Frances rushes into the studio.
Frances: I’m so sorry I’m late! The traffic was crazy.
Beverly: It’s no worry, we were just talking to Dana.
Frances: Dana?
Dana: Hello, Frances.
Frances: To what do we owe the pleasure?
Marcia: You’re going to love this!
Frances: Oh, I’m sure.
Dana: I promise it’s something fun!
Frances: You’re an soulless entertainment executive who only cares about money. Your definition of fun, I assume, is jumping into a pool of coins like Scrooge McDuck.
Dana: Contrary to popular option around here, I’m not a heartless ghoul -
Frances: I said “soulless,” not “heartless.” It’s scientifically impossible to live without a heart.
Dana: I like fun things is what I’m trying to say! We have a fun TBC summer event that Charlie and I came up with and we’re really excited about it. In two, we’re going to send the crews of our shows all across America to film new episodes.
Frances: What does that accomplish, exactly?
Beverly: It’s a promotional event. We all do a week of shows in a different state and they’re going to go all-out promoting it as “50 States of TBC.” Everyone loves a good gimmick! It’s a good way to get some casual viewers.
Frances: As long as I don’t have to go back to Colorado. I still have nightmares about that trip.
Dana: You’re actually going to Wisconsin!
Frances: Can I go to Colorado instead?
Dana: Is there something wrong with Wisconsin?
Marcia: Yeah, Frances, is there?
Frances: Just not a fan.
Dana: I thought you were from the midwest?
Frances: I’m from Michigan, the state Wisconsin wishes it could be.
Beverly: She’s completely irrational about this, I’m sorry.
Frances: I am completely rational! It’s a crappy state where all they do is worship cheese! They have no culture, no personality, nothing to justify that sense of superiority that they hold.
Marcia: Tell us how you really feel.
Frances: The Upper Peninsula is ours, fair and square!
Jane: Isn’t Wisconsin the potato state?
Marcia: That’s Idaho.
Frances: As I said, Wisconsin is the cheese state. Their one redeeming quality is that they have dairy. Woo-hoo.
Dana: Well, I’m glad you’re so acquainted with it. Charlie and I are very excited to see the shows you put together there.
Frances: It’s been a long time since we’ve even seen Charlie. How do we know you didn’t kill him so you could torture us?
Dana: As if I’d risk imprisonment just to torture you when DeAnna does it so effortlessly just by existing.
DeAnna: Did I hear my name?
Frances: Can this day get any worse?
Beverly: I don’t know, maybe we can begin filming and see if you start anything on fire.
Frances: I did that ONE time, let me live it down.
Beverly: Only if you start acting normal.
Frances: So, Satan, what state are you filming in?
DeAnna: Florida.
Frances: That makes sense. You are the Florida of people.
DeAnna: Sunny and beloved?
Frances: Weird and full of meth.
DeAnna: Excuse me? I would never do drugs!
Frances: Apologies. I meant to say that you look a mess.
DeAnna: You’re so filled with hatred.
Dana: Does anyone work around here?
Beverly: Yes, I do. Frances, in the kitchen.
Jane: Hey, that’s the show we’re on right now!
Marcia: She says as if we’re ever going to get around to filming for today.
Later that night, when Frances is eating dinner at home.
Frances: Big news, guys! We’re going to Wisconsin!
Louise: Don’t joke like that.
Lauren: I almost choked on my breadstick.
Jimmy: What’s the real news?
Frances: You’ve already heard it.
Lauren: I don’t have the energy for this today.
Jimmy: Weren’t we supposed to go to Oregon on vacation this year? What happened to that?
Frances: The Oregon trip is still on! This is just a bonus trip.
Louise: A “bonus trip” to hell is still, at the end of the day, a trip to hell. You’re still dead and roasting.
Jimmy: Wisconsin is not that bad.
Louise: I said the same thing in high school when I dated a boy who transferred from a school in Sturgeon Bay. He broke my heart into a million pieces and to this day, I hate Wisconsin and I can’t eat sturgeon.
Jimmy: You never would have found me if it worked out.
Louise: Yes, but his family was rich.
Jimmy: Frances is rich!
Frances: And don’t you forget it!
Louise: Anyway,I hate Wisconsin.
Greg: That’s quite clear. Why do the rest of you hate it?
Lauren: Mom forced me to hate it. It’s just how I was raised.
Louise: Damn right I did.
Jimmy: You’re supposed to resent the state that borders your home state.
Greg: Are you?
Jimmy: I believe this is common knowledge.
Frances: Guys, just think. Wisconsin isn’t Ohio. It could be much worse!
