Olivia and Midge are at a park for the dedication of a new statue.
Midge: I hear Norah’s got a bun in the oven. Congrats, gran.
Olivia: Midge! Not in public!
Midge: What, is it a secret?
Olivia: Is it a secret? They’ve not done the rounds on BBC Breakfast, have they?
Midge: I don’t know, I don’t watch much telly.
Olivia: It’s a secret, Midge. Not the sort of news the family needs out there, especially just before an election.
Midge: I think it’s fun!
Olivia: You would. You thought this would be fun, too.
Midge: This is fun!
Olivia: We’re standing around waiting for the Chichester District Council to unveil a statue of Britannia.
Midge: She embodies the spirit of England!
Olivia: She’s not even real.
Midge: Is this not better than when we went to the unveiling of the statue of Torvill and Dean in Nottingham?
Olivia: Of course it was, you made me stand outside in negative-five degree weather for that! The sheet stuck to the statue, we never even got to see it!
Midge: I swear you look only for the negatives in life. This is a fun community event!
Olivia: Since it’s so much fun, you did write my speech for it, didn’t you?
Midge: I think that’s neither here nor there.
Olivia: That’s a no.
Midge: I have a rough outline!
Olivia: I have a pen and a notepad in my car, let me go fetch that and you can quickly scribble something down. At the speed this man is talking, you’ve got time.
Midge: That is… a wonderful idea!
Olivia: Thought so. I’ll be right back, if anyone asks, I went to the loo.
Midge: You want me to tell them that the Princess Royal went off to the loo?
Olivia: Everybody has to use the loo! What’s wrong with that?
Midge: I get the impression it’s not something Claude would prefer to discuss in public.
Olivia: As if I care! Now, I’m off to grab that, and I hope you take this speechwriting seriously, as I don’t want to look like a fool.
Olivia gets up from her seat and begins walking on the pathway before tripping over a step and falling to the ground.
Midge: Olivia! Are you all right?
Olivia: No, get me to a hospital. Immediately.
Midge: Apologies for the distraction, everyone. Carry on!
Olivia: If anyone is a doctor, or a strong person who can help lift me up and into my car, that would be greatly appreciated.
Midge: Nope, I got it.
Olivia: Oh, I’m going to die!
Later that day, at the hospital, Midge calls Fred.
Midge: Ah, Fred, I’m so glad I could finally reach you!
Fred: Midge, where is my wife? She’s over an hour late, she’d always text me if she knew she was going to be this late.
Midge: So, good news and bad news.
Fred: Bad news?
Midge: Also good news!
Fred: What’s the good news?
Midge: Olivia is alive!
Fred: One would hope so! There was nothing to indicate the opposite!
Midge: You don’t sound very grateful for the fact that your wife is still alive!
Fred: Why would I have thought she wasn’t?
Midge: Because the news I have next is quite frightening.
Fred: Oh, the bad news is here. Lovely.
Midge: She’s fallen at her speaking engagement today. She has a back injury, she had a very difficult time moving in any way. The men who helped carry her to the car had a devil of a time getting her in without making it any worse.
Fred: You had random men move her?
Midge: She was asking for it. She said not to call the paramedics!
Fred: Even a simpleton — yes, even Meredith Trayman — knows that you don’t move someone who suffered a suspected back injury without the assistance of a trained professional!
Midge: I followed your wife’s demands, that is my entire job description.
Fred: She could be paralyzed because you listened to her!
Midge: We’ll find out soon enough!
Fred: Don’t sound so excited about it!
Midge: She seems mostly fine, although they won’t let me in to see her.
Fred: They won’t?
Midge: Mostly because of her own insistence that I not be let in.
Fred: Where even are you?
Midge: A hospital in Chichester!
Fred: I can be there in two hours. Maybe faster if I speed.
Midge: No! No one else in your family needs a speeding penalty! Olivia already met the quota on her own!
Fred: My wife is suffering a medical emergency, I doubt they’d take my license away for that.
Midge: You could get a republican judge, look who the prime minister is!
Fred: I’ll be there.
