Filming for Frances in the Kitchen has wrapped for the day.
Jane: Is it time to go home yet?
Marcia: What do you care, you don’t work.
Jane: I do so!
Marcia: You fetch lattes for Frances. Sometimes even a bagel.
Jane: I do more than that!
Beverly: Marcia, stop discounting what Jane does around here. Please.
Marcia: Are you able to tell me what Jane does around here?
Beverly: I said please.
Marcia: You can’t answer.
Frances: She keeps me from being the dumbest person on the set. I greatly appreciate that.
Jane: Happy to be of assistance.
Marcia: Assistance, that’s a big phrase for her!
Frances: Marcia, stop bullying Jane.
Marcia: Oh, come on. I’m not bullying, it’s all in jest. You know that, right Jane?
Jane: What does jest mean?
Frances: You make it so hard to defend you sometimes.
Jane: Thank you.
Marcia: She d- never mind.
Frances: I think I’m gonna head out, you guys. You all have a nice day, and try not to make a mess in my absence.
Marcia: I make no promises.
Frances walks outside to her car.
DeAnna: Hey!
Frances: Ugh… what?
DeAnna: I am getting texts. Dirty texts. I know they’re from you.
Frances: DeAnna, I hate to have to tell you this, but I didn’t send you any dirty texts. I don’t like you that way. I don’t like you at all. I know this is heartbreaking to hear.
DeAnna: I know you aren’t sending them from a genuine place. You’re just trying to drive me wild.
Frances: If I wanted to drive you wild, I’d mail you a Playgirl.
DeAnna: I don’t mean drive me wild in that way. I mean you want to make me lose my mind.
Frances: I think we’re saying the same thing?
DeAnna: I’m saying that you are sending me these messages so that you can annoy me so much, it drives me to insanity.
Frances: I don’t think of you nearly enough to spend my time on something so foolish. Clearly, a scammer got ahold of your number.
DeAnna: Yes, you.
Frances: I don’t have time for this. I hope you are able to move past these trust issues you so clearly have.
Frances gets in her car and turns it on.
DeAnna: You’re just leaving like that? Pretty fishy, but you do you!
DeAnna opens her car door and Frances hits it as she pulls out of her parking space.
DeAnna: You hit my car! You took my door off! Get out of that car!
Frances: DeAnna… I am sorry!
DeAnna: You did this on purpose, you were angry I called you out for harassing me.
Frances: I wasn’t harassing you!
DeAnna: That’s what you choose to focus on now? My car doesn’t have a door anymore! You almost hit ME!
Frances: You were the one that brought it up.
Beverly: What is the commotion out here?
DeAnna: She tried to run over me!
Frances: This wouldn’t have ever happened if you didn’t insist on parking so close to my car to get a rise out of me.
DeAnna: I am the victim here!
Jane: We don’t have to fight about this, we can work through it in a fri-
DeAnna: Shut up!
Jane: That was rude.
Marcia: Jane, let’s stay out of it.
Jane: I will now, she’s mean.
Frances: DeAnna, put the phone away. You do not have to call the cops. I’ll pay for your car to be repaired.
DeAnna: The cops? I’m calling Charlie.
Frances: I change my mind, call the cops. Take me away! Throw me in Gitmo!
Beverly: I don’t think the LAPD has jurisdiction over Gitmo.
Frances: Not the point!
DeAnna: What’s that, Charlie? You’ll be right down? I’ll see you in a jiffy!
Frances: He already answered?
DeAnna: And he’s furious! His first week back full-time and he has to deal with this. I would not want to be you right about now.
Frances: You’re the one who made a big deal about this, if anything, I wouldn’t want to be you!
Beverly: Frances, can we talk?
Frances: Now?
Beverly: Now.
Frances: I suppose.
Beverly: Jane, you entertain DeAnna.
DeAnna: No, that really is fine.
Jane: You know what I’ve been reading about a lot lately?
DeAnna: Green Eggs and Ham?
Beverly, Frances and Marcia step aside to talk.
