REAGAN is sitting alone in her apartment. Having just woken up, she is sipping a hot cup of coffee when a sudden thought hits her. She calls ADAM.
REAGAN
Adam? Are you awake?
ADAM
I am now. I really need to change my ring tone so it’s not the same as my alarm clock.
REAGAN
I hear ya. But listen, I just had this crazy thought: how the hell are we gonna get re-elected to the House?
ADAM
I don’t know. Lorenzo would tell you something about—
REAGAN
Forget about what Lorenzo would say, we’re not gonna win off knowing the guy who gave businesses cheap chairs. What do you think we can do?
ADAM
I think that’s something we think about when we’re back in session.
REAGAN
I don’t know Adam, won’t that be too late? We have no money.
ADAM
What do you mean? We make a comfortable amount as lawyers. More than I would’ve expected, actually.
REAGAN
Yeah, but not politician money. It takes a lot of money to run for office. Remember the only reason we even got elected was everyone before us was corrupt beyond belief.
ADAM
Are you suggesting we retire?
REAGAN
No, I always figured we’d try to hold onto our seats as long as we could.
ADAM
What about all the speeches and book deals?
REAGAN
You don’t get those after being a state representative for one term.
ADAM
TV political pundit?
REAGAN
That, maybe. But don’t you want to do more good for the people of Indiana?
ADAM
Yeah.
REAGAN
Then let’s come up with a plan.
ADAM
Here’s my plan: call the home phone. It’ll text you the number.
REAGAN
Great! Talk soon.
REAGAN hangs up the phone. She sees ADAM’s text and calls the number. LORENZO answers.
LORENZO
Lorenzo’s phone, Lorenzo speaking.
REAGAN
WHAT?!
LORENZO
I know, nobody’s called this phone in like, days! So what got you calling?
REAGAN
I THOUGHT I was calling Adam on his home phone. Guess I should’ve listened more closely when he just said the home phone.
LORENZO
Ah, lying by omission. He’d make a good politician.
REAGAN
You know that’s actually what I was trying to talk about.
LORENZO
Adam being a politician? He should go for it! Think of all the book deals he’d get.
REAGAN
What’s it with everyone and book deals? Also, you sound oddly awake for this time in the morning.
LORENZO
Yeah, I just had some—well, I’ll let you guess. Starts with a c and then an o.
REAGAN
Who eats cotton candy for breakfast?
LORENZO
I do. But I haven’t had breakfast yet.
REAGAN
You know there’s an h between the c and the o in chocolate?
LORENZO
I drank coffee.
REAGAN
Oh. Now I feel dumb.
LORENZO
Don’t worry about it. When I feel dumb, I try to talk to someone who understands my dumbness.
REAGAN
Nobody understands it, Lorenzo.
LORENZO
Well in that case, I need to stop talking to Chase.
LORENZO hangs up. REAGAN is confused by the ending to the conversation but uses it as a reason to call CHASE, who answers groggily.
CHASE
Hello?
REAGAN
Chase! Hope I don’t chase you away saying this but.
CHASE
But what?
REAGAN
Oh. I thought you were gonna interrupt me by complimenting my usage of your signature pun.
CHASE
Oh. Nah.
REAGAN
Alright then.
CHASE
Look, my alarm doesn’t ring for another…uh, five minutes so I’d like to get back to sleep.
REAGAN
You and I both know that’s not gonna happen. I was talking to Lorenzo and it inspired me to call you.
CHASE
Oh, looking for the voice of reason.
REAGAN
I guess? He kinda just said your name and I figured you couldn’t be any less useless than him and Adam.
CHASE
Alright, what’s up?
REAGAN
I was wondering how we’re gonna get re-elected to the House.
CHASE doesn’t answer.
REAGAN
Chase? You there?
CHASE
Hold on.
REAGAN hears SAM in the background.
SAM
Who are you talking to, that sounds like a woman’s voice!
CHASE
Relax, it’s just Reagan.
SAM
Oh, JUST Reagan? She’s a friend of ours.
CHASE
No, I mean, it’s nothing…you know.
SAM
I don’t think I suggested anything about you cheating on me!
CHASE
Deep breaths. Look at the clock.
SAM looks at the clock.
CHASE
Now subtract from that the time it was when you went to sleep. How much did you sleep?
SAM
Let’s see…an hour there followed by two hours of being awake, then a 10-minute sleep followed by 3 minutes of being awake, and then…whatever the answer is, it’s less than I needed.
CHASE
Correct. Now I’ll put Reagan on speaker so we can both talk to her calmly.
CHASE puts REAGAN on speaker.
REAGAN
Hey Sam! Just wondering your thoughts on how we get re-elected to the House.
SAM
I bet Adam has an idea.
REAGAN
He doesn’t.
SAM
I really wish I could help us out but all that’s in my brain are confusing thoughts about how chairs fly in space and beds should be diagonal.
CHASE
She’s super tired. Sorry we’re being useless.
REAGAN
Alright, I’ll hang up.
REAGAN hangs up and calls back LORENZO.
LORENZO
Lorenzo’s phone, Lorenzo speaking.
REAGAN
On second thought, keep talking to Chase.
REAGAN hangs up and calls LINCOLN.
LINCOLN
Yellow?
REAGAN
Please just say hello.
LINCOLN
Sorry, I’ve been trying out different phone greetings. So far I haven’t found any that have stuck. I’ve found that answering the phone with Bye isn’t seen as friendly.
REAGAN
Which word?
LINCOLN
Bye.
REAGAN hangs up, thinking LINCOLN was telling her bye. REAGAN then frantically calls MADISON.
REAGAN
Hey Madison! PLEASE help me out here.
MADISON
What is it?
REAGAN
I had this thought about us not getting re-elected to the House and now I’m trying to see if there’s anything we can do right now to boost our standing. You know, before we return to session.
