BRIAN
Welcome everybody to the Cross house.
DAVID
Not the only Cross house now, Dad.
BRIAN
That's right, I'm happy David and his family could all come. Josh, thanks for bringing your friend, and Catherine is also here!
JOSH
You got the whole family together. Where's Mom by the way?
FRAN (yelling)
WHAT?
BRIAN
Our family is here!
FRAN
OK I'll be right there!
(FRAN loudly plays a song from the 1950s as her "entrance song".)
FRAN
Like my entrance song?
CATHERINE
Sure...happy birthday Mom. Aren't I normal? I am definitely coming across as normal. No crazy antics going on in my house. Just a regular mom doing regular mom things.
FRAN
Oh, like what?
CATHERINE
Um...you know, things moms do. You're one, you should know.
MARY
What exactly do mom's do in your book?
CATHERINE
It's less of a book and more...you know as long as we've established I am normal and not crazy, I'm done talking.
(CATHERINE whispers to WILLIAM)
Did I do it right?
WILLIAM (to CATHERINE)
I guess?
BRITNEY 2 (to WILLIAM)
She did awful.
WILLIAM (to CATHERINE)
You did awful.
JOSH
Did you just tell my sister she did awful? At what?
WILLIAM
I was just telling her what Britney 2 said to tell her!
BRITNEY 2
Uncle Josh, I was saying that Mom is awfully good! You clearly misheard.
DREW (to DAVID)
Your family is weird.
MARY
How dare you call your father's family weird! And to his face too! Your father owes a lot to this family!
DAVID
Do I though?
JULIAN
Can you all just stop arguing? You're arguing about nothing!
ANDREW
How dare you say that about my...uh, friend's family! And to their faces to! You owe a lot to this family. (To JOSH) So is that what I say today?
JOSH
You say nothing.
DAVID
Who brings along a friend and tells them not to say anything? And mind your own business Andrew!
ANDREW
Sorry.
DAVID
Is he allowed to say that, Josh? Or were you going to say that for him? Why is he even here if you don't want him here?
BRIAN
ENOUGH!!!!
(The room goes silent.)
BRIAN
Your Mom and I have been planning this party--
FRAN
Mostly me. I planned my own party.
BRIAN
Oh so I can't get any of the credit?
FRAN
I'm not saying that--
BRIAN
Everything about this party is because of me.
JULIAN
Can you argue another time?
FRAN
NO WE'RE GONNA ARGUE NOW!
CATHERINE
Mom! Between us normal moms, I think we should all put this aside. Let's take five minutes and all separate ourselves, and come back as a family. We don't hate one another. Or at least, let's for the sake of our time here pretend we don't.
BRIAN
There's my smartest daughter talking.
BRITNEY
She's also your only daughter.
BRIAN
Doesn't make it any less true. Alright, see you all in five minutes.
(Everyone leaves the room. Focus on Britney and Britney 2)
BRITNEY (to BRITNEY 2)
So Chris is pretty hot right?
BRITNEY 2
Ew! What's the matter with you?
BRITNEY
Just saying.
BRITNEY 2
Make it nothing more than that.
BRITNEY
Or I could make my parents proud.
(BRITNEY walks up to CHRIS.)
BRITNEY
Hey Chris...so, you part of this family? I got dragged along as a friend.
CHRIS
A friend? Of who?
BRITNEY
Let's just call her Britney 2.
CHRIS
OK...so we're not cousins?
BRITNEY
Nope, definitely not.
CHRIS
OK...nice to meet you.
BRITNEY
Kiss me or it's not true.
CHRIS
And you're definitely a friend? Not my cousin?
BRITNEY
Yeah, uh, correct.
CHRIS
So I can call you hot?
BRITNEY
You better.
BRITNEY kisses CHRIS.
BRITNEY
I'll see you around.
BRITNEY 2 walks up to CHRIS.
BRITNEY 2
That was your cousin!!!
CHRIS
She said she wasn't...
BRITNEY 2
You idiot, you actually thought that?
CHRIS
Can't believe she tricked me...wait, you're tricking me right now, aren't you?
JULIAN
She definitely isn't.
BRITNEY 2
Going forward...no falling in love with anyone here. My sister's kind of messed up.
(Cut to BRIAN and DAVID)
BRIAN
So Fran's birthday is going terrible so far.
DAVID
My Mom is Fran now to me?
BRIAN
Whatever. Your Mom's birthday is going terrible so far.
DAVID
It really is.
BRIAN
Oh. I thought you were going to try to convince me differently?
DAVID
I think not.
(Cut to Andrew and Catherine)
CATHERINE
So, uh...you're Josh's friend huh?
ANDREW
That I am.
CATHERINE
Which one of you is going to pop the question?
ANDREW
Wait how did--
CATHERINE (laughing)
I'm kidding, Josh isn't gay!
ANDREW (polite laughter)
Yeah...
(Everyone re-enters the room. DREW is standing alone in a corner, overwhelmed and miserable.)
FRAN
Can I have a good birthday?
CATHERINE
Happy birthday mom!
FRAN
Happy birthday to you too Catherine.
CATHERINE
Finally somebody brings it up.
