The gang is having breakfast at the Sunrise Diner when Paul approaches the table.
Paul: Where’s Diane?
Sam: Ah! It’s too early in the morning to see you, Nosferatu!
Paul: I mean it, where is she? I have something to tell you that I don’t want her to hear.
Sam: Please don’t fire her. I know she's devoting a lot of time to that book, but as her friends, I think we need to learn to support that.
Paul: I am not firing her!
Frances: She’s in the bathroom freshening up. She got syrup all over herself, you’ve got about five minutes.
Charlotte: Have you been watching us and waiting for Diane to leave?
Paul: I figured this was my only chance to talk without her. You’re never apart from her once you get to the studio.
Leslie: Paul, what is it that’s so important that we know but Diane does not.
Paul: She can know eventually, just not until it’s official.
Sam: What is it, baldy?
Paul: It’s very funny to mock people’s appearance like that. What if I called you the Un-jolly White Giant?
Sam: Ooh, burn.
Garry: Just tell us already! It’s killing me!
Sam: I agree with Garry. You know I mean it, because it gives me an ulcer just to put those words together.
Charlotte: She’ll be back any minute, so, tick tock!
Paul: It’s not official, but Freddy & William is about to be canceled. I know her thoughts on that show.
Leslie: The show that almost got my show canceled.
Sam: I can’t believe this. She’s gonna party like the Prime Minister of Finland tonight.
Paul: It won’t be announced for a few days.
Charlotte: What is it with you and the Prime Minister?
Sam: Have you seen her?
Garry: Why are you cancelling it in the middle of summer? Hasn’t production already started?
Paul: For legal reasons, I can’t say any more.
Leslie: Why was it so imperative that we find out early?
Paul: We have no time to find a replacement and get it on the air, so we want you to do a Bake Your Heart Out after show for a few weeks at the start of the season in the nine PM time slot.
Leslie: I suppose I have to produce that, too?
Paul: Would you have it any other way?
Leslie: No, I suppose not.
Frances: Why can’t Diane know about this?
Paul: Her hate for Freddy & William is pretty extreme. I’m afraid she’d leak the cancellation to the press accidentally.
Sam: How do you know we won’t?
Paul: You wouldn't betray me like that.
Frances (singing): You betraaaaaaaayed meeeeee!
Sam: So we just do this now? This is who we are? An Olivia Rodrigo karaoke group?
Frances: When you have a golden set of pipes like I do, you have to share that gift with the world.
Sam: Well, I’d rather hear that than a Garry story, at least.
Paul: All right, I better scurry before Diane gets back. See you in about an hour?
Sam: Damn, I forgot we have to work today. That sucks.
The next day, on the set of Bake Your Heart Out…
Diane: Bakers, you should all be so proud for having made it to the halfway point in the competition. This is an accomplishment no one can take away from you. One of you, however, stood tall today with your half-and-half deserts. Victor, you are our victor today. Congrats on being the top baker of the week!
Sam: Patrice, great job today, you’re safe, too.
Diane: Madison, Trevor, you are also safe.
Sam: That means Olivia and Helen are our bottom too.
Diane: Olivia, the structure of your half-and-half cake betrayed you, and your black-and-white cookies left the judges with a sour taste in their mouth.
Sam: Helen, the judges really had to hunt to find anything positive to say about your cake, with flavor combinations the frankly made no sense.
Diane: You’ve both done so well, but we have to say goodbye to one of you. And that baker is…
Sam: Helen.
Diane: Helen, we’re going to miss you.
Helen: It’s been an honor and a privilege. Thank you for giving me the chance to do what I love with such a lovely group of people.
Sam: That’s all for Bake Your Heart Out, thanks for watching, and we’ll see you next week!
Leslie: Cut! Great job, everyone!
Diane: Ooh, I just got a notification on my phone!
Sam: You get excited over the strangest things.
Charlotte: I think it’s nice. We all need that child-like sense of wonder.
Diane: It’s from TMZ!
Sam: I swear to god, this better not be about Olivia Rodrigo.
Diane: “UTN SHOCKER: Freddy & William axed after 6 seasons (TMZ EXCLUSIVE)”
Frances: I feel like we don’t talk about how we work for a network named UTN, which is frighteningly close to “UTI.”
Diane: This is the greatest day of my life!
Helen: Did I do something to you?
Diane: Oh, Helen, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean because of you leaving! You’ve been a delight.
Helen: Yeah, right.
Paul: Leslie, can I see you for a second?
Diane: Paul, you are my hero!
Leslie: Coming in a sec!
Sam: So where we going for celebratory drinks?
Diane: It’s three o’clock.
