Claude: Beloved family, welcome back to Balmoral!
Meredith: Beloved family and Prime Minister Trayman!
Olivia: Don’t remind us.
Gigi: Why did you bring her with us, Uncle Claude?
Claude: Mum used to bring the Prime Ministers here for bonding, and lord knows this family can stand to bond with Prime Minister Trayman.
Meredith: I get the impression that most of you don’t care for me!
Ethan: Where could you have ever gotten that idea?
Meredith: From the way you speak and act!
Ethan: I was being facetious, not that I expected you to grasp that.
Meredith: No one is bullied worse than I am.
Christine: Let me show you to your room, perhaps everyone will be nicer to you once we’ve all gotten a good night’s rest. It was a long day of traveling.
Olivia: You sending us to bed, mum?
Christine: No, I’m sending the Prime Minister to bed. The rest of you are free to do what you want, I’m not the boss of you.
Olivia: And you’re the boss of the Prime Minister?
Christine: Oh, would you just shove it?
Arthur: I suppose you’re also grumpy from the traveling, mum?
Christine: You can shove it, too. I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it!
Gigi: She doesn’t really mean it, it’s just an empty threat.
Christine: Whose genius idea was it to go on vacation now, anyway?
Eleanor: I believe it was mine.
Christine: Well, it was a brilliant idea, thank you for having it!
Olivia: I can’t say I’m exactly tired, but I could stand to unpack my luggage and slip into something more comfortable, so I’m going to head to my room, too. I’ll be back for dinner.
Meredith: There’s dinner? Am I not allowed dinner?
Claude: You are allowed any dinner you want, I think Christine simply forgot about it.
Christine: Oh, I remembered. I just wanted to break up what was a very uncomfortable conversation for all of us. I didn’t even know her species ate food.
Meredith: Okay, I think I know when I’m not wanted around! I’m going to my room!
Arthur: Aaaaannnnnnd… she’s walking towards the kitchen.
Meredith: You know, I’ve just realized I don’t know where my room is, if someone could show me the way…
Claire: Follow me!
Olivia: Do we have assigned rooms ourselves, or is it just sort of a free-for-all? Because while I adore Nathan and Alicia both, I would like to request a room away from theirs, due to information I’ve unfortunately been told over the course of the last few weeks.
Veronica: I would like to make that same request.
Arthur: As would we.
Nathan: Thanks, mum. My family now sees my wife and me as the freaky loud sex people.
Christine: You’re young, you’re in love, it’s understandable. Enjoy it while you can!
Claude: What’s that supposed to mean?
Christine: Olivia, shall I show you to your room?
Olivia: I sort of want to see where this conversation is heading.
Christine: It’s now or never! Either follow me or sleep on the sitting room couch!
Olivia: Ah, man, I guess I’ll never get to hear about my brother’s sex life now. What a shame!
In Olivia and Fred’s bedroom…
Olivia: Wow! I’m out of breath!
Christine: From what?
Olivia: That walk!
Christine: Are you okay? Physically?
Olivia: It’s a long walk and I’m old!
Christine: I’m older, and I’m fine. Do you have emphysema or severe untreated asthma or -
Olivia: It’s been a long day, and I just walked up a lot of steps. Not to mention, I almost touched that spider, that was scary. Took the wind right out of me sails!
Christine: Don’t talk like that, you’re not a Beatle.
Fred: If it makes you feel any better, darling, I’m also out of breath.
Christine: I half-expect to find you both dead of natural causes tomorrow morning.
Olivia: There’s a lovely thought.
Fred: Are you planning on doing wake-up calls?
Christine: It was a joke.
Olivia: Not a terribly funny one.
Christine: You two enjoy your night, I’ll see you tomorrow.
Olivia: Dinner?
Christine: Will you be able to walk to the kitchen and back tonight? Seems like a lot to ask!
Olivia: I had a large lunch, I guess that’ll tide me over until tomorrow morning.
Fred: I didn’t!
Olivia: I’ve got a cereal bar in my purse if you’d like that.
Fred: How long’s that been in there?
Christine: Since the first Churchill premiership.
Olivia: Out.
Christine: Did I misspeak?
Olivia: Out.
