Frances is at a network party at Dana’s house.
Jane: You never told me Dana had such a nice house. This is like being at the White House!
Frances: How was I supposed to know? Dana and I aren’t long-time friends or anything. I’ve never been here before.
Jane: I just assumed that since you had her over to your house for dinner, she did the same for you.
Frances: You assumed wrong.
Marcia: What else is new? Did they discover whether water is wet or not?
Beverly: Can you two go ten minutes without complaining about how stupid Jane is?
Frances: I didn't say anything!
Beverly: You were thinking it.
Frances: Are you psychic now?
Marcia: She’s certainly psycho.
Beverly: Thank you, I wear that on my sleeve quite proudly.
DeAnna: Do any of you have any idea what this party is for? I’m very busy on a Saturday night, but I had to come just in case something important happened.
Frances: I’m not surprised to hear this question from you. I can only assume you don't get invited to too many parties.
DeAnna: So no real answer?
Frances: Aren’t you afraid I’m going to try to “kill” you again? I wouldn’t come over here to ask me questions if I were you!
DeAnna: You can’t get rig of me that easily.
Frances: Are you planning to hang around?
DeAnna: I barely know anyone else. Better to spend time with the devil you know than the one you don’t.
Frances: I think assuming that everyone you don’t know is a “devil” is a least part of the reason you don’t have any friends.
DeAnna: I have friends!
Frances: Charlie is not your friend. He is your boss.
Beverly: i’m your boss and I’m your friend.
Frances: Yes, my boss. You sure are that.
Dana: Hey everybody! I know you’re all enjoying mixing and mingling
Frances: Eh…
Dana: but I’m going to need your attention for just a second. I have a major announcement to make.
Charlie: We both do!
Dana: Yes, we both do. We wanted you to all hear it straight from me that Flora Veracruz is joining the TBC family this winter! She’ll be hosting her own new show for us, the details of which will be announced very soon.
Charlie: Flora was supposed to be joining us tonight, but, you know, car troubles.
Dana: I hope that’s not foreshadowing anything.
Charlie: I’m sure it’s fine.
Frances: Who is Flora Veracruz? Am I supposed to know that?
DeAnna: You are so out of touch! Flora Veracruz is… uh… who is she?
Jane: She’s big online. She has a YouTube page where she’s really popular.
Frances: YouTube?
Jane: Your favorite song is Call Me Maybe and you don’t know what YouTube is? I really thought you were hip, but I guess not.
Marcia: How do you know what it is? You’re a dumbass!
Jane: I’m young!
Marcia: You’re not that young…
Jane: I may not be the brightest, but I - I lost my thought.
Marcia: Don’t worry, I’m sure it didn’t need to be shared to begin with.
Jane: Thank you.
Marcia: Any time.
Two days later…
Marcia: Frances, can you pass the salt?
Frances: Jane, cry on Marcia’s burrito, would ya?
Beverly: Why are you crying again, Jane?
Jane: I got a paper cut. It stings!
Beverly: Do you need the first aid kit?
Jane: Yes, please.
Marcia: Why can we not go through one lunch without someone acting like a lunatic? Jane, it’s a paper cut. You’re not dying!
Frances: It’s pretty deep, they might have to cut her finger off.
Jane: You think so?
DeAnna: Um, hello?
Frances: Bev, get the gun.
Beverly: What gun?
Frances: A rifle, a musket, a pistol, a tranq gun, a harpoon gun… any gun.
Beverly: We don’t have a gun on the set!
Frances: What a nightmare.
DeAnna: I come in peace.
Frances: I don’t believe you.
Marcia: I’m watching the psychological torture version of the gunfight at the OK Corral.
DeAnna: Frances, we have a problem. I don’t want to hear any smart remarks from you, it’s not about how much we hate each other.
Beverly: I would hurry up and tell her if I were you. I don’t think you want to leave a bloody mess for me to clean up, do you?
DeAnna: Frances, that new girl Dana hired -
Frances: Dana and Charlie!
DeAnna: Yeah, right. Anyway, the new hirl, Miss Big Shot -
Marcia: Because you had to be a big shot, didn't you, you had to open up your mouth!
Beverly: Shut up, Wilhelmina Joel.
DeAnna: She’s getting her own nightly primetime show.
Frances: How is this a problem?
DeAnna: You and I air our shows in primetime. The rumor, which I heard through the grapevine, is that our shows are getting moved to three in the afternoon.
Frances: Three? The only people watching then are stay-at-home moms and people in doctors’ office waiting rooms!
