Frances is in Beverly’s office.
Beverly: So, you’re gone all next week?
Frances: Yes, Beverly. That’s how vacations tend to work.
Beverly: No filming at all?
Frances: This was all laid out months ago. This is a previously-scheduled week-long filming hiatus. I promise, it won’t kill you.
Jane: You should have planned a trip for this week like we did.
Frances: You’re going on a trip? Oh, sweetie, I thought you knew you weren’t coming to Oregon with me.
Jane: Oregon? No, I’m going to Cabo!
Marcia: I can’t lie, I’m a little jealous now.
Frances: You’re the one who pushed for Oregon.
Marcia: It’s not that I’m not excited for Oregon, it’s just, well, it’s Cabo.
Beverly: Who are you going to Cabo with, Jane? I can’t imagine the government would allow you to venture out of the country on your own.
Jane: A few of my cousins.
Marcia: Cousins? You never talk about your cousins! Surely one of them is dispensable enough to cut from the trip in place of me.
Frances: Marcia, give it up.
Marcia: It was worth a try!
Frances: Well, this conversation’s been fun, but I ought to go home and pack.
Marcia: You haven’t packed yet? What the hell are you doing here talking to us?
Frances: I was trying to be courteous.
Marcia: If you aren’t ready to leave first thing tomorrow morning…
Frances: You’ll leave without me? Be my guest. With your navigational skills, you’ll end up in Nevada.
Beverly: Have fun, Frances.
Jane: Yeah, make sure you text us pictures!
Frances: Text pictures? I’m not a teenager!
Jane: Just bring your camera in. I want to see what Oregon’s like.
Marcia: Google’s free.
Jane: It’s not the same!
Frances: I’ll bring my camera. You girls have a lovely week, I will see you tomorrow morning, Marcia.
Marcia: Can’t wait.
In the parking lot…
DeAnna: Someone’s in a hurry!
Frances: I sure am, so don’t bug me.
DeAnna: Whoa, don’t try to run over me again.
Frances: That was like a week ago, how are you still on that?
DeAnna: I heard the incredible news. I don’t have to see you for a week!
Frances: Trust me, I’m equally thrilled about not having to see your mug for a week.
DeAnna: Why all the hate?
Frances: Are you joking?
DeAnna: You tried to kill me!
Frances: I have to get home to pack for my trip. This has been great!
DeAnna: Not so fast.
Frances: Yay, the torture continues.
DeAnna: Remember, Frances. I own you. I know what you did, I know the real you. Don’t slip up, don’t do anything to piss me off. I will bring you down.
Frances: Wow, you sure are scary.
DeAnna: I will go to the cops if you don’t start treating me better. Just you watch.
Frances: May I go home now?
DeAnna: I feel you are not processing this threat fully.
Frances: I got it, DeAnna. You’re blackmailing me. Have a nice day.
DeAnna: That would be illegal. I'm simply giving advice.
Later that night…
Greg: Burning the midnight oil, Frances?
Frances: Where have you been?
Greg: It’s midnight and we have to leave at six in the morning tomorrow. I was asleep on the couch.
Frances: Are you accusing me or something? This is a witch hunt.
Greg: I didn-
Frances: I’m sorry for snapping, I am so tired.
Greg: You have to be almost done packing, no?
Frances: You’re on the couch tonight, buddy.
Greg: I didn’t mean to insult you, I’m sorry.
Frances: That’s not why you’re on the couch. Look at our bed, Greg!
Greg: Oh…
Frances: Yeah, oh. It’ll be another hour or so until this is done.
Greg: Do you want me to help?
Frances: No, I do not. You get your sleep.
Greg: You’re the one driving.
Frances: I don’t trust anyone else to do my packing for me.
Greg: I’m a little hurt by that, but I got the message. Good luck, honey. See you tomorrow.
Frances: You mean see me in a few hours. It’s already tomorrow.
The next morning…
Louise: Is she alive?
Lauren: She’s face-down on the bed. Uncle Greg, is that normal?
Greg: What do you think?
Jimmy: Someone should shake her to make sure she’s all right.
Louise: We have to leave in an hour, so I’d say so, Jimmy.
Greg: She was up very late last night, I’m sure she’s just getting some sleep.
Lauren: But why face-down?
Jimmy: Maybe she collapsed from exhaustion?
Louise: I’ve been known to fall asleep like that after a few too many.
