The family is sitting down for dinner.
Jerry: Did you guys hear the big news in town?
Teri: There’s big news in town? You sure?
Ralph: Maybe he meant some other town.
Teri: He sure didn’t mean Lakey!
Jerry: I did mean Lakey!
Teri: Well then it’s not going to be “big” news.
Mitchell: I’ve heard it. It’s not.
Jerry: It is!
Cindy: just get on with it, honey. No one wants to play a guessing game while they ear pork chops.
Jerry: Tom Halley resigned today!
Danielle: Who the hell is that?
Karl: I’ll be honest, even I don’t know.
Ralph: And he knows everyone!
Jerry: Tom Halley is our town constable. He’s moving to Arizona, so he had to quit.
Velma: We have one of those?
Mitchell: If he's so constipated, he should just take a laxative instead of telling the whole town about it.
Jerry: Oh my god, I can’t believe you guys!
Teri: You can’t believe this family isn’t up to date on civics?
Jerry: This is not complicated stuff. We got his campaign flyers every four years!
Teri: Those suck! I throw them away!
Jerry: You throw things away without reading?
Teri: I know who I’m voting for, I don’t need flyers.
Jerry: How can you know who you’re voting for if you don’t know the job exists?
Teri: I vote by party.
Frank: Of course you do!
Tammi: Frank, stay out of this.
Teri: No, I want to hear from Frank! Elaborate!
Frank: You’re so partisan, a blind one, too! You don’t even know what you’re voting on!
Teri: And you’re not?
Velma: I mostly just randomly alternate parties. Fill in the top bubble on one race, the bottom on another. If there are three bubbles, that does add a bit of confusion, but I try to give an equal amount of votes to all parties.
Teri: And your vote counts just the same as mine. Amazing.
Velma: Is there something wrong with the way I vote?
Teri: Wrong enough to qualify for institutionalization.
Cindy: This has been a fun conversation, hasn’t it been? Let’s talk about something fun! The Voice, anyone?
Danielle: Who watches The Voice?
Betty: I watch The Voice!
Danielle: I stand corrected.
Jerry: I wasn’t done.
Cindy: Of course you weren’t, you never are.
Jerry: Tom Halley resigned as constable, and there’s going to be a special election to replace him. I’m running!
Ralph: Good god, not again!
Karl: Wasn’t last time embarrassing enough, losing because your family forgot to vote?
Jerry: What?
Cindy: He’s old, Jerry! It might be time to put him in the home!
Karl: Don’t even joke like that!
Velma: The only person we’re putting in the home, is Mitchell.
Mitchell: What did I do?
Velma: You exist.
Ralph: Man, everyone wants to lock everyone else up.
Teri: Politics in a nutshell!
Jerry: Speaking of wanting to lock people up, constable!
Teri: Is that what that job does? I never knew what it entailed. I thought it had to do with accounting.
Jerry: That’s comptroller.
Teri: I thought that was policing?
Jerry: That’s constable.
Teri: Well I know that now!
Velma: Again, I didn’t even know we had one of those!
Teri: Your lack of government knowledge has been well established today.
Betty: I can’t vote for a Republican to run law enforcement, I donated six dollars to Black Lives Matter in like 2015. It goes against my values!
Ralph: Oh, here we go.
Betty: Did I not always teach you kids to honor your values?
Ralph: You did.
Betty: Who would I be to abandon mine?
Jerry: What exactly are you accusing me of?
Betty: Nothing, I just think we need a constable with a more liberal outlook on policing.
Jerry: I wouldn’t be out patrolling the streets, I’m just enforcing ordinances, arresting those who don’t pay taxes or respond to subpoenas, that kind stuff.
Ralph: Arresting tax cheats? That’ll be tough for you.
Jerry: I’ll make do.
Tammi: So, dad… why do you want this job, actually?
Jerry: You know, I’m not fully sure.
Karl: That’s probably an answer you should come up with if you want to win over voters.
Jerry: Eh, I’ve got time.
One week later…
Steven: Grandpa, I got yelled at putting your signs out.
Alysa: Yeah, apparently we were on “public property” and you’re not allowed to put signs out there.
Jerry: Did you move them?
Alysa: The signs were confiscated.
Steven: We tried to get them back, they wouldn’t give them back.
Jerry: Who is “they?”
Steven: Two guys. One of them had a hat on.
Jerry: That narrows it down. What kinda hat?
Steven: It said, uh… I think it was “Lyman for Lakey.”
Jerry: Mark Lyman!
Steven: Who is that?
Jerry: The guy running against me!
Steven: Someone’s running against you?