DeAnna: Exactly! Our careers will be history! No more magazine covers, no offers for celebrity reality shows, no spotlight. We’ll be has-beens.
Frances: That’s not happening.
Marcia: They’re agreeing on something, and it’s terrifying me.
Beverly: I think it may be snowing in hell. And pigs have likely gained the ability to fly.
DeAnna: Frances, I know we don’t like each other.
Frances: I like you!
DeAnna: Come on…
Frances: There are many people I dislike more than I dislike you.
DeAnna: You hate so many people, this isn’t saying much. But, anyway, what I’m suggesting a truce. We have to team up to take down the greater threat to us, and that’s Flora.
Frances: I agree, DeAnna. How do we accomplish that?
DeAnna: We find dirt on her.
Beverly: Oh god, they’re turning into Holmes and Watson.
DeAnna: We’ll be even more effective than them.
Jane: Who are they? Are they the people that discovered DNA?
Beverly: One of the people who discovered the DNA structure was named Watson. We should give her some credit here.
Marcia: Beverly, I don’t give a Crick about that.
Frances: Nerds! Both of you!
DeAnna: So, Frances, how are we planning to expose Flora?
Frances: Let’s just both do our own digging and meet up in like three days to discuss what we discovered. Then we’ll bring it to Dana and Charlie and get her canceled before she even started.
Marcia: Why are you so certain you’ll find any dirt on her?
Frances: She’s a twenty-something who uses the internet all the time. We’ll find something.
Beverly: What were you doing in your twenties that gives you this negative view of people that age?
Frances: Just the usual.
Jane: What would that be?
Frances: Shut up! Flora’s going down, DeAnna and I will ensure it.
DeAnna: That’s right! We’re gonna show we can be a hell of a team.
That night, when Frances returns home…
Frances: Lauren, I need your assistance.
Lauren: I’ll be in the kitchen in a minute!
Frances: Oh, it’s not that.
Louise: Yeah, I’m making dinner. I’m capable!
Jimmy: No one ever said you weren’t honey.
Louise: It’s always insinuated!
Greg: Methinks someone is just a bit too insecure.
Louise: Don’t gaslight me, Gregory.
Frances: Lauren, could we go out to the patio? These people are not going to shut up, clearly.
Jimmy: No, we’ll be quiet! Don’t leave us out of the conversation!
Frances: You guys are addicted to eavesdropping.
Jimmy: It gives me joy.
Frances: Anyway… Lauren, I need you t o do my a favor. I know you’re busy, but I’m in trouble at work.
Greg: Again? Whose car did you hit this time, honey?
Louise: We’re going to have to get her driving lessons.
Jimmy: More like an anger management course.
Frances: Shut up! I didn’t hit anyone!
Greg: Oh, thank god.
Frances: My show is at risk of being moved to daytime because of a new hire at the network. That, obviously, is a disaster.
Louise: Why is it a disaster, exactly?
Frances: Primetime is when the people watch TV! Three o’clock is when they air repeats of Cheers!
Jimmy: She makes a good point. Most people are at work at that time.
Frances: They think I’m a has-been. They might be right! What if I don’t have the goods anymore? What if I’m out-of-touch?
Lauren: Are you asking me to get you in touch with the times?
Frances: God, no! I don’t have to change, they do! No, I need your help getting dirt on Flora Veracruz.
Greg: That does feel like the logical next step.
Frances: Thank you, I agree.
Lauren: Aunt Frances, what do you want me to do?
Frances: You’re young, use the internet. I know there has to be something out there.
Jimmy: Has this woman ever done anything to deserve being maligned and targeted like this?
Frances: She’s trying to take my job.
Jimmy: That’s not enough.
Frances: Why are you being like this? You’re being a real jerk.
Jimmy: You’re the one trying to tear down a young woman with a bright future ahead of her, no?
Frances: How do you know who she is?
Louise: You complained about her on Saturday, you said Dana made way too big a deal about her being hired.
Greg: Someone’s jealous…
Frances: Lauren, will you help or not? You’re my only hope, I’m terrible at the internet.
Lauren: I don’t know if it’s a good idea, aunt Frances. Why do looking for problems?
Frances: I won’t be able to afford this house if my show gets canceled! I’ll be homeless!
Greg: We, uh, we won’t be.
Frances: Think of me, Lauren. On the street, panhandling. Like I’m Florida.
Lauren: What do you guys think?
Louise: I think we’ve made our thoughts pretty clear.