Christine: See ya in the morning! Bright and early!
Olivia: I’m on vacation, no you will not.
One hour later…
Olivia: Honey…
Fred: Yes, my love?
Olivia: I know this will sound odd.
Fred: Coming from you, nothing sounds odd!
Olivia: I choose to believe you said that to mean everything I say is perfect, and not that everything I say is outlandish.
Fred: What were you going to say?
Olivia: Have you moved my sunglasses? Did you try them on our put them in a drawer or something?
Fred: I haven’t even seen you wearing any sunglasses today.
Olivia: And you didn’t point that out? My eyes could have been damaged!
Fred: Believe it or not, I had other things to worry about today besides what accessories you had on your eyes.
Olivia: Excuse me for believing my husband would care about me!
Fred: That is a wild leap to a false conclusion.
Olivia: This is a major crisis, and you’re unconcerned!
Fred: I didn’t say that, I said I had things to worry about besides your glasses. If you’re concerned about being unable to find them, obviously I am concerned. I don’t like when you’re concerned.
Olivia: We have to stop saying “concerned.”
Fred: Have you checked your suitcase thoroughly?
Olivia: Are you ignorant? Of course I’ve checked the suitcase, it’s the first place I looked.
Fred: Every pocket?
Olivia: Yes! Fred, I’m in a crisis, I don’t have time for stupid questions. I can’t see outside without my sunglasses.
Fred: Did you look through your purse?
Olivia: I’ve looked through every bag we brought with, it’s in none of them. Even yours. By the way, you’re unpacked.
Fred: Oh, thank you. I always love getting unpacked by having my belongings strewn about in a drawer.
Olivia: Desperate times, Fred!
Fred: Have you considered checking the car?
Olivia: And walking past the gaggle of freaks?
Fred: I figured it was worth suggesting.
Olivia: Unfortunately, it is absolutely the thing I have to do, and I am dreading it! I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with their antics again until the morning! I also thought I wouldn’t have to deal with those steps until the morning. This is a nightmare.
Fred: They’re not so bad, but I’ll go with you if you want.
Olivia: Well, I wasn’t going outside in the dark alone!
Fred: Do you know where my jacket is?
Olivia: Somewhere in that pile in the drawer.
Fred: Let me fish it out and we’ll go.
Olivia: It’s summer, what do you need a jacket for?
Fred: It’s fifty degrees outside.
Olivia: I need you to be less of a wimp, you’re embarrassing me.
Fred: Those glasses better be in the car, you’re cranky without them.
Olivia: I can’t see!
Fred: They’re sunglasses.
Olivia: I can’t see in the sun!
Fred: We’re inside.
Olivia: It’s been a long day, I’m sorry I’m cranky.
Fred: In think let’s just get an early jump on sleep, we’ll check for them tomorrow morning.
Olivia: That would be nice, let me go change and brush my teeth.
Fred: Please try not to have nightmares about your sunglasses.
Olivia: Well, I’m certainly going to now!
Fred: Just don’t wake me up to tell me about them, then.
Olivia: No promises.
The next morning…
Claire: Olivia! I never see you up this early, what’s up?
Olivia: Am I getting a reputation as a late riser?
Claire: You certainly don’t have a reputation as someone who rises at five AM.
Olivia: Well, I usually don’t, but I went to bed at nine, and I have something weighing on me, so here I am. What are you doing up?
Claire: Fred knows why!
Fred: This is our alone time. We wake up every morning at this time to get a nice hour or so of alone time. We sip tea, we read, we say almost nothing to one another for the entire hour unless you or Arthur or Christine have done something that we need to vent about.
Olivia: Oh. I see. Sounds boring.
Fred: It’s peaceful. It’ll have to wait this morning, though, as we have to go rummage through a car for sunglasses.
Claire: Which one of you lost your glasses?
Olivia: Why, did you find a pair?
Claire: No, but I’ve got plenty of my own.
Olivia: It won’t do, I need mine.
Claire: Are you sure? Is there really a difference between different pairs of sunglasses? They all have the one common goal.
Olivia: Mine are special. I have sensitive eyes, and they’re the only pair that block the sun properly. Not to mention, they’re stylish, and the press says I’m something of a fashion icon.
