Tammi rushes through to door.
Tammi: Oh my god, that was awful!
Jerry: Work? Yeah, it’s not fun.
Ralph: Is constable not as fun as you thought?
Jerry: I don’t get sworn in until New Year’s Day. That being said, it’ll surely be much easier than having to work with the angry little lady over there.
Betty: I am not angry. I’m anxious. There’s a difference.
Jerry: I didn’t realize anxiety made people act like fruitcakes!
Mitchell: You can’t call people that anymore, it’s not “PC.”
Jerry: People still whine about “PC?” That’s such a 2010s thing to say.
Betty: I take my store very seriously.
Jerry: I can tell.
Tammi: You know what’s even harder? Grocery shopping for Thanksgiving, which is what I just did.
Danielle: You are braver than the US Marines. I won’t even go near the place this time of year.
Tammi: It always gets thrust upon me. I certainly never want to do it!
Teri: What all did you have to get? Did you get my contribution?
Tammi: The pre-made cherry pie? Yes, I did.
Teri: Not pre-made! It’s raw in the box!
Tammi: In the frozen section!
Teri: Well who’s going to have to put it in the oven?
Jerry: Probably mom. She’ll be up at 4 AM, watching last year’s parade and getting ready to eat by noon.
Frank: Dinner at noon, what a concept.
Betty: We do not eat at noon!
Tammi: Back before we all lived together -
Cindy: Ah, what a time!
Velma: To quote the poets of Duran Duran - I won’t cry for yesterday, there’s an ordinary world, somehow I have to find.
Ralph: There’s no ordinary world anywhere near this house.
Tammi: Anyhow, before we all lived together, and when grandma used to host Thanksgiving, she told us we had to be there by 12:30 or we shouldn’t even bother coming.
Betty: That doesn’t sound like me.
Karl: It sounds exactly like you.
Teri: It wasn’t Thanksgiving without mom making us eat dinner at lunch time and all of us falling asleep by four thirty.
Cindy: But now we eat at a far more reasonable time: two o’clock.
Betty: Hey, everyone knows that on Thanksgiving, you eat a little earlier. It just comes with the territory.
Ralph: Did you get everything on the list? I wanna start getting ready tomorrow if we have it all.
Tammi: Got it all. If someone wrote it down, I bought it. Speaking of which, a lot of people owe me a lot of money.
Teri: How much was the pie?
Tammi: Eight bucks.
Teri: Wow, you Republicans are right, these prices really are out of control.
Karl: You can thank our governor for that!
Teri: Dad, don’t get them started.
Karl: You were the one who brought up the Republicans!
Betty: We are not going to argue about politics on Thanksgiving!
Ralph: What is more Thanksgiving-like than bickering about politics?
Jerry: Besides, Thanksgiving’s in six days. That’s why I feel comfortable saying that our governor has spent his entire term undoing the disastrous impacts of the Marxist you all voted for in 2017, but freedom is just ahead.
Karl: I’m sure it is.
Six days later…
Betty: Good morning everybody! Can’t you just smell the magic of Thanksgiving in the air?
Danielle: I’m tired.
Ralph: Teri made us all stay up last night to watch a Planes, Trains and Automobiles and Home for the Holidays double feature, of course we’re exhausted.
Teri: That was over at eleven o’clock. It’s eight in the morning. If you didn’t get your full eight hours, that’s not my fault.
Jerry: We should just be happy she didn’t make use watch the cartoon about the birds again this year.
Teri: That’s on the docket for later today!
Jerry: How lucky we are.
Betty: Someone, turn the parade on!
Jerry: God, I forgot about the parade.
Betty: It’s Hoda’s last parade!
Jerry: Tragic.
Teri: Hey, listen! She entertains and delights millions of people every day! She’s America’s sweetheart! In this house, Hoda Kotb is a hero, end of story!
Ralph: I like when she drinks with Kathie Lee.
