Betty is outside taking down Halloween decorations.
Velma: Betty, do you need any help?
Betty: Help? Why would I need help?
Velma: You on that ladder scares me.
Betty: I may be old, but I’m not incapable of doing things for myself.
Velma: I just saw you almost lose your balance.
Betty: The ladder’s just a bit slippery.
Velma: Okay, I’ll let you be.
Betty: Thank you, I appreciate it. I work well on my own. I have a very unique way of decorating.
Velma: I’ll take your word for it.
Velma walks in the house.
Teri: Did you interrupt mom’s process?
Velma: Apparently.
Teri: She’s very particular.
Jerry: I’m just glad she’s finally taking down the Halloween decorations. It’s the middle of November, I’m sick of looking at ghosts and ghouls and skeletons.
Frank: Don’t forget the witches!
Mitchell: Nah, those are all in the house!
Velma: Oh, are we?
Mitchell: I didn’t name names! You got a guilty conscience?
Velma: I’ll show you a guilty conscience!
Danielle: Oh no, she’s grabbed the broom.
Velma: Come here, you assh-
Steven: Hey, guys! Big news!
Tammi: Just in time.
Cindy: Yeah, you saved us from a domestic violence situation, we were about to end up on the news.
Teri: Mom has friends at the news.
Ralph: No, mom has victims at the news.
Teri: I think they all enjoyed her time there.
Ralph: I think they'd say otherwise.
Steven: Does no one care what my big news is?
Tammi: I think we were all just so concerned with the impending disaster that you broke up. Go ahead.
Steven: Alysa got her license!
Teri: Wow, stop the presses!
Tammi: Don’t be so sarcastic.
Teri: I was hoping for some juicer gossip than that, to be honest.
Danielle: You were expecting juicy gossip? Like what, the school cafeteria running out of chicken nuggets?
Teri: Hey, some crazy shit happened in school, at least back in my day.
Ralph: But you caused most of it.
Teri: That’s beside the point.
Steven: Like I said, Alysa got her drivers license!
Velma: Good for Olivia Rodrigo!
Betty: Ahh! Karl, help me!
Jerry: Do you need help with her?
Karl: No, I’m used to this.
Teri: How does she always fall off ladders?
Ralph: I’m honestly sort of surprised she doesn’t do it more.
Steven: Mom, I’m one of the only kids at school that doesn’t have one now.
Tammi Yes, and?
Danielle: Oh, I know that one! That’s by Ariana Grande!
Teri: Danielle, game night was three nights ago.
Danielle: And I’ve brushed up on today’s hit music since then! I wanted to show what I’ve learned!
Jerry: It’s not like any of us know, either.
Steven: I feel like I’m missing out.
Tammi: You’re not ready to drive!
Steven: I’m not ready, or you’re not ready.
Teri: I think maybe this is a private conversation we shouldn’t be eavesdropping on.
Tammi: Frank, are you going to let him talk to me like that?
Frank: He raises a good point. He’s responsible and reasonable, and he does love cars.
Teri: Okay, no, I wanna hear this now. Frank’s dug himself into a hole, will he get out of it?
Velma: Signs point to a slumber on the couch tonight!
Mitchell: It’s really not that bad, it’s actually kind of cozy on there.
Velma: Now that I know that, you can sleep on the floor the next time you piss me off. How about tonight?
Danielle: They have such a beautiful relationship.
Teri: I know, I aspire to find my perfect match one day like they did.
Cindy: It’s a love that really brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
Tammi: I just don’t get why you’re not backing me up, Frank.
Frank: Because I don’t agree with you. I’m not a pushover.
Teri: Well…
Tammi: I think you were on the nose when you said this is a private conversation.
Teri: Who said that? What a dummy.
Tammi: Everyone, step on out.
Frank: I think that’s for the best.
Tammi: Not you! Sit down!
Frank: I didn’t -
Tammi: Sit.
Jerry: Can I offer some advice?
Tammi: No!
Jerry: Thought it was worth a shot.
Tammi: Frank, I need you to be on my side.
Steven: I’m ready to drive! I deserve the benefit of the doubt.
Tammi: I’m just not ready for that!
Frank: There it is! You got mad at me because I know you too well!
Tammi: You got me! Now, let me be sad in peace!
Frank: I thought we were going to talk this out?
Tammi: I suddenly don’t want to!
Steven: So is that a yes on letting me take driving lessons?
Tammi: No.
Frank: I’ll talk to her.
Tammi: I don’t want to talk!
Tammi storms off to her bedroom as Karl and Betty walk in.
Karl: Something happen in here?
Steven: Grandpa, I want driving lessons!
Frank: Do not prey on your grandparents’ lack of knowledge of the situation.
Betty: I know the situation!
Karl: Betty, we need to get you an ice pack. That elbow looks bad.
Betty: I’m fine!
Karl: So what’s this about driving?
Cindy: Tammi doesn’t want to let Steven drive still. They had a fight about it, she stormed off.
Frank: Is there no privacy in this house?
Teri: I think lack of privacy was sort of baked into the whole “all living under one roof” deal.
Frank: That wasn’t my impression.
Teri: Well, that’s why you’re an idiot.
Frank: This idiot has to go check on his wife. Just make sure he doesn’t run off and try to steal a car or anything.
Jerry: He would never do that. Right?
Steven: Of course not! I want to drive a car, not be a criminal.
Frank walks to the bedroom.
Frank: You wanna talk?
Tammi: I stormed off because I didn’t want to talk.
Frank: I think talking would help.
Tammi: And I think throwing a show at your head would help. What now?
Frank: Why are you crying?
Tammi: Frank, life speeds by you too quickly. I remember when I was a terrified, pregnant teenager.
