Olivia is at home when her phone rings.
Fred: Do not!
Olivia: Do not what?
Fred: You’re reaching for it. Do not do it. Let it ring.
Olivia: He’ll be mad if I do that.
Fred: Who is he? Why will he be mad?
Olivia: You know who!
Fred: Claude is your brother, not your supreme leader.
Olivia: He is the literal King, he is most certainly our supreme leader.
Fred: You’re a grown woman, you’re allowed to not answer a call from your brother. You don’t even know it’s from him, actually.
Olivia: The phone says it is.
Fred: This is our night to be alone together, why ruin it by bringing Claude into the mix?
Olivia: He’s a very busy man, he won’t stay on long. Then, we’ll go back to whatever it was we were doing.
Fred: We were eating dinner and talking about our day.
Olivia: How thrilling. Wouldn’t want to get dragged away from that.
Fred: Don’t get testy!
Olivia: Well, now I have to call him back since this tomfoolery went on so long, the phone stopped ringing.
Fred: Oh, look, that’s him again.
Olivia: I’m answering!
Fred: You do that!
Olivia answers the phone.
Olivia: Dearest brother, how are you?
Claude: Are you okay?
Olivia: Why would I not be?
Claude: You sound happy to be speaking to me.
Olivia: When am I ever unhappy to speak with my favorite older brother?
Claude: Always. Also, I am your only older brother.
Olivia: Don’t sell yourself short.
Claude: I have a favor to ask of you.
Olivia: Whatever it is, I’ll be more than happy to help you out with it. It’s what family does!
Claude: I know you’re a people person -
Christine: Is she?
Claude: Oh, Christine, don’t!
Arthur: I think it was a fair question.
Olivia: Is the whole family there? Did I miss a meeting?
Claude; No, Arthur and Claire are just over for dinner. Something came up that prompted me to call you, it’s nothing major.
Olivia: I promise, I’m going to return that necklace Claire lent me.
Claire: No, you look good in it, keep it! Consider it a birthday present for all those years I missed.
Olivia: You didn’t know me.
Claire: Doesn’t matter, still feel bad about it. Mainly because I know what His Majesty’s about to ask you.
Olivia: I’ve already agreed, I can’t back out now. That’s what Trayman would do.
Meredith: Hey, I’m right here!
Olivia: You said it was a small dinner with Arthur and Claire!
Claude: I was having an audience with the Prime Minister, it ran long, so I invited her to join us for dinner.
Olivia: Would you take me off of speaker, please?
Meredith: What? Why? We were having a fun chat!
Olivia: We were not!
Claude: She can’t hear you, you’re already off.
Olivia: What would ever possess you to have dinner with that woman?
Claude: She’s lonely, Olivia. She needs someone to keep her company, I felt that it was my turn to do so.
Olivia: I’m sure hearing the King say that about her won’t make her feel any worse.
Claude: I’m going to say something I never do: you have a point.
Olivia: I always do, it’ just that sometimes, I’m such a visionary, no one else is able to understand my highly intellectual argument.
Claude: May I ask you the question I called you to ask?
Olivia: That depends, are there any more acquaintances you haven’t told me are visiting who might interrupt?
Claude: No, I think they’ve all butt in already.
Eleanor: Are you almost done, dear? I wanted to play a game before dessert!
Claude: Oh, yeah, I forgot about her.
Olivia: She doesn’t count, just ignore her.
Claude: I suppose you’re right, she’s easy to ignore.
Eleanor: What?
Claude: As I said, this is an odd request. However, it’s important. The gardens at Windsor are a mess, and they need a redesign. Christine and I agreed that it needed to be done by someone with a familial connection, to ensure it’s done with care. Mother volunteered, but she is too old to be out there working in the gardens herself.
Olivia: I promised you I’d honor your request, so I can’t back you. However, I have to ask why Claire’s not up to the task.
Claude: Claire, you know, she’s juggling motherhood and she’s a very busy member of the family, and she also kills any plant she touches.
Olivia: You’re certain that I don’t?
Claude: Whatever you do to them, it can’t be worse than Claire.
Claire: I’m right here!
Arthur: I don’t think it’s much of a secret, honey.
Claire: I could take proper care of them if I had the time, the kids take up all my energy.