Sam: Well Diane, I guess some of us are more excited about the cancellation than you are.
Paul: Leslie, how did this leak? It wasn’t supposed to be announced until tomorrow!
Leslie: Garry. It was definitely Garry. He has lips loose enough to sink the Titanic all over again.
Paul: Was that metaphor supposed to make sense?
Leslie: You know, I went for something there and it just did not work.
Paul: I’d better rush to announce that Bake Your Heart Out after-show. It should help cushion the blow of the Freddy & William cancellation.
Leslie: Does anyone besides Diane care? The ratings were -
Paul: No need to speak ill of them, their show’s already dead.
Leslie: Point taken.
Paul: Can you do me a favor?
Leslie: What now?
Paul: Let’s try and make sure Diane doesn’t make any celebratory posts on social media about this. Sam as well. Really, all of them. half of them did sort of quit the show over pay parity with Freddy & William. UTN doesn’t need any more controversy stemming from this.
Leslie: I will try, but Diane is a beast very difficult to tame.
Paul: Are we thinking of the same Diane? The one who listens to sad pop and drinks wine on the beach at sunset and talks incessantly about Bachelor in Paradise?
Leslie: Yeah, she’s very stubborn.
Paul: Diane? Are you confusing her with Sam?
Leslie: They’re all a pain in my ass! I can’t believe they’ve not driven my to alcoholism.
Paul: Just make sure they don’t do this one thing. That is all.
Leslie: You know damn well that’s a bigger ask than it sounds. For starters, I’ll have to keep them from getting drunk.
Paul: I believe in you.
Leslie: Glad one of us does.
Later that night, at the Flaherty’s Seafood restaurant…
Diane: You guys, I am so thrilled, it’s hard to put it into words.
Sam: You’ve been saying so many words the past few hours.
Diane: My enemies are finally getting theirs! You’d be thrilled, too!
Sam: That is correct. I enjoy the downfall of my enemies. You’re behaving as I would
Diane: Thank you!
Frances: Are you not at all concerned that the most spiteful woman we know just told you you’re acting as she would act?
Diane: A little, but I can’t feel guilt about celebrating their downfall. They were terrible to me. So, tonight’s on me. We’re celebrating.
Leslie: Uh, Diane, it’s great you’re happy. I love to see you happy.
Sam: A “but” is coming.
Garry: I already see a “butt.”
Carly: Honey, I love you, but don’t even try to compete with Sam. You can’t stack up to her insults. They’re on another level.
Sam (through fake tears): You know, it really hurts when your friends calls you names.
Garry: Are you serious?
Charlotte: It’s okay, Sam. Just eat your lobster bisque and ignore his bullying.
Garry: Oh my god…
Leslie: Can I talk?
Diane: Please.
Leslie: Diane, I want you to feel free to be happy about this. But please, for the sake of the network, don’t go liking shady tweets about it or even worse, posting any.
Diane: What about Instagram?
Garry: Those likes are public, even if you don't realize it.
Carly: The Prime Minister of Finland and I are aware. Garry.
Charlotte: Seriously, what is it with this woman?
Garry: I only find her so alluring because she reminds me of you!
Carly: Sure.
Diane: Okay, no shady social media likes. But what about Facebook?
Leslie: No.
Diane: But that’s p-
Leslie: No.
Diane: Are you sure?
Leslie: When is that waitress going to come back and ask our entrée orders?
One hour later…
Sam: Diane, why are you looking like that?
Diane: Like what?
Sam: Your voice is trembling. What’s wrong?
Charlotte: You know, there are people waiting for this table.
Sam: Screw them, they can wait another ten minutes for their fish. I’m checking on my friend.
Charlotte: Can’t you check on her outside?
Diane: I read through the TMZ article about Freddy & William, to relive the thrill.
Garry: It just happened a few hours ago, you already need to “relive” it?
Carly: I shoulda used that line on you on our wedding night.
Sam: Wow, burn! Good one, Carly.
Garry: She’s even turned my wife against me.
Diane: Hey, I was talking!
Charlotte: Please continue before one of them brings up Finland again.
Sam: Sanna Marin is a -
Charlotte: No!
Frances: You like Boris Johnson.
Charlotte: I did not say that, stop bullying me!
Leslie: Didn’t Frances say she found President Bolsonaro from Brazil attractive?
Frances: No! I said he has a cool name.
Carly: When do you guys have conversations about world leaders?
Garry: We have a lot of free time on the set.
Diane: Shut up!
Sam: oh, right. Continue, Diane.