Beverly: What did you do?
Frances: DeAnna’s explained it pretty well.
Beverly: You tried to kill her?
Frances: I hit her door. It was, I swear, an accident.
Beverly: That’s not what she’s going to tell Charlie.
Marcia: We still have time to actually kill her before he gets here.
Frances: Last resort.
Marcia: All I’m hearing is that the option is still there.
Beverly: No, it is not! Frances, I don’t know how Charlie is going to handle this, but you have to make a real effort to apologize here. Invite DeAnna and Charlie for dinner at your house.
Frances: I’d rather die.
Marcia: You could poison her food and make it look like a heart attack. She’s pretty old.
Frances: I’m not killing her!
Marcia: I know that! God, someone has to lighten the mood up. Did you hear what Bev just suggested?
Beverly: Bev is trying to keep the peace here at the studio.
Frances: DeAnna would never agree to come over for dinner.
Beverly: That’s why you have to bring it up when Charlie is around. He’ll think it’s a great idea and then you just have to worry about schmoozing him at dinner so he won’t punish you.
Frances: But why does DeAnna have to be involved?
Beverly: You have to make nice with her somehow.
Frances: Like the Dixie Chicks, I am not ready to make nice. I hate the woman!
Beverly: You don’t have to like her. You just have to make an attempt to keep the peace with her.
Frances: Fine, I will consider it. No promises.
Beverly: I can’t believe I was able to convince you. Man, I’m good. I should’ve been a therapist.
Frances: No, you should not have been.
Charlie: What in the hell happened here? I was in a meeting and I had to leave it for this nonsense. Someone better explain.
Frances: It was a mere accident, Charlie.
DeAnna: It was an attempt on my life, after weeks of cellular harassment.
Charlie: I’m not even making an attempt at figuring that one out. Let’s talk about the crash.
DeAnna: She ran into my driver’s side door while I was entering my vehicle and took the door clean off in the process. I can’t trust her to interact with me in a safe way, so I have to ask you to move her studio across the lot.
Frances: Whoa, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. My studio was here first.
DeAnna: Unlike you, I’ve never committed attempted vehicular homicide.
Charlie: That’s a big ask, DeAnna. Especially when there’s no evidence Frances did anything purposefully.
Frances: Yes! Exactly!
Charlie: However, I can understand why you may feel unsafe working together after the accident. Dana and I will have to talk about it.
Frances: At least give me the chance to plead my innocence to you. Join me for dinner tomorrow night at my house. All of you.
DeAnna: All of us?
Frances: All of you. I can explain myself and we can all relax and put this behind us, hopefully.
Charlie: That sounds like fun! What do you say, DeAnna?
DeAnna: I suppose it would be fun to know you worked all day in the kitchen to make a meal for me. I’ll come over.
Charlie: It’s a date!
Frances: And, please, bring your husbands as well. I want you all to feel at home.
Charlie: I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Anything you want me to bring?
Frances: You don’t have to bring anything other than yourself.
DeAnna: I’ll bring something for dessert.
Frances: Don’t you trust me with dessert?
DeAnna: Like I said, I’ll bring something for dessert.
Charlie: Oh, this is going to be fun!
Later that night…
Frances: Greg, I need you to hold me.
Greg: Here? In front of your family?
Frances: God, they’re like cockroaches.
Louise: We love you, too!
Frances: It’s been a rough day.
Jimmy: What happened? Tell us everything.
Frances: Well, Phil Donahue, to make it quick, DeAnna and I got into a spat, I accidentally hit her car, she called Charlie to intervene, and now DeAnna, Charlie and Dana are all coming over for dinner tomorrow.
Louise: I’m lost.
Greg: When aren’t you?
Louise: You hit her car and then invited her for dinner?
Frances: It was Beverly’s idea.
Louise: Of course it was.
Frances: She wants me to make an attempt to ease the tensions between us so that she hopefully gives up on the idea DeAnna had to move our studio across the lot.
Lauren: Wouldn’t it be good to move away from DeAnna’s studio? You wouldn’t have to see her anymore.