MADISON
We could get money from some big donors. Easier said than done, of course.
REAGAN
Big donors…like who?
MADISON
Let’s look it up. There are so many places online where you can find which politicians businesses are donating to, which political groups they donate to, and so on. That way we know the issues they care about and will throw their money behind.
REAGAN
That’s a great idea!
MADISON
Let’s look locally. What are some local companies?
REAGAN
Uh…I can only think of one off the top of my head.
MADISON
What is it?
REAGAN
I don’t know I want to say it.
MADISON
Come on Reagan, just say it.
REAGAN
Fine. SugarCity.
MADISON
Oh. Yeah. Ok. Let’s see…whoa.
REAGAN
What?
MADISON doesn’t answer.
REAGAN
Madison, PLEASE say you’re still there!
MADISON
I’m still there. Or here.
REAGAN
What was with the pause?
MADISON
They donate a TON of money!
REAGAN
Really? To who? Or what?
MADISON
Let’s see…they’ve donated to organizations of all kinds, and politicians with many different political views. We could have leverage there too. Rumor has it Fred begged Lorenzo to return.
REAGAN
Who told you that?
MADISON
Chase. Apparently when Lorenzo thinks he did something dumb, he tells Chase about it.
REAGAN
So do you think we can get SugarCity to give some money to us?
MADISON
Sure. Just call up Lorenzo and tell him all about this. Between you and me, you’re lucky you called me about this and not Chase, Sam, Adam, or Lincoln. They would’ve been useless.
REAGAN
Uh, yeah. Well, thanks for figuring this out! I’ll be in touch.
REAGAN hangs up the phone, relieved that progress has been made. REAGAN then calls LORENZO.
REAGAN
Hi again Lorenzo.
LORENZO
Reagan, this is the third time you’ve called me in the past few minutes.
REAGAN
Yeah, I know.
LORENZO
Be honest. Am I your only friend?
REAGAN
What? No!
LORENZO
If you say so. Now what is it you’d like to tell me.
REAGAN
I talked to Madison, who provided some good input to my question. Turns out, SugarCity donates to politicians and political organizations. With their help, we could get our re-election campaigns going strong.
LORENZO
Would this involve going to SugarCity?
REAGAN
Yeah.
LORENZO
You know they make the chocolate right there.
REAGAN
And if you’re lucky, maybe they’ll let you see it.
LORENZO
Oh they better!
REAGAN
So what I want you to do is call up Fred and ask him if we can set up a meeting with the CEO.
REAGAN hears LORENZO dialing the phone.
LORENZO
Hey Fred! When’s a good time for me and my friends to tour the chocolate factory?
LORENZO pauses.
LORENZO
Alright, have it your way. Then when’s a good time to meet with your CEO?
LORENZO pauses.
LORENZO
Thanks!
REAGAN
I meant, like, after we were done talking.
LORENZO
I got us a meeting at SugarCity though.
REAGAN
Really? For when?!
LORENZO
Today.
REAGAN
Holy crap, that’s soon. Alright, whatever you had planned for today will have to wait. Get ready, I’ll text the others.
CUT to CHASE, SAM, MADISON, ADAM, and LINCOLN standing outside the train station.
LINCOLN
I could’ve sworn Reagan told us to meet her at 8:20.
CHASE
That’s what she texted me and Sam. Adam, what time did Reagan tell you to be here?
ADAM
Same time as all of you. And she’s not one to be late.
SAM
Did it ever occur to any of you that she might be at a different part of the train station?
LINCOLN
It’s a big station. We’ll never be able to find her!
CHASE
If you were Reagan, where would you be?
ADAM
The train station.
CHASE
Yeah, but WHERE in the train station?
MADISON
Uh…guys?
CHASE
Yeah?
MADISON
Look at the board. Our train has already arrived. We gotta go!
SAM, CHASE, ADAM, MADISON, and LINCOLN run over to the track. They see a train loading. REAGAN, LORENZO, and HARRY are standing next to the door.
REAGAN
Lorenzo, for the last time, there’s no restaurant on the train.
LORENZO
But how am I supposed to eat then?!
REAGAN
You were supposed to eat before you came here. Harry, are you hungry?
HARRY
Nope, I already ate breakfast.
LORENZO
So did I. Doesn’t stop me from being hungry!
REAGAN
Lorenzo, can we please not do this?
LORENZO
No. I’m not getting on that train unless they give me food and that’s final.
REAGAN
You’ve gotta be kidding me.
ADAM
Hey…hate to interrupt this lovely argument but if you keep it up the train’s gonna leave without any of us.
LORENZO
Good.
SAM
Also, with all due respect Harry…why are you here?
HARRY
Reagan texted me. But I don’t know why.
REAGAN
I figured we need all the help we can get.
HARRY
Let me tell you right now, I don’t envision myself being very helpful.
REAGAN
You can’t possibly be more useless than Lorenzo’s being.
CHASE
Lorenzo, let’s get on the train or we’re going there without you.
LORENZO
How are you gonna win over SugarCity’s executives without King Lorenzo?
REAGAN
Lorenzo if you get on this train we’ll visit the factory part. We’ll see how the chocolate is made. Do we have a deal?
LORENZO walks onto the train.
CHASE
Appears so. Come on everyone, let’s get on before they doors close.
CHASE, REAGAN, MADISON, ADAM, HARRY, SAM, and LINCOLN all board the train.
LORENZO
EXCUSE ME EVERYONE! I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT! DOES ANYONE HAVE FOOD?
Everyone on the train ignores LORENZO.
LORENZO
They must not’ve heard me.
SAM
Oh they definitely heard you. It’s just that nobody cares.
LORENZO
That’s not very nice. I guess I’ll just sit down by myself, without any food.
ADAM
You and a couple hundred others.
The train starts to move. None of them are able to find seats so they sit on the floor as a group.
