As predicted, NBC was awash in another bloodbath this season and the lake ran red with blood on this Friday. The ever-annoying State of Affairs took an axe to the face, and the comment section cheered. In a move also predicted, the programming executives Shish Kabobed sitcoms One Big Happy, About a Boy and Marry me like Jason Voorhees serving up a dinner of annoying characters. Like a trite and boiler plated Friday the 13th sequel, the 2014-15 season served up the usual formula.
Could you just see this overdone horror film plot? The smart vacationers -- Grimm, Chicago Fire, Chicago PD, Law and Order: SVU and the Blacklist -- took the advice of highly rated The Voice and NBC Sports and avoided the doomed 1.0 average lake and campground, camping elsewhere with working phones and cars. And their premature seasonal renewal was their reward. The others avoided the warnings of joining an NBC production and partied by the lake, becoming prime targets for a programming serial/sitcom killer. I'll save to mention Parenthood and Parks and Recreation falling into this category, as both were critically lauded and have six seasons to show for it.
But the rest of the naughty campers/low-rated shows suffered grisly fates. First to go were the ever-irritating Bad Judge and A to Z, who partied too close to the low-rated NBC lake, thinking they were safe as NBC has always touted sitcoms on Thursdays. Too bad when the two inept sitcoms went skinny dipping in low rated waters, the NBC killer dragged them under, leaving their corpses of burnoff shows strewn across the campground / schedule. Constantine didn't heed the warnings of finding the blood from the fallen sitcom on the docks, and the fans let out a scream when the low-rated Friday show disappeared without an episode increase.
While these three were dispatched, the low-rated NBC shows partied in the doomed and low-rated campgrounds. "I'm right on par with NBC's scripted average and I have Will and Grace sensation Debra Messing as my marquee star." arrogantly gloated Mysteries of Laura. "NBC announced I'M THE SECOND HIGHEST RATED DRAMA and I HAVE KATHERINE HEIGL AS MY STAR." arrogantly gloated. Too bad this princess didn't realize her ratings weren't worth smoo hemorrhaging that much of the Voice's lead-in.
State of Affairs stepped into the campground's low-rated outhouse next to the highly rated Voice, and was last seen screaming/leaving the air in February as a shadowy axe fell on a 1.0 rating without the Voice. It served State of Affairs right for exposing the camera bare-rated with a 0.7 demo on January 12. As the low-rated season dragged on, several annoying campers came and went. The NBC killer found an idiotic show trying to slap the low-rated lake with even lower ratings. Rather than killing the show with a jagged object, the NBC killer just let this atrocious miniseries slap itself to death and disappear into the sub-1 low-rated lake. Next dispensed was Allegience, which the NBC killer cut up with little effort due to five low rated episodes. The remaining shows noticed NBC's airwaves beginning to quiet down after the superbowl, and some shows came to their senses.
"Should we call a network with decent ratings for help?" Asked the Night Shift. "Should we take off and find NBC's renewed shows so we may live?" Asked Undatable. "Maybe we should pray to our savior for better ratings." observed AD. "Nah, we're all safe." naively stated About a Boy. "Besides, they can't kill all of the sitcoms off. It's NBC after all. Ratings below a 1.0 are gold here." Little did they know the killer lurked in the next cabin. In one fell swoop, the killer impaled a turkey of sitcoms -- About a Boy, Marry Me and One Big Happy -- with a pitchfork. The killer tried to tack Undatable onto the pitchfork, but they had the sense to stay above the 1.0 mark and run. "It's the programming killer! RUN!!!" Screamed Night Shift. The survivors ran, and all made good and bad decisions.
Spotting a running car and a paved road, The Night Shift tried to steer the remaining survivors away from the show killer. "No, the low rated and live-filming woods are safe for weak shows like us!" Said U ndatable. "The programming killer cannot use the ladies room, so I'll hide in the 1.0 outhouse!" Foolishly declared Mysteries of Laura, only to discover State of Affairs took an axe to the face of the bad show. Then she found Constantine, which fell on a Friday spear. MOL foolishly joined Undatable in the woods, as the killer hunted the two shows mercilessly through countless chase scenes, until the two shows managed to find the renewed shows. They thought they reached safety, but the NBC Serial and Sitcom Killer retreated into the low-rated campground, eagerly awaiting their return during the 2015-16 season.
Will Mysteries of Laura, Night Shift and Undatable wisely avoid hanging out with the new series in the doomed campground next season? Very likely so, and they w ill be returning for the NBC the 13th Part 3 sequel next year. Who among their new neighbors will avoid the cursed 1.0 waters of the low-rated lake, and who will be the first caught and killed skinny dipping at the 0.6 rating depth? It will likely be another bloodbath at NBC next year, which can overlook that blood-red lake of low rated scripted series to gloat on sports and the Voice. Till next season, and chime the cheesy horror film closing score....