Betty: Kathie Lee’s been gone for years!
Ralph: Where have I been?
Jerry: I’d say you haven’t been relaxing in front of a TV at ten in the morning, but we all know that’s not true.
Betty: Shh! Hoda’s talking!
Teri: It’s gonna be an emotional day.
Steven: I hope Al Roker fights with a man dressed as butter again.
Three hours later…
Mitchell: You know, by this point in the day I can usually smell the turkey in the oven. I don’t smell it right now.
Teri: Your nose isn’t working? Oh my god, are you sick? Get away from me, I can not get sick for Black Friday! I have deals to get!
Velma: You know how much I love making fun of Mitchell, but I don’t smell it either.
Teri: You must be sick, too! Away!
Cindy: Let me check it, I have to put my squash casserole in anyway.
Velma: I don’t smell anything, I’m not crazy. Mitchell is, I’m not.
Teri: You’re crazy.
Cindy: Teri, the oven is not on.
Teri: Mom! You forgot to turn the oven on!
Betty: That isn’t true! I set it!
Cindy: Oh no.
Teri: What?
Ralph: Mom’s lost her mind? I’m just shocked it’s taken this long.
Frank: I hear they have great memory care facilities at Shady Maples if you’re inter-
Cindy: None of the buttons are working. You can’t turn on the stove or the oven. The oven isn’t working at all.
Betty: What?
Teri: As if Hoda’s last parade wasn’t horrific enough, now this. This is the worst Thanksgiving ever!
Danielle: What are we going to do? It’s not like we can just get a new oven today. It’s Thanksgiving!
Velma: At least we should be able to get a good Black Friday deal for the new oven.
Tammi: I’m so glad I dove into the madhouse at the grocery store just for everything I bought to go to waste.
Teri: My pie!
Tammi: I think the frozen pie will be okay. I’m more concerned about the raw turkey that’s been sitting out at room temperature for five hours, or the unbaked casseroles sitting in the fridge.
Jerry: I won’t be able to make my Thanksgiving special, either. No oven means no burnt Pillsbury rolls!
Ralph: So we have one good thing going this Thanksgiving! It’s not all bad!
Mitchell: I am not skipping Thanksgiving. It’s the greatest food day of the year. We will figure something out.
Velma: As if you have any initiative to actually do anything about it.
Mitchell: I’ll fix the oven! I’m handy!
Jerry: You are?
Velma: We can forgive you for not knowing, its not like he ever actually shows anyone that he’s handy. You’ll just have to take his word for it.
Karl: I’ll check the breaker. Maybe something’s just wrong in the kitchen or something.
Cindy: The lights are all on.
Karl:I just want to make sure.
Betty: I’m, uh… I…don’t know what to do. I just want to cry.
Ralph: Hoda would not want you to cry.
Betty: Screw Hoda!
Teri: Take that back!
Betty: I’m sorry, Hoda! I would never mean it!
Danielle: I think we all just need a good breather, something to calm us down. There’s no benefit to stressing out and panicking, it just makes it much worse.
Teri: You’re right. How about some Free Birds?
Jerry: Can I see that DVD?
Teri: Sure, why not?
Jerry throws the DVD on the ground and steps on it.
Frank: If you didn’t see that coming, I don’t know what to say.
Teri: Shut up, Frank! And, Jerry, you’re going to be so thrilled to learn that it’s also streaming on Paramount+!
Jerry: I’ll break the TV, too. Black Friday’s tomorrow. We can get a new one real cheap.
Velma: We already have to pay for a new oven, let’s not add a TV to the mix.
Jerry: It’ll be my treat!
Kark: Is the oven back on?
Betty: Does it look like it’s back on, Karl?
Karl: All right, so the oven’s definitely broken.
Betty: Thank you, Columbo.
Cindy: So, mom is not taking this Thanksgiving disruption very well.
Betty: Disruption? The entire holiday’s ruined!