Diane: Paul didn’t tell us that the reason he canceled Freddy & William was because of a labor union dispute. The unionized crew on the show went on strike over low pay, the network fired them and hired scabs, and they decided to cancel the show after the union threatened to sue.
Frances: That’s awful. There’s nothing I hate more in this world than people who don’t respect unions.
Sam: I had no idea Frances was so progressive.
Frances: I care about people. Nothing shocking there.
Diane: How can I celebrate the show being canceled when this is the reason for it? I stand proudly with organized labor. I’m a union member! I’ve donated to the AFL-CIO. I love unions! This is wrong.
Garry: Is the party at your room off?
Diane: Yes, Garry.
Charlotte: I love that Diane was celebrating all those people losing their jobs to begin with from the show being canceled, but she’s upset that they were actually fired and replaced with scabs before the cancellation.
Diane: Scabs are scum of the earth!
Leslie: Check’s here!
Diane: This night’s taken quite a turn.
Later that night, at the Riviera Inn…
Melanie: Diane, what’s on your mind
Diane: Melanie, I feel very conflicted.
Melanie: I can tell. You’re wandering the lobby alone at ten. And I smell alcohol on you.
Diane: That was celebratory, the celebration went sour.
Melanie: Did Sam tell you her least-favorite Olivia Rodrigo song is Hope Ur Ok again?
Diane: No, but now you reminded me of that and I’m more upset!
Melanie: I must say, I really do appreciate that I’m the one you guys all come to for advice nowadays. I’m like your free therapist.
Diane: You need to get licensed, you’re very good at it.
Melanie: So what’s really going on?
Diane: A show I hate, starring people I hate who used to be paid more than me despite flop ratings, was canceled today. I was on top of the world, and then I learned that I work for a union-busting network with no morals. They canceled the show out of spite over a strike and a planned lawsuit. Not only can I not celebrate that, I feel like I have to speak out against it. But I was told not to make any public statement about it at all. Not celebratory, and certainly not anything that could rock the boat like this. And to make it all worse, a Bake after-show is supposed to take its slot on the fall schedule. It’s giving me a headache.
Melanie: Diane, I admire you so much for always doing what you think is the moral thing to do. You try your best to stand on the right side of things. I don’t think you need me to tell you what you should do here. You already know.
Diane: Yes, but have you considered that I’m going to get yelled at if I do the right thing?
Melanie: Isn’t that usually a perk for you? Getting reprimanded by the patriarchy?
Diane: I am quite the social justice warrior. I’m used to being yelled at by the man.
Melanie: Listen to your heart.
Diane: Ah, that’s a good song.
Melanie: How are you going to speak out against this?
Diane: I’m not sure yet. I’ve got to think.
Melanie: You’ll come up with something, I know you will.
The next morning, there is a knock at the door of Sam and Diane’s…
Sam: It’s too early for this, be quiet, alarm.
Diane: It’s someone at the door, not an alarm.
Leslie: Diane, let me in!
Diane opens the door.
Diane: Hey Leslie!
Leslie: What the hell?
Diane: Good morning!
Leslie: “UTN’s cancellation of Freddy & William is a disgraceful decision made out of spite that will put hundreds of union workers out of work for the crime of striking. Sign my petition to tell UTN that anti-union decisions are unacceptable.”
Diane: I have to live my life.
Leslie: Well, you probably won’t be living it for much longer, because Paul’s gonna kill both of us. This is trending #1 on Twitter. Good job, you stuck your neck out for a show you detest.
Sam: I’m trying to sleep!
Leslie: Oh, get up! Just because its your day off doesn't mean you’re allergic to waking up at seven.
Diane: I did what’s right. I’m sorry that Paul refused to. Now, I’m going back to the powder room to get ready.
There is another knock on the door.
Sam: This is hell!
Leslie opens the door.
Diane: Ah, Paul. Full house here today!
Leslie: I was just leaving…
Paul: Not so fast!
Diane: How could you?!?
Paul: How could I? YOu stabbed the network in the back.
Sam: I believe the correct word is “betrayed.” She betrayed you.
Diane: And you know that I’ll never feel sorry. You’re still a traitor!
Paul: I’m lost.
Diane: You’re such a boomer.
Paul: You’re older than me.
Diane: So?
Paul: I just came to congratulate you, actually. You’ve sent the internet into such a frenzy that the network held an emergency meeting and un-canceled Freddy & William. Congrats on that.
Leslie: What does this mean for the after-show?
Paul: What after-show?
Leslie: Oh god, I’m gonna cry.
Diane: A win for unions is a win for humanity. Sorry you don’t see it that way.
Sam: Can you both leave now?
Diane: Yeah, I have a tweet to send!
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