Jerry: That’s how elections tend to work.
Steven: You haven’t mentioned him.
Jerry: I think it’s best to just not think about him.
Steven: Wow, you hate hi.
Jerry: He did just steal our signs!
Alysa: Now that I think about it, where else could we put the signs BUT private property?
Jerry: Exactly. He tricked a couple of teenage kids, he’s trash.
Mark: Who are you talking about?
Jerry: You!
Steven: That’s the guy!
Jerry: Got it, Steven. Couldn’t have inferred that.
Betty: Jerry, are you being rude to the customers?
Jerry: No, my opponent is here.
Betty: Oh, hi sir! What are your thoughts on criminal justice reform?
Jerry: Are you kidding me?
Betty: I have to be an informed voter!
Mark: Well, ma’am, I believe policing is a complex iss-
Jerry: Get outta here, and stop pandering to my mother-in-law!
Betty: I wanted to hear the man’s vision! What if I align with him?
Jerry: That’s what I’m afraid of!
Mark: Are you suppressing voters now?
Jerry: Trust me, no one can ever suppress her from doing whatever she wants.
Mark: That’s good! Independence is so important1
Jerry: He’s trying to schmooze you!
Betty: Consider me schmoozed!
Jerry: Betty…
Alysa: This is awkward.
Steven: Yeah, I’m gonna go to the stockroom.
Alysa: I’m going with!
Jerry: You don’t work here! Don’t leave me alone with them!
Betty: Are you scared?
Jerry: A little bit.
Betty: That’ll teach you not to respect me!
Later that night…
Jerry: Cindy!!! Your mother…
Teri: Oh, I can’t wait for this.
Betty: I did nothing wrong!
Jerry: She’s voting for Lyman!
Mitchell: And we’ve had to hear about it all day.
Velma: Good! Work shouldn’t be fun! My work isn’t fun!
Danielle: We know. You make it so known to all who are near.
Velma: My job sucks!
Ralph: You didn’t always complain about it.
Velma: Well, they didn’t previously force me to work two-hour overtime without OT pay.
Ralph: Yeah, that’ll do it.
Danielle: We’ve heard about it every day for a week.
Velma: And you’ll hear about it until it’s over!
Cindy: Mom, why are you voting for Lyman?
Betty: The same reason you didn’t vote for your husband last time!
Teri: Wow, she dragged you!
Cindy: She… she did not!
Betty: I did.
Jerry: Why didn’t you vote for me when I ran for mayor?
Cindy: I didn’t vote for you because I was worried being mayor would take up all of your time. Mom didn’t vote for you because she didn’t agree with you.
Teri: No one voted for him!
Jerry: What? You all comforted me so much, you all claimed to feel so bad! I thought Cindy was just too busy to vote!
Cindy: Oh, no… I went. I just left it blank.
Jerry: This just keeps getting worse!
Frank: Hey! You could still win this time!
Teri: Well, it’s over.
Frank: It is not over!
Teri: The more you insist it’s not, the more it is!
Frank: What did I ever do to you?
Teri: Exist!
Karl: Teri! Enough!
Teri: Sorry, Frank.
Frank: Oh my god, did she just apologize? To me?
Teri: Don’t make me take it back.
Jerry: So who all is voting for Mark Lyman?
Ralph: I’m an undecided voter. Either Lyman or blank.
Cindy: At least he’s considering not voting against you!
Jerry: This is awful! I can’t even win over my own family for a constable race! Who even cares who the the constable is? It’s an almost-useless job!
Danielle: Can I ask why you’re running, then?
Jerry: I am so bored! I need something to do! Being mayor could’ve been fun!
Cindy: Sorry.
Betty: You have a job! A great one, I might add.
Jerry: And I won’t quit it, but I need something else besides working at my mother-in-law’s store three days a week.
Betty: All right, I can give you five days. You drive a hard bargain!
Jerry: When did I ask for that?
Betty: I’m not sure what you want from me, then.
Jerry: Nothing! I need something beyond the store to branch out into. I’m hoping being constable can be that thing.
Velma: I almost get it now.
Jerry: Progress!
Betty: I will consider voting for you now. If you’d run as an independent, that’d be even better, but -
Jerry: I actually want to win, not just look like a crazy person running for the sake of running.
Teri: But, you are a crazy person.
Jerry: They don’t need to know that!
Karl: I’m glad you’ve finally figure out an answer as to why you’re running. You might need to tell the voters something different, but at least we get it now.
