Focus on Josh and Andrew, alone outside.
ANDREW
Aren't you going to tell your parents?
JOSH
About what?
ANDREW
The fact that you've had a husband for 7 years?
CATHERINE
You've had a husband for 7 years??
JOSH
Where'd you come from?!
CATHERINE
I have good ears. (Yelling) Hey everyone, Josh has a husband!
CHRIS
Wait, so like, you're married to a guy?
JOSH
Yep, Andrew.
DAVID
I knew it! You owe me $200 now Mary.
MARY
That was a deal we never made.
DAVID
Figured it was worth a shot.
CATHERINE
Do you two love each other or are you doing it for fun? I know I did it for fun for a little bit back in the--
BRITNEY 2
Mom!
WILLIAM
Yeah, and I totally knew all about this.
CATHERINE
What? I'm saying it's perfectly normal to try it out. And we all know he's just trying to impress us with the 7 years thing, nice try Josh, though I'll give you credit for being convincing enough at first.
JOSH
It actually has been 7 years but...thanks?
ANDREW
It has been 7 years right?
JOSH
Uh huh, don't let them convince you otherwise. (To the rest) He can be easily swayed by what other people are saying.
ANDREW
I can?
JOSH
See, you just did it there. Now, who has questions and who wants to tell Mom and Dad?
CATHERINE
What's there to tell?
JOSH
Maybe that I'm gay and they didn't know it?
CATHERINE
And? I'm straight and they didn't know it.
BRITNEY 2
Mom usually when you have two kids with a man they'll assume that.
CATHERINE
That's enough out of you, my third-favorite Britney.
FRAN (walking outside)
What's all this chattering about? (Everyone looks at Josh) And why is everyone looking at Josh?
JOSH
OK Mom, I have something to say. I've had a secret I've been hiding from you for a while and I Think it's about--
CATHERINE
Josh and Andrew are married Mom!
FRAN
OH MY GOD!!! NOOOOOOOOO!
JOSH
I'm sorry this cause you so much pain, I just thought it was about time.
FRAN (choking up)
How long has this been?
ANDREW
7 years.
FRAN
You had a wedding without me 7 years ago and you've waited this long to tell me????
JOSH
It wasn't a huge wedding, just a small, private ceremony.
FRAN
NOOOOOOO! All my kids need to have large, expensive weddings! How could you do this to me Josh??
JOSH
That's not exactly the point I was trying to get across...
FRAN
Then what was it, that you don't love me? That you don't think I matter in your life so you would just have the wedding without me? You're only 63 once you know! I'm very mad at you for not inviting me to the wedding.
CHRIS
I'd like to just say for the record that I'm not gay. Just if anyone's wondering. (Looks at Britney, she smiles back.)
BRITNEY 2 (to BRITNEY)
Stop looking at him, he's your cousin.
BRITNEY
Oh. Right.
BRIAN (entering)
Chris nobody cares.
FRAN
I have news for you Brian, you're going to want to sit down for this one.
BRIAN (sits)
What is it?
FRAN
Josh got married to Andrew, and they didn't invite us to the wedding!
BRIAN
Where was the wedding?
JOSH
Vermont.
BRIAN
Thanks for thinking of me Josh. I know, all kids are equal and everything, but I'm not about to go up to Vermont for a stupid wedding. Even if it was my own wedding. Too far for me.
JOSH
That's the spirit.
BRIAN
So this is real right, this isn't you trying to be Catherine?
JOSH
Trust me, I would never try to be Catherine.
BRIAN
Good. (Most people head back inside.)
ANDREW (to JOSH)
Maybe we should talk to your parents more often because that reaction was way different from what you said it would be.
JOSH
Yeah, come to think of it we've kind of grown far apart recently...guess I read them wrong.
CHRIS (to BRITNEY)
You know if you have any friends--
BRITNEY 2
Nope she doesn't have any friends move along. (Everyone else walks inside.)
FRAN
Andrew, let me ask you something?
ANDREW
Yeah?
FRAN
You don't have any kids right?
ANDREW
No, not yet.
FRAN
Oh thank God. If I found out I had a grandkid, biological or not, I would lose it. I better be the 3rd face that kid sees from this family or else.
DAVID
Hey has anyone seen my kids?
(BRITNEY's phone buzzes. She looks at it.)
BRITNEY
Oh, I, uh...have to pick up something. I'll be right back!
CATHERINE
That's my girl.