Bake Your Heart Out Season 4 Episode 6 - Oh Diane

Bake Your Heart Out Season 4, Episode 6
Oh Diane

On the set of Bake Your Heart Out…

Sam: Bakers, we’ve enjoyed international delights for France Week, and we say bakes fit for the finest Parisian bakeries.

Diane: Only one can stand above the rest and be Top Baker, though. And that is… Madison!

Sam: Madison, you are our second two-time Top Baker this season! Congratulations!

Madison: Ah! That is amazing!

Sam: Not quite as amazing as your financiers.

Diane: Lenora, you had a great week as well. You are safe.

Sam: As are Helen, Olivia, and Victor.

Diane: Trevor, you stumbled a bit this week, but you are safe as well.

Sam: That leaves Marcus and Patrice. Marcus, your croquembouche crumbled and tumbled and was clearly underbaked, and your creme brûlée was watery.

Diane: Patrice, tour croquembouche also left much to be desired, with a plain design and even plainer flavors. The judges felt that it was no better than a dessert you could purchase at the grocery store, and they know that you are capable of much more.

Sam: Unfortunately, this week, we have to say goodbye to one of you, and that person is…Marcus.

Diane: Marcus, thank you for coming out here and baking your heart out with us. We’re going to miss you very much.

Later that day, at the Riviera Inn…

Melanie: Diane, you look sad.

Diane: I am sad! Frances and Garry sent home one of the best bakers we have.

Charlotte: I’m right here!

Diane: Oh, yeah. Charlotte did it too, I guess.

Charlotte: Just because I’m not classically trained in the culinary arts does not mean I’m any less a judge than them.

Garry: Yes, blame Charlotte for sending Marcus home. She pushed for it. We has no choice.

Frances: Garry… be a man for once.

Garry: I was kidding!

Melanie: Who is this Marcus?

Sam: We’re not supposed to be giving spoilers out. Right, guys.

Leslie: That’s preferable, yeah.

Melanie: You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want, but I already know he doesn’t win. I don’t see the harm.

Leslie: I better not see a leak on the fan forum!

Melanie: As if I have time to comment on internet fan forums with everything in my life.

Leslie: Go ahead and spoil it for her, then.

Charlotte: Marcus was the first two-time Top Baker this season and he was a big frontrunner for the competition. He actually won last week. Unfortunately, he had an off week at the same time that everyone else did pretty well and we had no choice but to send him home.

Diane: I’m sick about it. They really let a good one go, and I feel guilty.

Melanie: Why do you feel guilty, it’s not your fault. It’s Garry’s.

Garry: We are a team!

Frances: But you pushed for it most.

Garry: That’s a lie!

Charlotte: Sounds about right to me.

Frances: Yup, army did it.

Leslie: Okay, that’s enough talk about the show. How was your day, Melanie?

Melanie: Uh, let’s see… I fixed the toilet in room 207 -

Frances: Very necessary work, receptionists acting as plumbers are the backbone of our society.

Melanie: I had to replace the lock on 304, restocked the vending machine -

Garry: Thank god. Sometimes you just want a bag of potato skins.

Leslie: Mel, did you ever check my room to see what was going on with that creaking sound in the air conditioner?

Melanie: Yeah, loose screw.

Sam: Leslie’s used to those.

Leslie: You are a bully.

Garry: Imagine being me!

Leslie: I’d rather not.

The next morning, at the Sunrise Cafe…

Frances: What’s on the agenda today? Anything fun?

Sam: It’s not really that big of a state, we spend like six months a year here. I think we’ve seen it all.

Charlotte: You didn’t have to drag it like that.

Frances: So no plans then?

Sam: I thought we could go see a movie or something.

Garry: Nothing scary, my heart can’t take it.

Sam: Okay, scary it is!

Diane: I want to see the new Top Gun!

Sam: You would.

Diane: I heard good things!

Leslie: Didn’t that come out, like, two months ago?

Diane: Three!

Frances: I already saw it. Memorial Day weekend, like a true patriot.

Charlotte: Frances, are you a Scientologist?

Frances: No, but they tried to recruit me. Thank god my dear friend Leah Remini made sure I didn’t get sucked in!

Charlotte: You were friends with Leah Remini?

