The group is having dinner at a restaurant.
Sam: I have to say, Leslie, this place wasn't a completely awful suggestion. Yes, we had to drive forty minutes to get here, but what excellent food!
Leslie: I told you, I have seen nothing but raves for this place.
Sam: You always say that, at some point you just can’t trust it. This place, though, it’s good.
Frances: Why don’t we come to Providence more often?
Sam: Because we don’t like people?
Charlotte: Speak for yourself! Some of us like some people!
Garry: I can’t believe we have to go back to work tomorrow.
Melanie: I can’t believe I have to go back to work in an hour.
Sam: An hour?
Melanie: Yeah, I’d really better get going, huh?
Sam: You got went minutes, you’re good for dessert!
Melanie: That chocolate lava cake does look incredible.
Sam: Get it for yourself, you’ve earned it! You work a real job!
Leslie: So do I! I was working on editing today for, like, four hours. I missed the tour of The Breakers!
Sam: It was our third visit. On this trip. You’ll live.
Frances: In fairness, there’s not a ton to do in Rhode Island.
Melanie: It’s not our fault we’re small! Only so much you can fit in such a tiny area!
Leslie: Maybe next week, we can tour a mansion we’ve only visited once before on this trip.
Sam: That would be a nice change.
Frances: Oh my god!
Sam: I know it’s exciting to get to visit a tourist trap we’re slightly less familiar with, but I don’t know if it’s worth making a scene in the restaurant about it.
Frances: That woman!
Sam: What, you having a late-in-life realization? She is very pretty, but not what I’d expect your type to be.
Frances: No, Sam, I am not a lesbian.
Sam: Don’t erase the bisexuals like that, Frances, you’re supposed to be an ally.
Frances: To tell you the truth, I’m liking the bisexuals a whole lot more than the lesbians right about now.
Sam: That stings. It’s also a bit problematic, don’t get yourself in any trouble.
Diane: Who is the woman you’re talking about? I can’t see anything from this side of the table and I’m not about to turn my head and look like some kind of stalker.
Frances: It’s my former sister-in-law, Marcia.
Diane: Oh, wow!
Melanie: What kind of relationship did you two have? Tense or close gal pals? I need to know if there’s about to be a food fight, I need my clothes to stay clean for work. I need to look classy to unclog toilets and repair TV remotes.
Frances: Nothing is messy between us, if that’s what you mean. We’re still Facebook friends, I just haven’t seen her in years. Not since Frances in the Kitchen ended and Greg and I divorced.
Melanie: How often do you talk?
Frances: Almost never, just the simple “happy birthday” messages every year. Sometimes I’ll like her posts, that’s really it. I certainly didn’t know she would be in Rhode Island today!
Sam: Sounds like a Facebook friend to me.
Frances: Oh god, she’s walking over here. Hide me!
Diane: Hide you?
Frances: I am not emotionally prepared for this!
Charlotte: I think it’s a bit too late to stop her from seeing you.
Frances: You loads could at least try! Come on,
Marcia: Frances! Oh my god, what are you doing here?
Frances: Marcia! I didn’t even see you here! What are you doing in Rhode Island?
Sam (under her breath): Nice save.
Marcia: I asked first!
Frances: Oh, we famously shoot in Rhode Island, it was sort of a big deal, we were kind of responsible for their governor almost becoming Vice President.
Marcia: I didn’t even know the show was still on! That’s great!
Frances: You didn’t?
Marcia: I don’t keep up with TV really. I’ve been traveling a lot since my retirement.
Frances: You retired?
Marcia: Yeah, you ending the show sort of put me into early retirement.
Frances: I’m sorry about how that all went down. You know how much I loved working with you.
Marcia: They were the best years of my life, and you were an excellent friend to me. I’ve never held that divorce against you, it wasn’t on you at all.
Frances: Oh, we don’t have to talk about that!
Marcia: I shouldn’t have brought it up.
Sam: Are we not doing dessert?
Diane: Must you be rude?
Charlotte: She’s Sam, it’s what she does.
Frances: Charlotte, Leslie, would you mind hitching a ride with Sam and Diane? I’d like to stay and catch up with Marcia while I can.
Charlotte: I don’t mind. The real question is, does Sam?
Sam: Look, all I care about is getting my dessert. And Melanie getting hers.