Lauren: Well, her suitcase is still open and there’s still clothing on her bed, so she clearly wasn’t done packing yet.
Frances: What time is it?
Jimmy: She lives!
Frances: Were any of you doubting that?
Louise: Only a little. We knew you were probably alive.
Greg: We’ll leave you alone to get ready.
Frances: I slept three hours.
Greg: Are you okay to drive?
Jimmy: Hell, are you okay to finish packing? You look like you’re about to fall asleep.
Frances: My eyes feel like they’ve got a one-ton weight on each of them, but I am okay to drive. Also okay to pack, don’t you worry.
Louise: Marcia will be here in one hour, so make sure you’re ready.
Frances: I will be ready!
Seven hours later…
Greg: Darling…
Frances: Don’t call me that.
Jimmy: Does Franny need another frappuccino? She’s getting grumpy!
Frances: Franny is fine! Franny is beyond fine, I’m so thrilled.
Marcia: You don’t seem thr-
Louise: Why in the hell are we in San Francisco?
Greg: That’s what I was trying to say before getting cut off.
Louise: Well, you stalled and you lost the floor.
Frances: I must have taken a wrong turn around San Jose.
Louise: Is it because you’re too tired to see straight. We’re all going to die.
Lauren: Are you allergic to San Francisco? We’re not going to die.
Louise: I don’t mean because we’re in San Francisco. I think we’re going to die because we have Sleeping Beauty driving the car.
Frances: You think I’m beautiful? Aww.
Lauren: I think it’s nice we’re going through San Francisco. I’ve never been here before. It’s nice.
Marcia: You’ve never gone over the Golden Gate Bridge before? Louise, how are you raising this child?
Louise: She’s in her twenties, she could’ve gotten here herself. Plus, we didn’t even move here until two years ago.
Frances: Everyone, take in the view, we are not coming this way on the ride home. Golden Gate Bridge is ahead, everyone enjoy it!
Marcia: I wish Howard were here to enjoy it.
Jimmy: Yeah, where is he, by the way? I missed the explanation for that.
Marcia: He fell ill and couldn’t travel. He’s going to try to meet us up there tomorrow.
Frances: You better not be sick, too. My immune system is lowered now and I can not get sick on vacation.
Marcia: You are so dramatic!
Frances: Do you want to try my patience right now?
Greg: Everyone calm down, look at the view!
Frances: We are on the bridge now, bask in it, Lauren! You’re getting the full San Fran experience!
Lauren: I don’t know if this is the full experience, seeing how we didn’t stop once in the actual city.
Jimmy: We could have at least stopped to get a picture of the bridge before we crossed it.
Frances: I’ll pull over when we get to Marin County, okay? That work?
Jimmy: It does, thank you.
Marcia: Oh
Greg: My
Louise: FRANCES!!!
Frances: I see it, okay? No need to come at me like that.
Louise: It’s a parking lot. We’re on a parking lot!
Lauren: Is this a bad time to tell you that I’m afraid of bridges?
Frances: How afraid?
Lauren: I hope I have a will.
Louise: You don’t.
Jimmy: What is going on? I can’t see a damn thing with all this luggage towering around me.
Frances: There was a car crash.
Louise: It’s a five-car pile-up. We’re at a standstill, and we will be until they clean this up
Jimmy: I think the important thing is to think about the dri-
Louise: We’re never going to make it to Oregon! This is all your fault, Frances!
Frances: I didn’t make them crash!
Louise: We wouldn't be on this bridge if you hadn’t missed the turn because you were sleepy!
Frances: I am not sleepy!
Louise: “I feel like my eyes are being pulled by two tons”?
Frances: That’s not how I worded that to begin with, but it was a joke. I’m much more alert now.
Louise: Because you’ve gotten four drinks from Starbucks. Sugar highs wear off.
Frances: They’ll get this cleared in no time! Just you watch! Vacation is not ruined!
Two hours later…
Marcia: At this rate, Howard’s gonna beat us there.
Frances: It’s only been a few hours.
Lauren: Oh my god, da, did you find my sleep mask yet? I need to take a nap so I don’t have to look at this bring anymore.
Jimmy: I’m trying, honey!
Greg (singing): I know nothing stays the same, but if you're willing to play the game, it’s coming around again
Louise: And find the CDs, I’m tired of being subjected to The Greatest Hits of Carly Simon.