Midge: As will I!
Fred: Could you call the kids for me? Doing so myself would just delay my arrival.
Midge: I’ll be your hero. You’re welcome.
A bit later…
Doctor: Your Royal Highness, thank you for your patience.
Olivia: I feel nothing. Is that a bad sign?
Doctor: No, you’ve been given pain medication. This is perfectly normal.
Olivia: Oh, thank god. I can’t do the paraplegia thing. Total respect to them for their struggles, of course, but I need to be able to quickly escape my family if need be.
Doctor: All of your scans are in, and you got incredibly lucky.
Olivia: Good to hear, though I’m at a hospital right now, so I don’t feel lucky.
Doctor: The type of fall you endured, particularly for someone of your age -
Olivia: My age?
Doctor: You are in a high-risk category for falls and bone injuries, being above seventy.
Olivia: But I’m a young seventy!
Doctor: You are in excellent physical health, but bones are still more brittle and fragile the older one gets. Luckily for you, though, you avoided the worst-case scenario. No bone fractures. The typical injury that comes with that sort of fall on a hard pavement is a vertebrae fracture — a broken back. In this case, the damage is mostly muscular. You did suffer minor herniated discs, which will likely require physical therapy, but the primary area of concern is a lumbar strain. That’s what’s causing most of your pain. That’s not something we need to treat medically, you just need to rest and ice it and heat it. We’ll give you some pain medication for home, and you can be on your way.
Olivia: So I can walk right on out of here?
Doctor: Yes, once we get you set up with your pain medication, you’re free to leave.
Olivia: Is the car ride home a good idea? London’s two hours from here.
Doctor: It won’t hurt much. We can give you an ice pack for the ride, if you want. Oh, and when you sleep in bed or lie on your couch, do so on your side, and with a pillow between your legs. It’s the best way to support the lumbar muscles and not put unnecessary strain on them.
Olivia: A lot to remember!
Doctor: I can write it all down for you.
Olivia: Thank you.
Ten minutes later…
Midge: Olivia! You’re walking! I take it your back’s not broken?
Olivia: No, just a muscle strain. I pulled my back. I also have a herniated disc, but who my age doesn’t?
Midge: I don’t! Fit as a fiddle!
Olivia: Good for you. Do something useful for once and drive me home.
Midge: We can leave already?
Olivia: Yes, it’s just a muscle strain. I don’t have stage four “back cancer.”
Midge: Fred’s on his way here. I don’t think I can get ahold of him in the car.
Olivia: We’re not waiting here for two hours until he gets here! Let me call him and tell him to turn his ass around and meet me at home, with pillows and ice aplenty!
Midge: I thought him driving here was a very sweet gesture.
Olivia: Yes, it is, but I have no reason to stay here, and he has no reason to come here. I’m going home.
The next day at Buckingham Palace, much of the rest of the family meets.
Claude: Everyone, I’m sure you notice who is not with us today.
Selina: Did they finally pour water on her and melt her?
Ethan: That’s not — good one, dear.
Claire: Wow, you really whipped him good. Teach me your ways.
Selina: Kick Arthur to the couch for a while and he’ll be squirming immediately and groveling at your feet.
Arthur: I don’t appreciate being spoken to like this.
Eleanor: Could we all like the King talk?
Arthur: You’re still the reigning monarch in my eyes, gran.
Eleanor: Flattery will get you nearly nowhere. Nearly. I do appreciate the effort enough to cut you some slack, however.
Claude: All right, so our dear Olivia, our Princess Royal, is not here. She’s not ill, she hasn’t left the family for a third time.
Christine: What a shame.
Claude: She has, however, suffered a back injury after a fall at a royal engagement yesterday. She has requested two weeks off to heal, I’ve demanded three, as I want her fully recovered.
Christine: How about we make it four?
Claire: She’d never go for that, she’s a workhorse.
Christine: To our detriment.
Arthur: What sort of back injury? Did she break her back?
Claude: She lucked out and avoided and fractures of tears. She just pulled her back and suffered a lumbar strain. She also has a few herniated discs. She’ll be fine, but she needs rest.
