Claude walks into the sitting room at Buckingham Palace.
Claude: I know you’ll all be shocked to hear this, but I can’t reach Olivia.
Meredith: Your Majesty, I feel as if I was not the intended recipient of that message. Are you in the wrong room or did you forget we had an audience today?
Claude: Oh, goodness! I am so sorry to concern you with family matters, Madam Prime Minister.
Meredith: It’s not a problem at all, I love Steve Urkel.
Claude: Excuse me?
Meredith: There’s an American sitcom called Family Matters, Steve Urkel is the most memorable part of it. I shouldn’t have expected royalty to be in the know about 1990s US sitcoms.
Claude: I met the cast of Cheers once. The British guy was really nice.
Meredith: Oh, Kelsey Grammer’s not British, he just talks like that.
Claude: I was referring to someone else, but I didn’t really intend for this to become a big point of discussion for us. This has not been a very productive audience. Can we reschedule?
Meredith: That’s fine, but I would also be happy to sit in with the family and advise on your familial issues if you want!
Claude: That won’t be necessary.
Meredith: Then I’d better go, maybe I can still get yelled at by Parliament a bit if I hurry up and catch them before their recess.
Claude: Do they yell at you that much?
Meredith: It’s all they ever do.
Claude: Well… good luck with that. I’ll be seeing you.
Meredith: Not if Parliament get their way!
Claude walks into the living room.
Claude: Is this the room you’re all in?
Eleanor: Why, were you unable to find us? It’s not like it’s a large home or anything.
Claude: I’ve been here my whole life, I’ve been the palace’s primary owner for two years now, and I still can’t get a hang of the layout. In fact, I feel like I discover a new room every week.
Nathan: It’s a great place to be if you want to hide away for a while. For example, Alicia and I have been staying here for five weeks while they’re fixing up our place and I don’t think anyone’s even noticed.
Christine: We’ve noticed, dear. The walls are thinner than people think.
Alicia: Well, that’s embarrassing.
Christine: Every night, I hear screaming and yelling from your room. Do you get along at all?
Ethan: I’m sorry, I can’t help but laugh?
Christine: Are my son’s marital issues funny to you?
Ethan: No, you not realizing what’s going here is what’s funny to me.
Christine: And what would that be?
Ethan: Oh… nothing.
Alicia: Please, let’s move on. To any other topic besides my sex life.
Christine: Your sex life? Oh, dear heavens. I didn’t even think of that.
Alicia: I am begging!
Mandy: I’ve heard you saying that through the walls, too.
Alicia: I think I should leave.
Arthur: No, don’t! This is a much more interesting conversation than we’re used to!
Claude: It’s okay, Alicia. At least they never walked in on you!
Arthur: It wasn’t “them” walking in on us, it was my gran!
Eleanor: I’d just brushed that from my memory, so glad to be reminded of it!
Claude: No more talking about sex, this is a family discussion!
Eleanor: Don’t have to tell me twice.
Alicia: It was starting to feel like an episode of Sex and the City in here.
Arthur: You Americans and your weird TV shows!
Claude: Everyone, I don’t mean this in a nasty way, but shut up!
Ethan: Wow, that was uncalled for.
Eleanor: Really, son. You have to be a bit more tactful than that, you’re the leader of the country for goodness sake!
Claude: Today is not my day.
Christine: I’ll say! The riffraff completely overpowered you, you’ve lost complete control of the situation.
Claude: I can’t believe my accidental meeting with our dumb prime minister was the most pleasant interaction I’ve had all day.
Eleanor: Oh, about that! Does she just randomly show up here now? I find that concerning.
Claude: I think she’s under the impression that our audiences are to take place every week at the same time. I know that’s tradition, but I don’t always have time for her nonsense, I squeeze her in whenever I get the chance.
Arthur: Sounds like that’s the approach Nathan and Alicia have taken, as well!
Nathan: Would you stop making my wife uncomfortable?
Arthur: I’m sorry, I just find the discussion hilarious!
Alicia: I find it less so.
Claude: Everyone! I am unable to reach Olivia. I’m getting concerned!
Ethan: It’s a Sunday, maybe she’s just relaxing like the rest of us? In fact, why isn’t she here with us? Did you not invite her to come and spend the day here with us?
Claude: I invited her, she said she had some engagements to attend but would see if she could drop in.
Arthur: That sounds like a polite way of declining.
Selina: And thank God for that!
Alicia: Do you say the same when I’m not around?
Selina: There you go, making everything all about you. How are you and Olivia not closer?
Claude: Is no one concerned that I can’t reach Olivia? The Queen’s daughter is missing and no one cares?
Christine: We don’t have a daughter.
Eleanor: Have you called Midge? She’d know what’s going on.
Claude: Midge is out sick with the flu.
Claire: In August? That’s unlucky.
Claude: Having to walk home in the rain a few weeks ago because a few lunatics abandoned her certainly didn’t help her health any.
Eleanor: I have no idea to what you are referring. Also, don’t call your mother a lunatic.