MADISON
This sucks.
HARRY
At least we don’t have to sit with other people.
MADISON
I wouldn’t have minded getting a seat.
HARRY
And possibly having to make awkward conversation with a stranger? No thank you.
A conductor comes by to collect tickets.
CONDUCTOR
You guys have your tickets?
ADAM, LINCOLN, MADISON, SAM, CHASE, and HARRY all hand the CONDUCTOR their tickets. The CONDUCTOR looks to LORENZO.
CONDUCTOR
And how about you, Sir?
LORENZO
I’ll give you my ticket if you tell me about your secret menu.
CONDUCTOR
We don’t have a secret menu. Or a menu, for that matter.
LORENZO
Liar.
CONDUCTOR
Sir, I’m going to have to ask for your ticket or else you’ll have to exit the train at the next stop.
REAGAN
That’s actually our stop.
CONDUCTOR
Well in that case…eh, just let me do my job please.
LORENZO
What’s on the secret menu.
HARRY yanks the ticket out of LORENZO’s hand and gives it to the CONDUCTOR.
CONDUCTOR
Thank you Sir, you’re an every day hero.
LORENZO
Why thank you, I appreciate that.
CONDUCTOR
Wasn’t talking to you.
The CONDUCTOR walks away.
MADISON
How long of a ride is this anyways?
REAGAN
We should be there soon.
ADAM
You mean to say we spent the majority of the ride trying and failing to find a seat, and then forcing LORENZO to hand over his ticket despite not getting any food?
REAGAN
Pretty much, yeah.
The train crawls to a stop. REAGAN, ADAM, CHASE, SAM, HARRY, LORENZO, and LINCOLN exit the train.
LINCOLN
Now what?
REAGAN
According to what I saw online, SugarCity’s headquarters is very close to the train station. You guys ready for the most important days of our political careers?
HARRY
I am in no way shape or form involved in politics.
REAGAN
Everyone except Harry, that is.
CHASE
I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.
LINCOLN
Same here.
ADAM
I’m excited.
SAM
Let’s just all be calm and make clear what we want.
LORENZO
I’m more than ready. It’s a good thing I ate breakfast.
REAGAN
Wait…what? Why the whole big scene over getting something to eat?
LORENZO
I like to try the food the locals eat whenever I travel.
REAGAN
We went on a train.
LORENZO
And?
REAGAN
You know what, whatever. I’m glad you’re ready. Everyone, follow me.
Everyone follows REAGAN to SugarCity’s headquarters.
After walking for roughly a quarter mile, LORENZO, REAGAN, ADAM, CHASE, SAM, MADISON, LINCOLN, and HARRY are now all standing outside the corporate headquarters of SugarCity.
HARRY
I still don’t understand why I have to be involved in this. I’m not a representative or a lawyer.
REAGAN
Moral support.
HARRY
Moral support?
ADAM
I don’t know about anyone else but I’m scared out of my mind for this. Did you know that this is the first time I’m trying to ask for an endorsement?
LINCOLN
You’ve mentioned it a few times.
MADISON
Look guys, no matter what happens, at least we tried. We had a great—well, maybe not great but passable—first year in office and I’m sure re-election will go great with a little bit of help from SugarCity.
LORENZO
I don’t know Madison, The Affordable Chair Act is a disaster.
CHASE
I like LorenzoChair better, personally.
REAGAN
Stop it! No matter what it’s called, that’s not what we’re here for today. We’re gonna go inside, get SugarCity to say they’ll endorse us and give us some money for our re-election campaign, and skedaddle.
ADAM
Who says skedaddle anymore?
HARRY
Not me.
REAGAN
Once again Harry: moral support. That’s what you’re here for.
HARRY
I’m supporting the silent majority. So, everyone except you.
LINCOLN
I think it’s about time we walk inside now.
ADAM
You first.
LINCOLN
Fine.
LINCOLN opens the door and walks in. He smells the air.
LINCOLN
Doesn’t smell like cotton candy. Sorry Lorenzo, you lose the bet.
LORENZO hands LINCOLN a $5 bill.
LINCOLN smiles.
LINCOLN
My favorite kind of bill. And that includes the Dumb Tax Act!
MADISON
You mean the bill that failed?
LINCOLN
Yeah, that one.
SAM
Why are the floors marble? Seems fancy.
HARRY
How should I know, I didn’t design this place.
MADISON
Harry! Moral support!
HARRY
I think it’s been established by now that I’m not here for that.
ADAM
My heart rate hasn’t been higher than this since I went for a run this morning.
LORENZO
Do what I do when I get nervous: go to your happy place. I like to close my eyes and picture watching a basketball game. Works well, sometimes I forget I’m still at a baseball game!
REAGAN
You really hate it there, don’t you?
LORENZO
Well, I like the crowd, my fellow bullpeners, and the food. The game itself? Eh.
HARRY
Aren’t you all here to meet someone? Seems like you’re just standing around.
CHASE
Oh, right! Looking for a guy named Albert.
LORENZO yells.
LORENZO
ALBERT! WHERE ARE YOU! ALBERTTTTTT!!!!!!
A man quickly walks over to the group. He introduces himself as ALBERT.
ALBERT
Nice to meet you all, but geez, you don’t have to yell.
SAM
We’re so sorry about him.
ALBERT
It’s alright. Life’s great, I’m the CEO of SugarCity and everyone loves me. Gotta stay optimistic. Can I offer anyone anything? Coffee? Tea? Water?
LINCOLN
I’ll have some water if you don’t mind.
ALBERT
Third floor to your left, a couple doors down.
Everyone stands still.
LINCOLN
Oh, you want me to get it?
ALBERT
Nope! Be right back!
ALBERT leaves and quickly returns with water for LINCOLN. LINCOLN spills the water on the ground.
