The group is on the set of Bake Your Heart Out, waiting to begin filming.
Paul: Leslie, do you have any sort of idea where Garry is?
Leslie: Of course I do, I’m not an idiot. He’s in his dressing room, poking around, likely trying to find the perfect sweater to convey the tone of bread week.
Paul: Is it that hard to pick out a sweater? He’s ten minutes late. Have you considered knocking on his door and asking what the holdup is?
Leslie: I usually just let them do their own thing. I’m not a helicopter producer, I’m more free-range.
Paul: I’ve noticed.
Sam: She knows she can’t tame us, you should realize the same.
Diane: You talk about us like we’re wild boars.
Sam: We sort of are.
Frances: I’m not wild, I’m a majestic being.
Sam: Are you?
Frances: Bitch.
Paul: Oh my god, it’s a bread week miracle! Look who’s made it out!
Leslie: Garry, where were you? It’s not like you to be late! Like Sam, yes, but not like you.
Sam: Hey!
Diane: She’s not wrong.
Sam: I’m a diva, divas are fashionably late.
Charlotte: Talking fashion while dressed like that? You look like someone put Fred and Ginger in a blender.
Sam: Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were mentioned in Madonna’s Vogue, so I take that as complementary comment about my iconic style.
Charlotte: Sure.
Garry: I’m really sorry, Leslie, I don’t mean to disappoint you. I’m just dealing with a terrible family crisis.
Leslie: Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.
Sam: Feel free to take some time off work if you need it, maybe even the whole rest of the season. For your emotional health.
Diane: Sam!
Sam: What? We only really need two judges, anyway.
Diane: Garry, if you don’t find the question intrusive, what’s going on?
Garry: I think Carly’s finally leaving me!
Sam: Well, who couldn’t have seen that one coming?
Diane: Time out.
Sam: What?
Diane: Go stand in the corner, reflect one what you’ve done.
Sam: You’re not my real mom and you never will be!
Charlotte: Garry, why do you think that?
Garry: She texted me “I think we need to talk, it’s urgent.”
Sam: Oh, it is so over.
Diane: Don’t say that! Garry, ignore her.
Garry: I would be a fool to ignore the reality!
Sam: Someone would say that you’re a fool either way.
Charlotte: Can someone get her a Snickers?
Paul: So, I have to strike a careful balance here between kindhearted friend and tough boss. Would giving you five more minutes to talk this out before shooting starts be sufficient?
Frances: How generous.
Leslie: Fifteen?
Paul: Ten.
Leslie: Deal!
Garry: No, I’ll go now. I might be getting dumped, but I’m not going to hold up the show because of it. Life goes on.
Sam: That was a great show, Patti LuPone is a treasure.
Diane: Read the room, Sammy.
Garry: So what’s the topic this week, I need to know what food to be in the mood for.
Leslie: It’s bread week!
Garry: Oh, Carly loved bread!
Leslie: It’s gonna be one of those days, I can sense it already.
Later that night, at dinner…
Diane: So, Garry, what did Carly have to say?
Garry: Oh, uh… I didn’t talk to her yet.
Diane: So let me get this straight, Garry. You think your wife is cheating on you, or she’s fallen out of love with you, or something else that would prompt her to no longer want to be married to you, and your plan to keep her is to… ignore her entirely?
Garry: I haven’t worked out the kinks in the plan just yet.
Sam: If you keep ignoring her, the only kink involved here will be in you, when she folks you up and throws you in the trash!
Melanie: Oh no, Garry. Is that why you ran and quickly shouted “Get in the car!” at me when you picked me up? You were trying to avoid your wife?
Frances: Now that you mention it, I did find it curious that Carly wasn’t with us. I wasn’t going to bring it up, but I did figure she officially dropped the bomb on you, maybe even flew back to Cali already.
Garry: Oh my god, are you people already prophesying the downfall of my marriage?
Diane: In fairness, we’re all really familiar with failed marriages.
Melanie: So, so familiar.
Sam: Not I!
Leslie: Melanie, you were married?
Melanie: Common law. Then he disappeared in the middle of the night, left me with just a kid and some grandparents.
Leslie: We don’t talk about that enough.
Garry: Could we avoid talking about painful breakups for the time being?
Sam: It’s not any of our fault if Carly divorces you, us talking about splits won’t cause it.
Garry: When did I say that? I just don’t want to think about it!
Sam: That’s life for you.
Diane: It could be nothing. Maybe she wants to talk to you about vacation plans, the text was extremely vague.
Sam: Look, Pollyanna. “We need to talk” is the tell-tale sign of an impending split. It is so over.
Frances (singing): Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E becomes final today…
Garry: I’m right here!
Melanie: Oh, look, our salads are here!
Charlotte: I wish I weren’t.
Melanie: Come on, Garry discussing the impending end of his marriage isn’t so bad to witness. You’ll get back on your feet, man!
