On the set of Frances in the Kitchen…
Beverly: Well, girls. That’s a wrap on another week.
Marcia: I feel like every week goes by so fast.
Frances: I don’t. Man, do I need a break.
Marcia: Aww, you’re too sweet.
Frances: I don’t mean a break from you guys. I just mean I need one in general. I’m so tired. The commute is absolutely exhausting.
Beverly: So, any big plans for the weekend, then? Lots of relaxing, I assume.
Frances: Greg and I are going to Six Flags.
Jane: I was never good at identifying the flags in school.
Beverly: There’s a shock.
Marcia: Jane feels like the type to ask why the national anthem is called “The Star-Spangled Banner.”
Jane: I’m not that stupid!
Beverly: Sure you're not, sweetheart.
Marcia: I gotta be honest with you, Frances. You don’t strike me as a Six Flags person. Was this your idea?
Beverly: She says she wants to relax and she’s going to Six Flags? Clearly not her idea.
Frances: It was my idea!
Marcia: Do you know what Six Flags is? It’s not a class where you learn about flags, like Jane seems to think. It does not seem like your forte at all.
Frances: I like amusement parks. I like fun! I’m not some Debbie Downer.
Marcia: I was thinking more along the lines of The Grinch. Like you’re only going to Six Flags to steal pretzels from grandmas and rip stuffed animals from the arms of children as you single-handedly dismantle the Tatsu coaster.
Frances: I appreciate that you think I’m capable of super-villainy, but I truly am only going to have fun.
Jane: I like roller coasters. I like to stand on them.
Frances: That’s… I don’t think that’s what you’re supposed to do on those.
Beverly: You realize Magic Mountain is almost as far from your house as the studio is, right? It’s right down the road, pretty much.
Frances: I don’t know everyone seems to think that I’ve not thought this through. I’m going to a park to have fun with my husband. That’s fully normal.
Marcia: We’re only giving you a hard time, we know you like to have fun.
Frances: I think you’re just jealous I didn’t invite you for once.
Marcia: I am not, I’m not a ride person.
Frances: Oh, so you were projecting. You’re the one who hates fun.
Jane: I’m confused.
Beverly: Aww, we know.
Marcia: I do not hate fun. In fact, I’m going to go with you and I’m going to have the time of my life. Without Howard.
Frances: I don’t recall inviting you.
Marcia: What time should I meet you there. Eleven?
Beverly: If she’s going, I’ll go. Without Earl.
Frances: This is why I keep my weekend plans from you.
Jane: I wanna go, too!
Frances: This is clearly turning into a work trip, so I guess I’ll pick you up. I don’t trust you to drive that far.
Jane: I drive that far every day.
Beverly: Do you want to save money on gas or what?
Jane: See you at eleven, Frances!
Marcia: It’s a ninety minute drive from your apartment, Jane. I’d hope you’re ready for Frances a bit before eleven.
Jane: So ten?
Frances: Close enough. I’ll speed.
Beverly: We’ll see you at three.
Later that night, when Frances returns home…
Louise: You ready for the big day tomorrow?
Frances: Greg! You told them? We were supposed to sneak out of the house tomorrow and make them think we were kidnapped.
Greg: She pried it out of me!
Louise: I looked at you and said “What are we doing tomorrow?” and you sang like a canary.
Jimmy: He sang like a songbird. Like Christine McVie closing out a Fleetwood Mac concert.
Greg: Peer pressure works on me, what can I say?
Frances: I see them prepping a cooler, does that mean you invited them to come along?
Greg: Perhaps.
Lauren: We didn’t even have to ask if he minded if we tagged along, he immediately offered to let us come along.
Frances: That tracks.
Greg: You’re taking it well.
Frances: Yeah, well, I also managed to invite three bozos to come with us. Mine was accidental, though.
Greg: We’ll still have fun! It’ll still be romantic!
Louise: We’re right here, man.
Jimmy: You’re talking about us coming along as if we’re going to perform a root canal on you on the Tilt-a-Whirl. We won’t impact your plans at all.
Lauren: They got rid of the Tilt-a-Whirl. It’s communism, if you ask me.
Louise: Ignore her, she accidentally watched Bill O’Reilly last night.
Frances: I’m going to be honest with you, Greg. I don’t know if we were ever going to have the most romantic weekend adventure at Six Flags Magic Mountain, so I suppose our family and my co-workers tagging along isn’t the worst thing. They should entertain us, at least.
Lauren: What are you talking about? Magic Mountain is the Paris of Californian amusement parks, everybody knows this.
Jimmy: I always thought that was Knott’s Berry Farm.
