Frances in the Kitchen Season 3 Episode 5 - Wisconsin in the Kitchen

Frances in the Kitchen Season 3 Episode 5
Wisconsin in the Kitchen

Frances rushes into the studio.

Frances: I’m so sorry I’m late! The traffic was crazy.

Beverly: It’s no worry, we were just talking to Dana.

Frances: Dana?

Dana: Hello, Frances.

Frances: To what do we owe the pleasure?

Marcia: You’re going to love this!

Frances: Oh, I’m sure.

Dana: I promise it’s something fun!

Frances: You’re an soulless entertainment executive who only cares about money. Your definition of fun, I assume, is jumping into a pool of coins like Scrooge McDuck.

Dana: Contrary to popular option around here, I’m not a heartless ghoul -

Frances: I said “soulless,” not “heartless.” It’s scientifically impossible to live without a heart.

Dana: I like fun things is what I’m trying to say! We have a fun TBC summer event that Charlie and I came up with and we’re really excited about it. In two, we’re going to send the crews of our shows all across America to film new episodes.

Frances: What does that accomplish, exactly?

Beverly: It’s a promotional event. We all do a week of shows in a different state and they’re going to go all-out promoting it as “50 States of TBC.” Everyone loves a good gimmick! It’s a good way to get some casual viewers.

Frances: As long as I don’t have to go back to Colorado. I still have nightmares about that trip.

Dana: You’re actually going to Wisconsin!

Frances: Can I go to Colorado instead?

Dana: Is there something wrong with Wisconsin?

Marcia: Yeah, Frances, is there?

Frances: Just not a fan.

Dana: I thought you were from the midwest?

Frances: I’m from Michigan, the state Wisconsin wishes it could be.

Beverly: She’s completely irrational about this, I’m sorry.

Frances: I am completely rational! It’s a crappy state where all they do is worship cheese! They have no culture, no personality, nothing to justify that sense of superiority that they hold.

Marcia: Tell us how you really feel.

Frances: The Upper Peninsula is ours, fair and square!

Jane: Isn’t Wisconsin the potato state?

Marcia: That’s Idaho.

Frances: As I said, Wisconsin is the cheese state. Their one redeeming quality is that they have dairy. Woo-hoo.

Dana: Well, I’m glad you’re so acquainted with it. Charlie and I are very excited to see the shows you put together there.

Frances: It’s been a long time since we’ve even seen Charlie. How do we know you didn’t kill him so you could torture us?

Dana: As if I’d risk imprisonment just to torture you when DeAnna does it so effortlessly just by existing.

DeAnna: Did I hear my name?

Frances: Can this day get any worse?

Beverly: I don’t know, maybe we can begin filming and see if you start anything on fire.

Frances: I did that ONE time, let me live it down.

Beverly: Only if you start acting normal.

Frances: So, Satan, what state are you filming in?

DeAnna: Florida.

Frances: That makes sense. You are the Florida of people.

DeAnna: Sunny and beloved?

Frances: Weird and full of meth.

DeAnna: Excuse me? I would never do drugs!

Frances: Apologies. I meant to say that you look a mess.

DeAnna: You’re so filled with hatred.

Dana: Does anyone work around here?

Beverly: Yes, I do. Frances, in the kitchen.

Jane: Hey, that’s the show we’re on right now!

Marcia: She says as if we’re ever going to get around to filming for today.

Later that night, when Frances is eating dinner at home.

Frances: Big news, guys! We’re going to Wisconsin!

Louise: Don’t joke like that.

Lauren: I almost choked on my breadstick.

Jimmy: What’s the real news?

Frances: You’ve already heard it.

Lauren: I don’t have the energy for this today.

Jimmy: Weren’t we supposed to go to Oregon on vacation this year? What happened to that?

Frances: The Oregon trip is still on! This is just a bonus trip.

Louise: A “bonus trip” to hell is still, at the end of the day, a trip to hell. You’re still dead and roasting.

Jimmy: Wisconsin is not that bad.

Louise: I said the same thing in high school when I dated a boy who transferred from a school in Sturgeon Bay. He broke my heart into a million pieces and to this day, I hate Wisconsin and I can’t eat sturgeon.

Jimmy: You never would have found me if it worked out.

Louise: Yes, but his family was rich.

Jimmy: Frances is rich!

Frances: And don’t you forget it!

Louise: Anyway,I hate Wisconsin.

Greg: That’s quite clear. Why do the rest of you hate it?

Lauren: Mom forced me to hate it. It’s just how I was raised.

Louise: Damn right I did.

Jimmy: You’re supposed to resent the state that borders your home state.

Greg: Are you?

