The group is at the Sunrise Cafe.
Frances: Diane, are you just going to stare at your food, or are you going to eat it?
Diane: I’m sad.
Frances: I hesitate to ask this, but what are you sad about?
Diane: Oliv-
Frances: No. I don’t care that it’s a sad album, you don’t get to pout about it. You put it in the CD player yourself.
Diane: It’s not that.
Sam: She’s sad that Olivia Newton-John died.
Diane: She was a trailblazer! She blazed the trails for me. I saw her in Grease and decided I wanted to be in show business. I sang Hopelessly Devoted To You in my mirror every night.
Charlotte: You sang that song to yourself?
Garry: Weren’t you like thirty when that movie came out?
Diane: I was going through a lot, okay? My first role in entertainment was in Grease?
Frances: You played Sandy?
Diane: Are you kidding me? I was thirty, I played Rizzo.
Sam: Is it any surprise that Diane is so sad about this? We all know her affection for women named Olivia. Aside from the obvious, I can recall her threatening to stab Jessica Chastain for beating Olivia Colman at the Oscars this year.
Diane: That was so rigged, stop the steal!
Leslie: So, who’s excited for the meet-and-greet event in Boston today?
Diane: Are we just moving on from the previous subject?
Leslie: That is the hope, yes.
Garry: I’m very excited, all the groupies are going to show up today.
Frances: I’m telling Carly!
Charlotte: No need to tell Carly, all of our groupies are eighty years old and have false teeth. She has nothing to worry about.
Sam: Oh, Speaker Peretti is coming?
Diane: Speaker Peretti is an -
Sam: American hero, I’m aware. ’Twas a joke.
Leslie: No one has seriously answered my question. Are you excited to meet our fans in person?
Frances: I’m not a big fan of Boston, but it will be nice to see the fans up close and in person.
Garry: Frances is talking about our fans like they’re chimpanzees at the zoo.
Frances: Some of them are. Remember Lorenzo? What a guy.
Diane: He was just excited!
Frances: That’s the same thing they say about the chimps!
Leslie: Are you going to eat your food or not, Diane? The rest of us are about ready to go.
Charlotte: You don’t know if I’m having dessert!
Leslie: It’s nine in the morning.
Charlotte: Perfect time for pie.
Leslie: We have to get on the road, okay?
Frances: Why are you so concerned about this meet-and-greet.
Leslie: It’s sold out. People are counting on us. It starts at eleven, I’d prefer we’re not late.
Frances: Well, some of us are trying to delay the car ride with Diane.
Charlotte (singing): Got my driver’s license last week -
Diane: I’ll put something else in, you don’t need to make me feel bad about it.
Frances: We’re kidding, we’re kidding.
Diane: In that case, I’ll quick finish my eggs so we can start the singalong. Charlotte clearly knows the lyrics.
Sam: Look what you’ve done.
Two hours later…
Sam: That took too long.
Leslie: What took too long? The drive here or Diane finding a parking space?
Sam: Both.
Diane: The drive didn’t take nearly as long as you’re acting. We hit a bit of traffic, but we made it on time.
Leslie: We have a whole five minutes to spare!
Garry: Don’t get me wrong, I think this is a fun idea. But I’m surprised they were able to put together a whole convention based around our show. Our fans don’t strike me as convention people.
Leslie: It’s a big him. We’re not just a show for grannies like the shows on TBC.
Frances: TBC makes shows for a wide variety of people.
Charlotte: Is that what they told you?
Frances: I had fans young and old when I was doing Frances in the Kitchen.
Charlotte: Young as in… forty-five year-olds?
Frances: This is a witch hunt.
Diane: Did you see all the young people waiting outside?
Sam: My first thought was that their parents forced them to come here.
Garry: That would explain a lot.
Diane: Let’s face it, we’re basically superstars.
Sam: Come on now, we’re not exactly Ariana Grande.
Diane: The crowd out there reminded me of the crowd at that Olivia Rodrigo concert I went to. We are superstars!
Frances: You’re laying it on a little thick now. The crowd I saw had a median age of forty-seven and most of them looked like they drove mini vans and knit for fun.
Garry: A perfectly acceptable vehicle choice!
Charlotte: And what’s wrong with knitting?
Frances: God, it’s like living in an episode of The Golden Girls.
Sam: They acted younger.
