Marietta and her team are meeting in her hotel room.
Karen: Can I be honest with you?
Marietta: Have you… not been?
Karen: I never expected to get this far.
Marietta: Excuse me?
Tammy: You said you could make her a frontrunner.
Karen: Everyone says that! You start a campaign with optimism and hope. It rarely works out.
Tammy: Okay.
Amy: She’s such a politician.
Karen: No, I’m a political consultant.
Marietta: Im hoping this turns a corner.
Karen: Marietta, you are the polling leader in the Democratic presidential primary!
Marietta: Wow! You’re kidding!
Karen: You officially took the lead today, after NBC News had up at 31%. Jenny’s back at 25% and Eleanor’s at 20%.
Marietta: Wow, that’s, uh… a lot higher than 16%.
Amy: Is that where you were?
Marietta: Yeah, and I thought that was pretty high.
Karen: As we already knew, you were the big winner of that debate. You’ve done a great job capitalizing on it, too. Today Show, Jimmy Fallon, the MSNBC spree, Erin Burnett.
Amy: She’s Don’s favorite. I believe he’s got something of a crush on her.
Marietta: Thank you, Amy, for that excellent addition to the conversation.
Amy: You’re welcome.
Karen: The question is now, what’s next.
Marietta: I don’t know, you’re the campaign manager.
Karen: It was rhetorical.
Marietta: It’s a little too early in the morning for me to detect that.
Karen: It’s ten AM.
Marietta: That’s early. Hoda’s on now.
Tammy: For now.
Marietta: I’m gonna cry.
Karen: You do know the president has to wake up quite early, no?
Marietta: We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Henrietta: Have we considered Hoda for White House Press Secretary?
Marietta: That’s an idea. Karen, get on that.
Karen: I’m not, um, the, uh… who’s the person who would call to set up meetings?
Amy: You, apparently.
Karen: I’m not your secretary.
Marietta: If I win, you could be any cabinet secretary you want. I take care of my people.
Amy: Not Chief of Staff, though! That’s mine!
Marietta: We’ve never settled that.
Tammy: I could’ve been a cabinet secretary.
Marietta: Oh, I remember that saga!
Tammy: Sheryl was a sinking ship. I mean, what president grows so unpopular that they have to abandon their re-election campaign just to keep the party alive?
Marietta: I can think of a few now.
Karen: We better hope it doesn’t happen to Delphy, we can beat him hands down.
Tammy: So what is this mythical path forward?
Karen: We keep pushing.
Amy: Wow, that’s bold. Here I was thinking you’d suggest she drop out.
Karen: I mean we’re going to keep making appearances. You’re the leading candidate for president right now, we can book you on any show you want.
Marietta: SNL.
Karen: Lorne is a friend, but I don’t know about that one.
Marietta: Live from New York, it’s Marietta!
Karen: I’ll give him a call, I can’t promise anything.
Marietta: All I ask!
Karen: Beyond that, though, I’m thinking we get you on some podcasts, maybe you can make some TikToks with some of the big content creators. We can do Hot Ones! You need to appeal to every demo you can, including youth voters.
Marietta: I don’t know what those words mean. What is a “content creator?”
Henrietta: They basically make a living off of filming short videos for TikTok.
Amy: They make dumb videos for dumb people and become famous off of it.
Henrietta: Yeah, pretty much.
Marietta: And how does that make me President?
Henrietta: Um… I’m still trying to figure that out.
Karen: We need to get the younger voters engaged in this campaign. We’re also sitting down with 60 Minutes with Milton, that’s to get the old folks. Shannon Sharpe says he’d like to sit down with you.
Marietta: The football player?
Karen: The shot of Club Shay Shay!
Henrietta: But also the football player, yes.
Karen: That can appeal to the black voters.
Marietta: That’s a little stereotypical, don’t you think?
Karen: He has a large listening base comprised mostly of black listeners. It’s the best way to get your name out to them.
Marietta: Sure. Why not?
Amy: Speaking from experience, the best way to appeal to the elderly is by guest starring on Blue Bloods. They love that shit! It’s their favorite thing, they even trust Tom Selleck to sell them reverse mortgages because of it.
Marietta: When do we actually meet with voters? Retail politics is what I’m best at!
Karen: Well, today, obviously. But we can do rallies and campaign events even while we’re doing media appearances. It’s looking like you’ll survive well past the first four states, it might be worth it to meet with voters in New York or California or Virginia or wherever we have to go for these interviews.
Marietta: This sounds so exhausting.
Karen: It’s a presidential run, you knew it wouldn’t be a picnic.
Marietta: That I did.
Henrietta: Just think, we’re all just as tired as you! That doesn’t help you any, I just needed to express my absolute exhaustion to anyone that’ll listen. I’m so tired. Not just physically but also, well, mentally. I’m, like, on the edge here, guys.
Amy: You look… good.
Henrietta: That look did not suggest you believed what you were saying.
