Bake Your Heart Out Season 5 Episode 11 - Government Shutdown

Bake Your Heart Out Season 5, Episode 11
Government Shutdown

The group is having breakfast the Sunrise Diner.

Leslie: Do you all remember what’s so special about today’s show?

Sam: Honestly, I couldn’t tell you what happened on last week’s show, and that one has actually occurred already. I certainly don’t remember what’s supposed to happen on today’s show.

Leslie: I told you multiple times.

Charlotte: The governor is visiting us.

Leslie: Very good, Charlotte!

Garry: Honestly, as much as I’d like to dunk on Sam, I forgot that, too.

Sam: What a dork!

Diane: But you yours-

Sam: I don’t care, I’ll take any chance I can to dunk on Garry. He could learn a thing or two from me.

Leslie: I would ask you to all be on your best behavior for today’s visit, but I know you won’t listen.

Diane: I’ll do all I can to make sure she feels welcome. I know she just secured us another few years of tax credits for filming.

Leslie: I forgot about that. I guess I don’t think much about the financials behind the show. I leave that to Paul.

Sam: That line of thinking is how we ended up getting paid less than Freddy and William.

Diane: Don’t say those names!

Leslie: I guess I should probably care a little more about how the show is financed. Luckily, we’re still a hit, and the network is still crazy about us, and we don’t really have to worry about money, because we make a lot of it.

Frances: Do you have anything special planned of her visit?

Leslie: Such as…?

Frances: Last time she stopped by, she got the full red carpet rollout. Are you doing the same, or is just letting her observe the set from afar enough of a gift for her?

Leslie: It’s very last-minute, I didn’t have anything planned. Maybe you can make a cake!

Frances: Oh, can I?

Leslie: We’ll let her try whatever the bakers made. Hell, we’ll let her guest judge.

Sam: Oh, man, we can’t have the financial backer guest judging the show. The episodes of RuPaul’s Drag Race with the sponsors as guest judges were always terrible!

Leslie: She’s been on the show before, this is nothing new.

Diane: I don’t think it would be a bad idea at all. It could certainly be fun for the governor.

Sam: It would also likely mean less speaking time for Garry on this episode. Maybe run it by Paul, see what he thinks!

Leslie: I’ll do that. It’s important to show our appreciation for all the support she’s given to the show over the years.

Sam: Yes, if it weren’t for her, who knows where we, the number one show on TV, would be? Filming in a real state, maybe?

Leslie: Surely you have to appreciate that she got us here, where we met a lifelong friend in Melanie!

Sam: You know what I’m not appreciating? This wait time! Where is that waitress with my eggs?

Diane: Patience, grasshopper.

Frances: I hate saying this, because it only ever serves to inflate her ego, but Sam has a somewhat-legitimate point. It’s definitely slower than usual today.

Diane: It’s busy season, it’s summer. Give them a break.

Frances: Our table consists of half of the patrons of this restaurant at this moment.

Diane: We could all practice a bit more understanding. Complaining won’t get our food here faster.

Charlotte: As long as we get there before the governor, it doesn’t matter to me.

Leslie: We’ll be there well before she’ll be there, no need to worry.

Diane: Oh, look, there comes out food now!

Sam: That’s a bowl of oatmeal, and it’s going to someone else’s table!

Garry: I’m hungry enough, I think I could eat that right about now.

Frances: If we leave now, we can just eat what the contestants bake for the Specialty Challenge as breakfast.

Sam: I want eggs, and I’m not leaving without them!

Diane: Also, it would be awful to bail on our order without paying! Waitresses count own our tips to keep themselves afloat.

Sam: It’d be nice if they could get our food to us within the hour, then.

Later, at the set…

Leslie: Governor Raymond! I am so sorry to keep you waiting!

Gretchen: Oh, don’t be. I’m early! I should have figured you all have things to do before work, I know you’re all very busy people.

Sam: Actually, we were -

Leslie: Very busy, thank you for understanding.

Frances: I think there’s something Leslie wanted to ask of you.

Leslie: Frances, you can’t lead with that! You have to ease into it.

Frances: You’re asking her to guest judge, not marry you.

Leslie: You have to do it with a bit more tact than that, but I guess we’re past that now.

Frances: So, whaddaya say, gov?

Gretchen: Can we talk inside?

Sam: Oh, bad sign.

Leslie: Yes, let’s go in. No reason for us to be talking in some parking lot.

Inside the set…

Sam: So what bad news do you have? You’re acting dodgy, something’s up.

Gretchen: I want you to know how much respect I have for all of you.

Sam: Oh, it’s really bad! Lay it on us, we’re ready.

Diane: Speak for yourself, I’m terrified!

Leslie: You don’t have to guest judge if you don’t want.