ALBERT
No problem there! Everyone follow me to my office, I want to get into the details and then you can all skedaddle.
REAGAN
See Harry? I’m not the only one who says it.
Everyone follows ALBERT up to his office. It is the entirety of the 32nd floor, and is a spacious room with TVs, couches, and a hallway with pictures dating back to when SugarCity first opened.
ALBERT
I got some exclusive chocolate bars in one of my desk drawers, never released.
LORENZO
Why not?
ALBERT
A couple are upcoming releases. Some others tested terribly, and yet others were limited edition bars that were supposed to be in partnership with a celebrity who ended up getting canceled by virtually everyone. Wouldn’t be a good look for us.
LORENZO
Do they taste good?
ALBERT
I’ll let you be the judge.
ALBERT tosses a candy bar to LORENZO, who takes a bite.
LORENZO
Tastes like an apple-blueberry-chocolate combination. Is that right?
ALBERT
You got it!
LORENZO
Can’t say I’ve heard of the celebrity though.
ALBERT
It’s best it stays that way.
CHASE
Albert, would you mind if we get down to business now?
ALBERT
Oh, certainly not! I’m looking forward to what you have to offer.
CHASE
Are you familiar with our legislation from our first year?
ALBERT
I am, yes.
CHASE
And?
ALBERT
I would say your policies are unpopular with me, but that simply isn’t true.
LORENZO
Phew. We work hard for the Indian people!
REAGAN
Indianan, Lorenzo. We’re state representatives in Indiana, not India.
ALBERT
Back to what I was saying. It’s not true because their unpopularity goes beyond just me.
REAGAN
Oh?
ALBERT
All SugarCity executives find your policies to be rather lacking in substance. And they’ve hurt people more than helped them.
ADAM
How so?
ALBERT
Well to start, The Affordable Chair Act, otherwise known as LorenzoChair, is a disaster. Fred came here very mad one day when he found out about it. Said it really impacted Lorenzo’s Kitchen for the worse.
HARRY
Oh he’s damn right! One person sat down and the LorenzoChair actually BROKE on them! I wouldn’t usually find it hilarious, but with Lorenzo being the driver of the legislation and all—priceless.
MADISON
Excuse him Albert, he’s only here for moral support. Or at least, we thought that’s why we brought him along.
ALBERT
Point is, you come across as weak representatives policy-wise.
LINCOLN
So…what you’re saying is we’re all going to lose re-election.
ALBERT
Well, not necessarily. Money can go a long way in politics, and if you cozy up with SugarCity a bit, I can consider an endorsement.
LINCOLN
Consider?
ALBERT
Yup. And it’s also all about image and who you run against. For example, if they’re unknown, you can frame them to be an capitalistic fascist socialist.
LINCOLN
I’m not sure anyone identifies as that.
ALBERT
Point being, you should still have a shot.
LORENZO
No thanks, I already had a few earlier today.
MADISON
What?! Lorenzo, please tell me you’re not right now.
LORENZO
Shot of cotton candy! Relax.
MADISON
I should’ve known. You’re so predictable sometimes.
ALBERT
Lorenzo, I think your personality can get you re-elected. As for the rest of you, as I’ve said, cozy up to SugarCity.
HARRY
What about me? I’m not a representative.
ALBERT
You can do whatever you want then.
HARRY
Can I keep calling it SugarShitty?
ALBERT
Do you want to get fired?
HARRY
Haven’t decided yet.
CHASE
In fairness to Harry, it is fun to say.
MADISON
Let’s get back on topic here. Albert, have you and/or SugarShitty—dammit!—SugarCity donated anywhere else?
ALBERT
A bunch of food banks and lots of people on the local level. In fact, we have an amazing track record at donating to the eventual winning candidate.
LORENZO
Impressive! How do you do that?
ALBERT
We have our ways of figuring that out.
CHASE
So in essence, if you donate to my campaign, I’ll win?
ALBERT
I’ll do my best.
CHASE
What do you mean, do your best? Don’t you just donate money and then hope the candidate wins? Or at least, doesn’t completely humiliate themselves?
ALBERT looks at his phone.
ALBERT
Excuse me for a second, I have a meeting to go to.
REAGAN
You’re the CEO, can’t you reschedule or arrive casually late?
ALBERT
I’m already casually late. I’ll touch base later.
LORENZO laughs.
ALBERT
That wasn’t a baseball pun!
LORENZO
I’m still gonna take it as such.
MADISON
Should we wait here for you, Albert?
ALBERT
I’ll find you eventually.
ALBERT leaves. Everyone else waits a few seconds to talk.
HARRY
I hate that guy.
ADAM
He thinks we might get re-elected!
HARRY
Exactly. There’s something about him that just seems…off.
ADAM
Just because he thinks we have a chance at winning doesn’t mean he’s off.
HARRY
He said he only donates to winners. He said he might donate to you. And he said you might win.
LORENZO
He said I will win!
HARRY
Sadly, you could probably say or do almost anything and still win. Even if you weren’t on the ballot!
MADISON
Harry, we brought you here for moral support and all you’ve been doing is dragging us down. Albert seems like a solid guy who cares about our campaigns so long as we do his company favors. Isn’t that how it works?
HARRY
I mean, kind of, yeah, but not to this extent. I think this guy rigs elections.
LINCOLN
That’s ridiculous Harry.
HARRY
No it’s not. In fact, they’re probably the reason for the mass exodus that got you dopes into Congress to begin with.
REAGAN
Hey! Me, Madison, Sam, Adam, and Lincoln are NOT dopes!
LORENZO
Don’t forget me!
REAGAN
I left you out intentionally.
HARRY
SugarShitty knew they wanted to buy Lorenzo’s Kitchen, but they wanted to raise its profile first. So they sent you all to Congress.
SAM
They didn’t pay a penny to us.