Tammi: We’re all together, is that not what matters most on Thanksgiving?
Betty: No! The food is the whole point! I didn’t not waste days of my life cooking and preparing for this day just for my turkey to be raw, just for the stuffing to be cold, just for the pumpkin pies to be left unbaked!
Ralph: You know, the filling’s still pretty good unbaked.
Betty: No!
Mitchell What if we microwave everything?
Betty: I should shoot you.
Teri: Well, we have to figure out some sort of game plan here.
Tammi: Yeah, we’re not just going to sit around sulking all day.
Betty: But that’s what I feel like doing!
Steven: I could call Alysa and see if Anita will let us come over this year. I know last year wasn’t ideal, but -
Betty: I’d rather not celebrate Thanksgiving at all than do that.
Teri: Wow, the hatred runs deep if MOM is saying she’d skip Thanksgiving!
Betty: The woman’s a demon sent from HELL!
Cindy: Don’t talk about hell!
Betty: Hell! Hell! Hell!
Cindy: Stop it!
Betty: My favorite song by Pat Benatar is Hell is for Children! When I’m in the mood for AC/DC, I listen to Hell’s Bells! The hottest anyone has ever looked on screen is Jeff Bridges in Hell or High Water!
Cindy: Stop it!
Ralph: Mom has finally snapped.
Teri: Jeff Bridges, huh? Well, you are old.
Betty runs off to her room, crying.
Frank: This keeps happening every week. This is a very emotional house.
Mitchell: Well, when you live with a bunch of -
d: Don’t even finish that.
Mitchell: Wouldn’t dream of it.
Karl: I’m gonna go check on her. This is clearly taking a toll.
Teri: This is her day, after all.
Karl walks into the bedroom.
Karl: How are we?
Betty: I give up! Al that I’ve put into this yet again and it’s a disaster! Last year I had to deal with Anita, now the oven’s dead and the turkey’s spoiled!
Karl: It might not be spoiled! Ralph’s checking it, seeing if it’s salvageable.
Betty: You can only leave a thawed turkey out for two hours before it’s too dangerous to eat. It’s been out a lot longer than that, it’s ruined. Not that it matters, the damn oven’s broken!
Karl: We could’ve eaten it tomorrow!
Betty: Who eats turkey after Thanksgiving? It’s not good enough to waste a meal on it any other day!
Karl: That’s… not untrue, but it’s a good workaround at least.
Betty: What are we going to do today, then? And who knows how long until we get an oven put in! This could ruin Christmas, too!
Karl: It’s not going to ruin Christmas. Those animals out there care way more about the gifts than the presents on Christmas, anyway.
Betty: But not on Thanksgiving! Today is completely ruined.
Karl: You know, there are places that make and sell food today.
Betty: No.
Karl: Betty, just have an open mind.
Betty: This family eats a quality, home-cooked meal on Thanksgiving. I didn’t let a blizzard stop us, I didn’t let my father’s death stop me, I didn’t let that witch Anita DeFleur stop us, I didn’t even let Cindy’s pregnancy stop us, and lord knows how few people in our family wanted to deal with that head-on when it happened.
Karl: Yes, we’ve endured through a lot of bad on Thanksgiving and it went on as usual, but sometimes we can’t be that lucky. REO Speedwagon’s one of your favorite bands, you know what they say about the changes.
Betty: You gotta keep on rolling with them…
Karl: Exactly!
Betty: I don’t want to! I just want to go back to bed!
Karl: Get the covers off of you, Betty.
Betty: I don’t want to!
Karl: Do you need just a bit of time to yourself?
Betty: Yes!
Karl: All right. I love you, we all do, please don’t lock yourself away for hours. Today can be salvaged.
Betty: If you say so…
Karl: Okay, all right, I’m gonna move that pillow because I don’t want you to suffocate yourself.
Betty: No… just let it.
Karl: You’ll feel better.
Karl walks out to the living room.