Gretchen: I fought so hard for it. I really, really dug me heels in and wrestled for this to happen. Sadly, the legislature has decline to approve my request for an extension of your Rhode Island state tax accreditations. If you choose to shoot future seasons here, you will not receive compensation from the state. I am very sorry.

Leslie: Why did Paul tell us you already got it renewed?

Sam: Typical Paul-ititian.

Diane: Ha! You’ve still got it!

Sam: That was an awful dad joke, don’t laugh at that.

Gretchen: I think he just assumed that it was a done deal. It should have been. This show has brought in a lot of revenue for our state. Heck, it helped stabilize our economy and avoid a government crisis a few years back!

Leslie: Then why, exactly, will they not support renewing the tax credits?

Gretchen: It’s because some people in our government care more about making me look bad than they do about helping the state and serving the people. You know, one of them introduced a bill to ban calamari once. In Rhode Island!

Garry: That’s blasphemy!

Gretchen: Exactly! They just wanted to embarrass me, much like right now. They couldn’t let me get a win in the press, and, sadly, your show has to pay the price for it. I’m very sorry.

Leslie: So our show is getting the shaft because a few grown adult public officials weren’t able to put aside their differences with you and approve a simple tax credit?

Gretchen: I know how ridiculous it sounds, no one would believe me if I said this to them. However, you haven’t met Rivero and Matthews. They’re beyond petty, they’ve held a grudge against me from the moment I took office, because I’m not a corporate stooge.

Sam: Speaking of corporate stooges, where is Paul? And does he know about this?

Gretchen: He should, I send a letter to the network about it this morning. Talks only fell apart last night. Maybe I shouldn’t have included it the omnibus budget bill, but I just didn’t think they’d ever have the nerve to actually cut it, to oppose such a popular measure.

Leslie: It’s not your fault these people are childish.

Frances: Yeah, we have our own child we deal with.

Sam: Don’t talk that way about Garry.

Frances: Didn’t mean Garry!

Garry: She meant you!

Frances: I think they got it, Garry, thanks.

Garry: You’re welcome!

Leslie: Well, Governor Raymond, the offer still stands. If you want to guest judge this week’s show, you are more than welcome to. We appreciate all the help you gave us in the last few years, regardless of how it all ended up.

Gretchen: That would be great! I always love hanging out with you guys.

Sam: Unfortunately, we come as a package deal with Paul, so you are going to have to see him today.

Gretchen: I’m not too concerned about that, he’s not going to hold a grudge.

Sam: He’s very annoying, you never know.

Leslie: Okay, you all need to get to hair and makeup, so we’re ready whenever he does get here. He doesn’t like ups to screw around, and he’s already got one headache because of us, so let’s tread lightly today.

Charlotte: I have to say, Leslie, you’ve taken this news incredibly well, considering the impact it could have on our show.

Leslie: I don’t mean to insult the governor here, but I doubt a little tax credit’s going to change much for us, considering we’re the top show on TV. Someone will give us a good deal if it comes down to that.

Gretchen: Not even ten minutes and you’re already in the market for a new home. I knew this would happen, the legislature played with fire and they’re getting burnt!

Leslie: Leaving Rhode Island is not the goal, but if it comes to it. I do think we’ll be okay. Don’t you guys?

Diane: I don’t know, we were the hosts of the number one show on TV and Paul let us walk all those years ago.

Leslie: Surely he’s learned since then?

Diane: He’s less of an ass since then, but he still loves money. I’m not at peace just yet.

Leslie: Okay, you guys go get ready while I begin to panic about this! See ya soon!

Later that day, at the Riviera Inn…

Diane: Are we telling Melanie?

Sam: Telling her what? The government took our tax credits away? Will she care?

Diane: Telling her that we might not be filming here anymore!

Sam: I don’t know why you’re so concerned about that.

Diane: Think about it, the only reason Paul shipped us here to begin with was because of those tax credits, and that was when our ratings were higher. It’s very likely that he’s going to find somewhere else for us to film now. Maybe back to LA if they give us a good deal.

Garry: That would be nice, I could actually live at my house more than four months a year then.

Sam: Shut up, Garry!

Leslie: We should tell her.

Diane: No! This is not something to worry her about.

Charlotte: She’ll find out eventually, it’ll be in the press. It’s best she hears about the potential move from us.

Garry: I think Sam’s just in denial about what this could mean.

Sam: Don’t play psychiatrist with me, you’re not Frasier!

Frances: He kinda looks like him, though.

Sam: I don’t swing that way, but what a horrible insult to Kelsey Grammar.

Melanie: Hey, guys! What are you all doing out there?

Diane: Oh, uh…

Leslie: The government rejected our tax credits and we might not be coming back to Rhode Island to film anymore!

Melanie collapses.

Sam: Nice going, Les, you killed her!

Diane: Should I call an ambulance? Or the coroner?

