Teri: Mom, are you moping again?
Betty: This house just feels so quiet!
Ralph: Quiet? Are we thinking of different houses? I can barely hear myself think half the time.
Betty: It just feels different without Mitchell and Velma.
Teri: It’s been four months. It’s time to move on.
Betty: We were a happy, vibrant family. The family’s been torn apart!
Ralph: Eleven people still live in this house. That is… too many people.
Betty: One of them is Frank!
Frank: That is factually correct, yeah. I assume you mean it in a nasty way, though.
Betty: Would I ever be nasty to you?
Frank: Is that a trick question?
Betty: I want your honest opinion.
Frank: I don’t feel safe sharing it.
Karl: Good answer, Frank.
Betty: Do you guys understand why I miss them, though?
Teri: I’ll be honest: not really. They weren’t great.
Danielle: Yeah, they were kind of… you know, they were generally polite. I choose to leave it there.
Alysa: They left a bigger bedroom for Steven and I, that’s something I’m thankful for.
Jerry: Yes, one next to our bedroom, so now we have to hear the two of you up until wee hours of the night because you kids have too much damn energy.
Alysa: We go to bed at 10:30, Mr. Delacroix.
Jerry: Like I said, wee hours of the night!
Teri: Ah, Jer, you’re officially an old man!
Jerry: I’m about to be a great-grandfather, you bet I’m an old man!
Betty: We all grew so close, whether you want to admit it or not. It’s hard to come to terms with them just being gone.
Teri: They moved to Florida, mom. They didn’t die.
Betty: When you’re my age, that’s the same thing!
Teri: You can always give them a call on the phone.
Ralph: She does love a good phone call.
Cindy: She can’t even hear half the time when she’s on the phone.
Betty: Neither can you, so don’t judge me!
Cindy: I wasn’t judging, I was just saying, that’s part of why you’re on the phone so long.
Betty: Anyway, I’ve been struck my this wave of emotion about Velma and Mitchell all over again because it’s very nearly time for our favorite fall tradition.
Teri: No.
Betty: Yes!
Steven: I, uh… having a pregnant wife has to mean I’m exempt from it, right?
Karl: Nope. Don’t even try to get out of it. It’s better for all of us if we all avoid resistance. It is futile.
Betty: The Fall Run!
Teri: Yay…
Betty: Don’t sound so excited!
Teri: That is the most excitement anyone can possibly muster up about the damn Fall Run!
Betty: The Fall Run is a classic staple of this neighborhood.
Teri: It’s tired, it’s played-out, I’m over it.
Tammi: For what it’s worth, I still like it.
Teri: Judas.
Frank: Who’s Judith?
Betty: You are such an idiot.
Teri: Judas, Frank. Aren’t you supposed to be religious?
Frank: You don’t hear someone called “Judas” every day.
Teri: You don’t have someone acting like one every day, either. But Tammi is today!
Betty: I don’t understand why you’re all being so negative about the Fall Run this year!
Teri: It was fun the first year, okay the second, even tolerable the third. At this point, though, we’re all just over it.
Steven: I was twelve for the first Fall Run. Now I’m about to have a kid.
Teri: In fairness to mom, you are having a kid far earlier than some would say you should.
Tammi: Earlier than all would say he should.
Teri: I didn’t want to jump straight to being judgmental.
Frank: That’s a first.
Betty: So, who wants to sign up for what event? It’s not Olympic-themed anymore, so no more silly sports. It’s back to the classics - tug of war, trivia dunk tank, mile run, lawn bowling and the obstacle course.
Teri: Ah, yes. Who needs field hockey and basketball when you have a “trivia dunk tank” and lawn bowling?
Ralph: I find the lawn bowling quite fun to watch. You ladies take it very seriously.
Tammi: We did lose one of our best bowlers, though.
Betty: Now there’s no doubt about it, there’s room for me on the team!
Cindy: Anyway, that does bring up a good point - with Velma and Mitchell, who’s going to pick up the slack? That’s at least four vacancies, some of us are going to take on more responsibilities this year.
Teri: I do enough. I really, I’ll be honest, I amaze myself with all that I contribute to the Fall Run. And I do it all without even wanting to take part. I’m so resilient.
Cindy: Yeah, you’re a real Olympian. The Michael Phelps of the Fall Run.
Teri: I’ve racked up the medals over the years, I’ll just say that.
Jerry: I don’t mean to be rude, and I know what I’m about to say can only ever possibly sound rude, but is there really that much slack to pick up in Mitchell’s absence? It’s not like he was a particularly active guy. He contributed almost nothing.
Cindy: He actually took this somewhat seriously. I think because he knew mom would complain for months if we lost.
Betty: We’re undefeated, it’s not about to change this year just because two people selfishly decided to leave us.
Karl: You gotta stop taking it so personally, hon. They left because they finally had the money to live out their dreams. It was never about you.
Betty: Anyway, we need volunteers. Everyone has to sign up for one or two events, enough to fill eighteen open spots. There are only ten of us now, so most of us will have to do two. Now, I have my suggestions -
Ralph: Can we just hurry this up?
Teri: Mom, none of us want to do this, anyway. Just assign everything and we’ll do what we have to do.
Betty: Okay, give me a minute.
Danielle: She had a whole sign-up board set up and everything. She was prepared.
Betty: I look forward to this time all year.
Teri: and we look forward to the day after it all year. Because that’s the day in the year when it’s as far as possible away from the next one.
Betty: Okay, doing the mile run will be Steven, Tammi and Jerry. You’re all experienced runners, we need to build up a lead with the one.
Steven: That’s the least-bad thing to be assigned, I like to run, I’m good at running, I’m fast.
Tammi: Very fast. Fast enough to embarrass me and make me look like a feeble old lady.
