Olivia is at Buckingham Palace.
Eleanor: It is just wonderful to have you back on your feet again. You have been dearly missed.
Olivia: Mum, you act like I’d been paralyzed. I pulled my back. I could walk just fine, I was just in pain.
Eleanor: Regardless, I’m glad to have you back!
Olivia: I’m glad to be back, though from what I can tell, Fred and the kids did well in my place.
Claude: If they’d ever like to take on royal responsibilities of their own, the invitation is there.
Olivia: I don’t think that’s a thing that they would enjoy, but it does warm my heart to know you appreciated what they did. Now, may I ask why I’ve been invited here?
Claude: We have to get you up to speed on everything that’s happened!
Olivia: We’ve spoken. You came to visit me while I was trying to sleep once. It’s not like I’m returning from a six month-long trek through Siberia.
Christine: You’d never survive that. None of us would.
Olivia: Most wouldn’t, don’t try to paint me as weak because Siberia would kick my ass.
Eleanor: Language!
Olivia: There are only four of us in the room.
Eleanor: I simply can not stand hearing such inappropriate words.
Olivia: You’ll live.
Claude: Anyhow, I do have an ulterior motive here.
Olivia: As always!
Claude: It’s nothing major, just another royal engagement for you to do. I know you enjoy working.
Olivia: It keeps me young! Well, young at heart.
Claude: There’s a “happiness seminar” being hosted by a friend of the family. She’s a sort of self-help guru, but also a socialite. Her parents were old friends of mum and dad.
Olivia: Do you mean Dame Gloria Buttridge?
Christine: Buttridge? What a name.
Eleanor: Don’t be juvenile?
Christine: The woman’s name is “Butt Ridge” and she tries to give other people self-help tips? I’m sorry, but that’s hilarious! I have a tip for you, change your name!
Eleanor: It is a family name, and she is a friend, so back off!
Claude: It’s also pronounced “Butch-Ridge.”
Christine: Like that’s any better.
Olivia: Are you implying I need tips on becoming happier?
Claude: Not at all! She just invited me to attend, since I’d give her seminar a significant boost in visibility, but I don’t have time. So I’m asking if you’d like to go. She still gets a favor from the family, and I don’t have to waste my time on self-help seminars.
Olivia: Ah, I get it! You’re too good for it, so you’re asking me to step in to do it for you. I’m your alternate!
Christine: Third alternate. He also asked me and I shut it down the second I heard “self-help.” Then he asked Arthur and he hung up on him.
Claude: He’s out in the country, I think he just had a faulty connection. Still, the seminar’s tomorrow, and I need an answer. Olivia?
Olivia: You know what? Why not? It sounds relaxing enough. It’ll be a good way to ease me back into my responsibilities.
Claude: That’s the spirit! I’ll have Midge send you all of the details.
Olivia: Midge knows about this?
Claude: Olivia, her entire job revolves around you, she’s been waiting three weeks for something to do!
Olivia: She’s been taking care of me at my house! She practically made herself my nurse, I didn’t even get a choice in the matter!
Claude: But in the time she didn’t do that, she was anxiously waiting for you to return to work!
Olivia: What did this woman do before I came into her life?
Eleanor: Nobody knows.
Olivia: Anyhow, I have sick children to visit at a hospital an hour away, I ought to get going.
Christine: Sounds fun, enjoy!
Olivia: Must you act in this manner?
Christine: I must.
The next day…
Gigi: Mum, why did you drag me to a self-help seminar? Are you trying to tell me something?
Olivia: Your uncle asked me to come, I wasn’t coming alone, and Todd’s busy with Norah. So here you are!
Gigi: It would’ve been nice if you hadn’t passed this off as a “fun girls day.” This is a terrible way to repay me for doing your job for you.
Olivia: Never in my life have I made you perform royal engagements, after fifty years on this earth. I think you could pay me that favor without constantly whining about it.
Midge: I’m glad to have you both here, I think this is going to be a lovely day!
Olivia: I do not, because I’m a very happy person already, and don’t need some uppity dame to tell me how to feel joy.
Gloria: Your Royal Highness! It is an honor!
Olivia: Ms. Buttridge! My mum told me a lot about you, and she sends her regards.
Gloria: Our families are old friends! You watched me as a baby, actually.
Olivia: I did?
Gloria: Yes, I played with your daughter.
Gigi: This daughter?
Gloria: Genevieve!
Gigi: Just Gigi now. Always just been Gigi. Could certainly never pronounce Genevieve as a toddler.
Midge: And I’m Midge, Olivia’s assistant.
Gloria: Wonderful to meet you, Midge. We spoke on the phone!
Midge: We did indeed!
Olivia: So what’s this seminar all about? I have heard it’s about happiness, but that’s the extent of it. I’ve only ever seen your work sparsely on the telly when you’re on the Beeb in the morning or something. I’m not a huge self-help gal, I’ve always done fine on my own.
Gloria: I think people take “self-help” in the wrong way. They assume it’s all about crystals and woo-woo magic, but really it’s just about setting yourself up for a better life. I think even those of us who feel entirely fulfilled in life have room for improvement in their mental health and wellbeing.