Louise: They could drop an atomic bomb on Ohio and I wouldn’t bat an eye.
Frances: Exactly! No reason not to come to Wisconsin when there are worse states out there.
Greg: Like Jersey!
Louise: Don’t you hate on New Jersey! It is a lovely state! I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without New Jersey!
Frances: You’re not helping Jersey’s case.
Greg: Why are you going to Wisconsin at all if you hate it so much?
Frances: That bi- wonderful woman Dana. Her and Charlie had such a bright, creative idea to have every TBC show film in a different US state for a week, and I was assigned Wisconsin. I believe it was punishment, to tell you the truth.
Lauren: Punishment for what?
Frances: Speaking my mind and telling the truth.
Louise: So you’re going to Wisconsin for work, and you want to drag us all along because…?
Frances: Because I don’t trust you alone in my house while I’m gone.
Jimmy: Well, that stings.
Frances: Louise, you didn’t have any trouble coming on my work trip when it was in Aspen. You practically invited yourself.
Greg: I still believe she poisoned me so she could go instead.
Louise: That was different, there are things to do in Aspen. What is there to do in Wisconsin? Eat cheese? Complain about how much the Packers blow?
Lauren: Didn’t they just win the Super Bowl last year?
Louise: I don’t know, I don’t do sports!
Jimmy: You and Greg are always looking for some alone time. Here’s your chance!
Frances: I don’t want us to suffer alone!
Jimmy: You’ll have Marcia and the rest of the crew?
Frances: You really aren’t going?
Jimmy: Not a chance in hell, dear.
Frances: This is bullying. I am bullied.
Greg: We’ll have fun.
Frances: Why do you lie?
Two weeks later, at the Green Bay Airport…
Frances: Why are we here? Ole’ Dana couldn’t splurge for Milwaukee?
Beverly: You have been complaining non-stop for eight hours.
Frances: And I will continue to do so until this godforsaken nightmare of a trip is through!
Marcia: Gonna be a fun week.
Jane: Why is she so mad about cheese?
Marcia: Did you not listen to the rant on the plane?
Jane: No, I tuned it out.
Marcia: I can’t believe I’m about to say this… smart girl.
Beverly: Green Bay is beautiful this time of year.
Frances: Yeah, Aaron Rodgers isn’t here with his stupid face.
Jane: Who is Aaron Roberts?
Frances: He’s a mean, mean man who beats the Lions a lot.
Jane: So, like, a zookeeper?
Marcia: How have you not gotten yourself killed yet?
Beverly: The world may never know.
Greg: Where is our hotel?
Beverly: Are you not enjoying the airport?
Greg: I’m just curious.
Beverly: I’m pulling your leg, who likes the airpot?
Jane: I do, I like watching the planes.
Beverly: Why am I not surprised?
Marcia: We’re staying in downtown Green Bay. Right by the water
Frances: In the slums.
Marcia: Don’t say that.
Frances: This whole place is a hellhole! Look around you Marcia, we’re at the threshold of hell!
Marcia: Well, Chevy Chase, I happen to think this place is pretty neat.
Beverly: Where else do they have fresh cheese at the airport?
Frances: They have to sell you on the place using the one thing they contribute to society.
Beverly: Get it out now, you’re going to have to pretend to like it here when we’re filming.
Marcia: She might burst into flames.
Three days later…
Marcia: You really don’t like it here?
Frances: We’re in a town named after a fish, Marcia. A fish!
Greg: You like Cape Cod, right? Cod is a fish.
Frances: That’s different. Cod is a top-tier fish. What the hell is a sturgeon? And why does every town here seem to end in “Bay”?
Marcia: Now you’re nit-picking?
Beverly: Now?
Greg: Isn’t this that town Louise’s high school boyfriend is from?
Frances: You think we can track him down, tell him he made a mistake and get him to get Louise back? Getting her off my hands would make me finally love Wisconsin.
Beverly: Frances, today’s show was great -
Frances: It always is, but thanks.
Beverly: Dana wants the show to be a bit more Wisconsin-centric. You have to feature the local cuisine a bit more.
Frances: I finally budged on letting you include a view of Green Bay in the background, is that not enough?
Beverly: We were not sent here to not make any attempt to show off the culture.
Frances: What culture?
Marcia: Frances! Come on! This hate is bizarre and a bit manufactured and I know you’ve committed to the bit fully, but it’s ruining what could be a fun vacation.
Frances: Aruba is a vacation. Athens is a vacation. The Adirondacks are a vacation. This is work.
Jane: You can only go on vacation to places starting with “A?”