Welcome everybody to the Cross house.
DAVID
Not the only Cross house now, Dad.
BRIAN
That's right, I'm happy David and his family could all come. Josh, thanks for bringing your friend, and Catherine is also here!
JOSH
You got the whole family together. Where's Mom by the way?
FRAN (yelling)
WHAT?
BRIAN
Our family is here!
FRAN
OK I'll be right there!
(FRAN loudly plays a song from the 1950s as her "entrance song".)
FRAN
Like my entrance song?
CATHERINE
Sure...happy birthday Mom. Aren't I normal? I am definitely coming across as normal. No crazy antics going on in my house. Just a regular mom doing regular mom things.
FRAN
Oh, like what?
CATHERINE
Um...you know, things moms do. You're one, you should know.
MARY
What exactly do mom's do in your book?
CATHERINE
It's less of a book and more...you know as long as we've established I am normal and not crazy, I'm done talking.
(CATHERINE whispers to WILLIAM)
Did I do it right?
WILLIAM (to CATHERINE)
I guess?
BRITNEY 2 (to WILLIAM)
She did awful.
WILLIAM (to CATHERINE)
You did awful.
JOSH
Did you just tell my sister she did awful? At what?
WILLIAM
I was just telling her what Britney 2 said to tell her!
BRITNEY 2
Uncle Josh, I was saying that Mom is awfully good! You clearly misheard.
DREW (to DAVID)
Your family is weird.
MARY
How dare you call your father's family weird! And to his face too! Your father owes a lot to this family!
DAVID
Do I though?
JULIAN
Can you all just stop arguing? You're arguing about nothing!
ANDREW
How dare you say that about my...uh, friend's family! And to their faces to! You owe a lot to this family. (To JOSH) So is that what I say today?
JOSH
You say nothing.
DAVID
Who brings along a friend and tells them not to say anything? And mind your own business Andrew!
ANDREW
Sorry.
DAVID
Is he allowed to say that, Josh? Or were you going to say that for him? Why is he even here if you don't want him here?
BRIAN
ENOUGH!!!!
(The room goes silent.)
BRIAN
Your Mom and I have been planning this party--
FRAN
Mostly me. I planned my own party.
BRIAN
Oh so I can't get any of the credit?
FRAN
I'm not saying that--
BRIAN
Everything about this party is because of me.
JULIAN
Can you argue another time?
FRAN
NO WE'RE GONNA ARGUE NOW!
CATHERINE
Mom! Between us normal moms, I think we should all put this aside. Let's take five minutes and all separate ourselves, and come back as a family. We don't hate one another. Or at least, let's for the sake of our time here pretend we don't.
BRIAN
There's my smartest daughter talking.
BRITNEY
She's also your only daughter.
BRIAN
Doesn't make it any less true. Alright, see you all in five minutes.
(Everyone leaves the room. Focus on Britney and Britney 2)
BRITNEY (to BRITNEY 2)
So Chris is pretty hot right?
BRITNEY 2
Ew! What's the matter with you?
BRITNEY
Just saying.
BRITNEY 2
Make it nothing more than that.
BRITNEY
Or I could make my parents proud.
(BRITNEY walks up to CHRIS.)
BRITNEY
Hey Chris...so, you part of this family? I got dragged along as a friend.
CHRIS
A friend? Of who?
BRITNEY
Let's just call her Britney 2.
CHRIS
OK...so we're not cousins?
BRITNEY
Nope, definitely not.
CHRIS
OK...nice to meet you.
BRITNEY
Kiss me or it's not true.
CHRIS
And you're definitely a friend? Not my cousin?
BRITNEY
Yeah, uh, correct.
CHRIS
So I can call you hot?
BRITNEY
You better.
BRITNEY kisses CHRIS.
BRITNEY
I'll see you around.
BRITNEY 2 walks up to CHRIS.
BRITNEY 2
That was your cousin!!!
CHRIS
She said she wasn't...
BRITNEY 2
You idiot, you actually thought that?
CHRIS
Can't believe she tricked me...wait, you're tricking me right now, aren't you?
JULIAN
She definitely isn't.
BRITNEY 2
Going forward...no falling in love with anyone here. My sister's kind of messed up.
(Cut to BRIAN and DAVID)
BRIAN
So Fran's birthday is going terrible so far.
DAVID
My Mom is Fran now to me?
BRIAN
Whatever. Your Mom's birthday is going terrible so far.
DAVID
It really is.
BRIAN
Oh. I thought you were going to try to convince me differently?
DAVID
I think not.
(Cut to Andrew and Catherine)
CATHERINE
So, uh...you're Josh's friend huh?
ANDREW
That I am.
CATHERINE
Which one of you is going to pop the question?
ANDREW
Wait how did--
CATHERINE (laughing)
I'm kidding, Josh isn't gay!
ANDREW (polite laughter)
Yeah...
(Everyone re-enters the room. DREW is standing alone in a corner, overwhelmed and miserable.)
FRAN
Can I have a good birthday?
CATHERINE
Happy birthday mom!
FRAN
Happy birthday to you too Catherine.
CATHERINE
Finally somebody brings it up.