The next morning…
Frances: Jane, come on! We’re going to be late!
Jane: It’s too early to be rushing.
Frances: You have to leave for work earlier than this.
Jane: Too early on a Saturday, then.
Frances: Were you out partying last night or something?
Jane: A little.
Lauren: And you didn’t invite me?
Jane: You don’t seem like a partying type.
Lauren: I party! I have fun!
Jane: Hey, Frances, she sounds like you yesterday!
Frances: Oh, lord, she does.
Louise: You two are spending too much time together.
Frances: We wouldn’t spend nearly this much time together if you’d ever find a new place to live like you promised!
Jane: I did find a new place!
Frances: I wasn’t referring to you!
Greg: Jane, could you close the door, please? We’re running a bit late and you can talk the whole way there if you want.
Jane: I feel like I’m forgetting something!
Louise: The fact that we were supposed to leave at ten?
Ninety minutes later…
Louise: Are we there yet?
Lauren: Mom, you’re worse than a child.
Louise: That’s a Frances line if I ever heard one.
Frances: I actually was about to say the same thing.
Jimmy: Honey, you have to resist the urge to turn into your aunt.
Louise: We don’t need two of them. Hell, we don’t even need one.
Frances: You certainly need one, seeing as you’re still mooching off of my two years later.
Jane: Wow, the tensions are broiling over today.
Louise: Shut up, Jane.
Greg: I think you mean “boiling.”
Jane: I don’t think so?
Frances: Anyway, we are here.
Louise: It doesn’t look like we’re here.
Frances: We have to drive through the gate first, Louise..
Louise: Then we aren’t really here, are we?
Frances: Jimmy, control your wife before I slap her.
Jimmy: No slapping, please.
Frances: If she learns how to act, I promise there will be no slapping.
Greg: Maybe we could all get along if we just listen to some music.
Louise: Put The Beatles on!
Frances: I don’t have a Beatles CD in the car, you’re getting Madonna.
Louise: I don’t like Madonna!
Frances: Greg, hold my earrings.
Fifteen minutes later…
Beverly: Oh, look, Marcia. She is alive!
Marcia: I was ready to file a police report.
Frances: We’re like twenty minutes late.
Beverly: You said eleven!
Frances: You said eleven! I said I was picking Jane up at ten, I’m sorry you’re bad at math.
Greg: No fighting, girls. We’re here to have fun.
Beverly: This is how we have fun!
Marcia: This place is packed, so we need to get in line so we can hopefully get in by lunch.
Jimmy: Did you guys eat? We ate.
Louise: That was two hours ago.
Jimmy: We should enjoy the park a bit before we get food.
Frances: Yeah. We work with food every day, we can go without it for once, right?
Marcia: Come on.
Greg: I take it we’re stopping for a bite to eat, then?
Frances: I fear we must if we don’t want to hear whining.
Marcia: We would have eaten if we knew you’d be so damn pokey.
Frances: That’s your fault. It’s on you.
Marcia: Agree to disagree.
Two hours later…
Lauren: I feel like we’ve been in this line for an eternity.
Frances: Well, someone felt it necessary to go on the newest ride in the park. I was fine going on the bumper cars.
Marcia: The bumper cars? I think we have a few more years left before we turn into The Golden Girls.
Lauren: You’re actually the same age that Ru-
Marcia: Not helpful.
Jimmy: I’m sorry, everyone. I just thought it looked fun, I guess everyone else here got the same idea.
Greg: Look, we’re like halfway there.
Beverly: And it’s given us plenty of time to digest our lunches.
Frances: I sort of wish I’d eaten more than a handful of Greg’s french fries now.
Marcia: That’s what you get for feeling acting childish and pouting.
Frances: There is no need to point fingers. Remember, Jimmy’s the reason we’ve been in this line for an hour!
Jimmy: I thought there was no need to point fingers.
Frances: That was then and this is now.
Jimmy: You said those two sentences back-to-back.
Frances: I’m starving, it’s hot, and my feet are killing me. I’m not thinking rationally!
Louise: So, Greg. Enjoying this romantic day?
Greg: I’m just happy we’re all together.
Louise: Bulls-
Lauren: The line’s moving, everyone put your knives away.
Jimmy: Not really knives, everyone! No one here has a weapon, please do not throw us out!
Frances: If we get thrown out because of Lauren, all three of you are moving out of my guest house tonight.
Jimmy: Wow, she really is in a mood.
Frances: Everyone get off my case!
Marcia: This better be the single-greatest roller coaster of all-time if we have to put up with this nonsense over it.
Frances: I am so thirsty!