Melanie: I really don’t need it that bad, I’m pretty full.
Sam: Don’t let them silence you.
Diane: Sam, she doesn’t want dessert.
Frances: I’m going to let you enjoy your desserts, or not enjoy them if you don’t want them, and go join Marcia at her table if she doesn’t mind.
Marcia: I don’t mind at all. If only I could find Howard so I know where the table is.
Frances: I miss Howard! How is he?
Marcia: Still Howard.
Frances: We have so much catching up to do! I will see all of you guys later, have fun with dessert!
Sam: Wait! You didn’t pay yet!
Leslie: Just let her go, breakfast can be on her tomorrow.
Frances: Nope, I’ve seen how much you freaks eat in the morning. Here’s fifty bucks, that should cover everything.
Leslie: Don’t stay out too late, though, we still have a show to film tomorrow, you party animal!
Frances: Darn, that really throws a wrench into my plan to stay up partying with Marcia until three AM. Oh well!
Leslie: Don’t get sarcastic, it doesn’t look good on anyone.
Frances: I’ll see you in an hour or so, don’t worry. Or… I’ll be home an hour after you are. I forgot Leslie dragged us across the state.
Leslie: It worked out, didn’t it?
Frances: To quote Tom Petty: you got lucky.
Diane: You guys have fun catching up!
Frances: Oh, we will.
Melanie: Marcia, I don’t know your hotel situation, but if you’re looking for a place to stay in Newport… I got you.
Marcia: We’re staying here in Providence, but I appreciate the offer.
Melanie: Worth a shot! You have fun, Frances!
Frances: You, too Melanie!
Melanie: Ah, yes, no place more fun than the front desk.
The next morning, at the Sunrise Diner…
Diane: So, Frances, you enjoy catching up with your former sister-in-law?
Leslie: She didn’t get in until after eleven, so she better have!
Sam: Do you consider that late?
Leslie: Well, she’s usually in bed by ten, so yeah.
Frances: I’m exhausted today, but it’s worth it. Sitting down and chatting with her, it was like those ten years had never passed. I missed that connection.
Sam: Are we not enough?
Frances: Don’t be so overdramatic this early in the morning. Save it for the set when you have to feign interest in eating six different fruit parfaits. What I’m trying to say is that Marcia and I were friends for so long, and then we went years without seeing one another because of awkward personal matters that really shouldn’t have impacted our friendship. It’s nice to get another chance.
Diane: Are you planning on seeing her again when we get back to California?
Frances: Of course! We’ve wasted enough time, no more. In fact, I’d like to see here more while she’s here, e so too.
Charlotte: Oh, how long is she here?
Frances: Just until Friday. That actually brings me to a question I have. Leslie, I would so appreciate it if you let Marcia visit the set so I can show her how I work now. I think she’d really appreciate it, mostly because I already asked her and she said as much.
Leslie: I really don’t just allow set visits -
Garry: You allowed the Governor of Rhode Island to visit before.
Leslie: Well, that was to secure the tax breaks, totally different scenario. Still, I’ll let this slide for Frances, it’s not like Marcia is going to leak set secrets or anything.
Frances: This is exciting! My old work pal meeting my new work pals!
Garry: We already met your assistant Jane.
Frances: Yes, but this is someone who actually worked alongside me. Whatever Jane did could not be called “working.” Bless her heart.
Sam: Why did you continue to employ her?
Frances: That’s not worth getting into.
Sam: So you’re not really sure why?
Frances: I have no idea what I was thinking.
Diane: What do you think your ex will think about you reconnecting with Marcia?
Frances: If I’m being honest, I don’t really care. I don’t wish him ill, but he’s not a concern of mine.
Charlotte: What ever happened there? Why’d you split up?
Garry: She’s never told us.
Frances: It’s a story for another time. Maybe get me drunk and I’ll share it.
Garry: This early in the morning? Have you become Kathie Lee Gifford?
Frances: I was joking! Although… I couldn’t drink last night, maybe I could get a mimosa now.
Diane: And you all say I’m an alcoholic!
Sam: You are!
Diane: You have no evidence of that.
Later, on the set of Bake Your Heart Out…
Paul: Was anyone expecting a visitor today? There’s a woman in the parking lot that I don’t recognize and I think she’s trying to get in.
Frances: Marcia!
