Sam: I am going to lose so much money in this city.
Nicolle: Like hell you are!
Sam: You and Diane never let me have any fun!
Diane: Guilty as charged!
Frances: I prefer not to think about what goes on in this city.
Charlotte: Frances, I never took you for a prude.
Frances: I never have been and never will be. I just detest gambling.
Leslie: Luckily, there’s so much else to do in this city!
Frances: Such as…?
Leslie: I wasn’t really expecting you to ask a follow-up question, if I’m being honest.
Diane: We can go see a Penn & Teller show!
Frances: In a casino.
Diane: The Eagles have a residency at the Sphere! Not a casino!
Frances: Well, we’re definitely going to that.
Sam: The problem with a residency is, of course, that you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
Garry: Huh?
Sam: Eagles song, Garry. Hotel California. One of the most well-known songs ever written, by one of the most well-known bands of all-time. You really are an idiot.
Melanie: I’m gonna be honest, my dad was from Philly, I thought you were talking about the Philadelphia Eagles at first.
Sam: That was a Garry-esque thing to say, but I like you, so I’ll be quiet.
Charlotte: Calling it Garry-esque is as nasty a thing as could ever come out of your mouth. We all know how fond you are of him.
Garry: She does like me, to be clear.
Sam: If that’s what you have to tell yourself.
Frances: Okay, so we’re going to see the Eagles. Anything else of note in this city, or nah?
Diane: That’s enough for me!
Frances: All right, then I’m gonna go rest at the hotel.
Leslie: About that…
Frances: What?
Leslie: We’re staying at the Bellagio…
Diane: Oh, I love their fountains!
Sam: Everyone does, Diane.
Charlotte: I’m sort of shocked to learn you like anything at all.
Garry: She likes me!
Sam: Garry, don’t start.
Garry: I was going.
Sam: Leave the comedy to Diane and I.
Leslie: Frances, you have yet to comment on us staying at the Bellagio. Are you upset we’re staying at a casino?
Frances: No, it’s fine. It’s a nice hotel, it’s not like I have to go into the casino.
Melanie: I’m a bit lost. Why does Frances hate casinos so much?
Frances: It’s a long story. Does anyone else mind telling it?
Leslie: Frances’s husband was a gambling addict and he gambled hundreds of thousands of dollars and it broke their marriage irreparably. She nearly lost her home.
Frances: When I hear it that way, it’s both even more tragic than I remembered and not that long of a story.
Melanie: I’m so sorry to hear that, Frances. I didn’t know you went through all that, I just assumed you went through the standard irreconcilable differences, like I did.
Diane: God, we really are Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, aren’t we?
Sam: I’m not divorced. Just want to point that out.
Nicolle: They know, dear.
Charlotte: I’m single by choice. It’s hard for an Oscar winner to find someone worthy of -
Diane: Enough. I mean it now. Enough.
Leslie: Okay, to the hotel, then.
Melanie: Wasn’t Jacqueline supposed to be joining us now that Paul’s back in charge?
Leslie: She’s flying in later today. There weren’t any flights from LA that arrived at within a half-hour as our planned arrival.
Sam: At least we get a few last peaceful hours without her.
Diane: It’s not enough.
Leslie: She won’t be too bad. Paul will keep her in line for us.
Diane: I sure hope so!
Later that day…
Charlotte: Frances, you look unwell.
Frances: Being in a casino is more triggering than I expected.
Charlotte: Do you need to talk?
Frances: No, I don’t need to bother you with this.
Charlotte: It won’t bother me! Gosh, I want nothing more than for all my friends to be happy. If I can help, talk my ear off.
Frances: You’re very sweet for an egotistical maniac.
Charlotte: Thank you! It’s part of how I won the Oscar.
Frances: I don’t get it. Why is this triggering me so badly? It’s been ten years!
Charlotte: You went through a very traumatic event. This is the biggest reminder you’ve had in ten years of the exact thing that ruined your marriage. This is completely understandable.
Frances: I know. I just wish he didn’t still have such an impact on me. I need to get over this!