Claire: When did you become such a -
Fred: Fruit loop? I don’t know.
Claire: I was going to say “diva,” but I guess that works, too.
Olivia: It’s about comfortability, I can’t enjoy my vacation if I’m squinting the whole time.
Fred: Well, naturally.
Olivia: Come on, Fred, let’s get outside before one of the others wakes up and distracts you even further.
Claire: Good luck out there! Just remember, you can always borrow mine if you’re really in a bind!
Fred: She appreciates the offer, even if she doesn’t show it.
Outside…
Olivia: I’m not finding it, Claude! You said they would be out here!
Fred: I said they could be out here, I didn’t make promises.
Olivia: What a load of bull! I left the safety of our room early for no reason! What if my family sees me and wants to talk to me? Or worse, what if Trayman sees me? I’d kill myself!
Fred: Would that be so awful?
Olivia: Yes! I don’t need them distracting me from my search! And, to top it all off, the sun’s starting to come out. I can’t be in the sun like this!
Fred: Are you a vampire? Did I marry Vampira?
Olivia: Sensitive eyes!
Fred: Just put a regular pair of glasses on like a normal person, I assure you, your eyes won’t melt out of your skull.
Olivia: I’m not going over this again. I’m going to try to slip back to our room, I need some alone time to cry about this.
Fred: They’re just glasses.
Olivia: My favorite glasses!
Fred: Even though you’ve been acting insane about this, I feel for you.
Olivia: You’re better, you’re my husband!
Fred: Just, go to the room, unwind, relax, and blow off some steam. Maybe after that, you can move on from the sunglasses and enjoy your vacation.
Olivia: I’m finding those glasses.
Fred: Sure.
Three hours later…
Gigi: Finally, mum’s up!
Olivia: I’ve been up.
Gigi: Were you invisible?
Selina: There’s a scary thought, her moving around unseen, ready to annoy without warning!
Olivia: I was relaxing in my room, I didn’t want to get up. It’s been a stressful morning.
Eleanor; What’s wrong, dear?
Meredith: Did you also have a lumpy bed? I could hardly sleep.
Ethan: No, we just gave you the bad bed.
Meredith: The bad bed?
Olivia: Can we talk about my problems? Trayman’s got too many issues to realistically tackle them, I need your assistance!
Claude: I don’t think we have much of a choice, do we?
Meredith: Can I just say, it’s wild to see you all in your pyjamas! I feel like I’m part of the family now!
Gigi: Well ya aren’t, so shut up!
Norah: This is such a beautiful family moment.
Olivia: My sunglasses are lost!
Christine: That was your big crisis?
Claire: She has sensitive eyes.
Christine: What’s next, Trayman gonna tell us she can’t find her nail polish?
Meredith: Don’t wait nail polish, I’m not a hooker.
Norah: I take offense to that, mother.
Meredith: I’m not looking for that sort of attention, I’ve got my husband already.
Olivia: Moving on from the prime minister’s very problematic remarks, have any of you seen my glasses? They’re red with no rim.
Claude: Fess up, who stole them? I’m ordering you to speak up, I know none of you will disobey your king.
Veronica: I have a red pair you could bor-
Olivia: No! Appreciate the offer, but no. Mine are special.
Veronica: Then it seems you’re out of luck.
Ethan: Yeah, I haven’t seen any red glasses laying around.
Olivia: This is a nightmare. Where could they be?
Arthur: Maybe you lost them when you stopped to use the restroom back around Manchester.
Olivia: Nothing good ever happens in Manchester!
Eleanor: This is why we should have flown!
Claude: Private jets are terrible for the environment!
Eleanor: Look at Jane Fonda over here, caring about the environment!
Selina: We’re all going to be dead soon enough, why should we care?
Todd: They might not even be lost anywhere. Maybe you just left them at home?
Olivia: I don’t leave the house without them.
Todd: Never? There’s no chance?
Olivia: Well, I don’t want to believe there is, I couldn’t get them there.
Todd: Better than at a gas station in Manchester, no?
Gigi: Also better than being in Drayman’s bag, which is where I’d guess they are.
