Sam walks out of her dressing room and onto the set.
Frances: Gee, someone looks happy today!
Garry: A bit too happy for elimination day, I’d say.
Charlotte: What’s going on? Did another of your enemies die?
Sam: No, it’s too early in California to get any updates on how Helen Clapper is doing.
Diane: Who on earth is Helen Clapper?
Sam: Come on! I talk about her all the time!
Diane: I have never heard you mention her once before.
Leslie: Is she pranking us?
Sam: Helen Clapper was my first agent, who screwed me over big time. That’s besides the point.
Charlotte: You’re the one who brought that point up in the first place…
Sam: Nicolle is coming to town this weekend!
Diane: Wow, she’s actually happy about something positive. That’s new!
Sam: I’m always feeling happy about positive things! I’m a positive person!
Diane: Are you?
Sam: Yes! Now, which ones are on the chopping black today, Fran? I’m dying to know!
Diane: There you are now, relishing in misery.
Sam: Lies! I’m going to call you Lies-a Minnelli from now on.
Leslie: So, Nicolle. It’s good that she’s coming up this weekend. Been a while since you’ve gotten to see her.
Sam: Two months!
Charlotte: What are you going to do while she’s here?
Garry: We don’t need all the details.
Sam: Ugh, why are you so gross? That mind of yours is always in the gutter.
Diane: I have to ask her about my book, I could use the advice of an expert writer.
Sam: Well you’ve got Garry, what more could you need?
Garry: You keep joking, but one of these days, I’m going to get a book deal!
Frances: Is that before or after they build the pig airport.
Sam: Anyway, Nicolle and I will be visiting the Newport mansions during her stay. She, somehow, hasn’t gotten to see them all during her time here.
Leslie: That’s probably because we’ve seen them already and we always do things as a group when she’s here.
Sam: Yeah, why do we do that, by the way?
Charlotte: I don’t know, but I think we should do it again! I’d love to see the mansions again, I love history.
Sam: How self-centered of you.
Charlotte: Excuse me?
Sam: You’re British. So much of our history is centered on the British. Your interest in history feels pretty self-centered to me.
Charlotte: I though we only trolled Garry like this.
Sam: No one is immune!
Leslie: Okay, enough talking about this for now. Let’s go crush someone’s dream.
Sam: That’s the spirit!
Three days later, in the lobby of the Riviera Inn…
Melanie: What are you guys doing down here on a Saturday? Aren’t you usually out sightseeing?
Frances: How are you always working when we’re down here?
Melanie: I suppose I’m just lucky.
Leslie: To answer your question, we are waiting for Nicolle to get here.
Melanie: Sam! You didn’t tell me she was coming to town!
Sam: It was last-minute.
Diane: We knew a few days ago, it wasn’t that last-minute.
Sam: You’re really throwing me under the bus here, Diane.
Diane: That doesn’t sound like me.
Garry: She wouldn’t have told me either if I wasn’t right there when she told the rest of the group.
Sam: That doesn’t help my case.
Melanie: Oh, don’t worry about it. I know you’ve been busy and have a lot on your mind, telling me your wife is in town isn’t your top priority.
Sam: Thank you for understanding. I know the clowns to the left of me like to make things look more suspicious than they really are. If you have time this weekend, I’d love for you to join us. Although, we’re going to the Newport Mansions, so I’m not sure if you really care about that.
Melanie: Anything to get me out of the house. I’m here all day today, but let me know the time for tomorrow.
Nicolle: What are y’all talking about in here without me?
Garry: Nicolle, you’re here!
Sam: Yes, she is, now butt out!
Garry: Wow, is it a crime to greet a friend?
Sam: No, but she’s not your friend.
Nicolle: Honey… be nice.
Charlotte: We always tell her that, she’ll never listen.
Nicolle: Now that part is true.
Diane: Did you get my emails from last night?
Nicolle: Yes! I read the excerpts on the train ride. Everything looks good, but I want to work with you while I’m here to fine tune some things.
Diane: That would be great?
Leslie: What are you guys talking about?
Diane: Nicolle agreed to help me write my book and I sent her some samples to give her an idea of what she’s working with.
Nicolle: All very good samples, too! She has a knack for this.
Diane: Aww, don’t flatter me.
Melanie: Nicolle, I feel like I know the answer, but I have to ask. Will you be staying with Sam or do you need your own room?
Nicolle: You know, a little privacy does sound nice.
Sam: Your jokes are not funny.