HARRY
But they easily could’ve taken the other people out. In fact, I bet all those “canceled” celebrities were “canceled” by SugarShitty themselves.
SAM
I can’t even take you seriously when you say it like that.
HARRY
Fine. I’ll say SugarCity for your young innocent mind. But it doesn’t change the fact that something is not right here.
LORENZO
Harry may have a point. If there’s anything I’ve learned about Harry by spending time with him in the bullpen, it’s that he calls stuff out when it needs to be called out. He doesn’t hold back.
HARRY
Thank you Lorenzo. And I apologize to the rest of you for saying those three words together in front of you.
LORENZO
We should still keep an open mind. You might be coming to conclusions that just don’t exist. We don’t know yet.
MADISON
Lorenzo coming through with the reasoning for once. I like it!
SAM
So should we really just wait here for Albert to come back? It’s a huge building.
LORENZO
I want to see how they make the candy!
SAM
Yeah, personally I was shocked when I saw they make the candy right in the corporate building, but I guess it’s convenient for one of us.
ADAM
Come on guys, let’s go to the factory.
Everyone stands up and walks to the nearest elevator. They get inside.
REAGAN
Uh…anyone know where the candy is made?
LORENZO
I have an idea.
LORENZO presses every single floor button in the elevator.
LORENZO
This way we’ll know for sure.
ADAM
I just looked it up on my phone. It’s the 60th floor. Right up top. Would make sense actually given all the exhaust coming out.
Everyone waits patiently in the elevator to get to the 60th floor.
HARRY
I don’t know about you guys but I’m very glad nobody else came in the elevator. I don’t feel like talking to an executive right now, who knows what they’re hiding.
MADISON
Harry, don’t be paranoid. Open mind, remember?
HARRY
Fine.
Everyone walks out of the elevator and into the factory.
LORENZO
CANDY!!!!!!!!
ADAM
Lorenzo, please don’t ask—
LORENZO runs up to an employee.
LORENZO
Excuse me ma’am, may I have some candy?
ADAM
How did I know that would happen?
A woman stares at LORENZO for a few seconds, before shaking her head ‘No.’
LORENZO
Oh sorry ma’am, I didn’t know you didn’t speak English. Wait what am I saying, you can’t understand me if I’m still speaking English! I am so sorry—
FACTORY WORKER
I can speak English dimwit!
LORENZO
Oh. Sorry.
FACTOR WORKER
Name’s Mary. I’m just stressed, that’s all. Please step back from the machinery, I really don’t need someone to get injured on my watch.
LORENZO
Understood. But can I at least stay at a distance where I can see how it’s made?
MARY
Sure.
LORENZO takes one step back.
LORENZO
This far enough?
MARY
Further.
LORENZO takes another step back.
LORENZO
How about now?
MARY
Try about six or seven more steps.
LORENZO
Which one is it? Six or seven?
MARY
Depends how big your steps are.
LORENZO
I’d say moderately normal.
MARY
Just step back.
LORENZO takes six steps back.
LORENZO
Now I can’t see as good.
MARY
Can you see decently?
LORENZO
Yeah.
MARY
Then you can see good enough. Now I have to get back to my job.
MARY turns around and notices a lot of liquid chocolate has spilled over the edges of the machinery.
MARY
HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!
CHASE
Yeah, that looks bad.
MARY
Gregory is going to fire me!
ADAM
Deep breaths. It’ll be fine.
MARY
No. Really. My wage is going to be gone, he’s gonna fire me.
REAGAN
I know this seems bad, but it’s just a blunder! Please calm down.
MARY
Gregory said if I made one more mistake he’s gonna fire me.
SAM
Oh no. How many mistakes have you made?
MARY
Zero.
SAM
You’ve made zero before now and you think he’ll fire you? It was probably just a threat to make you continue to do well.
MARY
I can’t believe after working here for thousands of hours it’s gonna end like this.
LORENZO
Thousands of hours? You must be a veteran! Not a war veteran. Well, you could be a war veteran, but that’s not what I meant.
MARY
I’ve been here less than half a year.
REAGAN
Uh…how could you have worked thousands of hours then?
MARY
I calculated it. At one hundred hours a week, that already puts me well past two thousand hours.
ADAM
One hundred hours a week?!?!?!
MARY
Gotta do what I gotta do. Three hundred dollars is three hundred dollars.
ADAM
Long hours, but not terrible for a day.
MARY
A week.
HARRY
Three hundred a week? No way.
MARY
Yes Sir.
SAM
That’s less than minimum wage.
MARY
Is it? I never really looked into that.
SAM
What SugarCity is doing to you is illegal.
MARY
What other choice do I have? Everyone else quit. Well, almost everyone else.
MARY points to LORENZO.
MARY
Some of my fellow co-workers remind me of your friend over here. But today, I’m here alone.
SAM
Lorenzo? They have to be better than him. He’d eat the chocolate!
MARY
They do it all the time. I don’t. I have integrity.
ADAM
Why did everyone else quit?
MARY
Why wouldn’t they? The CEO is a conman. I’d quit too if I could.
HARRY
The CEO. You mean Albert?
MARY
Yes, I mean Albert.
HARRY
I KNEW it! I told you all there was something off about him!
LINCOLN
That’s probably not something you should be proud of. Maria, how is he a conman?
MARY
For starters, he makes people false promises. Did you know I was supposed to make twenty dollars per hour when I first started? Never happened. But I just do my job and take whatever money he gives me.
HARRY
So tell me Mary, does he buy elections?
MARY
Oh, I’ve heard of that before actually.
HARRY
Told you all!
MARY
He tells everyone that.
ADAM
Yeah, because he only endorses winners.
MARY
Which is what he tells everyone. He gets them to cozy up with him and as it turns out, only some of them win. From what I’ve heard, he’s been doing it for a while. SugarCity is basically built off people being promised great things from that guy. False promises, of course.