Paul: I wouldn’t know her name, but I don’t think it’s Maureen McCormick, TV’s Marcia Brady.
Frances: Did you not watch my show before you hire me?
Paul: I have to be honest, Leslie came to me with the hiring suggestions, I had very little to do with it.
Frances: You were the one that stuck us with Charlotte!
Charlotte: Hey! Stuck with?
Frances: And we’re so glad he did!
Charlotte: Nice try.
Paul: The Charlotte situation was different, I actually cared about your show at that point, it was a huge hit and I could use it to boost her sitcom. When this show first started out, I thought I was picking up a midseason replacement that’d get middling ratings and be quietly canceled.
Leslie: You thought that?
Paul: I obviously hoped it wouldn’t be the case. Does that make it better?
Leslie: No.
Marcia: Frances! My God, that was a hassle!
Frances: You made it! I was worried Paul was going to have his goons shoot you for trespassing.
Marcia: Is the security really that tight? It’s a baking show!
Paul: I would never have anyone shoot anyone for coming onto the set, and certainly not you.
Marcia: I take it this is Paul?
Paul: Paul McVann, president of UTN.
Marcia: The network UTN or some sort of bakers’ union of the same name.
Diane: Ah! Don’t say “union” in front of him! His head will explode!
Paul: I am not anti-union! I voted for -
Sam: You sound like people who say they’re not racist because they have a black friend!
Paul: What?
Sam: Claim to be pro-union all you want, say you vote for pro-union politicians as evidence, but the way you personally act towards unions is all the proof we need.
Paul: I don’t know how I got thrown in the firing line here, should we not be welcoming our guest? Marcia, is it?
Marcia: Yes, it’s Marcia. I’m Frances’ former co-star on Frances in the Kitchen, and her former sister-in-law.
Paul: That’s quite a history!
Marcia: We go way back, but this is the first time we’re seeing each other in, gosh… eight years? Since she started this show.
Frances: She didn’t even know this show was still on! Goes to show you how well we’ve kept in touch. It’s changing now, though!
Leslie: You should probably introduce her to us, then, no?
Frances: That would probably be good, yeah. Your names never really came up last night.
Leslie: As hurtful as it is to seemingly be seen as irrelevant in your eyes, it’s good to at least know you weren’t talking smack about us behind our backs.
Frances: So, Marcia, this is Leslie. She’s our producer and the creator of the show.
Leslie: What she’s saying is that, even though this is technically my show, I’m the only one here that no one stops for an autograph at a restaurant. I’m fine with it, I really am!
Sam: She's lying.
Frances: And that would be Sam, our host.
Marcia: I remember your comedy specials.
Sam: Most people our age do. You know, I could’ve been the lesbian Seinfeld if I wanted to. Just didn’t want to get tied down to broadcast TV. Ha, what a joke!
Diane: It is a joke, because it’s not true whatsoever.
Frances: And that would be Diane, her and Sam are joined at the hip.
Diane: It’s a tough life.
Marcia: I know you, too.
Frances: That’s Garry. He’s… Garry.
Garry: It’s so nice to meet you. I haven’t heard a lot about you, because Frances doesn’t really talk with me, but what I have heard has been positive.
Frances: Stop being a drama queen! Speaking of which… this is Charlotte.
Marcia: Now I know you! Oscar winner!
Frances: Don’t inflate her ego even more.
Charlotte: I don’t have a big ego!
Frances: So that’s the team! They’re great when you get to know them, even if they’re kind of a pain in the ass.
Sam: Thank you, means a lot.
Paul: Didn’t you forget somebody?
Frances: Unfortunately for her, she’s already well aware of who you are.
Leslie: All right, I think it’s time you all get ready for the show. Marcia, you can go with Frances while she prepares or you can stay out here with the rest of us not-ready-for-primetime players.
Marcia: I’ll go with her, I’ll be bugging you guys a lot during the show, anyway.
Paul: We don’t usually talk during the show. Background noise is bad for -
Leslie: Paul, don’t be a square.
Later that day in Sam’s dressing room, after filming has wrapped…
Sam: Do you guys think a Jimmy Carter-themed zinger would be appropriate to use against Carter when we eliminate him? Or should we not kick him when he’s down?
Garry: That depends on the zinger.
