random British lady!
Charlotte: I was a major media star! A household name, some would say!
Sam: Who? Your parents?
Melanie: I think we’re all getting a little too excited about the finale, and it’s causing us to act out. We’re all friends, and more importantly, we’re all going to have to work with each other again in four months.
Leslie: Listen to Melanie, guys. Wise words from a wise woman.
Sam: Such an ass-kisser.
Leslie: If attempting to keep the peace makes me an “ass-kisser,” then so be it. I am an ass-kisser.
Sam: Glad we’ve sorted that out!
Jacqueline: Are you lot arguing yet again?
Diane: Are you surprised?
Jacqueline: That would be like being surprised that the sky is blue!
Melanie: Everyone’s just anxious about the end of the season. No big deal.
Jacqueline: I’ve learned that with this group, you can never be too sure. One minute it’s nothing, the next minute, it’s delaying the show, someone’s threatening to quit, Garry’s preparing a lawsuit…
Garry: I only threatened that once!
Sam: I forgot about that! Another reason to hate him, he was attaching my free speech!
Garry: It was a hostile workplace environment!
Leslie: But you learned to live with it and got a raise, and that’s what really matters.
Melanie: Did I miss something?
Frances: It all happened when you were out sick this winter.
Jacqueline: You’re all so lucky you had me to steer you through the crisis.
Frances: Can we get off the plane now?
Charlotte: Yeah, Oscar is ready to get to his hotel room!
Frances: You brought your Oscar with on a cross-country trip?
Charlotte: He never leaves my side.
Frances: I’ve won many Emmys, unlike you -
Charlotte: Unnecessary!
Sam: I found it very necessary.
Leslie: Paul was the one who really got us through that disaster, to be fair.
Jacqueline: And where’s Paul now?
Sam: In LA, busy being your boss.
Jacqueline: Why must you rub it in?
Sam: Because I am mean.
Diane: At least she knows! She’s a self-aware bully!
The next day, Leslie gets a phone call from Paul.
Paul: Glad you answered!
Leslie: You’re my boss, I have to answer.
Paul: We all know that you’ve sort of earned the right to do whatever you want around here. The network trusts you wholeheartedly.
Leslie: Noted.
Paul: Anyway, how’s my #1 showrunner feeling on the eve of her finale?
Leslie: I’m really proud of how this season’s come together. I think this is a great celebration of what makes America great. It really celebrates the food that fuels us all.
Paul: We could rework that into a proper tagline, I think. I’ll keep note of it.
Leslie: We’ve already released the poster and the key art, Paul.
Paul: Oh, right! Actually, I was calling you in part to discuss promotion.
Leslie: Okay.
Paul: The new season premieres on TV next week, so we’ve booked Sam and Diane on The View and several late-night shows for next week.
Leslie: That’s gonna be a problem. Neither of them will shut up about how excited they are to get home and relax. Especially Sam.
Paul: Well, this is part of the job. They are required to promote the show.
Leslie: Are there even any late-night shows left? What are they doing, Seth Meyers?
Paul: There are plenty of late-night shows and yes, Seth Meyers is one of them. Just get them to New York, that’s all I ask.
Leslie: I’ll do my best. Especially if it’s the last request you’ve got for me this season.
Paul: I actually do have one more thing to ask.
Leslie: You just said -
Paul: I know. But this is REALLY it.
Leslie: Your word means very little right now, to tell you the truth.
Paul: All I’m asking is what your plans are for next season. The ball’s in your court, we trust you and your judgment enough that you can decide what you want to do. Stay home, go abroad again, do another American adventure. Up to you!
Leslie: We’re tired Paul. Tired to the point that I think it might be getting to be time to hang it up entirely in the near future.
Paul: Excuse me?
Leslie: Don’t worry, not that soon. But we’re exhausted right now in ways I don’t recall before. We’ve witnessed a lot of baking over the years, and it’s been the same cast through it all — and also Charlotte. I sense them slowing down.
Paul: Why are you talking about your cast like they’re your aging parents who you’re considering putting in the retirement home?
Leslie: They sort of are in a way, no? They’re all insane, make me pull my hair out, and act like children despite being older than me, and I’m left to be in charge of them.
Paul: Well, you’re not going anywhere next year, so you can keep weighing the end over your vacation. For now, think about where you want to film next season.
Leslie: I sort of want to just come home.
Paul: LA home?