Amy: Just take the half-compliment.
Karen: The good news is, Thanksgiving is this week. You guys get two days to rest before it’s back to the campaign trail.
Marietta: Wow, how generous of you to give us that.
Karen: I thought so.
Three days later…
Patty Lynn: Martin! The next president is here!
Marietta: Oh, mom, don’t.
Patty Lynn: I’m not allowed to speak the truth?
Kathleen: She doesn’t want you to jinx it.
Marietta: I also don’t personally believe it myself.
Patty Lynn: What do you mean you don’t believe it?
Marietta: I have put thought into maybe being the nominee, but the idea of winning is just too insane to me. I know I am running for president, and I know I’ve just taken a lead in the polls, but I still can’t imagine actually winning. I never imagined it could be a realistic goal.
Martin: I always knew you were headed for big things. After that debate, the people of this country had no choice but to see it, too. You’re the only one ready to turn this ship around after the disaster of the last four years.
Milton: Are we talking politics again? It’s Thanksgiving, must we ruin with such talk?
Marietta: You sound like me.
Moira: I tell him that all the time.
Milton: The Senate changes a person.
Moira: Well, I didn’t know you in this way before you were in the Senate.
Milton: I was freer. Lighter. I had a sense of joy.
Marietta: And no longer! It’s a disease.
Milton: And yet, I can’t quit it.
Kathleen: I’m not sure how much longer you’ll be able to keep outrunning the political lean of our state, so it might quit you first.
Patty Lynn: No upsetting talk on Thanksgiving!
Maria: Oh, god, why did I have two children?
Marietta: Kids! You’re here!
Maria: Us and the rugrats, yes.
Kyle: Don’t mind her, the kids were just screaming and carrying on the entire drive here.
Maria: And the entire walk up to the house, and when I pulled Katharine off of that inflatable Santa’s sleigh your grandmother’s got in the yard.
Marietta: These are such precious years in a child’s life.
Maria: That’s a word for it.
Kyle: Kids! Come see grandma!
Katharine: Grandma!
Maria: I need to become an alcoholic.
Patty Lynn: Dear, are you all right?
Maria: Holidays are a test on any mother. Especially one that tries to had some sort of a life outside the home. It means no break from your children. It means being stuck at home all day. It means… happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
Marietta: Happy Thanksgiving, Maria. I love you, it’s so wonderful to see you.
Maria: I love you too, I miss you. Life is so hard!
Marietta: Oh… boy. Now she’s crying onto my shoulder.
Kyle: She does that sometimes. It’s, uh… she’s got a lot on her plate.
Kathleen: Don’t we all?
Patty Lynn: What do you do in a day? Play along to The Price Is Right, Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy?
Milton: Mom and aunt Kathleen are fighting, Thanksgiving’s in full swing now!
One hour later…
Eliza: Marietta, how are you? All this attention has to be jarring.
Marietta: It’s a lot. I mean, one day I’m just a mayor, the next minute my campaign manager’s waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me that we just locked down Iowa because Caitlin Clark endorsed me or that I got invited to do a guest spot on RuPaul’s Drag Race or that the Secret Service is trying to get in touch to set up a security detail for me.
Eliza: Wow! Caitlin Clark? That’s crazy!
Marietta: I’m gonna be honest, I thought you’d find the Secret Service thing to be the biggest deal.
Eliza: I thought you all got that.
Marietta: No! Only the frontrunners! The government is recognizing me as a frontrunner! Me and Jenny Ross are the only ones to get protection so far.
Eliza: I’m so excited for you. We’re going to see each other a lot less if you do win, we’re already seeing each other less now, but the country does need you.
Marietta: You guys can visit the White House whenever you want! I’ll need some people there to keep me sane, that town’s a jungle. All these wild cats and venomous snakes chasing after you, trying to wear you down.
Eliza: You know, I have always wanted to tour the white House.
Marietta: Can I be honest with you? I’m gonna ask Tammy something today.
Eliza: Chief of Staff? I know Amy wants that.
Marietta: No! I want her to be my running mate!
Eliza: Wow, that’s a big ask.
Marietta: Shh, I hear her coming!
Kate: Tammy, I don’t know why you insist on talking so stupid.
Tammy: I’m just saying, the turkey could be undercooked and give us all food poisoning and we’d never know it until it was too late.
Ellie: I think we’d be able to tell.
Tammy: One Thanksgiving, I had my family over and the bird looked fine, it tasted fine, we all enjoyed it… bam, hours later, we’re all falling over, sick as dogs.
Ellie: Did you bake the stuffing in the bird.
Tammy: Who doesn’t?
Ellie: Okay, so it was salmonella.
Tammy: I would never poison my guests. It was clearly my sister getting the bird out too early and leaving it undercooked.
Kate: If that’s what you need to believe, sure.
Marietta: Tammy, can I ask you something?
Tammy: Oh boy, ladies. I’m in trouble!