Sam: “Carter, much like how America felt about our 39th President, the judges weren’t peanuts about your bakes this week.”
Garry: That’s a little mean.
Sam: Well, if Garry thinks so, then I’m using it!
Marcia: You already know who’s going home?
Sam: Honey… did you see what he made today? Would you keep him around?
Marcia: That’s a fair point, it was basically soup.
Frances: Kamala didn’t have the best day either.
Sam: That’s every other week with her, you still always keep her.
Frances: There’s always one person slightly worse.
Marcia: I don’t watch this show, because I’m really never home to, but I do have to say, it’s still fascinating to get to see Frances interacting with a new TV family. I’m so used to our dynamic, but you guys all work so well together.
Sam: Tell Paul that, he’s always trying to cramp our style.
Charlotte: You guys talk about Paul like we’re in middle school and he’s our assistant principal.
Sam: He’s even more annoying than my middle school assistant principal.
Diane: You remember your middle school assistant principal?
Sam: He was a real hard-ass.
Frances: I think this is enough talking about work. We should go out for dinner. Marcia’s probably gotta go back to Howard, too.
Marcia: Can I be honest with you? It’s been amazing getting time away from him. I love the man, but he’s not the most interesting guy to vacation with.
Frances: Aren’t you big travelers?
Marcia: I am! He mostly stays home. He only comes with once or twice a year, when we’re going somewhere that he thinks is interesting.
Sam: And he chose Rhode Island?
Marcia: He said it sounded relaxing.
Sam: Well, that it is.
Frances: So, you joining us for dinner?
Marcia: I don’t see why not! Just let me text Howard and let him know, he will not mind.
Later that night, at dinner…
Marcia: Oh my god, you guys are a hoot!
Sam: A hoot! She thinks we’re a hoot!
Marcia: Did I say something wrong, is “hoot” offensive now?
Sam: No! I just haven’t heard anyone say that about us in a long while!
Diane: Most people just call us “annoying” or “a lot” or “horrible.” The kids on Twitter, anyway. We’re “cringe,” apparently.
Garry: Let’s not play victim here, we all get a lot of praise, it definitely outweighs the mean comments.
Charlotte: You sure about that, Garry? You know who you’re talking to, right? Sam would hang you on a flagpole by your underpants if she could.
Marcia: No matter what anyone says, you’ve all been very welcoming to me today. It’s good to know Frances is in good hands, still.
Frances: It’s been great to get to hang out with you. I don’t know why we let it go on this long without seeing each other.
Marcia: I know why.
Frances: Yeah… so do I.
Garry: I’m lost.
Carly: For Christ’s sake, Garry, I barely know these people and even I’m not lost!
Garry: That could have been said in a nicer way.
Carly: No, it had to be said that way for you to get it.
Frances: How is Greg?
Marcia: You sure you want to talk about this?
Frances: I’m sure. It’s been seven years, I can at least hear about him now.
Marcia: He’s doing well, he just got remarried. He doesn’t talk about your marriage much, but he really did love you, you need to know that. It hit him hard.
Frances: It hit me hard, too. I’ve never really been the same since, but it was for the best. I miss the family, though. I miss you.
Marcia: I’ve missed you a lot. We need to make a point to keep seeing one another.
Frances: I was just saying that last night to Leslie. This was a ridiculously long time to not see you.
Marcia: We should never let a man come between us ever again, not even my brother. That being said, I should probably get home to Howard soon. I can leave him for a while and he doesn’t mind, but this is supposed to be a vacation together, we should spend some time together.
Frances: I get it, you’ve spent a lot of time with me and almost none with him. Who would want to spend their whole vacation away from their spouse?
Carly: I can think of some people.
Garry: She’s pregnant, she’s a little moody.
Carly: Don’t even.
Marcia: I guess I should get going. Frances… we’re going to see each other at least once more before I go, but when you’re in LA, you call me. We’re not drifting apart again.
Frances: You’ve got a deal!
Marcia: Okay, I’m going to go pay my check. Thank you all again for being so welcoming to me, it’s been a blast. You really reminded me of how much fun it was to make a TV show all those years ago.
Frances: We really did have the time of our lives.
Leslie: Uh… hey!
Frances: This is also the time of my life!
Sam: Nice save!
Marcia: Okay, I’m going. Good luck with the show!
Diane: God knows we’ll need it.
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