Nicolle: I’ll just be in Sam’s room.
Melanie: Very well, then. You enjoy your stay.
Frances: She’s spending time with us, how could she not enjoy her stay?
Melanie: Like I said, try to enjoy your stay anyway.
Nicolle: Wow, Melanie. You’re getting sassy, Sam must be rubbing off on you.
Melanie: It’s becoming somewhat of a problem.
Later that night, Sam knocks on the door of Frances and Leslie’s room…
Frances: Sam, what on earth are you doing here at 9 at night on a Saturday when your wife is in town?
Sam: Don’t people usually go to their friends’ places to get away from their wives?
Charlotte: Come on in, we’re playing Uno!
Frances: Invite her into your own room, don’t invite her in ours! You’re our guest!
Leslie: Sam, ignore her and come in.
Sam: Don’t mind if I do.
Leslie: So, what’s troubling you?
Melanie: Uno!
Charlotte: Melanie, we’re not doing that anymore.
Melanie: Oh, lo siento.
Charlotte: No hablo español.
Frances: What is happening?
Charlotte: I don’t know, I was just going with it.
Leslie: Sam, how ya doing?
Sam: I’ve been better!
Frances: Did you get in a fight? I know a thing or two about marital sp-
Sam: I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to leave! It’s the Nicolle and Diane show in there!
Leslie: Would you like some wine?
Sam: Can I have the whole bottle?
Melanie: Should I pull up some pictures of the Prime Minister of Finland to get your mind off it? I know you’re a big fan.
Frances: Doesn’t Garry have a crush on her?
Sam: Well, she’s ruined for me. Sorry, Sanna.
Charlotte: What exactly is going on with Nicolle and Diane? They’re just ignoring you?
Sam: They’re working on that damn book! I’m sick of that thing. Diane works on it all night when we get home and ignores me. Now my own wife is here and she’s too busy helping with it to spend any time with me. It’s nighttime! We should be binging The Bachelorette together! Not this!
Charlotte: We have a Jealous Jane on own hands!
Sam: Is that something you say in jolly old England?
Charlotte: Nope, I made it up myself to describe this situation. Perfect, right?
Frances: Yes, you’re a regular Dr. Seuss.
Charlotte: What I’m trying to say is that Sam is clearly jealous of the attention Nicolle is giving to Diane because it’s making her feel neglected.
Sam: I’m jealous of that stupid book! That’s the thing really getting all the attention!
Leslie: This reminds me of that song Diane’s always listening to -
Sam: No. Do not.
Leslie: Siri, play jealousy, jealousy by Olivia Rodrigo.
Sam: Siri, do not! I a not jealous!
Charlotte: You just -
Sam: I don’t care what I said, I didn’t mean it. I’m not jealous, I’m just sad. I want that book written so I can get my friend back and, and I can not believe I have to wish for this, get my wife back, too.
Leslie: Sam, you have us always. And, if you talk to Nicolle and Diane about how you feel, I’m sure they’ll make an attempt to devote more of their time to you.
Sam: Nicolle’s only here for one more full day, I don’t see the need to start any drama before she goes back to NYC. I’ll just grin and bear it. And use some earplugs, because I know they’re going to be up yapping all night. although, I don’t have any earplugs. Maybe I can stuff some tissues in there.
Frances: Do not do that. I have a few clean ones you can have. You don’t need a Kleenex stuck in your ear canal.
Sam: That actually could be a dream! I’d have to go to the hospital and they’d pay attention to me!
Melanie: Can we get back to Uno?
Frances: Sam’s here now, let’s just start a new game with her.
Melanie: I have one card left!
Frances: Is getting rid of that one card really worth excluding Sam?
Melanie: I’m about to win!
Leslie: We can just say you won.
Melanie: Okay, thank you. My kid never lets me win this game, she always melts down if anyone beats her.
There’s a knock at the door.
Frances: Sam, that could be Nicolle!
Sam: It’s probably just a food delivery you forgot about.
Leslie: That sounds like us.
Charlotte opens the door.
Garry: I hope I’m not too late!
Sam: Oh god! You invited Garry but not me? Did you invite Paul, too?
Frances: He said no.
Garry: Hi, nice to see you, too, Sam!
Leslie: We figured you’d be busy, it’s the only reason you weren’t invited.
Sam (singing): Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Frances: You are not a loser! Being invited here is not in any way an indicator of being a loser or not. You think we see Garry as a winner?
Garry: Ouch.
