Ethan and Selina are at their home.
Selina: Would it kill you to push in your chair or pick up after yourself every now and then?
Ethan: I just got up, dear. Must you make such an issue about me walking away for a moment without realizing I hadn’t pushed in my chair?
Selina: You weren’t going to come back to push it in. You were going to make me do it.
Ethan: When do I ever do that?
Selina: All the time! You never clean up your spot after dinner, you never push in your own chair, you always leave things around the house. I know your mother didn’t raise you this way!
Ethan: We had a butler to do everything! And don’t bring my mother into this!
Selina: Ah, so you’re just spoiled! I’m not your maid! I’m your wife! It’s about time you show a bit more appreciation.
Ethan: Appreciation? I didn’t clean the table while people were still eating and it means I don’t appreciate you? Come on
Selina: There you go, belittling me yet again.
Ethan: Oh my god! You are so dramatic!
Selina: Is it dramatic to want my husband to treat me better?
Ethan: It’s dramatic to start a row over me not pushing in a chair!
Selina: It’s not just about a chair. It’s about a series of actions that makes it clear you don’t me. Little actions around the house, but also, you disagree with me so often around your family, it’s like you make a point to undermine me.
Ethan: Oh my god! Is this about Olivia? You’re mad I agreed with big, scary Olivia?
Selina: I’m mad you care more about taking her side than your own wife’s!
Ethan: She had a good idea about our upcoming trip to Balmoral, and you shot it down because you have disdain for her.
Selina: I have many reasons to have disdain for her!
Ethan: I don’t care, she’s my sister and you need to respect her. I try to strike a balance.
Selina: It’s not the only time. I disagreed with your mother and you took her side, I disagreed with your niece and you took her side.
Ethan: Have you considered that perhaps you’re just disagreeable?
Selina: Are you kidding me? You think that was an appropriate response?
Ethan: This argument is ridiculous, and I’m taking it as serious as it warrants.
Selina: You just insulted me in response to me bringing up how often you insult me! I’m livid!
Ethan: I could tell that much from the sound of your voice.
Selina: Yet you still refuse to take any fault for your own actions.
Ethan: I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt.
Selina: The worst non-apology in the book.
Ethan: I’m just not even sure what you’re asking of me! You want me to blindly take your side? I can’t do that, I try to be objective.
Selina: You blindly take your family’s side!
Ethan: That’s not true, it’s just that you ignore the agreements and pay attention to the disagreements!
Selina: Yes, I’m just too emotional. My fault!
Ethan: Glad you finally get it!
Selina: You’re being an absolute jerk today.
Ethan: You started the argument! Over a chair, might I add!
Selina: It was the last straw.
Ethan: Are you going to divorce me over a chair? I know how you vilify my sister over her divorce, so I expect you to hate yourself until the end of time if you end up doing the same.
Selina: You’re trying to push me over the edge!
Ethan: Quiet down, the children don’t need to hear this.
Selina: And then you tell a woman not to be loud! You’re ridiculous!
Ethan: So what’s the goal of this argument, exactly?
Selina: Do you even listen to me?
Ethan: I’m trying to think of an answer to that that won’t get me yelled at.
A bit later, at Olivia’s apartment…
Olivia: Was that a knock at the door?
Fred: Well, it can’t be Gigi.
Gigi: Good job, Sherlock.
Todd: It’s not me, either.
Gigi: We are, unfortunately, well aware.
Fred: I’ll get the door, since no one else seems like they will.
Olivia: Historically, a knock on that door when we’re not expecting company has never meant anything good. Typically, it’s our imbecile prime minister. No offense, Norah.
Norah: None taken, it’s the nicest thing anyone’s said about her all week.
Fred: Ah, Ethan! Lovely to see you!
Ethan: It’s nice to just see a friendly face.
Olivia: What is my favorite brother doing here?
Gigi: And how’d Fred open that door so fast?
Fred: Your mother was complaining, and distracted, and I just took that opportunity to up and open the door.
Ethan: I hope I’m not intruding.
Olivia: We’re just having a sort of family game night. Nothing you can’t join in on!
Ethan: I’m not much in the mood for games. Selina -
Olivia: What did that scorpion you’re married to do now?
Ethan: It’s so stupid.
Olivia: Most things involving her are.
Norah: Hey, that’s what you usually say about my mum!
Gigi: She spreads her hate around pretty well.
Olivia: Yes, that’s true, I am an equal-opportunity hater. Though, Selina and the Prime Minister do cause me the most grief, so they get the most grief back.
Fred: But enough about my wife’s grievances. What’s troubling you?
Ethan: Selina is mad at me for, well, reasons unbeknownst to me.