Teri: Where is she?
Karl: She’s not ready to come out just yet.
Jerry: Is she this bent out of shape over a turkey? It’s not really that good of a food.
Teri: I just think of the poor bird that had to die just for us to waste it.
Ralph: Oh my god, Teri, don’t put it like that, it’s awful.
Teri: It’s true! It’s sad!
Mitchell: So what are we going to do for dinner?
Cindy: We have food here. Some of it’s cooked.
Karl: I suggested a restaurant. Your mother didn’t appreciate it.
Teri: The Bellwoods going to a restaurant for Thanksgiving? That’s basically blasphemy to her!
Karl: I could tell as soon as I said it.
Ralph: Let’s just all watch that dumb bird movie while we think of a plan forward.
Jerry: I hate this day.
Teri: I love this day!
Cindy: I don’t know how anyone could say that with a straight face.
Teri: How does anyone not love Free Birds?
Jerry: By being over six years old.
Mitchell: I find it fun. Whimsical, even.
Velma: Idiot.
One hour later…
Betty: I’ve made a decision.
Teri: Okay, RuPaul. We’ll be silent.
Betty: I don’t know what that means, and I’m too sad to ask. That being said, I would like to go out to eat.
Ralph: Oh my god. It’s happening, people!
Cindy: The sky is falling!
Betty: I don’t want to be the person who ruined Thanksgiving.
Cindy: No, the person who ruined Thanksgiving is whoever built our oven. It’s only five years old!
Ralph: I choose to blame it on Mitchell. He made that chili a few days ago, that had to have something to do with it.
Velma: I concur.
Cindy: I guess we should all go get ready to go eat. We weren’t expecting to be seen in public, we don’t look… presentable.
Danielle: Who is “we?”
Cindy: I say this livingly… you are included in that.
Danielle: These are my Thanksgiving sweats with a breathable elastic waist. Perfect for eating copious amounts of food!
Cindy: I’m wearing mine, too. I don’t want anyone besides this family to see them. I’m going to change. Oh, and I’m putting makeup on. I think we all should.
Teri: We got Joan Rivers over here, who woulda thought?
Betty: It’s late, let’s get moving!
Teri: It’s one in the afternoon.
Betty: That’s late for Thanksgiving! Chop chop!
Two hours later…
Karl: It took a while, but I’m glad we finally did find a restaurant that could take on our party.
Teri: I don’t like buffets, dad.
Karl: It’s all we could get into!
Jerry: Shockingly, restaurants are pretty full on Thanksgiving and reservations are encouraged.
Betty: It’s disgusting is what it is.
Anita: Oh my god, you’re kidding me!
Betty: No! No!
Alysa: Steven!
Steven: What are you doing here, Alysa?
Alysa: Well, mom -
Anita: No. Ignore these people.
Teri: Where’s the husband, Anita? Or the rest of your family? This is sad, making your daughter spend Thanksgiving with just you.
Anita: You’ve always been nothing but a nosy -
Alysa: Mom! It’s Thanksgiving!
Tammi: Where is Rich, though?
Alysa: At home, watching football. The rest of the family couldn’t fly in because of some storm, we just decided to come here, which is what we should have done last year.
Betty: Well, this has been lovely, but let’s go get our table.
Alysa: Mom, can I sit with them?
Anita: We’ve already taken this table.
Alysa: It’s a buffet, it’s not like we have a waiter bringing us any food.
Anita: Just go, kiddo. I know you want to be with your boyfriend for Thanksgiving. No one wants to be with me.
Betty: Exactly! Bye-bye!
Cindy: Mom…
Betty: What?
Cindy: Let her sit with us.
Betty: Eating Thanksgiving in a restaurant with Anita! This is the worst Thanksgiving ever.
Anita: The feeling’s mutual.
Ralph: I think we’ll be hearing about this one for years to come.
Betty: I will never, ever, ever let this go!
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