Sam: So, Garry. Wanna scroll through the Prime Minister of Finland’s Instagram feed while they set up the next game?
Leslie: Sam, you sai-
Sam: I’m embracing it. Us losers have to stick together.
Garry: My wife is right down the hall, I can’t be looking at Instagram pictures!
Sam: It’s a matter of knowing world events, it’s innocent. Plus, mine is right down the hall as well and I don't care!
Garry: You're mad at yours!
Charlotte: Wow, they really have the hots for that lady.
Leslie: Better than having the hots for Boris Johnson.
Charlotte: I didn't say I find him attractive, I said I find him charming.
Frances: Are you guys all turned on by excessive partying or something? Is that your kink?
Sam: I never needed to hear Frances talking about kinks.
Frances: Kinky, kinky, kinky! Are your ears bleeding yet?
Sam: I feel like I accidentally did LSD.
Melanie: I’m so confused.
Leslie: You’re not alone.
Four days later, at dinner…
Leslie: Diane, what do you want?
Diane: For?
Leslie: Dinner?
Diane: Oh, right. Surf and turf?
Frances: We’re at Olive Garden, dear.
Diane: Why are we here?
Sam: Some idiot wanted to come here because it’s a birthday tradition.
Garry: It’s a nice restaurant.
Sam: I want you to die.
Charlotte: I watched a movie about someone being murdered on their birthday. Happy Death Day.
Sam: Let’s get Garry in the sequel.
Carly: Only I get to say that to him!
Garry: Aww, you’re too sweet.
Leslie: Is she?
Frances: Diane, is lasagna good?
Diane: Uh-huh.
Sam: Diane, you don’t like lasagna.
Diane: Uh-huh.
Sam: Diane! I’m dying!
Diane: What?
Sam: Good, someone’s finally grabbed your attention.
Diane: What does that mean?
Sam: You are staring at your phone like a teenager.
Diane: I’m working.
Sam: On my nerves? You’re correct!
Diane: What is your problem?
Garry: I have to use the bathroom.
Frances: Not so fast!
Charlotte: It’s his birthday, let him go.
Sam: Who are you texting?
Diane: Nicolle. Is that a problem?
Sam: Yes, I feel neglected!
Diane: Oh, my god…
Sam: My wife comes to town after months away and how do I spend that first night that she’s here? In Leslie and Frances’s room, playing Uno and singing bad Kate Bush karaoke.
Charlotte: I thought you nailed Wuthering Heights. I bought that you were Cathy, begging Heathcliff to let you into his window.
Frances: Her Babooshka was a little flat, though.
Charlotte: Everyone knows you can’t have a flat Babooshka.
Sam: I feel like you’re devoting all that time to your book lately and leaving me out of your life. And now, Nicolle’s doing the same! I barely got any alone time with her int he two days she was here. Now, she’s gone back to New York and the two of you are still collaborating on the book and excluding me. That hurts!
Diane: This is not the place to have this conversation, but I suppose we’ve begun it now, so we must proceed.
Waitress: Have you decided yet?
Leslie: Few more minutes, please.
Diane: I don’t mean to neglect you, I know Nicolle doesn’t, either. I’m just trying to get this book finished. It’s stressing me out, fearing that I’ll forget some of the ideas I have in my head for it. I apologize for not spending more time with you. I especially apologize for taking away from your time with Nicolle. I’ll try to balance my writing time and my friendship time more equally.
Sam: I appreciate that, Diane. And, Leslie, I think you were right. I should’ve talked to them on Saturday.
Leslie: Leslie knows best, what can I say?
Diane: I’ve decided on the shrimp scampi, let the waitress know if she returns. I have to use the restroom.
Garry: Does that mean I’m allowed to go, too?
Leslie: You really did have to go?
Garry: Yes!
Leslie: Wow, I really thought you were just trying to escape their mess.
Ten minutes later…
Diane: Sam, I -
Sam: Where were you? Are you okay? That’s a long bathroom break.
Diane: I have a surprise for you.
Sam: You stole one of those chocolate mints? I love those.
Diane: I explained everything to Nicolle -
Sam: Oh no.
Diane: She felt terrible -
Sam: Of coruse.
Diane: She talked to her boss quickly and was able to get two days off at the end of the week. She’s coming back up here just to spend time with you. Not us. You.
Sam: Oh, Diane!
Diane: Usually I did something wrong the that’s said.
Sam: Not this time! Thank you, you’re such a great friend.
Frances: That’s not wh-
Charlotte: Not the time.
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