Beverly: I bet that overpriced five dollar lemonade sounds good right about now.
Frances: Man, I hate bullies.
One hour later…
Jimmy: See! That was fun!
Frances: It lasted two minutes.
Louise: That’s what I heard you say to Greg last night.
Lauren: Mom!
Louise: It’s all in good fun! Right?
Jimmy: I can’t even look at you right now.
Beverly: So, where to next?
Marcia: I bet there’s a short line at the bumper cars, which I’ve heard Frances is a massive fan of!
Frances: None of you were invited, I let you come out of the goodness of my heart! Stop being mean to me!
Jane: You know, she’s right.
Frances: Thank you, Jane. You’re the only one around here with any common sense today. Other than you, honey.
Marcia: Frances, please think about what you just said.
Frances: I mean every word of it!
Beverly: I’m going to get you a drink, I think you may be suffering from dehydration.
Louise: Does dehydration turn you into a massive b-
Frances: Thank you, Bev. You’re a true friend.
Beverly: I know I am.
Marcia: Hey, let’s go to the swingy pirate ship. Right now.
Frances: That’s away from the food stand.
Marcia: I’m sure there’s lemonade on the way there, let’s go.
Frances: You’re being weird. I wanted to go on another roller coaster, the Viper. That’s in the other way.
Marcia: Pirate ship first. You know how the lines get for those marquee attractions.
Frances: Like the swinging pirate ship? The one for children?
Lauren: Oh, I see what you’re trying to do.
Frances: Someone help me, I’m lost.
Louise: The pirate ship will help you find your way!
Frances: I’m going to the roller coaster to prove I’m a thrill seeker. You guys enjoy your kiddie rid-
DeAnna: Frances? What in the hell are you doing here?
Jimmy: Bet you wish we were on a swashbuckling adventure now, arrgh?
DeAnna: You knew I was coming here this weekend, and you had the nerve to come here, too? Why, to antagonize me on my day off? Your obsession with me is getting more than a bit excessive.
Marcia: It’s not to late to go to the private ship.
Beverly: Here you go, Frances, here’s your - oh, shit.
DeAnna: The whole gang’s here!
Jimmy: In her defense, we weren’t supposed to be.
DeAnna: You all drive me insane.
Lauren: Nice to see you again!
DeAnna: Frances, you knew I was having a meet and greet here today, I bragged about it for weeks. Why would you come here?
Frances: You know, now that you mention it, that may be where the Six Flags idea popped into my head.
Louise: Did you really drag us all here just to screw up DeAnna’s day? That’s insane!
DeAnna: You’re okay, Frances’ sister-in-law!
Frances: Don’t talk to her.
DeAnna: I’ll talk to whoever I want to. I’m a grown woman!
Frances: And you still act like that? Pity.
Lauren: It’s a big park, you guys. There’s room for the both of you.
Frances: Look what you did, DeAnna. You got my niece talking like she’s in an old western!
DeAnna: I’ll tell you what, our days don’t have to be ruined. You just stay out of this part of the park until four o’clock, when my event is over.
Frances: Are you not going to see the rest of the park after you’re done with your meet-and-greet?
DeAnna: I’m just going to pray that I don’t run into you again. I’m offering an olive branch.
Frances: What do you want in exchange for that olive branch? What do you get from this?
DeAnna: Peace of mind that I wont’ have to see you for at lest a few more hours.
Frances: Fine. We’ll stay away from where you are, as if I’d volunteer to see your face any more than I must. Have a terrible day!
DeAnna: You, too!
Six hours later, at the fireworks show…
Greg: You know, Frannie, even with the rough start, I’d say we had a pretty good day.
Frances: We got to spend it together, that was nice.
Greg: We went on roller coasters, we went on that log flume -
Frances: Twice, in an attempt to melt Louise.
Greg: We did those bumper cars, we went on the scrambler -
Frances: Bad idea after dinner.
Greg: We got to spend it with each other, and really enjoy the day.
Frances: And now we get to watch the fireworks together. Alone, because the others are buying candy.
Greg: We finally got our romantic moment.
Frances: I’d be enjoying it a lot more if you didn’t insist on sitting beneath this blanket.
Greg: It’s cold!
Frances: It’s seventy!
Greg: That’s cold!
Frances: Michigan would eat you alive.
Louise: Speaking of Michigan!
Frances: Mood killed!
Louise: Were you having a moment? I’ll go.
Frances: Ah, no. Family matters, too. We can watch this fireworks together.
Louise: Good I have someone to watch them with. Lord knows everyone else is pokey as all hell.
Frances: These are the moments that we truly cherish.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