Frances: We have the biggest studio on the lot, with the most offices and extra storage. It would be a big loss for us. I don’t think Marcia would be able to handle losing her office.
Greg: Marcia freaked out if someone sat in “her” seat on the bus when we were kids. I know she couldn’t handle losing her office.
Frances: Not to mention, it’d be extremely time-consuming to have to move an entire set to some other studio across the lot. I wouldn’t mind if DeAnna had to change studios, though. Maybe I can make that the goal of the dinner.
Greg: No, we’re going to play nice.
Frances: No fun.
Jimmy: Don’t you worry, we will all be on our best behavior. This will be the best damn dinner party anyone’s ever thrown.
Lauren: Let’s dial the expectations back a little, dad. DeAnna’s going to be there.
Jimmy: It will be a serviceable dinner party. That good?
Lauren: More realistic.
The next night…
Louise: Someone’s at the door! I’ll get it!
Frances: Thankfully you can be of assistance there, you’ve done nothing in the kitchen.
Louise: You’re the cook around here, I don’t want to mess with your mojo.
Frances: Just get the door.
Louise opens the door.
Dana: Hello! Am I at the right place? I’m looking for Frances Conner, and you most certainly are not her. I thought I put the address in right, but you know how those GPSes go.
Louise: You’re at the right place, don’t worry! She’s in the kitchen. I’m her sister-in-law, Louise.
Dana: Frances is in the kitchen? How apt.
Louise: You must be Dana Maximoff? I thought your husband was coming, too?
Lauren: Mom, don’t be so nosy.
Dana: Don’t worry about it. Our nanny fell ill, so he had to stay home. He was devastated to not have dinner with a random employee of mine, but alas…
Frances: Dana, come in! I put a crudité platter together, go ahead and grab a few bites before dinner.
Dana: Don’t mind if I do! I know it’ll be a while before Charlie gets here, he’s always late.
Frances: He is, isn’t he?
One hour later…
Frances: I’m so glad you’ve all joined us today. I’ve made a family recipe for you all, a hotdish with natural herbs and spices and more cheese than in the entire state of Wisconsin. That’s a tater tot “casserole,” for those of you who don’t speak midwest.
Louise: Leave Wisconsin out of this.
Charlie: I love a good tater tot!
Dana: We can tell.
Frances: DeAnna, I am especially grateful to have you with us today.
DeAnna: You’re not nearly good enough of an actress to make me believe that.
Frances: You’re free to believe whatever you want, but it’s an honor to have you here.
DeAnna: Did you poison my food or something? Saul, put that down.
Saul: Saul Clifton, everyone. DeAnna’s husband.
Frances: Ah, Better Call Saul! I love Breaking Bad.
Louise: You never told me you wa-
Saul: I get that a lot lately. I don’t know what it’s supposed to mean.
Frances: Saul, you are safe to eat anything I give you. I would never even think of poisoning DeAnna or anyone here!
Charlie: I can’t believe anyone would suggest anything so stupid! DeAnna, come on!
DeAnna: She tried to run me over with her car! Does no one remember the reason we’re all here?
Dana: I have to be honest, I’m more worried about how delicious this hotdish is. It shouldn’t last this good when it looks so ridiculous.
Jimmy: That’s the beauty of it. Midwest moms are geniuses who never get the proper credit.
Frances: Murder! Attempted by her, on me! I’m not just going to play nice because she drizzled some cheese whiz on a tater tot!
Frances: Cheese whiz? CHEESE WHIZ? Where do you think I’m from, Philadelphia?
Greg: Oh no…
Dana: Does she have a problem with Philadelphia, too?
Greg: Just their “cheese.”
Frances: That is fine cuisine on your plate. Only the finest cheeses for the finest guests.
DeAnna: You don’t like me! I don’t like you!
Saul: Honey!
DeAnna: It’s true! I have to be honest. This is clearly just an attempt to make me forget about what you did yesterday. I have a better memory than that.
Frances: DeAnna, I’m offering an olive branch.