Christine: We’re just glad it’s the plants that you can’t keep alive and not the children.
Olivia: What’s my deadline on this project? Just so I know how many charities I’ll have to neglect in the coming weeks to get the garden for our second home in pristine condition.
Claude: You get it done on your own time. We understand you have more important obligations, all that matters here is that you put your heart into it and give it a timely overhaul. Be reasonable about it is all.
Olivia: I’ll try to put my whole heart into it, I want this to be as nice as possible for all of us.
Claude: That’s great to hear! Thank you for being so understanding about this, I know what an undertaking it is.
Olivia: Well, everyone knows how much I love helping my family. It’s no bother whatsoever!
Olivia hangs up.
Olivia: You were right. You were so right.
Fred: I don’t even want to hear it.
Olivia: Don’t be like that! I need a shoulder to cry on!
Fred: I’m sure one of the horses would be happy to help. I am only in the mood to say “I told you so!”
Olivia: I have to redesign a garden. A garden!
Fred: He ordered you to redesign a garden?
Olivia: Well, not exactly. He said he had a favor to ask, I agreed to do it before he said what it was. I obviously can’t back out of it now, but I also have no interest in becoming the royal gardener.
Fred: Since when do members of the family do the gardening? Don’t you have people for that?
Olivia: He wants it to have a personal touch.
Fred: I guess there is a charm in not having everything handed to you.
Olivia: I do most things around this house, so I would agree. The notable exception to that being -
Fred: You’re not a gardener.
Olivia: I am capable of being one, I just don’t like it one bit.
Fred: Of course. You can do anything you put your mind to. For example, you can table this discussion and we can go back to our romantic dinner without thinking about your family or their garden.
Olivia: Oh, Fred! Don’t be so selfish! Let your wife blow off a bit of steam!
Fred: You were on the phone talking to Claude about this garden for twenty minutes, how can you possibly have any more to say about it?
Olivia: It was five minutes, ten at most, and most of that time was spent listening to Claude converse with his guests. Seemingly the entire country was at the palace tonight besides us.
Fred: We don’t need a fancy palace invite, we have four seasons of Breaking Bad to watch on the Netflix.
Olivia: You have a one-track mind.
Fred: That isn’t true, I’d also like to have sex later.
Olivia: Dream on, buddy. I have roses to research.
Fred: Every rose has its thorn.
The next day, Olivia gets a call from Gigi.
Gigi: Mother! I got a call from Midge saying you didn’t show ups for today’s appearance at the Norfolk Children’s Hospital.
Olivia: Oh my god, what time is it?
Gigi: Half past noon.
Olivia: It is not!
Gigi: It is.
Olivia: I refuse to believe that.
Gigi: What is going on with you?
Olivia: I’ve not slept.
Gigi: How long did sleep last night?
Olivia: Again, I’ve not slept.
Gigi: You stayed awake through the night?
Olivia: Perhaps.
Gigi: Why? Was Fred snoring or something?
Olivia: I’ve been researching flowers.
Gigi: Excuse me?
Olivia: I’ve been asked to remodel the garden at Windsor.
Gigi: Interesting choice. I didn’t realize you took gardening so seriously.
Olivia: I don’t! This was thrown into my lap and I don’t want to disappoint the family.
Gigi: Good thing you’ve got me!
Olivia: That’s right, you do like to garden, don’t you?
Gigi: I love it! Sundays are best spent on your knees -
Olivia: Don’t say it that way.
Gigi: by yourself, in the garden, enjoying the beauty of nature.
Olivia: Is it “nature" if you bought it at a store and planted it somewhere it was never meant to be?
Gigi: Don’t be so critical. The point is, there’s something so satisfying about beautifying your home with a gorgeous garden. It’s a time for contemplation and it’s pretty fun. Not to mention, it makes you look good in front of the neighbors.
Olivia: It’s not so fun when it’s your first attempt and you have to make sure it’s perfect for the world to see. Which brings me to my question: you’re a gardener, should I stick with roses, or shake it up? I was thinking maybe some gardenias, perhaps with a bit of lilac?
Gigi: Would you like me to help you?
Olivia: That would be great!
Gigi: Go in, lie down, and sleep. That’s the help you need right now.
Olivia: I thought you were offering to help with the garden!