Sam: He won’t.
Diane: I don’t know for sure what it was about -
Sam: I do.
Diane: - but I know every second Garry is here and not at home talking to her, it just makes her madder. You can’t ghost someone you’re married to!
Sam: Your husband literally did.
Diane: At least you didn’t make a bridge joke.
Sam: I was so close to it.
Garry: I’m scared to go home!
Sam: You married a very intimidating woman, fear can’t be a new feeling for you.
Diane: What reason do you really have to believe that she is leaving you? Everything was fine this morning at breakfast!
Melanie: Maybe she -
Diane: No conspiracy theories, please, he’s in his head enough so as it is.
Garry: I’m not good enough for her, Sam reminds me of that constantly.
Sam: I never said you aren’t good enough for her, I said you aren’t good, period.
Leslie: Not the time for jabs.
Sam: I’m Sam! It’s what I do! I needle!
Garry: Take a good look at me.
Sam: No thank you.
Garry: I’m some nerdy, old, unattractive guy, how could I ever expect a woman that gorgeous to love me and want to be with me?
Charlotte: Now you’re convincing yourself your entire life with her was a lie. I know for certain that that’s not the case.
Diane: You’re a great guy, Garry. Looks aren’t everything.
Sam: Wow, Diane. That was uncalled for.
Diane: What?
Sam: You just called the man ugly.
Diane: I did nothing of the sort!
Sam: “Looks aren’t everything.”
Diane: I was just stating that appearance isn’t the only thing women value, the personality is the really important factor. I’m just digging a deeper hole for myself, aren’t I?
Sam: Afraid so.
Charlotte: You’ve said much worse to Garry.
Sam: I’m Sam! It’s what I do!
Charlotte: Will that be the excuse for all Garry-related terror today?
Sam: Yes.
Garry: I appreciate your attempts to, I think, cheer me up, but I’m just not buying it. I know she deserves better than me. She finally knows it, too.
Melanie: Oh, would you knock it off and stop feeling sorry for yourself? Every day, I listen to you all talk about your day, talk about your problems, complain about Big Brother, go on about what irritating things Sam has said to you -
Sam: I’m Sam! It’s what I -
Charlotte: We know.
Melanie: I have no problem with any of this, because you are my friends, and I care for you. I’ve gotten to know you all extremely well through this, I’m basically your free therapist that you take out to Chili’s every once in a while. Garry, that woman is head over heels in love with you, and no nonsense reason you make up in your head will ever change that. Frances was wrong -
Frances: Impossible!
Melanie: if there was a Tammy Wynette song to describe your relationship, it would be Stand By Your Man. No matter what, she’s always going to be right by your side, so stop pouting into your martini, set down your salad fork, and go to her! She loves you, she’s not leaving you.
Garry: That’s a very nice sentiment, b-
Melanie: Do it! Go, now! We’ll pay for your drink and food.
Sam: Who is we?
Melanie: Me, the low-wage service worker.
Sam: Okay, good to know you don’t expect me to pay for Garry’s dinner.
Gary: It didn’t come yet, you can just eat it yourself.
Sam: It’s tainted just by knowing it was made for you.
At the hotel, Garry unlocks his door and walks into the room.
Carly: Honey! Where have you been?
Garry: Oh… long shooting day at work.
Carly: Did someone die again? This is becoming a concerning pattern.
Garry: No, we just ran long.
Carly: Is that… garlic on your breath?
Garry: Um… we had them make garlic bread.
Carly: Is this Bake Your Heart Out or America’s Next Top Olive Garden Cook?
Garry: Okay, fine, we were at dinner.
Carly: You went to dinner without me? I knew I heard your car pull up! That piece of crap rental with the backfiring exhaust pipe is a hunk of junk, but it’s useful evidence in this case. Why would you go without me?
Garry: I know how embarrassing this sounds, but I was scared.
Carly: Of…?
Garry: You sent that text. That very vague text, that some were convinced meant something very negative.
Carly: Oh, geez. What did you think, I was dumping you via text?
Garry: No, just that you were laying the groundwork for it via text.
Carly: We had breakfast this morning, everything was fine.
Garry: Melanie’s sorta husband up and left her randomly out of the blue.
Carly: That was a man, men are idiots! Not you, honey. Well, right now you are.
Garry: So you aren’t divorcing me because you finally realized you’re too good for me?
Carly: Finally realized? No, I’ve known that all along.
Garry: What?
Carly: I’m kidding! I think we’re both pretty hot stuff, not just me.
Garry: So what was that text about? I panicked over it all day. To be honest, even though I blamed all of my idiot friends, it got in my head, too. I sat in my dressing room and screamed into a pillow for ten minutes after I saw it. I’ve seen enough rom-coms to understand the typical meaning of that text.