Selina: You gathered us to tell us Olivia has a boo-boo? Alicia taught me that one, it’s an American word for a minor injury! It’s perfect for mocking!
Ethan: You don’t need to knock my sister’s injuries, Selina. She could’ve been seriously hurt.
Selina: But she wasn’t, so it’s funny!
Claire: I, for one, am glad she’s fine, and that she’s taking time off for herself. My mum had a fall at the park once and she needed surgery to fix her injuries. She was hospitalized for a week!
Selina: God, the thought of Olivia rotting in a hospital bed for a week just brings me to tears. Happy tears.
Claude: All right, back on track! Olivia performs more royal duties than anyone in this family, and it’ll be difficult to step up and take on her responsibilities. That’s why we’re all going to chip in together to take on her duties.
Selina: So Olivia gets injured and now I have to do more work because of it? This story has taken a heartbreaking turn.
Eleanor: In times of crisis, we all have to chip in to get through it!
Arthur: She pulled a few muscles, she’s not dying. Hardly a crisis.
Eleanor: In times of strife. Better?
Arthur: Yes, gran!
Claude: Olivia has offered up the services of Fred and her kids as well, and they’re going to be performing royal duties for the first time ever. We’re going to support them as they take on these new challenges.
Christine: Surely this will end well.
Claude: It’s better than all of us having to do two extra engagements for the next three weeks. This makes the workload more manageable for all of us.
Eleanor: I welcome it! I think they’re going to finally find the value in our work.
Meanwhile, at Olivia’s…
Gigi: You’re making us do what?
Fred: I am, admittedly, quite confused as well.
Olivia: I felt terrible about having to take three unplanned weeks off to recover, and I felt it necessary to offer up replacements.
Gigi: Did they have to be us?
Todd: I think this is a lovely way to support mum at this trying time.
Gigi: She pulled her back. She’s going to live, Todd. Considering she gets to simply stay home and watch television, she gets to live a life anyone would envy for these next few weeks.
Olivia: I’d much rather not be injured! I hate being lazy! I hate knowing I could be busy doing something.
Todd: I’m the same way! It’s why I look forward to taking on your royal duties.
Olivia: I really appreciate that attitude! If one some others could adopt it!
Fred: I don’t mean to be negative, this just hasn’t ever been how I’ve lived my life. I’m not a royal, I have no royal responsibilities. You go off to meet children at hospitals and visit soldiers in the Royal Navy. I don’t think any children or soldiers would be excited to meet me! I’m a nobody!
Olivia: You are not! But, if they really are confused by who you are, just make sure to tell them that Princess Olivia is sad she couldn’t visit, but she sends her best! Just so they don’t feel entirely let down!
Gigi: I’m not a people person.
Olivia: That’s what’s going to make this so fun!
Gigi: We have differing views on what “fun” is.
Olivia: Expanding your horizons is so important, even at your age.
Todd: Mum just called you old!
Gigi: I’m only a few years older than you, you must be old, too.
Olivia: Neither of you are old! You can’t be, because I’m youthful myself! Someone with such a child-like spirit can’t have “old” kids.
Gigi: Fred, how medicated is she right now?
Fred: Very.
Olivia: Trust me, taking time off from my work hurts me as much as it hurts you to do the work for me.
Gigi: I promise you that that can not possibly be true.
Three weeks later…
Olivia: Midge, I really do appreciate you stopping in to check on me while Fred’s been out.
Midge: I don’t mind it at all, though you do seem so much better! These weeks off have been amazing for you.
Olivia: I have shockingly quite enjoyed them. Though, I’m not entirely better. I think I’m going to need another week off.
Midge: You look fine! You’re walking fine! Heck, I saw you bend over to pick up the remote and you didn’t even groan from pain once.
Olivia: You saw nothing, and Fred will certainly never hear that you did.
Midge: Got it! You deserve the time off anyway!
Olivia: It’s not “time off,” Midge. It’s “recovery time.” Are we clear?
Midge: Crystal!
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next Monday!