Jimmy: I believe this is common knowledge.

Frances: Guys, just think. Wisconsin isn’t Ohio. It could be much worse!

Louise: They could drop an atomic bomb on Ohio and I wouldn’t bat an eye.

Frances: Exactly! No reason not to come to Wisconsin when there are worse states out there.

Greg: Like Jersey!

Louise: Don’t you hate on New Jersey! It is a lovely state! I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without New Jersey!

Frances: You’re not helping Jersey’s case.

Greg: Why are you going to Wisconsin at all if you hate it so much?

Frances: That bi- wonderful woman Dana. Her and Charlie had such a bright, creative idea to have every TBC show film in a different US state for a week, and I was assigned Wisconsin. I believe it was punishment, to tell you the truth.

Lauren: Punishment for what?

Frances: Speaking my mind and telling the truth.

Louise: So you’re going to Wisconsin for work, and you want to drag us all along because…?

Frances: Because I don’t trust you alone in my house while I’m gone.

Jimmy: Well, that stings.

Frances: Louise, you didn’t have any trouble coming on my work trip when it was in Aspen. You practically invited yourself.

Greg: I still believe she poisoned me so she could go instead.

Louise: That was different, there are things to do in Aspen. What is there to do in Wisconsin? Eat cheese? Complain about how much the Packers blow?

Lauren: Didn’t they just win the Super Bowl last year?

Louise: I don’t know, I don’t do sports!

Jimmy: You and Greg are always looking for some alone time. Here’s your chance!

Frances: I don’t want us to suffer alone! 

Jimmy: You’ll have Marcia and the rest of the crew?

Frances: You really aren’t going?

Jimmy: Not a chance in hell, dear.

Frances: This is bullying. I am bullied.

Greg: We’ll have fun.

Frances: Why do you lie?

Two weeks later, at the Green Bay Airport…

Frances: Why are we here? Ole’ Dana couldn’t splurge for Milwaukee?

Beverly: You have been complaining non-stop for eight hours.

Frances: And I will continue to do so until this godforsaken nightmare of a trip is through!

Marcia: Gonna be a fun week.

Jane: Why is she so mad about cheese?

Marcia: Did you not listen to the rant on the plane?

Jane: No, I tuned it out.

Marcia: I can’t believe I’m about to say this… smart girl.

Beverly: Green Bay is beautiful this time of year.

Frances: Yeah, Aaron Rodgers isn’t here with his stupid face.

Jane: Who is Aaron Roberts?

Frances: He’s a mean, mean man who beats the Lions a lot.

Jane: So, like, a zookeeper?

Marcia: How have you not gotten yourself killed yet?

Beverly: The world may never know.

Greg: Where is our hotel?

Beverly: Are you not enjoying the airport?

Greg: I’m just curious.

Beverly: I’m pulling your leg, who likes the airpot?

Jane: I do, I like watching the planes.

Beverly: Why am I not surprised?

Marcia: We’re staying in downtown Green Bay. Right by the water

Frances: In the slums.

Marcia: Don’t say that.

Frances: This whole place is a hellhole! Look around you Marcia, we’re at the threshold of hell!

Marcia: Well, Chevy Chase, I happen to think this place is pretty neat.

Beverly: Where else do they have fresh cheese at the airport?

Frances: They have to sell you on the place using the one thing they contribute to society.

Beverly: Get it out now, you’re going to have to pretend to like it here when we’re filming.

Marcia: She might burst into flames.

Three days later…

Marcia: You really don’t like it here?

Frances: We’re in a town named after a fish, Marcia. A fish!

Greg: You like Cape Cod, right? Cod is a fish.

Frances: That’s different. Cod is a top-tier fish. What the hell is a sturgeon? And why does every town here seem to end in “Bay”?

Marcia: Now you’re nit-picking?

Beverly: Now?

Greg: Isn’t this that town Louise’s high school boyfriend is from?

Frances: You think we can track him down, tell him he made a mistake and get him to get Louise back? Getting her off my hands would make me finally love Wisconsin.

Beverly: Frances, today’s show was great -

Frances: It always is, but thanks.

Beverly: Dana wants the show to be a bit more Wisconsin-centric. You have to feature the local cuisine a bit more.

Frances: I finally budged on letting you include a view of Green Bay in the background, is that not enough?

Beverly: We were not sent here to not make any attempt to show off the culture.

Frances: What culture?

Marcia: Frances! Come on! This hate is bizarre and a bit manufactured and I know you’ve committed to the bit fully, but it’s ruining what could be a fun vacation.

Frances: Aruba is a vacation. Athens is a vacation. The Adirondacks are a vacation. This is work.