Gigi: I’ll help with that, too, but right now, you need rest. In fact, why hasn’t Fred told you as much?
Olivia: I told him I slept on the couch and woke up. He was in a hurry to get to breakfast with an old friend of his that he didn’t even notice the bags under my eyes that made me look like a raccoon.
Gigi: You need to sleep immediately. The flowers can wait, we’ll talk about them tomorrow.
Olivia: What about the hospital? Midge is waiting for me there!
Gigi: I’ll tell her you fell ill. It’s technically true, even though your illness is a mental one.
Olivia: Hey! I’m not crazy!
Gigi: No one said you were. Except for me. Get sleep.
Olivia: Stop saying it! I’m off to bed now.
Gigi: Goodnight mother, have sweet dreams of roses and calla lilies.
Olivia: Don’t say those words.
The next day, at Windsor…
Olivia: Thank you for coming on such short notice. Claude said there’s no rush, but I want to show him that he put this project in the right hands.
Gigi: He didn’t, though.
Olivia: He doesn’t know that!
Gigi: All we’re doing today is getting an idea of the layout of the garden to see how many flowers we need and what we think would look right in here. This is the easy part.
Olivia: Is it?
Gigi: Wait until the hard labor of planting the flowers once we pick them out!
Olivia: I don’t like the sound of that.
Gigi: Then you should have told uncle Claude you didn’t want to do this!
Olivia: I was stupid! It was a mistake, I was too prideful.
Gigi: You’re really so ignorant about gardening that you have absolutely no idea of what you want to do this this space?
Olivia: Honey, I tell the landscapers to just put in whatever looks nice. It always does. I don’t do any of that myself.
Gigi: You sound entitled.
Olivia: I am! My mum was the Queen, I don’t garden!
Gigi: A-ha! You think you’re above the task!
Olivia: No, I just think it’s foreign to me and I’ll screw it up.
Gigi: That’s why you have an expert.
Olivia: Martha Stewart is here?
Gigi: Me!
Olivia: I wouldn’t call you an expert, per se…
Gigi: I was good enough to call and ask for help, let me have this.
Olivia: If you’re an expert, I think you can handle this on your own. It would be a tremendous help.
Gigi: You want me to do your assignment for you?
Olivia: You do always say you wish the family involved you in more. Here’s your chance!
Gigi: I do love to garden.
Olivia: See! It’s mutually beneficial!
Gigi: I will redesign your garden for you.
Olivia: Our garden. The nation’s.
Gigi: Well, the favor is for you. Screw the nation, they voted Warren off fourth on Strictly.
Olivia: Are you still bitter about that?
Gigi: Yes, and I will be until the day I die.
Olivia: Use that fiery passion to put towards your work here. I’ll call Midge up and tell her my schedule’s cleared up.
Gigi: Nuh-uh. I may be charge of this redesign, but you’re at least staying here as a second opinion today. I can be very indecisive when it comes to flowers.
Olivia: Have I done something to upset you?
Gigi: Many things, but nothing in particular sticks out right now. I just need my mum’s advice, as I consider it valuable.
Olivia: Well, there’s your mistake.
Gigi: Come on, it’ll be. Fun day, we can really bond.
Olivia: We bond a lot so as it is, no? I just had a mother-daughter bonding experience last week with my own mum, I don’t need a retread.
Gigi: Are you afraid of flowers or something?
Olivia: Honestly, after I spent about twenty hours straight researching them yesterday, a bit.
Gigi: Don’t worry, I’ll protect you from them.
Olivia: You mean it?
Gigi: Uh… sure.
The next week…
Claude: Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished family, I have asked you all here to Windsor today for a very important reason.
Ethan: Can’t be too important, he invited Trayman.
Meredith: I’m family!
Olivia: You are not.
Meredith: Almost! By marriage!
Todd: Who said that?
Olivia: Notice how your daughter isn’t here, Trayman? I think that shows just how close you really are to being family.
Todd: You know, I do lov-
Gigi: Hush!
Todd: No one ever wants to hear what good ole’ Todd has to say.
Gigi: Exactly. Quiet.
Claude: We’re all here because -
Arthur: Is this about the flower thing? I told you, I don’t really care that much about the fl-
Claire hits Arthur with her elbow.
Arthur: What was that for?
Claire: Heed Gigi’s words to Todd.