Gigi: I have a husband, so I’ll put it gently: if you dig deep enough, you know why she’s mad! Warren takes some time to realize why I’m yelling at him, but he gets it.
Ethan: She says I belittle her and don’t respect her. It started with getting mad about me not pushing my chair in and devolved into her detailing all of the things I do that anger her. That includes never siding with her in any disagreement she has with any of you and making her clean up after me, a complaint she lodged mere seconds after I stood up, not even giving me the opportunity to clean up after myself!
Olivia: Oh, it’s one of those arguments. We’ve all had those with our husbands. Every woman on earth has, at one point or another, felt disrespected by our husband over a series of little actions he didn’t realize he was doing, and then blindsided him by letting it all out at once.
Fred: I can confirm.
Ethan: She’s never done this before! She usually saves all her hate for you! You won’t believe it when I say it, but she’s generally a very cheerful person.
Olivia: Yeah, I don’t believe that in the slightest. I do not see what you see in her.
Ethan: You two used to get along!
Olivia: Then, under the influence of out family, she turned into a judgmental shrew.
Ethan: Really only towards you, though! Not towards me!
Olivia: This must be so tough for you.
Ethan: It is! This is not my Selina! We get along so well! Now, she told me she needs space.
Olivia: And you’re here because?
Ethan: I offered to leave.
Olivia: You surely aren’t serious.
Ethan: She’s my wife, I’m going to give her some space if she needs it.
Gigi: She doesn’t know how good she has it with you, most husbands would never leave the house to give her some space. I screamed at Warren over something stupid last year and his dumb ass hopped into bed right next to me without it being cleared up. I had to actually tell him, breaking the silent treatment I was giving him, that he wasn’t welcome in bed! He tried to talk things out at midnight! Men are dumb!
Todd: Not all of us!
Gigi: Yeah, you’re a real Einstein.
Olivia: I’ve never had a fight like that with Fred, but if I did, I certainly wouldn’t make him leave a home owned by his family if I were mad at him.
Fred: Your family owns our home, dear.
Olivia: Exactly. If we ever bickered so fiercely we couldn’t stand to be in the same home as one another, this is my family’s home, so you’re the one leaving. It’s not about gender, it’s about who has the right to claim ownership. That’s clearly me, and in Ethan’s case, it’s him. He should’ve stood his ground.
Ethan: She had nowhere to go at this time, I did.
Olivia: Where?
Ethan: Do I have to spell it out for you?
Olivia: Get to spelling.
Ethan: I’m politely asking you if I could stay here just for tonight, until Selina’s had time to clear her head and we can make up.
Olivia: Good lord. Claude’s got a whole palace, go ask him! I live in an apartment!
Ethan: An apartment at one of the largest palaces in the United Kingdom. And, he refused to take sides.
Olivia: You think you’re so clever with your little distinctions, don’t you?
Ethan: I will sleep on the couch if it’s too much trouble. I just need somewhere to sleep for a bit.
Fred: We have a guest room, you may use it.
Gigi: I’m staying in that, did you forget?
Fred: We have several. It’s a large apartment. His just won’t have an attached bathroom.
Todd: Gigi’s guest room has an attached bathroom?
Gigi: I’m the favorite, in case you needed any more proof.
Ethan: I don’t want to cause bickering.
Olivia: They’d bicker anyway. You’re free to stay here, I was just pulling your leg.
Ethan: It’ll just be one night, I promise.
Fred: Do you have anything to change into at bedtime? I have plenty of pyjamas if you’d like a pair.
Ethan: I packed some clothes for the night and for tomorrow.
Olivia: She watched you pack and still let you leave? You might be here for more than one night.
Ethan: Don’t say that!
Olivia: I’m simply preparing you for reality.
The next day…
Selina: I’m so glad you’re here to lend an ear!
Claire: I’m going to be honest, I’m not sure how I was the first person you came to for advice, but I am glad to help!
Selina: Everyone else in the family refused to take sides in this spat, I guess with them all being related to Ethan, it was always a long-shot that they’d take my side.
Claire: I’m not taking sides, either. I’m just willing to help two people I’m quite fond of patch things up! So, what’s your problem?
Selina: It sounds so silly, but I just hit a breaking point with him. He was getting under my skin and I finally took it out on him. We all met up yesterday and discussed our trip, and he was so quick to jump in and back Olivia’s idea, even after I disagreed with her. It happens all the time, and I’m tired of it. I don’t think it’s wild to want your husband to side with you from time to time.
Claire: Do you want him to be honest, or do you just want him to be a yes-man?
Selina: I want him to genuinely be on my side. I want him to respect my opinion!