Frances: What I’m saying is that I don’t find this place fun, and I’m not going out of my way to try tor have fun. I don’t like it here, don’t try to push it.
Marcia: You’re not fun to be on vacation with.
Greg: You guys have fun, we can go back to the hotel and relax.
Jane: I know what you mean by that.
Greg: Uh-huh.
Frances: No, Greg. We’re going to have f***ing fun and we’re going to have it now! Where to?
Beverly: We’re going on a lighthouse tour.
Frances: They’re not as good as Michigan’s, the state with the most lighthouses, but let’s go! I hope one’s shaped like a wheel of cheese! Fun!
Jane: Is she okay?
Marcia: I’ve known her for almost twenty-five years. I don’t know how to answer that question.
Greg: She’s snapped. She’s trying to push against her instincts, and it’s killing her inside. I think she actually is almost enjoying herself here, and it’s scaring her.
Beverly: That smile is scaring me.
Marcia: She’s going to chip a tooth.
The next day…
Beverly: Frances…
Frances: Yes, my fellow cheesehead?
Beverly: I’m so proud of you for going outside your comfort zone and making today’s show Wisconsin-themed. The kringle turned out really well!
Marcia: You even allowed me to carry on a conversation about Wisconsin. You nearly complimented it.
Frances: I have to commit fully. I don’t half-ass anything.
Beverly: Marcia and Jane and I were talking, and we decided on what we’re doing today.
Frances: Without consulting me? What if there were some sort of cheese museum I wanted to go to? What if I wanted to see the house from That 70s Show? What if I wanted to adopt a cow?
Beverly: Plenty of time for that tomorrow. We decided that, since you’ve really been trying so hard to enjoy Wisconsin for damn near twenty-four hours, we’re going to give you a real treat. We’re going to go to the Upper Peninsula and go on a boat ride. Sound good?
Frances: Yes! Of course!
Beverly: We have to leave now.
Frances: Let’s go! Make haste! Get me out of this hick state! Get me to my people!
Jane: I didn’t realize they had boats in Michigan.
Frances: You what?
Jane: I didn’t know! I thought they only had boats in the ocean.
Marcia: This has to be a bit. She can’t be this st-
Beverly: She is. Trust me, she is.
Marcia: That makes me a little sad.
That night, at the hotel, Frances gets a call from Louise.
Louise: Frances! How are you enjoying hell?
Frances: You know, it’s actually not that bad.
The phone hangs up.
Frances: Louise… you there?
Marcia: Did she hang up on you?
Greg: Almost certainly.
Jane: Maybe she went into a tunnel!
Greg: At nine o’clock at night?
Jane: It’s eleven o’clock, silly!
Greg: I’m not explaining time zones to her. Someone else do it.
Frances: I’m calling her back.
Frances calls Louise back.
Louise: I can not believe what you just said to me.
Frances: It’s not as awful as I’d imagined.
Marcia: We finally broke her. She admitted it!
Frances: It’s a beautiful state, Louise.
Louise: What have they done to you?
Greg: You think Jersey is beautiful, you get no say!
Louise: It is!
Beverly: Eh…
Frances: We went somewhere more beautiful today, though, which will always be superior.
Greg: Not Jersey.
Louise: Where’d you go in Michigan?
Frances: The Yoop! We went on a boat ride to see the Pictured Rocks. It was heaven.
Louise: Anything seems like heaven compared to Wisconsin.
Jane: I didn’t really notice much of a difference between Wisconsin and this “Upper Peninsula.”
Louise: Kill her.
Frances: This is why we say you’re the dumb one, Louise.
Marcia: I agree with her fully. I think the UP should be part of Wisconsin.
Greg: We’re all going to die.
Beverly: Not before I get to go to the fish fry!
Louise: You leave them there, Frances. Don’t let traitors back in our midst.
Frances: I’m going to get you guys out here and make you hate it a little less one day. Just enough so that you won’t want to execute someone for comparing it to Michigan.
Louise: Dairyland is sucking you in now, too? What’s in the water?
Frances: Don’t be such a hater.
Beverly: Didn’t she spend this entire trip being a hater?
Marcia: Yes, but then she got to go back home to Michigan and it thawed her heart a bit and now she can love all places freely. It’s like a Disney fairytale.
Frances: No one would set a fairytale in Wisconsin!
Marcia: She’s getting there, at least. Still some thawing to do.
Jane: That reminds me, I want some custard.
Beverly: That’s tomorrow’s show!
Jane: I forgot we have a show to do.
Marcia: Why am I not surprised?
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!