Frank: Not a terribly fun time, if I recall correctly.
Tammi: It was terrible, but it was also wonderful, because look what that time led to. Our wonderful, kind, vibrant son, who brings us so much joy. And now, he’s getting ready to spread his wings. He’s got a serious girlfriend, he’s a junior in high school, and he’s about to have the ability to drive away from me whenever I want. Life is changing fast! I don’t like it!
Frank: I can’t say I love how fast it goes by, either. None of us do.
Tammi: It’s hitting me hard. Im trying to cling to the past, to cling to his childhood.
Frank: We’re young! We could always have another baby!
Tammi: My god, that sounds exhausting!
Frank: I was simply throwing out options that didn’t involve scarring the child we already have.
Tammi: So you think I should suck it up and let him learn how to drive?
Frank: I think that’s what parents are supposed to do, yeah.
Tammi: But it’s hard!
Frank: Life’s hard. Let’s try not to make it any harder for our kid.
Tammi: I’m just so scared he’s gonna learn to drive and then hop in that car and drive off into the sunset and forget all about me.
Frank: Alysa’s got a license now, he can already do that, just as a passenger.
Tammi: Oh lord, you’re right.
Frank: I’m right a lot more than anyone ever gives me credit for.
Tammi: That you are. I guess I have to go talk to Steven.
Frank: Yeah, it’d be best to do that before your grandmother convinces him to steal the car and drive off in it. I sort of put the idea in their heads.
Tammi: She would never do that!
Frank: You wanna bet?
Tammi and Frank walk back downstairs.
Cindy: Ah, look who’s feeling better!
Tammi: Steven, we have to talk.
Teri: Can we listen or nah?
Tammi: Sure, go ahead.
Teri: Steven, I think this is good news for you! If it were bad, she’d be afraid we’d all bully her into changing her mind.
Betty: Has anyone seen my ice pack?
Ralph: Mom, are you sure you didn’t hit your head in the fall?
Betty: I’m fine!
Ralph: The ice pack is on the table next to you, so I’m not sure you are.
Karl: I think I should take her to get checked out.
Betty: I’m fine! If I went to get checked out every time I had a little stumble and fall, I’d live in the ER!
Teri: That’s pretty worrying.
Betty: I want to hear what Tammi has to say to Steven!
Tammi: Is this like a soap to you guys?
Danielle: We live very boring lives.
Karl: Tammi, can you make it quick?
Tammi: I don’t usually cater to the audience, but I’m afraid grandma has a concussion, and I know she’s not leaving without a conclusion to the saga, so I’ll hurry it up.
Karl: I appreciate it.
Tammi: Steven, you can learn how to drive.
Steven: Mom, thank you! I really do appreciate it, I know how hard it is, you know, me growing up.
Tammi: That’s not it at all.
Velma: Do you think we were born yesterday?
Mitchell: We don’t look it!
Velma: Speak for yourself.
Karl: All right, we’re going. I’ll call if they find anything seriously wrong.
Cindy: Good luck, mom!
Betty: Thank you, Teri!
Cindy: I’m Cin- never mind.
Teri: So back to the man of the hour! Steven, how you feeling?
Steven: Excited!
Frank: You know, I can help teach you if you want. I’m a pretty responsible driver, I’ve been doing it a long time.
Steven: I think I’ll just take the drivers ed class at school. I’ve had to wait so long, I bet the wait list is very short.
Frank: That works too!
Teri: You have mastered the art of politely declining your crazy family to get some much-needed time away from them.
Steven: I have a lot of practice.
Teri: It’s the only way to not go completely bonkers in this house.
Ralph: And whose fault is that?
Teri: I had a dream house and one way to attain it. It’s called being intuitive!
Cindy: I’m just still in disbelief that we all agreed to it.
Velma: We are fools!
Teri: I don’t see any of you rushing to move out!
Jerry: None of us can afford to!
Teri: I’m a genius.
Two weeks later…
Alysa: Now introducing the latest road-ready driver for the commonwealth of Virginia, Steven Howerton!
Teri: You passed your driving test already?
Steven: No, I got my learner’s permit.
Velma: Teri, since when can you get a driver’s license after only practicing for two weeks?
Teri: I don’t know, it’s been a long time since I learned to drive. My mother didn’t care about me growing up, she was happy to get me the hell out of the house.
Betty: That is mostly true.
Karl: You were the last one, we went through it twice. We were just glad you weren’t also pregnant when you got your license. Unlike...
Cindy: Don’t even! I take enough shit for that!
Karl: Well, it’s how we felt.
Tammi: Steven, I’m proud of you! I failed the test the first time I took it.
Jerry: It was a great shame for the entire family.
Cindy: Don’t listen to him.
Tammi: I can usually tell when he’s just lying.
Karl: So how long do you need to wait until you get that license?
Steven: Nine months, but thankfully I can drive with limitations until then.
Alysa: And I have my full license -
Steven: Stop rubbing it in.
Alysa: I can drive between the restricted hours of midnight and four in the morning, if need be.
Tammi: When would the need ever be?
Alysa: We could be out for a date or something.
Tammi: Not at that time of night!
Alysa: New Year’s Eve?
Tammi: You’ll be at our hours for that.
Steven: Well, mom’s not let go entirely, but we shouldn’t have expected that.
Tammi: You will always be my baby, even when you can drive, even when you can vote, even when you live on your own, even when you can drink, even when you have a wife and kids. Always my baby!
Alysa: A wife? I think we all know who that’s going to be.
Teri: Hey, you’re young. My sister and niece both got married at your age and look who they got stuck with.
Jerry: She does have a point.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