Claire: We can love one another deeply and still disagree. Arthur and I do. Say, Arthur?
Arthur: Oh, I’m not a part of this. It’s an official order from the King, do not get involved in the Royal Civil War.
Selina: It’s not a civil war! It’s a marital row! It’ll blow over, we’re both just angry right now.
Arthur: La la la la la! I can’t hear you!
Claire: All right, disregard his nonsense. He and I do disagree with one another, but it’s fine. Marriage would be so boring if we always thought exactly the same way!
Selina: That wasn’t the only issue. He also leaves so many things around the house for me to do. It’s like I’m a servant or something. I may not have royal blood, but I’m just as much a part of this family as he is, and I work just as hard as he does. He may be tired when he gets home, but so am I. So why does he feel it’s okay to leave me to do everything around the house?
Claire: Now we’re getting somewhere! You need a maid!
Selina: I grew up as a working-class girl from Cornwall, I’m not the type to have a maid.
Claire: Then you have to have a tough conversation with Ethan about him doing his part around the house. You deserve to feel respected.
Selina: I tried last night. I didn’t word it well, I was emotional, but I don’t think he got it at all.
Claire: You told me he left the house on his own accord and said he wanted to give you space. I think he understands he upset you, and I think he’ll be willing to work things out and reach a sensible compromise.
Selina: You think so?
Claire: He’s a sensible guy. More importantly, he loves you.
Selina: I don’t know how much he loves me after last night. I was tough on him. It was like yelling at a misbehaving puppy. He was taken off-guard by it all.
Claire: True love doesn’t fade after one falling out.
Selina: We’re not the couple that bickers! I save my venom for Olivia!
Claire: I’m well aware.
Later that day…
Olivia: You think this is going to work?
Claire: I think this is the only way to resolve things. We have to get them in the same room.
Claude: Again, I’m Switzerland.
Olivia: We know!
Christine: Surely they both have to know what you’re doing here. They’d have to be dumb not to know, this is the oldest trick in the book.
Eleanor: I just want this over, I do not care if they are blindsided by this or not. This is an unwanted distraction.
Christine: That’s a cynical way to frame this, no?
Eleanor: They love each other, they are having an inane fight that does not matter, it needs to be resolved immediately. Our public image has been dragged through the mud enough lately, this can not spill into the public consciousness.
Christine: Does it all have to be about the public image? This is your son’s personal life!
Eleanor: Nothing is more important than our public image. If we lose the public, this all goes away.
Claude: Not really. They’re not going to come take it from us.
Eleanor: Trust me. Us remaining popular is what keeps this country rolling.
Olivia: He’s here!
Claire: So is she!
Christine: Showtime!
Claude: Christine, you’re staying out of this, remember?
Christine: Doesn’t mean I can’t watch.
Mandy: Who’s here?
Claude: Mum, can you get Mandy out of here?
Eleanor: Come on, Mandy, Engelbert Humperdinck wants to meet you!
Mandy: Wow, I love him!
Eleanor: I’m well aware!
Selina: Ethan, what are you doing here? Claire told me- Claire…
Claire: It was the only way to get you here!
Christine: What did she tell you exactly?
Claude: Switzerland!
Selina: There was supposed to be a family crisis that demanded my immediate attention.
Claire: This is that in a way!
Ethan: I was also brought here under false pretenses.
Olivia: That’s such an insidious way to frame it!
Ethan: Selina, I’ve done a lot of thinking. I’m very sorry for not treating you with the respect you’ve earned. You do deserve more help around the house, and maybe I could take your side more often.
Olivia: I don’t know if that part is necess-
Fred: Olivia… take your brother’s lead here.
Selina: I hate to ever argue with you. I’ve felt terrible about how this fight escalated, and how we’ve pulled your entire family into it. Even Olivia.
Olivia: My name’s being invoked, I think I get a rebuttal.
Fred: Olivia!
Selina: All I wanted was for you to help me around the house a bit, and consider my perspective rather than shutting me down immediately. Clearly, based on what you’ve already said, I got through to you.
Ethan: I owe you that much.
Selina: I’m sorry for starting an argument about this rather than bringing it up calmly. This didn’t need to happen. I missed you at home last night, my world is empty without you.
Christine: How sweet! Claude, you never say anything like that to me!
Claude: Perhaps I would if you ever listened to me.
Christine: A low blow.
Olivia: I liked it!
Ethan: Does this mean no divorce?
Selina: It does indeed.
Claude: Such a happy ending! I knew you two crazy kids would work it out!
Olivia: I think I had a major hand in this happy reunion.
Selina: You did not.
Olivia: I’ll get you to like me one of these days!
Selina: When pigs take flight.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next Monday!