Olivia: It’s hard to improve on perfection, though, is it not?
Gloria: I find that those who believe they have no room to improve are simply in denial about areas in which they can approve their lives.
Olivia: And you said you’re a dame, correct?
Gloria: Yes! I remain so grateful to your delightful mother for that honor.
Olivia: Was that a nepotism sort of thing, just a favor on behalf of your parents? Or did your career really warrant that honor?
Gloria: I like to think my career spoke for itself.
Olivia: Okay, so fully nepotism then. Got it. I can’t judge, I’m solely in my position due to the womb I came from.
Gloria: I think if you sit in and listen to my course, it can change your mind on that. My only goal in life, and it’s one I think I live up to, is to bring people joy.
Olivia: You know what? I do think you’ve earned that right. Especially since I’m here as a representative of the family. If Claude believes you’re worth my time, then I believe it. You’ve got an hour to make me a believer!
Gloria: And I can make that happen!
Gigi: That would make you a miracle worker.
Gloria: I personally believe that I am one.
Midge: She’s a smooth operator. Like Sade.
Olivia: Please don’t disparage Sade by comparing her to the happiness guru. Even if she’s completely genuine, she can’t compare to the genius that is Sade.
Gigi: I didn’t realize you were such a Sade fan.
Olivia: How could I not be?
Gloria: I’m going to go get ready for the seminar. Your Royal Highness, I designated a seat for you at the very front.
Olivia: I’d prefer to be towards the back, where I can escape if need be and can hopefully go undetected.
Gloria: If that;’s what you prefer, then that’s fine, too. Anything you want!
Midge: Aren’t we here to promote visibility in her program?
Olivia: You and your big mouth!
Midge: We’ll take a photo for social media after the seminar.
Olivia: Dictator!
One hour later…
Olivia: Gigi, are you following this?
Gigi: I’ve been playing Candy Crush on my phone.
Olivia: Oh my god…
Gigi: What? Like you care about this.
Olivia: It was actually quite informative. I didn’t realize how many things I do that are detrimental to my own mental health.
Gigi: How could you possibly not? You’re miserable!
Olivia: I am not!
Midge: You very much are!
Olivia: As if I needed your big mouth chiming in!
Gigi: Are you really invested in this woman’s philosophy after one hour of listening to her blethering on?
Olivia: A bit, actually. I do complain a lot, and she said that’s the sign of an unhappy person.
Gigi: Wow, she’s blazing trails with that one. Expressing discontent means someone isn’t content. Stop the presses!
Olivia: You didn’t listen. She explained breathing techniques that restore tranquility in the brain. She expressed simple ways to improve daily life, things to avoid doing in order to make you happier.
Gigi: I just don’t think I need improvement. I’m doing perfectly fine.
Olivia: You?
Gigi: Excuse me? What does that mean?
Olivia: You’re at least as screwed-up as I am. I think her program can help you!
Gigi: No, you need to mind your own business and stay out of mine!
Olivia: No need to get testy, although you’re showing your own insecurity with that response.
Midge: Did I miss it?
Olivia: what?
Midge: I nodded off, I feel like it was just for a moment or two but -
Olivia: You missed it.
Gigi: Didn’t miss much, though. You’re doing fine with your life, Midge. No need to change.
Olivia: Don’t lie to her!
Gloria: So did you enjoy the seminar?
Olivia: Very much so! I’m a convert!
Gigi: I’m so ashamed.
Gloria: Does this make me a miracle worker?
Gigi: I think it makes my mother much dumber than I once believed.
One week later…
Gigi: Fred, how do you do it? It’s like talking to Deepak Chopra!
Fred: Imagine living with it!
Gigi: I’d rather not.
Todd: I think mum wanting to improve her life is a good thing! Her refusal to meet with Meredith is, admittedly, somewhat of a challenge for me, though.
Fred: You must not be spending much time with her.
Todd: No, I’ve not been. Norah and I have been busy preparing the house for the baby.
Gigi: She’s three months along! Tops!
Todd: You can’t start too early!
Gigi: You can, though.
Fred: I have to sleep with earplugs in now to avoid the hearing a noise machine that sounds like trickling rain. I have to keep the house at precisely 26 degrees for some reason, expect at night, when it’s lowered to 22.
Gigi: No wonder it’s so toasty in here. It feels like Christmas in this house.
Fred: I’m in hell. Plus, she’s meditating now. She wakes up at six in the morning and is in bed by eight. That’s not much different than me, but that’s not my Olivia! She’s a completely different person since she went to that seminar!
Gigi: She’s refused to go shopping with me because it doesn’t “stimulate her brain.” I’m not trying to stimulate my brain, I’m trying to stimulate Coach’s bottom line!
Fred: She doesn’t watch television anymore, she only reads. It’s apparently not healthy to watch the telly. Oh, and she only eats organic food.
Todd: That does feel healthier!
Fred: She’s vegan now.
Todd: That’s not mum.