Meredith: In didn’t steal them!
Gigi: Tell it to a judge!
Ethan: You should call your babysitter up and have her check the house for you.
Olivia: Babysitter?
Ethan: Midge.
Olivia: She’s not my babysitter, she’s my assistant! You’re right, though, this is what she’s paid to do.
Christine: She’s disturbing a woman during her time off so she can have her look for a pair of sunglasses?
Olivia: They’re very important sunglasses, and I’m off to call her right now.
Christine: And she’s bugging her for them in the morning? My god, it just gets worse!
Claude: Let her, this is clearly something troubling her greatly and we’re not going to hear the end of it anytime soon if it’s not resolved.
Gigi: I’m not spending my vacation listening to her complaining about this! I won’t do it! Her rants ruined enough of my vacations in childhood, it’s not happening again.
Olivia: I ruined your childhood vacations?
Gigi: You didn’t make them better.
Olivia: You have all been terrible to me in this time of crisis. Except for you, Nathan, you’ve kept quiet. Good boy.
Nathan: Thank you!
Alicia: My husband is excited that his aunt called him a “good boy.” What is my life?
Gigi: Hey, look on the bright side: you could be Norah! She’s gotta sleep next to that, and she doesn’t even have a ring to show for it!
Todd: Okay, that was uncalled for.
Eleanor: Yes, children behave!
Todd: Ha! Gran called you a child!
Gigi: And you proceed to then gloat about it, like a child.
Claude: I think I’m going back to lie down, I’m not quite ready for this today.
Christine: Just think, dear: only twenty-seven more days of this.
Olivia picks up her phone and calls Midge.
Midge: Your Royal Highness? What are you doing up at this hour?
Olivia: This is not early for me!
Midge: If you say so.
Olivia: I need you to do me a favor, Midge.
Midge: I would assume as much, there’s never any other reason to call.
Olivia: That’s a bit more of an attitude than I’d be hoping for from my assistant.
Midge: I’m your lady-in-waiting.
Olivia: I’m seventy years old, you’re seventy-five. We’re a bit past “lady-in-waiting” stage. You’re just my assistant.
Midge: I take great pride in that title.
Olivia: So, anyway, I need you to go to my house -
Midge: In the country?
Olivia: No, my London home.
Midge: Thank god. Your house is in the middle of nowhere. Sort of like where you and Her Majesty the Queen abandoned me that time!
Olivia: Have we not moved past that?
Midge: We have, but it’s always useful to bring up, just to shame you a bit.
Olivia: I need you to go to my London home and look for a pair of red sunglasses. I’ve misplaced them and it’s the only place I think they could conceivably be without being lost in some unretrievable place.
Midge: What do I do if I find them? Mail them?
Olivia: No, you’re driving here.
Midge: Is that my official invitation to Balmoral?
Olivia: It is indeed. And, if you do find that pair, you can stay as long as you want. You’ll have earned it.
Midge: That’s an interesting offer.
Olivia: Quite lucrative. People would kill to get a night here, let alone weeks. And, we gave Trayman the garbage room, so you’ll get a nice bed!
Midge: All right, you’ll be seeing me in a few hours.
Olivia: The drive is nine hours. I’ll see you in more than a few hours, but hopefully in less than a day. Good luck!
Olivia hangs up.
Ethan: Wow, your mood’s heightened tremendously already. Did Mary Poppins find your glasses in that big old purse of hers?
Olivia: No, but a spoonful of hope makes the struggle go down.
Arthur: You really think she’ll be able to find them? You just said you never leave the house without them, why the sudden change?
Olivia: I gave her an offer she can’t refuse.
Claude: Olivia! You can not go around threatening to whack the help to get them to do favors for you! Well, not in this environment, at least…
Olivia: I didn’t threaten her! Also, we’re coming back to this, because it sounds like you have experience in this arena.
Claude: Just the once! And it was for an important reason, it was for Elton John tickets!
Olivia: You got the tickets, right?
Claude: I’m still standing, yeah yeah yeah.
Gigi: If you didn’t threaten her, then what did you offer her that made you so certain she’d find those glasses for you?
Olivia: I told her she could come and stay here with us if she brought them to me.