Melanie: No, I’m fine!

Sam: She lives!

Melanie: Are you guys really leaving?

Frances: Will we not be addressing what just happened?

Melanie: I was so taken aback and I lost my footing and I just fell. I’m good.

Frances: I was afraid we were having a repeat of Gary’s diabetic coma.

Garry: It wasn’t a coma, it was just a quick little faint, that’s all.

Frances: We thought you were dead, man!

Sam: I learned that day just how quickly joy can be ripped away from you.

Melanie: No one’s answered my question!

Leslie: We don’t know the answer ourselves, but we could be.

Melanie: So this could be it for us.

Leslie: We have two weeks left, regardless of what happens.

Melanie: The last two weeks I’m ever going to see you guys!

Sam: You can’t think of it that way, we’re going to be back. Paul’s not dumb enough to piss us off. Plus, he likes it here himself, so maybe he’ll shell out a bit more cash just to keep production here.

Melanie: So it’s like fifty-fifty on ever seeing you guys again.

Diane: No, it’s one hundred percent that we’ll see you again. Even if filming here stops, we’re going to come back and visit you. You’re very special to all of us. Even Sam, and she doesn’t have a heart!

Sam: It’s true, I’m a medical marvel.

Melanie: It won’t be the same though, will it? I doubt we’d ever all be together again under one roof.

Diane: I can’t say for sure, but never say never.

Melanie: You guys don’t sound so hopeful about filming staying in Rhode Island, based on your answers here.

Diane: We’re all a bunch of worry-warts. Except for Sam, who is blissfully ignorant of the possibility we could be getting shipped off to Florida or South Dakota or some other nightmarish hellhole.

Frances: Or even Delaware. Yikes!

Melanie: What’s wrong with Delaware?

Frances: For starters, it doesn’t exist.

Leslie: We need to focus on the real issue here!

Sam: Why are you talking like a desperate presidential candidate at a primary debate?

Leslie: Because I don’t want us mocking entire states for no reason when we could be explaining that, as of now, there are no signs that the network is filming next season from anywhere but our studio here in Rhode Island. Paul himself made no hint of a move today, in fact, he barely even discussed the tax credit revocation.

Frances: You know, I’m not fully panicked just yet about this, because I think Paul has enough business sense not to fiddle with what’s not broken. However… I do find it fishy that he basically avoided any discussion of it with us.

Sam: Hold up… did she just call Paul smart? I feel woozy.

Diane: Don’t collapse, we can’t have two of us doing that in such a short span of time.

Melanie: Let’s just get her seated to be safe.

Sam: I’m fine, I’m just… why would you do that, Frances?

Frances: You’re this upset that I called the man who cuts our checks “smart?”

Sam: He’s on Garry’s level in the intelligence department, let’s be honest here.

Frances: Don’t be a snowflake because of a simple difference in opinion. Paul can be a jackass, but it takes some smarts to build an empire out of this show. Baking shows weren’t exactly big hit ratings machines before this show came along.

Leslie: She’s right. That’s why I trust Paul to not mess with success, we’re not going anywhere.

Melanie: So I don’t have to cram a lifetime of future memories into two weeks?

Leslie: I don’t think that's necessary, no.

Sam: Also, we’ve already done literally everything that there is to do in Rhode Island, so we’d have nothing to really cram in, anyway.

Melanie: We haven’t been to the tennis museum!

Sam: Yeah, there’s a reason for that.

Diane: I thought lesbians loved tennis? Billie Jean King, Navratilova…

Sam: Awful stereotype. Hurtful, really.

Charlotte: Okay, I think maybe it’s dinner time.

Leslie: That would be nice. You coming, Melanie?

Charlotte: We’re going to a new Italian place!

Melanie: How do you all find a new restaurant like every day? It’s Rhode Island!

Charlotte: This one’s in Massachusetts! It’s a big deal, it’s owned by an NBA player!

Sam: And only Charlotte cares.

Melanie: I can’t pass that up! I’ll take my lunch break now.

Charlotte: Lunch?

Melanie: That’s just what they call it, I only ever use it for dinner, seeing as I start work at four o’clock.

Garry: I should go get Carly, then.

Sam: We were like a minute away from leaving and you just now remembered her?

Garry: We were managing a crisis, I’m sorry I forgot!

Frances: How are you married and none of the rest of us are?

Sam: I’m married!

Frances: Are you?

Sam: You people make me nuts.

The next day, on the set…

Diane: Leslie, where’s the governor?

Leslie: Oh, uh… she had to leave early for some emergency meeting. We only have one more scene to shoot, I didn’t care too much.

Charlotte: Won’t people notice that she left?

Leslie: If they do, so be it. I’m not worried.

Garry: I have a question to ask about when we tasted the Grand Bakes. I think I pronounced Kamala’s name wrong, should I re-record that or can you fix it?