The next week, at the HOA meeting…
Anita: Last order of business! Next Tuesday, Lakey will be electing a new constable in a special election. This is not a high-profile race, clearly, most people are not tuned in. That’s why we feel the need to encourage people to get out and vote in this critical election. The future of policing in our town is on the line with this race, and those of us on the board are unanimous in our encouragement that residents of the community vote to elect Mark Lyman as our next constable. In accordance to HOA rules, Lyman lawn signs will be distributed to all homes in the neighborhood due to this endorsement. It is your right to do with them as you see fit. Signs for candidate Jerry Delacroix will not be permitted for display in the community.
Betty: Excuse me?
Anita: Oh, Betty! Didn’t see you there!
Betty: You’re telling me I don’t have a right to display the lawn sign for the candidate of my choosing?
Anita: That’s always been the rule. HOA permission is needed for display of all political signage. We rarely endorse candidates, but we think an endorsed for a race on the local level is appropriate.
Betty: This is a fascist dictatorship!
Teri: Mom, you’re making a scene.
Betty: I will not be told that our whole neighborhood has to put up signs for my son-in-law’s opponent and just take it lying down! This is about me! You’re trying to hurt me!
Anita: The world does not revolve around you.
Betty: Yes it does!
Tammi: Okay, you just look crazy now.
Betty: Like I care!
Cindy: Mom, you’re not even voting for Jerry.
Betty: I am now!
Anita: If you wish to file a motion to appeal the HOA board ruling, you’re free to do so, but lashing out in public is not going to help your case.
Betty: You are done for, Anita! Done!
Anita: All right, I think we’re done here.
Cindy: Yeah, mom, I think it’s time to go home.
Betty: Am I the only one who actually cares to fight this?
Karl: The rest of us recognize it as a fool’s errand.
Betty: And now you call me a fool?
Karl: No, I… let’s just go.
Betty: This isn’t over, Anita!
Anita: It’s over.
One hour later, at the house…
Betty: I just can’t believe the nerve of her!
Mitchell: I know!
Betty: You don’t even know what we’re talking about!
Mitchell: I just wanted to be part of the conversation!
Velma: Stop being such a pick-me. Am I using that right, Steven?
Steven: More or less.
Jerry: Who has nerve, and why?
Cindy: Anita said the HOA is endorsing Lyman and they’re handing out his signs to every house.
Jerry: Excuse me?
Betty: I stood up for you!
Jerry: Oh no.
Betty: What do you mean, “oh no?”
Jerry: You vouching for me can only make Anita dig her heels in even more.
Betty: I thought you’d be happy to see I came around on voting for you!
Jerry: I appreciate the support, but there’s a time and a place.
Danielle: What sway does Anita even have, anyway?
Ralph: This neighborhood’s basically her cult.
Frank: Good thing we have a connection!
Steven: No! I’m not asking Alysa to fix your mess again. It’s a mood killer. She leans in for a kiss, I gotta say “No, my great-grandmother made your mom angry again, can you fix it?” Then we just quietly go back to doing homework.
Jerry: Okay, but this is important.
Steven: I’m not doing it anymore!
Teri: Stand your ground, kid.
Six days later…
Karl: Oh my god, this neighborhood. This town! It’s infested! And why do Lyman’s signs around the neighborhood have Anita’s face on them?
Ralph: Like I said, it’s a cult!
Tammi: Does anyone know where dad is?
Karl: He was talking to some guy at the store about the campaign. Prospective voter, I think.
Betty: Since I’m now a supporter, I allowed it. Democracy in action!
Tammi: I have news.
Betty: Is the polling bad?
Tammi: Polling? It’s a race for town constable where maybe five hundred people will vote. No one is polling.
Betty: I would knock doors and poll, but then gain, I’m not the campaign manager.
Tammi: I have a real job, I can’t spend time doing that.
Velma: Besides, almost every house has got a Lyman sign out anyway.
Tammi: I have a feeling it’s not going to matter!
The door swings open.
Jerry: Well, I just locked down a vote! Took a while, but this guy let me explain my record and my qualifications and he agreed I was the right choice.
Tammi: One of grandma’s pals from the Action News called. Mark Lyman is turning himself into the police tonight for property tax evasion. He’s suspending his campaign immediately.
Jerry: You’re kidding!
Tammi: Nope!
Teri: Aww, it’s a happy ending. How sweet.
Ralph: Well, a man’s going to jail.
Teri: He didn’t pay his taxes, he deserved it.
Ralph: How iconic that taxes, a practice Jerry doesn’t believe in, is going to be the sole reason he gets elected, now unopposed?
Jerry: Hey, I could’ve won before this happened! I had the momentum!
Ralph: Sure ya did, bud.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