Claude: You’re inviting people here without asking me?
Olivia: Just one! And it’s not like you don’t know her, you’re the one that stuck me with her to begin with.
Claude: It would’ve been nice if you’d asked, that is all. Nathan and Alicia asked when they wanted to bring Veronica, and I was happy to approve that request.
Veronica: Happy to be here, even if I get lost at least once an hour.
Gigi: Trayman’s used to that, you should ask her for advice.
Meredith: I’m not nearly as flighty as any of you may think. I was the top student at my secondary school.
Gigi: Were you homeschooled?
Meredith: Only the one year.
Gigi: Goodness.
Olivia: I’m sorry, Claude, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
Eleanor: It’ll be nice to get to know Midge better. We should all be closer with our staff. That’s why Meredith is here.
Meredith: I’m not really your sta-
Eleanor: You are.
Meredith: I am.
Eleanor: That’s right.
Claude: We don’t have room for any of you to invite anyone else, so it’s just Midge and that’s it. Got it?
Eleanor: We have fifty bedrooms, dear.
Claude: Don’t let them know that!
Eleanor: They’ll be selling out the castle to film The Bachelor if they think there’s room available.
Gigi: I would never! That show’s tacky. Now, Love Island…
Meredith: If we’re bringing assistants, maybe mine could join me to help me with the budget bill?
Olivia: One Tory under this roof is more than enough!
Claude: All right, we’re all surely done with breakfast. Let’s go get ready for a horseback ride.
Olivia: I just want you all aware, I’m going to SMOKE you at the horse race. You won’t see it coming.
Claude: We weren’t planning on racing.
Olivia: Already backing down from the challenge?
Eleanor: Olivia, leave your brother alone. He’s not as experienced on horseback as we are.
Gigi: That sounded dirty, rephrase that.
Eleanor: He doesn’t ride as much as we do.
Gigi: No, that’s much worse. That will haunt my nightmares.
Two hours later…
Olivia: Everyone, stop! I’m getting an urgent call!
Gigi: Sorry, mum, I’m winning this non-race race!
Olivia: Ah, whatever, I’ll cry into my Olympic medals.
Olivia picks up the phone.
Olivia: Midge, what’s the sitch?
Midge: Well, Kim Possible, I couldn’t locate the glasses at your home. I looked everywhere, I felt terrible about it. It was such an invasion of privacy!
Olivia: I need you to find a new pair, then. Spare no expense, you’ll be repaid in full.
Midge: I don’t know what glasses to get. I didn’t realize sunglasses were this complicated!
Olivia: The brand is “Soleil-Aid,” it’s a French company and they make the best glasses in the world. The pair I wear is red, with white hinges and no rims.
Midge: What if I can’t find them anywhere?
Olivia: Don’t think so negatively. Someone, somewhere in this country, has them.
Midge: Well, you’re the boss.
Olivia: No, I am not Bruce Springsteen.
Midge: I’ll find them.
Olivia: You’d better, because I’m wearing a pair of Claire’s glasses today against my will and the sun’s killing me! It’s the reason I’m about to come in third in a horse race. At least I got to see Trayman thrown off a horse and into a creek.
Midge: I will do my best.
Olivia: I appreciate it.
The next day…
Eleanor: Someone’s at the door!
Gigi: Quick, stop uncle Claude from shooting them!
Claude: I wasn’t going to shoot anyone! I was planning to just ignore them.
Olivia: It’s Midge!
Ethan: I thought she couldn’t find your glasses?
Olivia: She said she’d look.
Ethan: Well, she looks half-dead.
Olivia: She really did look for them! That’s sweet!
Olivia opens the door.
Midge: Your Royal Highnesses, I am so sorry to be greeting you like this. I haven’t slept.
Olivia: But did you get the glasses?
Midge: I had to drive to Cardiff to find them, but I got them!
Olivia: You’re an angel! Christine, show her to her room!
Christine: She’s going to have to shower first, she can’t stink up our sheets!
Midge: I apologize, I sweat when I’m stressed.
Olivia: It’s fine, the important thing is I’ve got my glasses.
Gigi: Ah, yes. All the world’s problems are solved now.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the next episode next week!