Teri: Well, you are about to be a grandma.
Tammi: What a horrible thing to say.
Teri: The truth is pretty horrible, yeah.
Betty: Doing the trivia dunk tank will be our favorite trivia master, Karl, with Danielle and I being the “dunkers.”
Danielle: Aww, I used to do that with Velma.
Ralph: Truly tragic.
Danielle: I mean, I will sort of miss it, in the way that you sometimes miss your crappy first apartment or first car. Nostalgia is a powerful drug.
Betty: The obstacle course will be Danielle, Teri, and Frank.
Teri: Oh, no. I am not doing something with Frank. Anyone but Frank.
Frank: I’m happy to work with anyone.
Teri: Work with someone else.
Frank: I’d be fine with that.
Betty: You asked me to assign you to whatever made sense to me, that’s exactly what I did.
Teri: This is sick. I will be protesting.
Cindy: The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
Teri: Ugh, Shakespeare. We get it, Cindy, you work in a school. You know English.
Jerry: I think we all know English.
Danielle: I don’t know, you ever hear Frank try to spit out a coherent sentence? It’s not pretty.
Betty: Tug of war will be Frank, Jerry and Steven.
Jerry: The manliest men. Correct choice.
Karl: Excuse me?
Ralph: I have no objections to that characterization. I know I work better in a kitchen than in toolshed.
Jerry: I didn’t mean it that way, Karl.
Karl: Sure.
Betty: Lawn bowling will be Cindy, Tammi and myself.
Tammi: Sounds good to me.
Betty: And finally, the pumpkin carving will be Cindy, Ralph and Karl.
Ralph: Ah, good, nice and easy. Just how I like it.
Steven: Grandma, I think you forgot someone.
Betty: Who?
Steven: My wife…
Betty: Oh, sorry Alysa!
Alysa: No problem. I’m new here.
Betty: No, I just figured with the pregnancy…
Steven: She could do the pumpkin carving!
Alysa: I already look like I ate a pumpkin, I don’t need to carve one, too.
Betty: See, all good. I have a gift for this.
Teri: You know, it doesn’t really feel like any of us are taking on that much more than last year.
Jerry: Well, that’ll happen when there’s 600 of us.
Betty: Yeah, maybe we really don’t miss them that much after all.
Later that day…
Anita: Honey, you’re here!
Alysa: I’m just here to check in on you. I’ve missed you.
Anita: You can always move back in! The house is empty…
Alysa: I’m good. I just wanted to see you, check in, let you know how the pregnancy’s going.
Anita: This is all still so crazy. My baby’s going to have a baby, and she’s left the nest. I don’t see you nearly enough anymore.
Alysa: I know. But life’s crazy right now. You know, school, and doctor appointments, and going to Steven’s track meets, it’s all very time-consuming.
Anita: I’m glad you’re doing well. I can’t wait for your little bundle of joy to come along.
Alysa: I’m really nervous.
Anita: You’ll be a great mother. You have me, and, well, not a lot of great influences at that house you’re living in. But you have me!
Alysa: Speaking of the house, I did have an ulterior motive to be here. I just needed to get out of there. They’re talking so much about the Fall Run, I can’t -
Anita: The Fall Run! Don’t mention that to me! It’s been ruined for me! First by those horrible people, and then by… I don’t want to bash your father too much. But him.
Alysa: You’re not taking part this year?
Anita: I’m a team of one now. No, I’m not taking part.
Alysa: You know, I could always ask the Bellwoods if you can be on their team. We are all related by marriage now.
Anita: I don’t think that would end well.
Alysa: We could both take part if that makes you feel better.
Anita: In your condition?
Alysa: I’ll do what I can. But we’ll be doing it together.
Anita: I don’t think Betty will even let it happen.
Alysa: She’s gotten better. There’s a bit of a truce right now. I think it’ll be okay. I’ll ask.
The next day…
Anita: I want to do every event. It’s what I always did, and I was always fantastic.
Betty: Anita, that’s beyond insane. You’re not about to do all six events when there are already ten other people in my family, and you’re not even family!
Teri: I think we’d all be okay with ceding an event of our own to Anita, for the sake of keeping the peace.
Betty: No! I’m only even letting her take part because I so adore Alysa. But she gets one event and she’ll have to be content with that. I’ll even be kind and let her pick which one she wants.
Anita: I want lawn bowling.
Betty: You cold-hearted bitch!
Alysa: I think, in hindsight, this was a poor decision.
Steven: You think?
Two weeks later…
Betty: I just can’t believe it.
Karl: It’s not that big of a deal.
Betty: We were undefeated!
Ralph: No one ever goes undefeated forever.
Betty: The 1972 Miami Dolphins.
Ralph: They lost a game in 1973! Our streak lasted longer!
Betty: Fair enough.
Jerry: Maybe Mitchell and Velma were really the glue holding it all together.
Teri: As if! Our luck just ran out.
Betty: No, this is about team chemistry. Think of who we added - this is Anita’s fault!
Cindy: She was perfectly fine in her event. We came in second in lawn bowling.
Betty: It’s the principle. We let her in, and we got punished for it.
Teri: I think the Van Hollens were just better this year.
Betty: Nonsense!
Ralph: Does this at least mean we don’t have to obsess about this every fall from now on?
Betty: No! Next year we practice more, and focus on togetherness. We allowed Anita to make us ill-prepared this year. Never again!
Alysa: Am I ever going to live this down?
Steven: Sometime round our baby’s eighteenth birthday.
Teri: You mean when the kid makes Cindy a great-great grandmother?
Cindy: Don’t even make a joke like that!
Teri: I have to do something to distract mom from this fiasco. I don’t see you helping out!
What did you think of the season premiere of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read a new episode next week!