Charlotte :You were married for a very long time. You believed he was the love of your life. I’ve never experienced that, and I never met him, but I can imagine the large breach of trust that the whole ordeal was for you.
Frances: It was terrible. For the person you chose to spend your life with to essentially choose gambling over honoring that marital commitment, it’s just embarrassing.
Charlotte: You have nothing to be embarrassed about. He does!
Frances: You’re my friend, you have to say that.
Charlotte: It’s also the truth!
There’s a knock on the door.
Leslie: Frances, Charlotte, you in there?
Frances: Sure are!
Leslie: We’re going to dinner at the hotel restaurant, you guys coming?
Frances: In a minute I just need to fix my hair.
Leslie: Got it! See you there!
Charlotte: Your hair looks fine!
Frances: I know, it’s my makeup that’s desperately in need of a refresh.
Charlotte: Your makeup isn’t that bad!
Frances: I’ve been crying…
Charlotte: You can hardly notice.
Frances: It won’t be so long.
Charlotte: If you insist.
At the restaurant…
Leslie: Jacqueline! Welcome to Vegas!
Jacqueline: Don’t act so chipper and cheery. I know how you all feel about me.
Sam: You might not know the extent of it…
Garry: You’re a frequent topic of conversation.
Carly: Only ever good things from Garry, don’t fire him.
Garry: She doesn’t have that power anymore.
Carly: Oh, right! I forgot. Well, Garry hates you, then.
Garry: We still do have to see her every day, you know.
Carly: He loves you!
Jacqueline: I’m sure.
Frances: Oh my god, why were you begging me to come down just to have to see Jacqueline?
Jacqueline: Charmed to see you as well!
Frances: No, you’re not, don’t lie.
Jacqueline: I was being sarcastic.
Frances: Your deliver was awful, then.
Diane: I’m hungry, let’s get that waiter over here now that the entire party is here!
Sam: I’m ordering appetizers!
Jacqueline: I ate a late lunch, I’m just going to have a salad.
Sam: As if she can’t get any worse…
Leslie: So, Jacqueline, how are you feeling about the new position?
Jacqueline: You really feel the need to rub it in, don’t you?
Leslie: I’m trying to make small talk. I don’t want to have an enemy in you.
Sam: Too late for that!
Jacqueline: I’ll be on my best behavior, trust me. I know Paul is looking for any reason to fire me, and you lot are bizarrely close with him.
Leslie: Respectfully, we will believe that when we see it.
Jacqueline: Frances, you look awful. Lose a lot at the casino?
Frances: I don’t feel well, I think I have to go up to my room. You all have a nice dinner!
Diane: Oh, Frances, feel better!
Charlotte: You want me to go with you?
Frances: No, I’m fine. Here, just take the room key so you can get in. I’ll probably be asleep or I’ll have my headphones on listening to some music. I surely won’t hear you knocking.
Charlotte: All right, feel better. Let me know if you need an thigh.
Frances: You all have fun.
Frances walks away.
Diane: That was weird, right?
Charlotte: Ditzarella made a reference to losing money gambling directly to her.
Sam: Oh, jeez.
Charlotte: Being in this casino was already triggering for her. She’s really been going through it.
Jacqueline: For what reason? Bad bet the last time she was in Vegas? We’ve all been there.
Charlotte: Her husband’s gambling addiction led to her divorce.
Jacqueline: How could I know that? I’m not close with you people!
Sam: I bet you somehow knew. You’re like a witch. A witch with mind-reading powers.
Melanie: In fairness, and I know this is not more logical than her being a mind-reading witch, I didn’t know about the gambling addiction before today, either. Jacqueline likely didn’t know.
Jacqueline: Thank you! Not a witch!
Sam: Saying that just raises more questions!
Jacqueline: I feel bad, actually. I was truly tying to make amends with all of you now that we’re all stuck together again, I didn’t mean to ruin Frances’s night. She’s one of the least insane ones of the bunch, too!
Sam: That is truly saying so little.