Leslie: Yeah, maybe. Although, another cross-country trip could be fun. It’ll be one of those. We’re not up for another international excursion. We barely made it through this season.
Paul: You’re really not kidding about being exhausted.
Leslie: No, Paul. I’m so glad for the time we’ve had, but we’re closer to the end than the beginning. It’ll be okay.
Paul: Does the cast know this?
Leslie: I won’t end it without their blessing. That I know. But it’s up to them and me, unless you cancel us first.
Paul: Not in a million years.
Leslie: I’m confident, but never cocky. I won’t ever make assumptions. Good to hear it from you, though.
Paul: Well, you go enjoy some time with the gang, and just think about a filming location for next season. And don’t forget to tell Sam and Diane about their press run!
Leslie: I’m going to try my best to forget.
Paul: You test me sometimes!
Leslie: I try to.
The next day…
Diane: Finale day! This is really it.
Charlotte: Well, not for poor Leslie. She still has to edit the episode.
Frances: Sucks for her, but we get freedom!
Garry: You don’t want to see the sights of San Francisco?
Sam: There’s a bridge ,there are trolleys, there’s Alcatraz… I’ve seen it all, time to go home.
Diane: Some of you have no adventurous spirit. I love getting to see new places.
Leslie: Good to hear, because New York is calling!
Diane: Excuse me?
Sam: Yes, excuse me?
Frances: Did you lose the footage from our New York episode or something? This is Jacqueline’s fault.
Jacqueline: I have nothing to do with anything, I’m merely sitting here minding my own business, excited for this assignment to finally reach its conclusion.
Charlotte: For now!
Sam: Don’t put that thought out into the world! We want her gone just as bad as she wants to be gone!
Jacqueline: I appreciate that sentiment.
Diane: So what is this about New York?
Sam: Oh, right.
Leslie: Sam, Diane, you two have been fortunate enough to be booked on a press tour for the new season. It’s next week, leading up to the premiere.
Sam: Hell no!
Leslie: It’s three days, Sam. And it’s in your contract.
Sam: I’ll fight it.
Garry: Oh., just suck it up and get on with it.
Sam: Did you just -
Garry: Sorry, ma’am.
Sam: Who are you calling ma’am?
Garry: I don’t even know what to say anymore.
Sam: So say nothing!
Diane: We’ll be there Leslie. It’s an honor to represent the show.
Sam: Speak for yourself!
Diane: Act like an adult.
Four hours later…
Diane: Good thing we stopped you from making that bet, huh?
Frances: This is why I say all gambling is bad.
Sam: Sophia would’ve won if I placed my bet. The universe has my back.
Diane: Ha! Good one!
Charlotte: I still think Sophia should have won. Selma’s good, but Sophia was better this week.
Garry: Selma was better all season. That comes into play.
Frances: I’m just proud of Philip for making it this far.
Sam: He shouldn’t have.
Melanie: Sam… behind you.
Sam: I said nothing here that I wouldn’t’ say to Sam’s face. His Golden Gate Bridge fell apart!
Frances: Only after I cut a load-bearing section of it.
Sam: Excuses, excuses!
Charlotte: So, wrap party tonight?
Sam: I’ll bring the wine!
Diane: And I’ll bring the cigars.
Frances: Since when do you smoke?
Diane: For forty years! But only on special occasions.
Frances: You learn something new every day.
Later, at the wrap party…
Frances: God, I’m so tired. But I wouldn’t trade this for the world.
Garry: Me neither.
Sam: I can think of a few things I’d trade it for. Top of the list — lots of money.
Leslie: I think we pay you enough money, Sam.
Sam: That’s what YOU think. I know I should be a billionaire.
Leslie: So you guys really never want this to end?
Frances: One day, everything has to end. But this? Not for a long time.
Diane: This is the best job I’ve ever had, bar none. And the best group of people.
Sam: Why, are you thinking of leaving us all unemployed?
Leslie: I just sometimes have to ponder when the time will come. One day, we’ll have to bow out gracefully.
Sam: No sense in worrying about that now. Let’s just be grateful for another successful season.
Frances: Wow, Sam. That was mostly kind.
Sam: I can be kind when I want to.
Melanie: So every time you’re around Garry you -
Sam: I make an active choice to antagonize him, yes.
Garry: Inspiring stuff.
Leslie: What a group. Thanks for ten seasons, gang. Here’s to ten more!
Sam: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves now.
What did you think of the season finale of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the season premiere of Our House next Thursday!