Marcia: I’ve very much enjoyed being serenaded by Carl Simon up in the front seat, I don’t know what you’re referring to.
Jimmy: I’ll look for those, too.
Greg: No use, I’ve got them right here!
Jimmy: Found your mask, honey!
Lauren: Thank you, dad! Let the relaxation begin.
Frances: Not in this car!
Marcia: And you’ve still played this CD three times?
Frances: He likes it, crucify him.
Louise: Trust me, I would if I could.
Greg: This aggression will not stand, man.
Louise: Do not sully the good name of Jeff Bridges by dragging him into this.
Lauren: Who doesn’t like Carly Simon?
Louise: You’re just saying that because it’s good sleeping music.
Lauren: While that is true, You’re So Vain is the greatest song of all-time.
Greg: It’s no Believe by Cher, but it’s close.
Marcia: I feel so much dumber for having heard any of this.
Jimmy: I don’t know if there’s much that can be done about this, but I have to use the restroom.
Frances: Anyone have an empty bottle?
Jimmy: Ew!
Frances: Well, what do you want to do? Piss off the side of the bridge? Or maybe out the sunroof? Would that be fun for you?
Jimmy: Someone’s crabby.
Frances: I’m in hell! This is hell! I want to die!
Greg: If Louise gets her way, something tells me that wish will be granted.
Louise: I don’t want to kill her. I just want her to get the hell out of the driver’s seat, because she’s failing miserably up there.
Lauren: Can you guys pipe down? I’m trying to sleep.
Louise: Here ya go, honey.
Lauren: Tissues?
Louise: Stuff your ears, ‘cause we are not about to shut up.
One hour later…
Frances: Louise, get back in the car!
Louise: Get out!
Jimmy: Please don’t shank her, this is a public space. I don’t want to end up on the news.
Louise: This is for your benefit!
Frances: You standing on a road is to my benefit? How?
Greg: Think about this for a second.
Marcia: I hope Jane is having a nice trip in Cabo.
Frances: What made you think of that?
Marcia: I’m trying to think of literally anything other the situation I am currently in.
Louise: Frances, let me drive!
Frances: Get in the car and we can discuss it. You aren’t safe out there.
Louise: I’m fine! Get out!
Greg: Don’t make me sit next to her, Frances.
Frances: I am getting sleepy.
Louise: A-ha! She admits it!
Frances: Maybe just for an hour or so.
Marcia gets a phone call.
Marcia: It’s Bev! Gotta take it!
Frances: Do you? We’re sort of in the middle of some-
Marcia: Hi Bev!
Beverly: How’s the trip going? You gotta be in Oregon by now, right?
Frances: Shut up, Bev.
Beverly: Are you guys not making good time or something?
Marcia: You could say that. You could really say that.
Greg: We are stuck on the Golden Gate Bridge because of a car crash!
Beverly: How did you get to San Francisco? You’re going to Oregon, no?
Louise: Frances did it!
Frances: It was a simple mistake!
Marcia: I’m tired of talking about this, Bev. How’s your day going?
Beverly: Normal Saturday for me. Earl and I went to the farmer’s market, then we went our for brunch, then -
Earl: Are you on with one of the girls?
Beverly: Marcia.
Earl: Hi, Marcia!
Marcia: Hi, Earl! Hope your day’s better than mine!
Earl: Aren’t you on vacation?
Marcia: Long story.
Beverly: I will be back out to finish apple picking in a moment, let me finish up.
Earl: I’m being eschewed away. Talk later, Marcia!
Greg: They have such normal days together.
Frances: Are you saying this isn’t normal?
Beverly: We’re going to watch some movies together later. Normal, fun Saturday.
Marcia: I feel like that’s how people in Kansas live.
Louise: Their lives aren’t that interesting in Kansas. Movies are against their religion.
Jimmy: That’s Utah.
Louise: Same state.
Greg: Aren’t the Amish from Pennsylvania?
Beverly: So, what big plans do you have for this vacation?
Frances: Marcia, take her off speakerphone, please. Louise, get your ass in the car.
Louise: You are not fit to drive!
Beverly: The wreck is clearing up, the cars are moving. Get in!
Marcia: Why must I take Bev off speakerphone? I like keeping her up-to-date.
Beverly: Just listen to her before she yells.
Frances: I have to focus on the road. This trip is back on! Smooth sailing ahead!
Louise: We’ll see about that.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