Twenty minutes later…
Charlotte: Have you seen this poster?
Frances: I look good!
Sam: Don’t be so conceited, Franny.
Charlotte: My name is not on it.
Leslie: Huh, I didn’t notice that.
Charlotte: You don’t say?
Leslie: I don’t know how I overlooked that when I approved the poster.
Sam: What do you mean your name’s not on it?
Leslie: “Come meet Sam, Diane, Frances and Garry, the stars of Bake Your Heart Out.” You didn’t notice because you were too excited about your name being listed first to care about the rest of it.
Sam: That isn’t true! Frances was the one who thought of herself instantly.
Frances: At least I was able to tell that Charlotte’s name wasn’t on it.
Charlotte: Why didn’t you point it out?
Frances: I didn’t want to start a whole thing. I see we’re doing that, anyway.
Leslie: Obviously, I apologize. Complete oversight on my part.
Charlotte: You didn’t design it, nor did you organize this event. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
Leslie: I was allowed to look over all of the promotional materials to make sure they were up to code, and I clearly messed up there. I thank you for the grace you’re displaying.
Charlotte: If I gave everyone crap for disparaging me in some way, I’d be melting down just about every day. This is minor, I pay no mind to it.
Sam: Good, we’re moving on. Best to do that before TMZ sees this and snaps a picture to “prove” we’re all feuding.
Garry: As if TMZ cares about this.
Sam: We’re superstars, Garry. Superstars.
That night, in the lobby of the Riviera Inn…
Melanie: Charlotte, what are you doing here? I feel like I never see you without the rest of the group, especially not so late at night.
Charlotte: Oh, Melanie! I wasn’t aware you were on the night shift tonight.
Melanie: I wasn’t supposed to be, but I was blessed with a last-minute scheduling shift.
Charlotte: They love to shift my filming times on movie sets, so I know the feeling.
Melanie: So, what brings you down here after eleven?
Charlotte: There’s a lot weighing on my mind. I needed some ice for my bourbon.
Melanie: Bourbon? How bad of a day did you have in Boston?
Charlotte: It was, you know, whatever.
Melanie: That good, huh?
Charlotte: I don’t want to burden you with petty drama.
Melanie: I love petty drama. My favorite show is RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Charlotte: I almost guest judged on that show once.
Melanie: That’s almost very cool!
Charlotte: So you really want me to unload this on you?
Melanie: As Pat Benihana says, hit me with your best shot, fire away.
Charlotte: I noticed at the event that my name was left off the promotional poster for the meet-and-greet. My face was on it, but only because they used a group photo. So that hurt.
Melanie: I can understand being offended.
Charlotte: I’m not done.
Melanie: Oh, then continue.
Charlotte: All of the people that came up to us, for the most part, were far less interested in talking with me than with the others.
Melanie: You are an Oscar winner!
Charlotte: I know! These weird baking nerds don’t seem to care about that! I was just like them one time, just a fan of the show. So I sort of get having stronger feelings about meeting the long-time original cast than for meeting me. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
Melanie: It never feels good to feel like you don’t fit in. Believe it or not, I didn’t feel like I fit in here for a long time. None of the others did anything to make me feel like I belonged here. I was sort of ostracized. Now I’m the assistant assistant manager!
Charlotte: Thankfully, it was never my co-workers who did anything to make me feel like I didn’t belong. Aside from that time I guest hosted and Frances did everything in her power to stop it from happening.
Melanie: Who among us hasn’t tried to screw over a co-worker for petty reasons?
Charlotte: Exactly, that was very relatable. Seriously, though, they do make me feel welcome, but I still feel less integrated into the group than the others.
Melanie: What if you get them to agree to let Paul in so you no longer feel like the weakest link?
Charlotte: Good plan other than it relying on them agreeing to let Paul into the group.
Melanie: It was at least worth floating the idea around.
Charlotte: I suppose it’s natural for me to feel like I have less of a bond with the others than they have with each other. They’ve known each other for a lot longer than they’ve known me.
Melanie: Sam and Diane have been friends since… well, they didn’t have paper back then to document when the friendship began.
Charlotte: Sam’s humor is rubbing off on you.
Melanie: I know, it scares me. My grandma tells me I’m turning into a pretty Don Rickles.
Charlotte: That’s better than what Diane calls Sam.
Melanie: What’s that?