Jane: You can only go on vacation to places starting with “A?”

Frances: What I’m saying is that I don’t find this place fun, and I’m not going out of my way to try tor have fun. I don’t like it here, don’t try to push it.

Marcia: You’re not fun to be on vacation with.

Greg: You guys have fun, we can go back to the hotel and relax.

Jane: I know what you mean by that.

Greg: Uh-huh.

Frances: No, Greg. We’re going to have f***ing fun and we’re going to have it now! Where to?

Beverly: We’re going on a lighthouse tour.

Frances: They’re not as good as Michigan’s, the state with the most lighthouses, but let’s go!  I hope one’s shaped like a wheel of cheese! Fun!

Jane: Is she okay?

Marcia: I’ve known her for almost twenty-five years. I don’t know how to answer that question.

Greg: She’s snapped. She’s trying to push against her instincts, and it’s killing her inside. I think she actually is almost enjoying herself here, and it’s scaring her.

Beverly: That smile is scaring me.

Marcia: She’s going to chip a tooth.

The next day…

Beverly: Frances…

Frances: Yes, my fellow cheesehead?

Beverly: I’m so proud of you for going outside your comfort zone and making today’s show Wisconsin-themed. The kringle turned out really well!

Marcia: You even allowed me to carry on a conversation about Wisconsin. You nearly complimented it.

Frances: I have to commit fully. I don’t half-ass anything.

Beverly: Marcia and Jane and I were talking, and we decided on what we’re doing today.

Frances: Without consulting me? What if there were some sort of cheese museum I wanted to go to? What if I wanted to see the house from That 70s Show? What if I wanted to adopt a cow?

Beverly: Plenty of time for that tomorrow. We decided that, since you’ve really been trying so hard to enjoy Wisconsin for damn near twenty-four hours, we’re going to give you a real treat. We’re going to go to the Upper Peninsula and go on a boat ride. Sound good?

Frances: Yes! Of course!

Beverly: We have to leave now.

Frances: Let’s go! Make haste! Get me out of this hick state! Get me to my people!

Jane: I didn’t realize they had boats in Michigan.

Frances: You what?

Jane: I didn’t know! I thought they only had boats in the ocean.

Marcia: This has to be a bit. She can’t be this st-

Beverly: She is. Trust me, she is.

Marcia: That makes me a little sad.

That night, at the hotel, Frances gets a call from Louise.

Louise: Frances! How are you enjoying hell?

Frances: You know, it’s actually not that bad.

The phone hangs up.

Frances: Louise… you there?

Marcia: Did she hang up on you?

Greg: Almost certainly.

Jane: Maybe she went into a tunnel!

Greg: At nine o’clock at night?

Jane: It’s eleven o’clock, silly!

Greg: I’m not explaining time zones to her. Someone else do it.

Frances: I’m calling her back.

Frances calls Louise back.

Louise: I can not believe what you just said to me.

Frances: It’s not as awful as I’d imagined.

Marcia: We finally broke her. She admitted it!

Frances: It’s a beautiful state, Louise.

Louise: What have they done to you?

Greg: You think Jersey is beautiful, you get no say!

Louise: It is!

Beverly: Eh…

Frances: We went somewhere more beautiful today, though, which will always be superior.

Greg: Not Jersey.

Louise: Where’d you go in Michigan?

Frances: The Yoop! We went on a boat ride to see the Pictured Rocks. It was heaven.

Louise: Anything seems like heaven compared to Wisconsin.

Jane: I didn’t really notice much of a difference between Wisconsin and this “Upper Peninsula.”

Louise: Kill her.

Frances: This is why we say you’re the dumb one, Louise.

Marcia: I agree with her fully. I think the UP should be part of Wisconsin.

Greg: We’re all going to die.

Beverly: Not before I get to go to the fish fry!

Louise: You leave them there, Frances. Don’t let traitors back in our midst.

Frances: I’m going to get you guys out here and make you hate it a little less one day. Just enough so that you won’t want to execute someone for comparing it to Michigan.

Louise: Dairyland is sucking you in now, too? What’s in the water?

Frances: Don’t be such a hater.

Beverly: Didn’t she spend this entire trip being a hater?

Marcia: Yes, but then she got to go back home to Michigan and it thawed her heart a bit and now she can love all places freely. It’s like a Disney fairytale.

Frances: No one would set a fairytale in Wisconsin!

Marcia: She’s getting there, at least. Still some thawing to do.

Jane: That reminds me, I want some custard.

Beverly: That’s tomorrow’s show!

Jane: I forgot we have a show to do.

Marcia: Why am I not surprised?

What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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