Frances: I still am! We go out for breakfast whenever we’re in the same city.

Leslie: How on earth has this never come up before?

Frances: I don’t know all of your friends!

Leslie: That’s different! She’s a celebrity.

Frances: Leah’s a very private person.

Garry: I never got that vibe from her.

Frances: You don’t know her the way I know her.

Sam: You guys have talked so much about this that I don’t know if we have time for a movie now.

Frances: Lets go see Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris, that looks like a cute movie.

Sam: We can’t remind Diane of France Week.

Diane: I’m not sad about the elimination anymore. I did a good deed and spread goodwill, my conscience is clean.

Sam: Did you give Marcus money? You know we can’t pay the contestants money.

Diane: No, I got an email from a mother in Texas who needed money quickly to avoid getting evicted from her apartment. She asked for two thousand dollars to cover the two months of rent the she missed, but I gave her ten thousand for future security.

Frances: You, uh… gave ten grand to a random woman who sent you an email?

Diane: Yes. I’m a good person.

Charlotte: Oh, Diane, honey. You got scammed.

Diane: I did not! I helped someone in need.

Sam: Did you see a picture of this woman or her apartment or any proof that she exists?

Diane: Yes!

Sam: Can I see it?

Diane: Let me find it.

Frances: At the very least, this should be comical.

Diane: Here!

Sam: That’s Winona Ryder.

Diane: What?

Sam: Her email profile picture is a picture of Winona Ryder.

Diane: Winona Ryder is a goth teenager!

Sam: In Beetlejuice! In reality, she’s the fifty year-old woman in that picture.

Garry: That’s an old one, she’s about forty there.

Frances: I actually think that’s a picture of her from when she was on my show.

Garry: She was on your show?

Frances: A lot of people were on my show, Garry.

Sam: Beside the point. Diane, it’s a scam!

Diane: What if she’s just a fan? It’s possible!

Sam: Normal people seek help from their local community or church. They set up a GoFundMe. They don’t send emails to strangers asking for money.

Garry: This is a phishing scam.

Sam: No, that’s when someone poses as a reputable source. This was just a generic scam appealing to someone’s better senses and stealing money from them. They rely on someone being gullible enough to fall for a relatively obvious lie. Like our Diane here.

Charlotte: I watched a John Oliver about this.

Frances: We get it, you're British!

Leslie: Diane, call your credit card company up. Tell them your card has been compromised and that any recent transactions on it are fraudulent.

Diane: What if it’s not a scam and I drew over a mother in need.

Frances: Well, then I guess that mother in need shouldn’t have acted so sketchy.

Diane: And aren’t I defrauding the company by telling them it was compromised when I myself transferred the money to her?

Leslie: It’s fine, this is the best way for you to get your money back.

Frances: The only way. It’s not like a scammer will just give it back.

Diane: We could try it!

Leslie: Do not contact that woman again!

Paul: Guys! It’s so crazy running into you!

Sam: Ugh.

Leslie: We’re in the middle of something, Paul.

Paul: I don’t mean to interrupt, b-

Frances: Waitress, table for this man, please!

Diane: Paul, I need your opinion on something.

Paul: I will gladly be the wall for you to bounce any ideas off of.

Diane: I got an email from a woman who claimed she needed money -

Paul: Had you ever met her before?

Diane: No.

Paul: Scam. I hope you didn’t send her anything.

Sam: You’re going to be shocked to learn this, but she did.

Paul: Oh, Diane.

Diane: So, I guess I should call the card company and report this.

Frances: Paul was the one that convinced you to do that?

Paul: I’m very persuasive.

Leslie: The important thing is that she’s doing it. The scammers should never win!

Sam: And yet you continue to employ Garry.

Garry: How am I a scammer?

Sam: You scammed her into believing that you’re worthy of putting on television.

Garry: And I did it twice! Because I’m a VIP.

Paul: I sensed someone was scamming me one time and I retaliated by canceling their show. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Diane: I’m calling now. I’m going to head outside because it’s loud in here.

Sam: Good luck, and make sure to threaten them if they don’t block the transfer.

Diane: I’m not going to do that.

Sam: Everyone in this group is so afraid of taking chances.

Diane walks outside.

Charlotte: Is anyone else worried about Diane? She’s not usually quite this gullible.