Charlotte: “Old Phyllis Diller.”
Melanie: That’s a good one!
Charlotte: Well, that’s why Diane had the Vegas show and I’m famous for reciting lines other people wrote for me.
Melanie: Are you all vented out? Is that all that happened?
Charlotte: Why, is your shift over?
Melanie: No, I just want to dole out some advice.
Charlotte: Dole… hmm, I could go for some pineapple right about now.
Melanie: Charlotte! Focus!
Charlotte: Oh, sorry.
Melanie: I got an NA piña colada mix in my snack bag if you want it, though.
Charlotte: Melanie! Focus!
Melanie: Right! So, this is some very basic advice and I apologize for not being the Italian psychiatrist lady from The Sopranos, but I think you need to just talk to them about how you feel. Be honest that you’re feeling a bit of imposter syndrome.
Charlotte: Imposter syndrome?
Melanie: Feeling like you don’t belong in the group. Like you’re a fraud.
Charlotte: I didn’t say that, really.
Melanie: It sure seems to be how you feel.
Charlotte: I know, I just didn’t say it aloud. It hurts to hear!
Melanie: I think all you’ll need to do is talk to them and it’ll be very reassuring.
Charlotte: I hope so. Now, I need some booze.
The next day, in Charlotte’s dressing room…
Garry: I have an absolutely pounding headache today.
Sam: So do I, his name’s Garry.
Garry: You use that one like every week.
Sam: And it’s always fitting.
Leslie: Charlotte, honey, why did you ask us to meet you in your dressing room today?
Frances: Yeah, we missed you at breakfast.
Charlotte: I don’t feel like I fit in.
Diane: You’re right, you don’t. Unlike us, people take you seriously.
Charlotte: I mean it, Diane. I don’t feel like I’m a true part of the group like the rest of you.
Sam: You feel like less of a part of the group than Garry? Charlotte, come on!
Garry: I recall a certain Garry leaving the show in protest over the lack of fair pay for the two of you.
Sam: Because your wife’s a raging feminist and you wanted to impress her. It was performative!
Garry: It was genuine!
Diane: Shut up! Let the woman talk.
Charlotte: Think about it, guys, from my perspective. How can I not feel like the odd one out. My name’s left off the poster, none of the fans seemed all that excited to meet me, even last week, you were speaking like I’m not qualified to be a judge on the show. And I don’t feel qualified sometimes! I feel like I’m only still on the show because Paul likes me and you don’t want to make waves with him. Otherwise, I would’ve gone with the rest of the new additions after that ill-fated season.
Leslie: That is not true! You know how little I value his opinion.
Charlotte: You all have years-long bonds that I just can’t compete with. I’ll always be the outcast in here and it hurts.
Diane: Charlotte, I don’t have the same bond with you that I have with Sam, or Diane, or Garry, or Leslie. You’re right. We have our own unique and special bond. Time doesn’t dictate bonds, the strength of a friendship does. You’ve been a great friend to me the past few years, a great friend to all of us. It breaks my heart to know that you don’t feel as if you belong in the group, because you do! Just as much as the rest of us.
Frances: Leave it to Diane to make me cry after I got my makeup done.
Sam: I don’t know why you’d ever want to be part of this group of buffoonery, but you are an equal member. Screw what the fans think -
Leslie: Let’s not say the in public.
Sam: If they don’t find you as interesting just because you joined later, that’s their own loss. You’re so valuable to this show and to all of us. Much more than Garry.
Charlotte: Sam, that was very sweet.
Garry: Was it?
Charlotte: I’m glad I brought this up. Your reactions have reassured me that I do belong, even if I have moments of self-doubt.
Leslie: Hey, let me promise you something. If you want, we will all make our best efforts to do things with you one-on-one and get some of those valuable life experiences together that you seem to desire. I’ve never gone rock climbing with Frances, but maybe the two of us can do it.
Charlotte: That would be nice, I guess.
Sam: Please don’t subject the girl to alone time with Garry.
Charlotte: I love Garry!
Garry: Thank you!
Charlotte: He gives me hope that I won’t always be the weakest link in this group. Just need a bit more determination and I can surpass him, at least.
Sam: You’re already there in my book!
Garry: Well, this turned hurtful fast.
Leslie: Okay, that’s solved! Let’s go judge people…’s baking!
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