Leslie: I didn’t notice anything, but I can look over it then.

Diane: You don’t seem yourself, Leslie, are you all right?

Leslie: I’m fine, just a little distracted by this tax credit thing. 

Charlotte: You were fine yesterday. You were reassuring us.

Leslie: I had a rough night’s sleep.

Frances: Can confirm. She was sat up in bed like a mummy all through the night, creeped me right the hell out.

Sam: Let’s finish filming, and make sure Leslie doesn’t wander into the view of the camera doing it, and then we can talk her through whatever this is.

Leslie: Sounds like a plan, anything to keep filming going.

Paul: Hey, Les! You all right?

Sam: She’s great! Back to filming were go!

Paul: She looks a little pale and clammy, but -

Sam: She’s from Oklahoma, that’s just what they look like there.

Paul: Okay…

Leslie: All right, everyone, uh… ready, set… uh…

Frances: She’s talking like she’s about to kick off a NASCAR race.

Sam: Places everyone! Action!

Frances: That’s more like it.

Diane: Bakers, you were tasked this week with making three dairy-based desserts, because even though we’re in Rhode Island, there’s always a little bit of Wisconsin in our hearts.

Sam: Well, not mine, I’m not from Wisconsin.

Diane: Neither am I, I just eat a lot of cheese.

Sam: Do you think the cheese just latches onto your heart?

Diane: We are veering wildly off topic!

Sam: Ain’t it fun?

Diane: You all did well this week, but two of you stood above the rest.

Sam: Nancy, your croquembouche in the Judges’ Challenge was one of the most expertly-baked croquembouches our judges had ever seen.

Diane: Kamala, your tiramisu wowed our judges, and your Baked Alaska was an excellent take on the ice cream-centered Specialty Challenge. You’re the Top Baker this week.

Sam: Great job this week, Nancy. You’re safe.

Diane: You are as well, Nathan.

Sam: Unfortunately, some of your dairy creations were a bit more… spoiled.

Diane: But it’s no use crying over spilled milk!

Sam: Well, it will be for one of them.

Diane: Calvin, the judges found your snickerdoodle ice cream sandwiches to be too simple for this stage of the competition, and were very underwhelmed by the fact that they still weren’t executed to perfection.

Sam: Nina, your cream popsicles were also on the simple side, and didn’t embrace the dairy aspect enough. Your Grand Challenge cheesecake was also far from grand, with the judges finding it runny and bland.

Diane: While you’ve both impressed the judges greatly throughout the competition, the judges were unanimous in their verdict that one of you did worse this week. Sadly, we have to say goodbye to…

Sam: You say it, I can’t.

Diane: That was the plan, I’ll keep it. We have to say goodbye to… Nina.

Sam: Nina, our court stenographer, the judges has spoken, and you have been sentenced to elimination. Thank you for coming out and baking your heart out with us, we will miss you.

Diane: And thank you at home for watching! Join us next week for the semi-finals, goodnight!

Sam: Leslie, anything to add?

Leslie: Uh, no?

Sam: Cut!

Leslie: Oh, right!

Frances: I’m just hoping she reminded the cameraman to turn the camera on, that’s not a given today.

Paul: Leslie, can we talk?

Sam: Uh-oh, he hit her with the dreaded “Can we talk?” question. She’s getting fired. It was nice knowing you!

Paul: She’s not getting fired. I’m just worried.

Leslie: What are you worried about?

Paul: You’re not you today.

Leslie: Then who am I?

Paul: Everyone’s a comic.

Leslie: What do you think’s wrong, Paul?

Diane: You’re acting like a nut? I’m sorry, that was out of character, it was mean.

Sam: It was correct.

Leslie: I told the gang earlier, I’m distracted about this whole tax situation. I’m very panicked about our show having to leave Rhode Island.

Paul: Who gave you that idea?

Leslie: I wasn’t worried about it before, but I listened to everyone else panic about it, and now it’s something I can’t stop thinking about. We’re only here to begin with because the state offered the tax credits to you, why would we stay now that they’re gone?

Paul: I wouldn’t make that decision without consulting all of you.

Leslie: You did it before.

Paul: Things are different now. This feels like a second home to all of us, I wouldn’t force you to leave.

Sam: You, you acted like a nut for no reason!

Leslie: I suppose I acted irrationally, I should have just talked to you.

Paul: It’s fine, I haven’t always been fair to all of you. I did force Rhode Island upon you.

Leslie: So we’re definitely not going anywhere?

Paul: Oh my goodness, no! Do I have to tell you again? No!

Leslie: I’m starting to get it now, maybe.

Diane: We should tell Melanie to cancel the going-away party.

Leslie: She planned one?

Diane: She didn’t say as much, but knowing her… let’s be safe.

What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!

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