Claude: I apologize, but it was a looney thing to do, you must admit.
Eleanor: If I had done it, and I did not, then it wouldn’t have been my finest moment.
Claude: Moving on… does anyone have any idea on how to contact Olivia?
Arthur: Have you tried calling her?
Claude: Have I tried calling her? Course I have! It was my first move!
Claire: What about calling Fred or Gigi?
Claude: Called them, and Todd. They don’t know where she is, either. I told them to call me if they reach her, but obviously they have not, as they wouldn’t disobey the King’s order like that. I’m completely lost on where she could be.
Ethan: Have you considered that her phone simply died?
Claude: It’s noon, how could her phone already be dead?
Ethan: She may have forgotten to charge it last night, who knows? I see no need to panic just yet. Certainly don’t call in the media and declare her missing.
Claude: That would be silly, everyone would be brining their grandmothers to us and passing them off as Olivia as if she were the Grand Duchess Anastasia.
Ethan: I… I don’t think that would happen, but we don’t need a circus. Give her time, she’ll go home and call you from there once Fred tells you that you want to speak.
Eleanor: If it calms your nerves, I’m not even worried about her, and I’m her mother. She is off doing her own thing and isn’t concerned about us. She’s a hard worker.
Arthur: Could we play Go Fish now?
Nathan: Are there not too many of us?
Arthur: What other game could we all play together?
Nathan: We could just sit and talk?
Arthur: And listen to father panic that auntie Olivia is dead because she hasn’t called in a few hours?
Claire: How about we watch a movie?
Eleanor: Notting Hill!
Claire: You like Hugh Grant?
Eleanor: As embarrassed as I am to say, I love the movie for that Yank, Julia Roberts.
Arthur: Gran is a traitor!
Eleanor: You watch your step!
Three hours later…
Ethan: My god, it’s a ghost!
Olivia: Huh?
Claude: Olivia! Why haven’t you called?
Olivia: Huh?
Christine: Oh no, she’s turned into a broken record!
Olivia: Huh?
Claude: Livie! Say anything else!
Olivia: Huh? Kidding! What is going on?
Claude: I couldn’t reach you, I was worried.
Olivia: Aww, that’s actually sort of sweet. Confusing, though. It’s not like we’re ever in constant contact during the day, why were you so worried today?
Claude: I told you to call if you wanted to stop in to spend the day with the family. I was calling to get word on if you were coming.
Olivia: Oh, right. I completely forgot about that. I just stopped in because I was in the area.
Ethan: See, she’s not dead! We can move on!
Olivia: Am I already old news?
Christine: I don’t think any of us were particularly concerned about this, to be honest. Besides your brother, of course.
Olivia: Touching, really.
Claire: It’s not that we wouldn’t be concerned iff you were really missing -
Selina: Speak for yourself.
Claire: We just knew that you were fine. Not calling in a few hours is not concerning when it comes to you. I expect to not hear back from you for several hours or even days when I try to contact you.
Olivia: It’s the way life should be.
Ethan: I think that’s the slogan of the US state of Maine.
Olivia: It was my life’s motto first. Spend your life with those you love, not with technology. That’s how life should be.
Claude: Could I see your phone? I could charge it for you so you at least have some battery for when you drive home.
Olivia: I don’t think you’ll have a compatible charger. I don’t think they make a compatible charger anymore.
Claude: What kind of phone do you have?
Olivia: Is that so important?
Claude: The longer you stall, the more concerned I grow.
Olivia: It’s a flip phone.
Claire: I need to sit down for a moment.
Nathan: You were already sitting before you just stood up.
Claire: It’s called dramatic effect, Nathan. Your wife was an actress, ask her about it.
Eleanor: Olivia, even I’ve got a smartphone. I’m ninety-three.
Olivia: There’s nothing wrong with sticking to tradition. My phone may be old, but it’s reliable!
Claude: It died on you today! Probably on other days, too!
Olivia: Look at it! It’s in perfect shape!
Ethan: And if this were 1998, it would be top-of-the-line.
Claire: I didn’t know those things even worked anymore.
Claude: It doesn’t! You can’t even reach her because it dies on her!
Olivia: Why does this bother you so much?
Claude: You’re a very important person, you need to have the ability to contact people if need be.
Olivia: The only way to do that is what, with a smartphone?
Claude: It’s a good way to ensure, it yes.
Olivia: I hate those things! They’re just small computers! I only need it to call people!
Claude: Don’t be such a Luddite!
Olivia: I’m not a Luddite! I just prefer simpler technology to this new, complicated junk.
Claude: That is the very definition of a Luddite.
Ethan: As she said, even Mother has an iPhone. Hell, even Mandy does!
Mandy: Even Mandy does what?
Ethan: Ignore her.
Mandy: Okay, will do!
Claire: Is it safe to just let her wander around?
Claude: She’s fine. She really only acts this way around company, I think you all overwhelm her. But back to Olivia being a Luddite.
Olivia: Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me!