LORENZO
SugarCity owns my restaurant! I can’t believe I left it to them!
MARY
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve encountered some nice people here.
LORENZO
Is Fred among them?
MARY
Actually, yes. It’s Albert you want to watch out for. In fact, I’m not even sure Fred knows what Albert’s up to.
REAGAN
Lorenzo’s Kitchen can not remain in the hands of SugarCity so long as Albert is in charge.
LORENZO
What do we do, then?
HARRY
I say we stage an uprising.
REAGAN
Really, Harry? That seems very involved for you.
HARRY
What, you think I can’t do it?
REAGAN
I know you’re perfectly capable. I just figured you’d want to take the easy way out.
HARRY
I’m thrilled for being right about that guy right now. I’ll do anything to get revenge on him.
MARY
I don’t know, I do want to keep my paycheck…it’s all I have and I have two young children to feed.
HARRY
Mary, trust me. You’ll get a hell of a better deal if Albert is gone. So, who wants to help me plan?
Everyone looks at each other and agrees to help HARRY. MARY shuts down the machinery to talk to the group.
ADAM
Can we at least stay here a little longer?
REAGAN
Why would you want to do that, Mary needs her justice now!
MARY
No, it’s okay, stick around for now. My thirty-hour shift ends in a few minutes. Yeah, that’s right, I started my shift yesterday and worked overnight.
CHASE
How do you not look insanely tired?
MARY
Look at where I work. The sugar keeps me going.
CHASE
Wouldn’t that just lead to sugar crashes?
MARY
I’ll just have more sugar.
LORENZO
Awesome!
MARY
I’m pre-diabetic.
LORENZO
Oh. It sounds good on the surface level though.
MARY
I assume, at least, from what I’ve read online.
HARRY
Talk to your doctor about it! I’m sure you can get some tests done to find out.
MARY
What doctor? Haven’t seen one of those in years.
REAGAN
So you get no health care coverage here, either?
MARY
Nope. And I put my kids’ needs above my own when it comes to health care. I’ve been hoping for a more broad government plan, but damn Congress around here doesn’t get anything done. And we all know it’s not gonna get done at the national level.
LORENZO
Actually, we’re all state representatives. We get a lot done!
MARY
Not enough.
LORENZO
You see, they have this thing called a veto, and—
MADISON
Lorenzo, you’re over-explaining and coming across as rude and sarcastic.
HARRY
Mary, tell me one thing: that mass exodus of representatives that led these guys into Congress, was that done by Albert?
MARY
There was a rumor going around about Albert making up dirt about a bunch of representatives, actually. Wouldn’t surprise me if he did the same to you if you don’t give him everything he wants.
LINCOLN
That jerk. We’re gonna give him nothing.
MADISON
That’s right. As representatives, it’s our job to fight for the hard-working Indianan people, not the millionaires and billionaires who store their money overseas to escape taxes.
SAM
Whoa. You’re sounding super-progressive right now. I thought we weren’t going to side with political parties.
HARRY
Yeah, also I have a rebuttal for everything you just said.
REAGAN
Harry, I would go tell you to busy yourself looking at all the chocolate, but you’re not Lorenzo so I guess that wouldn’t work.
LORENZO
Good idea!
LORENZO walks away and closely monitors the chocolate on the conveyer belts, which was in the process of being made before MARY shut off the machinery.
REAGAN
Lorenzo, let’s go! We’re gonna make change around here, remember?
LORENZO joins the group and they start to walk out of the factory. MARY does not follow at first.
LINCOLN
Aren’t you coming with us, Mary?
MARY
Oh no, I can’t leave my post.
LINCOLN
Says who? That conman Albert and his enablers?
MARY
Well, that’s true. I guess you have a point. But if I get fired, it’s your fault, and I have kids to support.
LINCOLN
Oh, you won’t get fired. Albert will.
The group leaves the factory and walks out into a hallway.
MADISON
So…anyone remember how we got here?
LORENZO
It doesn’t matter how we got here, it just matters how we get out of here.
MADISON
I know that, Lorenzo. That’s why I asked.
LORENZO
Oh. Well that’s too bad, I guess we’ll have to go back into the factory and look at the chocolate again! What a shame.
ADAM
Focus, Lorenzo.
LORENZO
I am focused. On the chocolate.
ADAM
Do you even know what we’re doing here?
LORENZO
Yeah, looking at chocolate.
MARY
This is going nowhere.
HARRY
Tell me about it.
CHASE [pointing to the left]
I think we came in that way. And nobody else seems to have any idea so to the left it is.
CHASE starts walking and everyone follows. They find an elevator.
ADAM
Wow Chase, you got us out of here. Thank you!
CHASE
Oh you’re welcome. I just so happen to have a great memory.
SAM
What did you have for breakfast this morning?
CHASE
Waffles.
SAM [sarcastically]
Oh yeah, great memory.
Everyone enters the elevator and looks for the button for the 32nd floor, where ALBERT’s office is located.
LORENZO
Is it just me or is there no 32 on here?
LINCOLN
For once, it’s not just you.
HARRY
Are any of you really that surprised that it’s tough to get to Albert’s office?
CHASE
He brought us up in an elevator.
HARRY
Yeah. This one goes down. Duh.
ADAM
We have to find an elevator that gets to the 32ndfloor!
MADISON
There was one in the lobby.
ADAM
You know sometimes I feel stupid.
MADISON
For not thinking of things like that? Yeah, I would too.
ADAM
Now where’s the lobby button…
LINCOLN
Try L, G, or 1.
ADAM
Nowhere to be found.
MARY
If I could get a word in…I don’t believe the lobby is accessible from the factory. At least, from the elevator on this floor.
REAGAN
Oh, perfect. So we’re stuck here.
SAM
Mary, just how do you get out of work every day?
MARY
Same way everyone does. I take the stairs.