DeAnna: After hitting my car.
Lauren: Who wants something to drink?
Dana: I could use a Sprite.
Lauren: We have Sierra Mist.
Dana: You have what?
Lauren: It’s Sprite, but the Pepsi version.
Dana: Ah, so this is how the other half lives.
Frances: DeAnna, we don’t need to focus on our past. We should enjoy the moment.
DeAnna: What? You’re just saying nonsensical platitudes. I feel like I’m dining with a politician.
Frances: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Charlie: I think Frances is right, we shouldn’t focus on the car incident yesterday. We should enjoy the moment.
DeAnna: Frances said she’d use the dinner to explain her actions yesterday
Louise (singing, off-tune): If you like piña coladas
Frances: What are you doing?
Louise: Saving you.
Charlie: I suppose you’re right, DeAnna.
Louise: Dammit. Well, I tried.
Lauren: Tried what? To deafen us?
Jimmy: Lauren, don’t mock your mother.
Lauren: Did you hear her singing.
Jimmy: It was a unique performance.
Lauren: Uniquely aw-
Frances: Guys…
Lauren: Sorry.
Charlie: After we’re done eating, perhaps we could we discuss the accident. Sound good, girls?
DeAnna: I suppose I can finish the heartburn on a plate before we discuss the attempt on my life.
Frances: No, let’s get to it now, we don’t need it hanging over our heads the rest of the night. Then we can get on to party games and such and have a good night.
DeAnna: Alrighty then. Explain yourself.
Frances: So, after your accused me of sending the dirty texts -
Saul: You’ve been getting dirty texts? And you didn’t tell me?
DeAnna: You barely know what a phone is, I didn’t want to bother you with it.
Greg: Have you been se-
Frances: No! Anyway, you accused me of that, I was tired of having to listen to you accuse me of something of which I am innocent, so I hopped in my car, intending to drive away. I didn’t realize you were parked so close, nor did I realize you were entering your vehicle, so I accidentally hit your door. I never saw you, and in spite of our differences, I would never try to hit you.
DeAnna: Bull!
Frances: Bull?
DeAnna: You did it on purpose. You were in a rage, and you got called out, and you took it out on my car.
Frances: I’m not foolish enough to do that. And I’m far too frugal.
Greg: She really is. Cheapest woman I’ve ever met.
Frances: Love you too, sweetheart.
DeAnna: You’ve always resented me and I’m supposed to believe it was an accident? And then you invite me to your house to serve me slop and hope that it’ll make me forget? You are so manipulative, it isn’t even funny!
Lauren: This dinner has turned awkward so fast.
Frances: Slop? SLOP? You come into my house as an invited guest, won’t listen to or consider a single thing I say, and then insult my food? I have the mind to take the other door off your damn car!
Greg: Honey, c-
Frances: Shut up, Greg!
Jimmy: That’s what they usually say to Jane!
DeAnna: Well, she is an idiot, so it makes sense.
Frances: Only I get to say that! You better respect her!
DeAnna: You are as unhinged as ever.
Charlie: Frances, if I let you keep your studio where it is, will you allow us to leave?
Dana: For the first time in my life, I feel fear.
Frances: Yes, yes, you can go!
Charlie: Then I will see you at work on Monday! Fare thee well! Come on Morris, let’s go.
Jimmy: It was so nice meeting you!
Greg: Come back anytime!
Dana: Stay safe, you guys.
DeAnna: I’m going, too. This got me nowhere. You got what you wanted, congrats.
Frances: Don’t let the door hit you on the way out! Not you, Dana, you have a lovely night!
Frances closes her front door.
Jimmy: You know, I’d say that was a success.
Lauren: You get to keep your studio.
Frances: I really showed how nutty DeAnna is, didn’t I?
Jimmy: Yes, how nutty she is. You sure showed that.
Frances: I think we should have a dinner party every week. But who to invite?
Louise: Not us. Please.
Frances: I don’t recall inviting you this time?
Louise: You’re so forgetful!
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