Sam: This is all your fault for making her feel so sad about the elimination. She would’ve been okay with Patrice going.

Frances: Not this again.

Charlotte: Patrice was better this week, she had to go.

Sam: So you admit it was you!

Charlotte: We’re not doing this again.

Leslie: I’m worried about her, too. She’s very vulnerable right now. Very emotional.

Paul: Have you tried therapy?

Sam: How dare you?

Garry: Guys, she’s always been sensitive. I don’t think anything’s wrong with her, she just wanted to help someone. Sadly, the person she wanted to help turned out to be a scam artist who plays on the kind-hearted. All we have to do is teach her how to use the internet safely. You know, like you do with a child.

Frances: I agree with Garry.

Sam: Never say that again!

Frances: It’s true. She’s gullible, she’s so giving and so kind. We just need to teach her how to identify scams. And maybe take away her email account.

Paul: What about her phone?

Frances: I’ll throw that in the ocean. That’ll buy us a few days.

Leslie: You really think gullibility is Diane’s only problem? Nothing emotional going on there?

Frances: That’s a loaded question. The woman’s a disaster. But no, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her now that wasn’t wrong with her before. Let’s give her a crash course in computer safety.

Leslie: Are we really the people to do that? I saw Frances throw her laptop because it wasn’t loading fast enough.

Frances: Safety with identifying scams, then. We’re good at that. Maybe not so much at keeping computers intact.

Diane: Good news, everyone! They canceled the charge! We’re out of the woods!

Leslie: We were talking -

Sam: They decided this, not me.

Leslie: We want to teach you how to identify scams, because we don’t want you to fall for one again.

Diane: There’s nothing wrong with being generous!

Frances: We agree! But you don’t want to be generous with people who are trying to scam you.

Diane: I think I can identify a scam.

Charlotte: You mean like how you identified this one?

Diane: That was one time!

Sam: One time more than any of us fell for a scam.

Gary: I almost fell for one once.

Frances: There’s a shock.

Diane: If you really think I need to do this, then fine. But I don-

Leslie: We’ll do it tonight, then.

Sam: Now can we please get to the movies?

Garry: I need to tell Carly we’re going.

Frances: Isn’t she in bed with a headache?

Sam: No, he’s right here.

That night, at the Riviera Inn…

Melanie: So, how did everyone enjoy their day off?

Frances: Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris is the single-greatest film of all-time.

Charlotte: All right James Lipton, pipe down.

Diane: I have to go to school, apparently.

Melanie: School?

Charlotte: Diane fell for a scam, so the rest of us are going to show her how to identify them so it doesn’t happen again.

Diane: I’ve already learned from this mistake, I really don’t think this is necessary.

Charlotte: You tried to answer a spam call today. During the movie.

Frances: I almost missed how Mrs. Harris got to Paris because of you.

Melanie: I could teach Diane. I don’t mean to be rude, but I am the most tech-savvy of anyone.

Diane: That would be great! Much better than learning from Garry.

Garry: Felt unnecessary to single me out there, but okay.

Melanie: I get off work at eight, I’ll come up to your room then and give you a walkthrough. Make sure you have your cell phone and computer ready.

Sam: You don’t have to tell her twice.

Diane: I will be ready!

The next day, in the lobby…

Garry: You know, the strangest thing happened last night.

Sam: Clap if you care.

Diane: Be nice!

Leslie: It’s very early in the morning, Garry, this better be good.

Garry: After we got home from the movie, Carly told me she got a call earlier in the day from a tourist agency offering a free cruise. So we’re going on a cruise next month!

Diane: You’re what?

Garry: Isn’t it exciting?

Diane: Does no one else see what’s going on here?

Charlotte: I think we’re all just too stunned to say.

Diane: And you wanted this man to give ME a tutorial on avoiding scams? Even I know nobody ever calls to give away something for free!

Garry: It’s legit!

Frances: Is the cruise taking place in the Sea of Nebraska?

Sam: You are the largest of all idiots. You’re the Grand-Slam Champion of Stupid. You’re the Michael Phelps of Dumbassery.

Diane: I think we need to set Garry and Carly up with a scam avoidance course from Melanie.

Charlotte: After Garry calls his credit card company, that is.

What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!

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