SAM
Alright, let’s take the stairs down to the lobby. How bad can it be?
MARY
Oh I don’t know where the lobby is. You see, they don’t want factory workers to be seen by anyone entering in the building, whether they be visitors or corporate workers. We have a special exit.
MADISON
Well then, let’s just keep opening doors in the staircase until we find the one that brings us to the lobby.
MARY
There’s only one exit in the staircase.
HARRY
You can’t be serious right now.
MARY
I wish I wasn’t.
CHASE
And you’ve never spoken up about this?
MARY
Why would I? I need money and it doesn’t grow on trees.
REAGAN
Or we could take the elevator to a different floor, and then take another elevator from there.
LORENZO
I’m not really following but anything sounds better than stairs.
REAGAN
Alright, which floor should we press?
CHASE
27.
REAGAN
Why?
CHASE
I don’t know, it’s someone’s lucky number I guess.
SAM
Just press 27.
Everyone goes to the 27th floor in the elevator and exits. They are now surrounded by marble floors and old portraits.
HARRY
This looks fancy.
ADAM
Tell me about it. I feel like I’m in a library.
UNFAMILIAR MAN
SugarCity’s library, that is. This is where we go to study policy. Are you all lost?
LINCOLN
No Sir, we’re simply looking for Albert. Most of us are state representatives. We had a meeting with him but he kind of just left and said he’d be back but we felt awkward waiting in his office without him.
KEVIN
I see…well then, my name’s Kevin. Let me escort you over to Albert, he’d chatting in the library right now.
Everyone follows KEVIN to a small area in the library where ALBERT is meeting with FRED and GREGORY.
ALBERT
Oh! What a surprise! I thought we’d meet again in my office but I guess we’re meeting here…wait a minute.
ALBERT looks to MARY.
ALBERT
You, my dear, are not a representative.
ALBERT looks to KEVIN.
ALBERT
Please show this lady the exit door.
KEVIN grabs MARY’s hand and starts to drag her away. MARY resists the pull.
MARY
I’m not leaving!
GREGORY
Mary, please get back to the factory and finish your shift. That’s a demand.
MARY
My thirty-hour shift finished.
GREGORY
Well in that case then don’t waste my time. The big shots are talking about how to make money for this place.
MARY
I’M how to make money for this place!
ALBERT
What’s that now?
MARY
You heard me! I might just be a factory worker to you, but this place couldn’t run without your factory workers.
ALBERT
Excuse me now?
MADISON
Mary over here also says that you give false promises to candidates in order to benefit SugarCity. What’s up with that Albert?
HARRY
We also think you buy elections.
ALBERT chuckles.
ALBERT
This is ridiculous. What evidence do you have of this?
FRED
Wait a minute. Is THAT what you were getting at earlier when you were saying I should make all those changes to SugarCity’s Kitchen? You know, the menu change, the interior decorations, the staff change, the—
ALBERT
Uh…
ALBERT gets up and starts to walk away. KEVIN lets go of MARY and grabs onto ALBERT.
KEVIN
You have a lot of explaining to do, Albert.
ALBERT
Kevin, you’re not stupid are you?
KEVIN
No, Sir.
ALBERT
Obviously what I do is give them some money to support them. Simple as that. I care about everybody.
MARY
Everybody?
ALBERT
Not another word from you.
LINCOLN
I’m not buying this. Albert, you give out all this money because you care about the community?
ALBERT
Correct.
LINCOLN
Then why are we supposed to be cozying up to you?
ALBERT
Easy. I give you money, you give me favors in return, my profits go up, everybody’s happy.
MARY
Not everybody.
ALBERT
And again, not another word from you.
FRED
I can’t believe this. Our own CEO is trying to influence elections.
ALBERT
If you don’t like it then you’re more than welcome to quit. That goes for all of you suckers.
KEVIN
I’m not quitting.
FRED
Me neither. You are.
ALBERT
No such thing is happening.
FRED
Do you want to go to jail?
ALBERT
No.
FRED
Then quit.
ALBERT
You’re fired. Everyone here who works for me is fired. And all representatives, prepare to get crushed in re-election.
FRED, ALBERT, GREGORY, and KEVIN get into a yelling match. HARRY pulls REAGAN, MADISON, LINCOLN, LORENZO, SAM, CHASE, and ADAM aside.
HARRY
I’m about to come through with moral support.
HARRY looks down on his phone and calls the police.
HARRY
Yeah I’m at the corporate headquarters for SugarShitty—uh, I mean SugarCity and their CEO basically just admitted to being a conman who tries to influence elections.
HARRY hangs up.
HARRY
Alright everyone, I don’t know how long it’ll take them to get here, but we need to stall to keep them all in that room.
LORENZO
I’ll do it!
ADAM
For once, I can’t think of anyone better than Lorenzo to do something.
LORENZO approaches ALBERT. CHASE, SAM, LINCOLN, ADAM, HARRY, MARY, MADISON, REAGAN, GREGORY, KEVIN, and FRED nervously watch.
LORENZO
Hey Albert! My name’s Lorenzo and I like cotton candy. I really like apple-flavored cotton candy. Whether it’s colored red or green, because apple-flavored cotton candy can be colored red or green.
ALBERT stares at LORENZO.
ALBERT
What kind of apple cotton candy do you like the best?
LORENZO
Granny-smith, how about you?
ALBERT
Same! But there are so many different kinds of apples. My favorite is green apple.
LORENZO
I like all those kinds of apple cotton candy, and pair them with pear. See what I did there?
ALBERT
Unfortunately, yes.
LORENZO
Now let me tell you a story about this one time when I was making cherry cotton candy. It was just an ordinary Tuesday when I noticed I was out of cherry cotton candy! So I went back to the kitchen and made more.
ALBERT
Is there more to the story?
LORENZO
Nope.
ALBERT
Well that was a terrible story.