Jimmy: You’ve gone off the deep end this time, Frances.
Greg: I don’t mind it when you try to take DeAnna down, because she’s an awful person who has taunted you for years. This Veracruz girl has done nothing.
Frances: She’s conceited!
Louise: And you’re not? All celebrities are, this is widely known.
Frances: I won’t be a celebrity anymore once Flora takes my job!
Louise: At least you’ll finally have time to do Ballroom Celebrities!
Frances: I can think of nothing worse. I have to keep my time slot.
Lauren: I’ll do it if you stop begging. It makes me sad.
Frances: You mean it?
Lauren: Yes!
Jimmy: Honey, just don’t do anything illegal.
Lauren: She’s an internet chef, I don't think I’ll have to commit any crimes in investigating her.
Jimmy: You never know!
Lauren: I know.
Louise: I’m just sort of glad that I’m not longer the most immoral one here.
Greg: I’d wait on that victory lap if I were you.
Lauren: Well, I guess I’d better get to work. Digging up dirt on people takes time and effort!
Frances: Oh, and, uh, DeAnna and I want to present our evidence to Dana and Charlie in like three days, so lets try and find that dirt by then.
Lauren: Gee, thanks.
Three days later…
DeAnna: So, Frances. Moment of truth.
Frances: What did you find out about her?
DeAnna: You go first.
Frances: I asked first!
DeAnna: I was the one who came up with this idea in the first place, I should be the first to reap the benefits.
Beverly: My god, someone just say something!
Frances: My niece and I didn’t find anything suspicious. I’m sorry! She seems normal.
Beverly: Your niece?
Marcia: You roped Lauren into this? Frances…
DeAnna: Your niece was your investigator?
Frances: We didn’t really plan this out thoroughly.
DeAnna: It doesn’t much matter, my PI found nothing, either. She’s squeaky clean.
Beverly: Wow, how did this fool-proof plan fail?
DeAnna: I blame Frances, to be honest.
Marcia: I can’t believe you’d blame your best friend like that.
Frances: You two are taking far too much glee in this. Your jobs are in danger, too!
Marcia: I don’t think I agree with that.
Frances: You can’t deny the facts! Flora is coming for our time slot unless we stop her. DeAnna, we have to stop her.
DeAnna: There is one other option.
Frances: We can’t kill her! Can we?
DeAnna: Jesus! No!
Marcia: I am officially beginning to question whether the parking lot car crash wasn’t accidental after all.
DeAnna: We go to Dana and Charlie’s office and we beg on our knees that they don’t shunt us to daytime.
Frances: That seems to be our last course of action, so let’s just do it.
Beverly: We’ll just be here, waiting to get back to work.
Marcia: Because filming delays are certainly a way to woo the network into giving your show preferential treatment.
In Dana and Charlie’s office…
Dana: Ladies, what are you doing here together? I swear, if there was another accident…
Frances: You’ve made a mistake.
DeAnna: Let me do the talking, Frannie.
Frances: I can talk if I want to!
Dana: Someone explain my mistake to me! I do love being corrected.
Frances: Where is Charlie, by the way?
Dana: Physical therapy. Now, what are you here together for?
DeAnna: Flora Veracruz can not take our time slot. We have been such loyal and valuable assets to the TBC lineup and -
Dana: Let me stop you right there. You are the fifth and sixth people to come to my office under the impression that Vera is taking their time slot. Who told you she was? Was it Lola?
DeAnna: I was told by a confidante that it was a credible rumor circulating on the lot.
Dana: Well, it’s not credible. Vera’s not getting your time slot, or Tom Verino’s slot, or Sherilyn Carmichael’s. Your shows are staying put.
Frances: Well, where is Vera’s show airing?
Dana: I suppose I’ll have to tell you this to put your fears to rest. Ethel Harbetty is retiring in a few months. She’s going through some health struggles and she wants a low-key exit. Vera’s taking her time slot at ten.
Frances: I always did think it was funny that you threw an old bat on at ten when her peers were already in bed.
DeAnna: Frances, stop being rude and embrace the victory.
Frances: The victory that I no longer have to be nice to you? That is a big win!
Dana: Do not do this in my office! At least have the decency to go into the hall for one of your trademark screaming matches.
Frances: No screaming here, Dana. Just gratitude. Thank you for not betraying us. It means more than you know.
Dana: That was unusually heartfelt. Thank you, Frances.
Frances: Now, if you excuse me, I should get back to filming this networks eight PM anchor.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