Fred: Exactly! In attempting to help herself, she’s completely changed herself. Not to mention, she keeps buying books and courses. It’s lie I’m suddenly married to a Scientologist!
Gigi: I’d marry Tom Cruise.
Todd: I wouldn’t. Strange man.
Gigi: Yes, that’s the only thing stopping you.
Fred: I’m just so tired of this woman altering Olivia’s brain. What even is her name, Butt-something?
Gigi: Buttridge.
Fred: I like Butt better. She is one.
Gigi: Wow, Fred’s furious! He said something genuinely nasty! Sort of.
Fred: I want my wife back.
Todd: Funny, that’s what dad said after she divorced him and he had to start living alone.
Gigi: And he got back on his feet. Fred, you can, too!
Fred: I just want my wife to go back to normal.
Gigi: You know who can help deprogram mum from being a member of the cult of self-help?
Fred: Who?
Gigi: Uncle Claude and gran.
Fred: Really?
Gigi: Absolutely! She actually listens to them when they ask something of her. They can smack some sense into her.
Fred: I’ll try anything. One week in and I’ve already gone mad.
Gigi: You’ve held onto your sanity longer than anyone could’ve expected, to be honest.
The next day, at Buckingham Palace…
Claire: Fred! We never see you here on your own! What brings you here?
Arthur: Has something happened to Aunt Olivia?
Fred: She’s alive, that’s the important part.
Arthur: I hear it in your voice, something’s wrong.
Claire: Is it cancer?
Arthur: Parkinson’s?
Claire: Divorce?
Arthur: Clinical depression?
Fred: The opposite, actually.
Arthur: The problem is she’s too happy?
Fred: No. She’s working overtime to be happy.
Arthur: Oh! She went to that self-help seminar.
Claire: I had a friend who went to one of those. She became one of those anti-vaccine hippie moms overnight, it was terrifying.
Fred: I couldn’t deal with that.
Claire: Neither could I, that’s why I had a friend. No longer!
Arthur: Are you here to ask my father to intervene?
Fred: Of course.
Arthur: Good luck!
Claude: Fred! Come on in!
Fred: Do you lot all just hang around here all day?
Claude: Not typically, but we have our downtime.
Fred: Olivia doesn’t. Well, didn’t.
Claude: Yeah, I’ve noticed a change in her work load lately. Namely that she’s refusing several engagements that I assign to her.
Eleanor: I chalked it up to some recurring pain in her back.
Fred: She’s lost her mind! I need help!
Eleanor: That is not something we talk about in this family. We keep it in. It will resolve itself.
Fred: She’s a self-help devotee now. She lives her life according to the rules of Gloria Buttridge! It’s heinous!
Eleanor: Gloria is a nice woman from a good family. She is a dame, for goodness sake!
Fred: Her rules are nonsense and made up to help her feel like she’s in control. She’s a dictator ruining my life. I need off of this roller coaster.
Claude: She really took that seminar to heart, huh?
Fred: And it’s changed her! I don’t recognize her behavior! She isn’t the Olivia I’ve always known. She’s… annoying.
Claude: She’s always been a bit annoying.
Fred: Not like this! It’s like she’s been brainwashed, like she’s signed up for a cult. All she cares about is tranquility and joy. I’m half-convinced I’m going to get a headache and she’ll pull out a healing crystal!
Eleanor: Gloria is not into that sort of thing. Her methods, which I don’t subscribe to because I find them nonsensical, are all about altering behavior.
Fred: Find a way to un-alter her behavior! She actually listens to you!
Claude: Have you considered raising the concerns yourself?
Fred: I’m pretty sure her new mental wellbeing cult says she’d have to divorce me for causing too much distress if I challenged her in such a way.
Claude: I’ll talk to her.
Fred: Thank you!
Claude: I promise nothing. She’s thick-headed and always has been.
Fred: This is better than nothing. I appreciate it.
Later that day…
Claude: Olivia…
Olivia: Salutations.
Claude: Knock it off.
Olivia: Knock what off?
Claude: The cult nonsense. It’s concerning. To all of us.
Christine: And get back to work, you bum!
Claude: Darling, I think I should do this on my own.
Christine: Fine… force me to miss out on an opportunity to yell at Olivia.
Olivia: Gloria wouldn-
Eleanor: Gloria is a hack. Everyone finds you insufferable now. You act like a new age guru. You’re a member of the British Royal Family. Act like it.
Olivia: I won’t be spoken in such a way.
Eleanor: Stop acting like a maniac! I brought you into this world, and I will dictate how you act in it!
Claude: I feel like that actually is a genuinely unhealthy worldview, as well/
Eleanor: Whose side are you on?
Claude: Whatever side gets everyone to stop acting like a maniac, preferably.
Eleanor: So mine.
Olivia: If you are all so opposed to the Happiness Program, then I’ll stop subscribing to its methods, so long as you know this is you admitting you don’t care if I’m truly happy or not.
Eleanor: I’m fine with that. We’re done here.
Claude: Wow, you can tell mum means business, because she used a contraction.
Eleanor: The horrific things that you children drive me to do…
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next Monday!