LORENZO
Alright…hey, did you know I play baseball!
ALBERT
Everything you say sounds so random. Are you stalling?
Three police officers break into the room.
OFFICER #1
You’re under arrest.
All officers pause.
OFFICER #2
Wait which one are we arresting again?
HARRY [pointing to ALBERT]
That piece of crap.
OFFICER #3 handcuffs ALBERT and reads his Miranda rights as they drag him out of the room.
ALBERT
No! You have the wrong guy! I’m innocent! I don’t influence elections! I don’t underpay and overwork my employees!
The three officers exit with ALBERT. KEVIN, GREGORY, and FRED high five one another.
FRED
Harry, you saved SugarCity!
REAGAN
And I thought we only brought you along for moral support.
HARRY
I’d like to take credit for everything.
ADAM
Go Harry!
HARRY
But I can’t.
MADISON
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You cracked the code! You figured out something was off about Albert!
GREGORY
Yeah, I worked with him and even I didn’t see it.
KEVIN
Same with me. I feel like an idiot now, but—
FRED
We are idiots.
HARRY
Guys. I can’t take the credit. This is all Mary. I wouldn’t have known for sure that something was off about Albert until Mary said what she said in the factory.
MARY
Thank you Harry, that means a lot.
KEVIN
Now anyways, someone has to replace Albert as CEO.
FRED
I’ve been here the longest.
KEVIN
I’m highest-up, I think.
GREGORY
I’m oldest. Does that count for anything?
HARRY
And Mary’s the reason this position is open in the first place.
LORENZO
Harry’s got a point.
LINCOLN
We can all at least agree that Mary is getting SOME type of promotion, right?
SAM
Yeah, she can’t even afford a doctor.
CHASE
Albert wouldn’t even pay Mary minimum wage.
MADISON
Also the thirty-hour shift thing needs to stop.
LORENZO
How about Mary picks the CEO and what her job and benefits should be?
GREGORY
That seems fair enough to me.
MARY
I want Fred to be CEO. And I want a health care plan, a job that pays minimum wage or slightly higher, and a shift that ends after ten hours. I want that for all us factory workers. Deal?
FRED
Alright. Deal.
KEVIN
Fred, what if this puts SugarCity out of business?
FRED
If paying our workers minimum wage or slightly higher puts us out of business then I don’t know what we’re doing in business.
GREGORY
We might have to lay some people off though.
HARRY
I hear SugarCity’s Kitchen’s wait staff could use some help.
MADISON
Harry, you ARE SugarCity’s Kitchen’s wait staff.
HARRY
Exactly. Also, notice how I call it SugarCity’s Kitchen now?
FRED
Sounds good to me. Pay raises for the factory workers, and if it somehow threatens to put us out of business then we move some of them over to SugarCity’s Kitchen.
KEVIN
But then they’d still be SugarCity employees. That wouldn’t do anything.
MARY
So what you’re saying is you can’t afford to keep everyone around and pay them a real wage.
KEVIN
Probably.
REAGAN
Wait a second…how much did Albert make as CEO?
GREGORY
I don’t know but he constantly bragged about being a multi-millionaire.
ADAM
Would even a small pay cut for the CEO lead to better pay for the factory workers?
KEVIN
Most of that is stock money. He has a very small base salary.
LINCOLN
Make it even smaller.
KEVIN
His base salary is minimum wage.
FRED
My current one isn’t.
GREGORY
What is it?
FRED
A hell of a lot more than that.
KEVIN
Mind saying how much?
FRED
Three million a year before stock.
REAGAN
WHAT!
FRED
And I see what Mary over here did…I can take a pay cut. Or at least, take a pay cut and buy some more stock.
MARY
Really? You’d do that?
FRED
My factory workers deserve a pay raise, and nobody deserves to lose their jobs. We can make this work.
LINCOLN
Oh by the way everyone, I just looked at my phone and Albert getting arrested made the local news.
KEVIN
Really?! What are they saying in the comments?
LINCOLN
Nothing. Nothing at all.
Everyone laughs.
CHASE
Well I’d say this was a productive day.
REAGAN
Even though it probably didn’t help our re-election chances one bit.
FRED
I’m sure the CEO of SugarCity can put in a good word for you.
MARY
Yeah, and the factory workers love you.
LORENZO
Plus, I got to see how chocolate is made!
FRED
I’ll have to grow into my new role as CEO, but I’m sure I’ll be no worse at it than a guy who got arrested.
ADAM
Hopefully not. I don’t take endorsements from criminals.
LORENZO
So…you DON’T want my endorsement?
ADAM
You were acquitted for stealing that cotton candy machine and we’ll see about wanting that endorsement.
KEVIN
In seriousness though, you guys do have some work to do when Congress is back in session.
GREGORY
Yeah, especially that Affordable Lorenzo Act.
LORENZO
Affordable Chair Act.
CHASE
Nope. LorenzoChair.
MADISON
Let’s save the arguing over what we want to call that disaster for later.
SAM
Yeah, for now, let’s just celebrate how much wasn’t screwed up today.
ADAM
Yeah, that could’ve gone terribly wrong.
MARY
But it didn’t! Thanks everyone.
LORENZO
Glad to help. And if you ever want to send some chocolate my way…please do.
REAGAN
We really should get going now and let you sort out your new role, Fred.
FRED
Thanks for all your help.
REAGAN, ADAM, SAM, CHASE, LINCOLN, MADISON, LORENZO, and HARRY all exit SugarCity’s library and enter the elevator.
REAGAN
Everyone, good day. Everyone except Harry, we have some work to do for our constituents.
ADAM
And we also have to remember to do this for the greater good. Not for re-election.
MADISON
Don’t fool yourself Adam, this is for the greater good AND for re-election.
ADAM
Yeah, you’re right. See you all later?
LORENZO
That’s not a question.