The next day…
Leslie: Frances, how are you feeling? You left our dinner, you didn’t come to breakfast -
Frances: I checked in to another hotel. One that isn’t also a casino.
Garry: They have those here?
Frances: Not good ones. But in that casino was making me sick.
Sam: Is this a bad time to mention I won $15,000 last night playing blackjack?
Diane: It’s not a good time.
Frances: I don’t want to ruin your fun. We’re in Vegas, talking about gambling and going to the casino is what you do. It’s fine.
Leslie: I’m glad to hear that, because the bakers are baking cookies designed to look like poker chips this week.
Diane: Oh, that’s in bad taste.
Charlotte: And if they use fondant on them, then it is literally in bad taste.
Garry: Baking burn!
Sam: You two are so lame.
Charlotte: Quick, Oscar count! Charlotte, one. Sam, zero!
Sam: You got me there.
Diane: Ah, god, Jacqueline’s here.
Jacqueline: I suppose I should’ve expected that reception.
Diane: It was always guaranteed.
Jacqueline: Don’t worry, I’m not here to be the fun police.
Melanie: Who would ever call you that?
Jacqueline: Each and every one of you.
Melanie: Huh, she’s got a point.
Jacqueline: You all do what you want. I’m just here to observe and report back to Paul. That is all.
Garry: Hey, that rhymed!
Sam: I find you disgusting.
Leslie: Frances, I really feel awful about how having to pay for a hotel room because we put you up in a casino. Jacqueline, can the network reimburse her?
Jacqueline: For what?
Leslie: She has a troublesome relationship with casinos, and doesn’t want to stay in one. It’s just too much for her to handle with her history.
Jacqueline: That’s right! Well, I feel awful about how I spoke last night, Frances.
Frances: It’s fine, you didn’t know.
Jacqueline: No, it was a dumb joke. Even if you weren’t in that marital situation, losing money at the casino isn’t something to joke about.
Sam: Unless it’s Garry! He had fun last night!
Garry: We don’t need to talk about that, I already heard enough from Carly!
Sam: Oh, to be a fly on the wall!
Charlotte: That reminds me, Frances, I had an idea!
Sam: Famous last words…
Charlotte: What if we play a game with minimal risk like the slot machines and you see firsthand that the casino’s not that bad?
Frances: What?
Charlotte: I’ve been trying to think of a way to cure, for lack of a better word, you of your distaste for casinos. I think of you go and just have a fun time yourself, it could really help.
Frances: You think me having fun playing penny slots will erase the pain of my marriage collapsing?
Charlotte: Maybe…?
Frances: What the hell, why not
Diane: This has truly taken an unexpected turn.
Jacqueline: That unexpected turn, of course, is not the cast starting filming early.
Sam: Pigs will fly first.
Frances: I can’t see any reason not to give it a try. Can’t make me hate them any worse!
Leslie: Oh, it could. Trust me.
Sam: I’m just stuck on penny slots. Is this 1987?
Garry: They do have some, they’re just not really worth playing.
Sam: You tried them? Was that all you had left to bet?
Garry: Leave me alone…
Sam: Never, weasel!
Later that night, at the casino…
Sam: Frances, I think it’s time to go.
Frances: No, just one more time!
Charlotte: You’ve already won $6,000, I think this is enough.
Leslie: It’s two in the morning, Frances. Diane passed out.
Diane: I’m fine!
Jacqueline: I truly am beginning to see why you all need a babysitter. This is pathetic.
Frances: I never expected to actually have fun doing this! I kinda understand Greg now!
Sam: I mean, that’s definitely the lesson new were trying to teach her, right?
Charlotte: I’m gonna be honest: it’s so late that I forget why we made her do this.
Leslie: I think you just wanted her to leave the seedy hotel she fled to.
Charlotte: Well, I need someone to talk to at night. It’s so lonely without having in my room…
Jacqueline: Oscar?
Charlotte: My Academy Award!
Frances: I am the goddess of slot machines!
Leslie: That’s what they always say before the fall…
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments! Bake Your Heart Out will return with a special episode on Monday, September 15th!