Carly: Movies aren’t real life. I just sent a quick text because I wanted you to know we needed to chat before dinner, but not over the phone, because it’s important. Not that the dinner part is relevant anymore.
Garry: I am so sorry.
Carly: It’s fine. Now, let’s sit down.
Garry: Oh no, did someone die? Was it your mom? Oh, honey, I’ll watch little Anna while you fly home.
Carly: Why would I be this calm if my mother died?
Garry: She would want you to stay strong, you know that.
Carly: Mom’s alive.
Garry: Oh… good.
Carly: No one died. Garry, remember the night before we flew back to Rhode Island, when we were packing? We started to -
Garry: Oh, I remember. Oh…
Carly: Yeah, Garry. I’m pregnant.
Garry: You’re pregnant! That’s great! We were being so careful, though. And I thought you thought you were -
Carly: Yeah, I did too. They do say menopause and pregnancy have very similar signs.
Garry: I can’t believe this.
Carly: I know you say it’s great, but is it a good disbelief or a bad one? We don’t have to do this, Garry. If you’re happy with our life -
Garry: No! It’s wonderful. I always wanted Anna to have a sibling, being an only child is lonely.
Carly: We need to do it for ourselves, not for Anna. She’ll be fine either way.
Garry: Do you not want to do this?
Carly: I do want to, I just… it’s scary. I’m forty-five years old, there are so many risks.
Garry: Honey, I want to do this if you do. You’ll be okay, we can afford the best doctors I the state.
Carly: It’s not a big state, that doesn’t say much.
Garry: The best doctors in New England, then!
Carly: It’s an old part of our country, most people are retired.
Garry: Carly!
Carly: I know, I’m just spiraling! How am I going to be responsible for another life? I can barely juggle this one, she only just started letting me watch General Hospital again without flipping out because I turned SpongeBob off!
Garry: You’re the best mom I know, and you have me.
Carly: I better havre you. You did this to me!
Garry: In remember you enjoying it.
Carly: I was drunk and needed a stress relief to distract me from packing.
Garry: Let’s not tell the kid that story.
Carly: Wasn’t planning on it, Garry.
The next day, on the set…
Diane: Our Top Baker this week, we are so excited to say, is none other than Nina! Nina, give her a hand, everyone!
Sam: Kamala, Calvin, give yourselves a hand as well. Great job this week.
Diane: Also returning next week… Carter.
Sam: And Edgar!
Diane: That leaves us with our bottom two.
Sam: Nancy, your bread pudding left the judges underwhelmed, as it was mushy and flavorless. They described it as being more like wet bread than a dessert.
Diane: Nathan, while your sculpted bread tower tasted good, it looked like it belonged in Pisa, owing to errors with proofing.
Sam: While both of you disappointed the judges this week, they were in unanimous agreement of one thing: neither of you did poorly enough to warrant elimination. You’re both still in the competition!
Diane: Why’d you get the good news? I always get the bad news!
Sam: That’s not true, and to see how not-true it is, tune in next week on Bake Your Heart Out!
Leslie: Cut! Great job, everyone!
Frances: Okay, Garry, it’s been killing me. What the hell’s going on with Carly?
Charlotte: Your silence has been deeply concerning, we have to know what’s up.
Garry: Dressing room, right now.
Leslie: All right, but you have to wait for me.
Paul: Can I come?
Frances: What do you think the answer is?
Paul: We’re friends!
Garry: Fine.
Sam: Ah, man, it must be bad if he’s so numb, he’s allowing Paul to come along.
In Garry’s dressing room…
Frances: So what’s the verdict? What are you getting in the big D-I-V-O-R-C-E?
Garry: Nothing, Tammy.
Frances: She’s taking it all?
Sam: Idiot.
Garry: We’re not getting divorced. She’s pregnant!
Diane: Garry! Congratulations!
Sam: I didn’t know you had it in you!
Garry: What does that mean?
Sam: You don’t look virile. Let’s just be real here.
Leslie: Oh, my god.
Paul: This show is an HR disaster.
Sam: You say anything, you die!
Charlotte: It’s Sam, it’s what she does.
Sam: You got that right.
Frances: She texted you that cryptically over a pregnancy? What a drama queen!
Leslie: Why didn’t you tell us earlier? We were so worried for you!
Garry: I know you all. You would’ve been asking questions through the whole show if I told you.
Leslie: That’s… fair.
Sam: I think we should go for drinks to celebrate!
Diane: Is that the best idea when someone is pregnant?
Sam: Who said she was coming along? This is a family celebration!
Paul: Where are we going? I’m ready!
Sam: Somewhere in Georgia, get on the first flight!
Paul: No need to be mean about it.
Garry: I’m extremely nervous, but excited at the same time.
Diane: That’s natural.
Garry: I guess I was a real fool of rethinking she was leaving me like that. She would never.
Sam: No, that was actually the sanest, most normal thing you’ve ever done.
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