Claude: My son was indeed correct in his assumption, though he put it so rudely. Over the last few weeks, Olivia has tirelessly worked to overhaul the outdated Windsor gardens, which have been horribly neglected in recent years.
Eleanor: That feels like a dig. Is that a dig?
Claude: It is not a dig.
Ethan: Don’t listen to him! Hit him!
Claude: I am surrounded by children.
Meredith: Not I!
Olivia: Yeah, you’re not smart enough to be considered a child, you’re about on the level of a gestating fetus.
Claude: Not sure why I’d expect otherwise, but this is taking a turn, so I better show you all to the gardens before a fight breaks out. Follow me.
Ethan: We’re aware of where the gardens are, you don’t have to turn yourself into a tour guide.
Claude: Everyone’s a comedian today, what’s up with that?
Ethan: We’re all just so anxious waiting for the unveiling of the Secret Garden, we have to joke to cope.
Olivia: Yeah, Claude, it’s not that great, let’s hurry up and get this over with.
Gigi: I think you’re underselling it, you did a beautiful job!
Olivia: I don’t want to get anyone’s expectations up too high, I’ll let them enjoy it for what it is.
Eleanor: How did you see it, Genevieve? You don’t live anywhere near here and Claude’s not let any of us sneak a peak today!
Gigi: Oh, mum texted me a picture when she was done with it.
Ethan: On her flip phone?
Todd: Yeah, mum doesn’t know how to text pictures! Or how to text at all!
Olivia: I’ll text when I’m dead!
Fred: Don’t think that’s how the phrase goes, my love.
Olivia: Oh my god, stop the interrogation! You already know it so I’ll just admit it, I asked Gigi to do the renovations for me! I don’t garden! I don’t even know what an iris is!
Meredith: Part of your eye, no?
Ethan: Technically not wrong.
Eleanor: Dear, I don’t think any of us thought that.
Christine: I didn’t, but I should’ve known she would cheat!
Olivia: It’s not a test, I didn’t cheat! I just pawned it off on someone else.
Claude: In hindsight, you were too busy with royal engagements this week to have gotten so much done.
Gigi: Well, I have none of those, nor do I have a job, so I was able to fly through it!
Claude: Now that we know Olivia didn’t do it, we have a chance of actually liking it! Let’s go see it!
Olivia: Hey!
Claude: Just pulling your leg, I gotta get back at you for all you’ve said about me!
Olivia: I only speak truth.
Todd: Mum, I’ve seen your attempts at gardening. He speaks truth, too.
Olivia: This was supposed to be my day, now I’m being mocked. I’m proud of all of you, I’ve taught you so well.
Claire: Oh my gosh, this is beautiful!
Olivia: This moment? I know, family is amazing!
Claire: I meant the garden, but family is beautiful.
Olivia: Oh, right.
Gigi: Thank you, Claire! I tried my best, learned a lot of it from TV. I’m quite the gardener.
Claude: You can really tell Liv didn’t do this.
Olivia: What does that mean?
Claude: It’s almost professional. Let’s be honest, Liv, you don’t have a green thumb.
Olivia: Why’d you ask me to do it, then?
Claude: None of us live near Windsor, we didn’t want to come out here to do this.
Olivia: You live closer than me!
Claude: It all worked out in the end, didn’t it?
Olivia: You gave me a task you knew I was destined to fail, that is cruel!
Eleanor: Let’s not worry about that now, let’s talk about how great of a job Genevieve did!
Gigi: Thank you! Some people don’t realize when it’s not their moment in the spotlight!
Olivia: You’re right, dear, you did you an amazing job, and you deserve the credit. This garden is picturesque.
Todd: Even I have to admit you’ve done well.
Gigi: Well, that ruins it a bit.
Olivia: Am I in some sort of trouble for not doing it on my o-
Claude: Olivia! Not your moment!
Olivia: Sorry! No need to get testy, I was just asking a question!
Christine: We’ll discuss your punishment later.
Olivia: That chills me to the bone.
Eleanor: She’s kidding.
Olivia: I know. Her joking is the scary part, she doesn’t do that. You feeling all right, Chris?
Christine: Better, now that I know you’ve not screwed up my garden.
Ethan: Ah, this is what family’s all about.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the next episode next week!