Patty Lynn: Ten minutes until dinner! Putting the biscuits in now!
Kate: Biscuits in ten minutes?
Milton: Mom has the recipe perfected. Don’t worry.
Kate: I’m not worried, as long as there’s turkey and stuffing and pumpkin pie, my Thanksgiving’s made.
Ellie: Is Marietta’s daughter-in-law usually this, uh… depressed?
Maria: It’s just, you know, life itself is so hard and I’m always so worried I’m letting my girls down and not letting them live up to their full potential. I just want them to have good lives, you know?
Mitch: You know, I was the President once. You think life’s hard now? Get elected president.
Martin: Don’t listen to him, Maria. You’re doing right by the girls, they’re so happy and you’re giving them good lives.
Marietta: Tammy! In here!
Tammy: Sorry, I got distracted watching the human aquarium.
Marietta and Tammy walk into the laundry room.
Marietta: I have a proposal.
Tammy: Oh my god, it’s so sudden! We’ve only been dating f-
Marietta: Tammy, get real.
Tammy: What’s the proposal? Clearly it’s serious, if you’re not in a joking mood.
Marietta: Tammy, I’m the frontrunner for President now. I might not win, but it looks good, and in order for me to cope with the stress that bring son, I need to know I have a strong team moving forward.
Tammy: Yes? I’ll be here for you, you know that. Amy, too, unfortunately.
Marietta: Tammy, I want you to be my running mate. Landfiield/Yarborough 2025, how’s that sound?
Tammy: Are you kidding me?
Marietta: What?
Tammy: That’s insane! You’re joking! It’s too unrealistic to even be a funny joke.
Marietta: I mean it.
Tammy: Marietta, be serious. I’m seventy-seven years old. We’re both white women who live in Louisiana.
Marietta: You can change your residency back to New York!
Tammy: Because that’s the biggest problem with the proposal!
Marietta: Constitutionally, it is.
Tammy: I add nothing to the ticket. I’m old news.
Marietta: People said the same about me!
Tammy: I’d be eighty-six when we left office!
Marietta: So?
Tammy: I don’t know if I’m going to be alive then. Do I need to spell that out for you?
Marietta: Tammy, you’re in great health!
Tammy: The voters don’t want an ancient vice president. Besides, like I said, I don’t appeal to anyone that wouldn’t already be on your side. In fact, my age would repel voters.
Marietta: You’re qualified! I just want a qualified team!
Tammy: Sometimes, the most qualified person for the job doesn’t get it.
Marietta: Dede’s barely any younger than you!
Tammy: She’s already served one term, and she’s still six years younger than me. That’s not nothing.
Marietta: Just consider it!
Tammy: I won’t. The no is final, for your own sake.
Maria: Oh, I didn’t mean to intrude, I was just asked to get the tablecloth.
Marietta: Private conversation, Maria!
Tammy: Also, don’t cry, honey. You have so many reasons to be happy! You’re young, you’re beautiful, you have a great husband and two incredible kids and a good career. You could be old like us.
Maria: Don’t say that!
Marietta: All right, here’s the table cloth, now leave us be.
Maria: All right, fine!
Marietta: Okay, I’m going to have to clear things up with her after this.
Tammy: She’ll get over it. Still, though, there’s no conversation to be had here. I don’t know where you even got the idea.
Marietta: I got if from clearly seeing how qualified you are! I couldn’t want a better government partner!
Tammy: I’ll be there, just not as VP
Marietta: If you don’t want it, that’s fine, but I know the risk of picking you, and I’m not afraid of them. If I’m going to be president, you should trust me to pick a running mate at least.
Tammy: I get wanting what’s comfortable, but there are better candidates than this. You heard Karen talk about how we need to appeal to more demographics. So many voters, unfortunately, are not ready for a ticket of two women. It’s what happened to the Koobach/Raymond ticket. Besides, we need some diversity. I’m a dinosaur.
Marietta: All right, fine.
Tammy: Can we go enjoy Thanksgiving please?
Marietta: Sure, as much as one can ever “enjoy” Thanksgiving.
Two days later…
Karen: Everyone have a good Thanksgiving?
Marietta: Eh.
Tammy: I had lots of good food at Marietta’s. I was also offered the running mate position, that was wild.
Karen: Whose? Not ours.
Amy: Yeah, I would’ve heard of it if that were try. Right?
Marietta: It didn’t go anywhere, it was just a thought.
Karen: Marietta, Tammy adds nothing to the ticket.
Tammy: Hey! That’s not true!
Karen: That’s not what you said about yourself!
Tammy: I get to say it about myself. She does not. Those are the rules.
Amy: I’m just still in disbelief about being left out of the loop.
Henrietta: I wasn’t. I guess I’m the frontrunner for Chief of Staff.
Amy: Don’t you even…
Karen: I’m just glad it was diffused before it became a thing. Because you are not picking Tammy.
Tammy: Jeez Louise, stop picking on me!
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