Christine: Dearest, you’re clearly not winning an argument with the most stubborn woman in the world.
Olivia: I’m glad someone recognizes the fact!
Christine: I wasn’t taking your side, don’t get too excited. Your phone can barely even be called a phone.
Olivia: She’s very reliable.
Arthur: She?
Olivia: My phone is named Diane.
Arthur: Oh no, aunt Olivia is losing it.
Olivia: We’ve been through a lot together, more than I went through with any of you during the 2000 and 2010 decades.
Claire: Oh, my god, it really isn twenty years old?
Ethan: I wasn’t joking about 1998. I remember when she bought that thing.
Olivia: And it will remain mine for the foreseeable future. Now, can we discuss something besides my phone?
Eleanor: What if we play hide-and-seek?
Olivia: Are we twelve? Don’t families just talk anymore?
Eleanor: It’s the only game I know that all of us could play together!
Claude: I think we’ll just talk. Perhaps we could even drink some wine, lord knows I need some.
Three days later…
Olivia: Fred! You’re a lifesaver!
Fred: What happened here?
Olivia: I suffered a minor flat tire that made it impossible to operate the vehicle.
Fred: And where is the car?
Olivia: Oh… about… five miles down the road?
Fred: Olivia! Why is it there?
Olivia: That’s where the flat occurred. I walked here to this pub, where I borrowed the phone of a starstruck waitress who then served me a pint on the house.
Fred: So you are the one who called the house earlier! I thought that was a drunkard doing an impression! Why didn’t you use your phone?
Olivia: It died.
Fred: You need a new phone!
Olivia: No! I’ve loved that phone longer than I’ve loved you!
Gigi: Are you not even going to acknowledge me? I’m the one that got him to come pick you up! He ignored your call, I answered because I’d know the drunken screaming of my mother anywhere!
Fred: Yes, she was quick to call me and tell me to get my “ass moving,” because “we have a mother to save.” She was very convincing.
Olivia: Thank you so much, I appreciate it. I had no interest in walking home.
Gigi: Just remember, I’ve always got your back!
Fred: So, we have to go change a tire now?
Gigi: What’s the matter, don’t know how?
Fred: It’s not my favorite thing to do.
Gigi: I got you. I’m very good with cars!
Olivia: Are you?
Gigi: We’ll find out!
Olivia: The car has been mine even longer than the phone has been, don’t ruin it!
Gigi: Maybe we should find a mechanic in this little town. Preferably quickly, this town frightens me a bit.
Olivia: They’re very nice, there’s no need to be scared.
Gigi: Or are they just lulling you into a false sense of security?
Fred: There’s a mechanic across the street.
Gigi: And you didn’t notice that while you waited for us?
Fred: Give her a break, I’m sure she’s exhausted from walking.
Gigi: Well, that and she was also busy drinking.
Olivia: When in Rome!
Gigi: This is so far from Rome, it isn’t even funny.
The next day, at Buckingham Palace…
Olivia: Mum, is Claude in?
Eleanor: Oh, he’s in a meeting with the Prime Minister right now, he should be d-
Olivia: Good to hear he’s not doing anything important. I must see him straight away!
Olivia walks into the sitting room.
Meredith: Your Royal Highness! Lovely to see you as always!
Olivia: Scram!
Claude: We were just in the middle of a -
Meredith: No, this is more important.
Claude: You don’t even know what this is about.
Meredith: Whatever it is, it’s more important.
Olivia: I finally agree that I need a new phone
Meredith: See, I knew it. You can advise me on foreign relations with China some other time! See you around!
Meredith walks out.
Olivia: I am deeply concerned that she is the head of our government.
Claude: I… am probably going to have to fire her soon.
Olivia: That would be wise.
Claude: About that phone, though! You’re really ready?
Olivia: I got a flat tire yesterday, I had to walk miles just to call Fred for help. I’m not going through that again. The bunions are -
Claude: Don’t need to know about those! I have good news, though, I already bought you a phone.
Olivia: Of course you did.
Claude: They usually require the phone owner to consent before they upload their data to it, but I’m the King, so I get special treatment. All your contacts are uploaded already, it is ready to use immediately.
Olivia: Well, this is awkward… I already decided which one I want, it’s not that one.
Claude: You haven’t even seen it!
Olivia: I stopped at the phone store earlier, they had to special order it, but it’ll be in later today!
Claude: I’m glad to see you taking initiative, at least.
Olivia: There’s a picture of it on my receipt, look at that! Isn’t it grand?
Claude: It’s a flip phone.
Olivia: A smartphone flip phone. Such an innovative little machine!
Claude: You live to push my buttons.
Olivia: And I do it flawlessly!
Claude: I’m just glad I’ll be able to reach you from now on, even if it’s on that gaudy thing.
Olivia: Are you upset I don’t want your fancy iPhone?
Claude: No, I’m not upset. At least it’ll be easier for you to transfer your information from that phone to your new one than if you transferred from that previous abomination you owned.
Olivia: That’s the spirit!
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the next episode next week!
