The group is on the set of Bake Your Heart Out.
Diane: We tasked you with making three chocolate-themed deserts this week, and some of you truly excelled.
Sam: Nathan, after a bottom two stint last week, you rebounded with an excellent black forest cake that left the judges foraging for more.
Diane: However, our top baker this week is someone who effortlessly threaded the needle of mint and chocolate with an exquisite grasshopper cake. Hopping into the top position this week is, of course, Kamala.
Sam: Kamala, the judges also adored your chocolate laddu, which perfectly honored your Indian culture and blended it with American cuisine.
Diane: Also safe this week are Nancy and Carter, whose bakes the judges loved a whole choco-lot.
Sam: Unfortunately, one of you does have to suffer the dreaded… dun dun dun… death by chocolate.
Diane: Were the sound effects necessary?
Sam: We’ll edit in some real scary sounds in post.
Diane: Anyway…
Sam: Oh, yes, anyway. Calvin, your chocolate donut in the Judge’s Challenge was flat and underwhelming, but your Specialty Challenge and Grand Challenge were both successful enough to earn you another week.
Diane: Edgar, your donut lacked flavor, and your iced chocolate cake in the Grand Challenge felt overly simple to the judges, who know that you are capable of bigger and better.
Sam: Nina, you were last week’s top baker, but all three of your bakes this week lacked the finesse that earned you that title in the past. There were notable mistakes, including the obvious lack of salt in your cake and a bitter taste in your white chocolate biscuits that the judges thought tasted more like dark chocolate.
Diane: In the end, only one of you can stay, while we sadly say farewell to the other.
Sam: Edgar, winter has come for you. We are so sorry, but you will be heading home.
Diane: Nine, you are safe to bake another day.
Sam: As we say our emotional farewell to DMV attendant Edgar and watch him drive off into the sunset, we thank you for tuning in to Chocolate Week here on Bake Your Heart Out.
Diane: Join us next week for a week of fruit-themed desserts!
Leslie: Cut! Great show, everyone!
Sam: Do you always mean that, or are you just trying to be nice?
Leslie: I’ll never tell.
Sam: That answers that.
Leslie: It was great! Why is that so hard to believe?
Sam: You’re so sweet. It makes me sick.
Paul: I thought it was great, too. Don’t you trust what I think, either?
Sam: I don’t think of you at all.
Paul: That was uncalled for.
Sam: I’m here to speak the truth, not to kiss butt.
Leslie: Can I speak the truth?
Sam: I believe it’s “may I,” not “can I.”
Leslie: May I speak the truth?
Sam: Sure, go ahead.
Leslie: We have dinner reservations tonight, we hav to get out of here.
Sam: Oh, that’s right! The fanciest place in town!
Paul: The new French place?
Sam: Yeah, sure, let’s say that.
Paul: I’m a VIP, I’ll go get myself a table there, too! This’ll be fun! I’m gonna call right now!
Sam: You do that!
Garry: Are you going to tell him we’re not going to the new French place?
Sam: Not planning on it, Garry.
Garry: Fine by me, you get even meaner than usual when he’s around.
Sam: Men trigger me.
Garry: Is that why you’re so mean to me?
Sam: No, I just hate you.
Charlotte: Okay, with that, I think we’d better get going. Hopefully, Garry won’t try to hide from his wife this time.
Garry: Things are cleared up now, I would never hide from her! Except for when the pregnancy makes her mean, then I probably would.
Sam: Amazing husband skills, I can’t believe no one snagged you up before you were in your fifties.
Garry: You know, that’s a question I often ask myself.
Frances: Garry… she was being sarcastic.
Garry: I know that! I simply choose to respond to bullying with kindness rather than cruelty. I don’t like giving mean people a taste of their own medicine.
Sam: You’re a dope.
Diane: So casually cruel in the name of being honest.
Sam: Is that Taylor Swift? Don’t use Taylor Swift lyrics against me, I’m afraid her fans will somehow find out and attack me.
Leslie: Have we forgotten about dinner?
Diane: Are you surprised?
Leslie: Not in the slightest.
At the restaurant…
Carly: Thank you guys for actually bringing me along this time! I was wondering all day if you actually would.
Frances: We would’ve brought you last week, too, if not for your husband.
Garry: I think the emotionally healthy thing to would be to let this go.
Sam: How about no?
Frances: Garry, I’m very sorry if this upsets you, but I simply find it hilarious how you hid from your own wife because you were so sure you were getting dumped! You even yelled at Melanie to rush to the car just to minimize the chances of Carly seeing you. That’s insane!
Garry: So we really are dwelling on this.
Carly: I have forgiven Garry, it was a lapse in judgment made just because he loves me so much.
Frances: Sure. We’ll go with that.
Leslie: Where is Melanie, by the way? I just realized she’s not here.
Sam: Just now?
Leslie: She’s always so quiet.
Charlotte: She was on a different shift this week, she said she’ll meet us here. She should be here right about now.
Melanie: I’m late!
Charlotte: Oh, no, you’re right on time, don’t worry!
Melanie: No. I’m late.
Sam: Ah, geez. Sit down, we’ll get you a stiff drink.
Diane: Sam!
Sam: Oh, come on, if she is pregnant, it’s early. Doesn’t hurt.
Diane: That’s very faulty logic.
Sam: A pina colada only does the body good. It’s fruit!
Diane: This is why I’m certain I’ll be preceded in death by you.
Sam: Live fast, love hard, die young.
Leslie: Am I the only one amazed by the fact that she appeared right after I asked the question?
Sam: She was supposed to be here any minute, it’s not that amazing.
Charlotte: Melanie, sit down and tell us what’s going on.
Diane: And ignore Sam.
Melanie: I’ve sort of told you what I can. It’s not dinner talk.
Leslie: Don’t be silly, we haven’t even gotten our appetizers yet. Tell us all the gory details!
Frances: You all seem a bit too excited for something that Melanie is clearly upset about. That being said.. go ahead, Mel.
Melanie: There isn’t much to really say. I haven’t had my period in… too long.
Frances: I hesitate to ask -
Melanie: Two months.
Frances: Two months. That’s not so bad. You might not be pregnant. Is there any reason to suspect you could be?
Sam: She’s asking if you’ve h-
Frances: I think she’s aware of what I’m asking.
Melanie: Uh… yes.
Sam: Good for you!
Diane: You look happy and healthy!
Frances: Still, even then, it doesn’t mean pregnancy. You used protection, no?
Charlotte: Ah, man, look at Garry squirm!
Garry: It makes me so uncomfortable to tap about.
Diane: Garry, you do realize your wife is pregnant, no?
Garry: I don’t discuss the methods as to how that happened.
Sam: Well, that’s probably for good reason. Don’t want to get embarrassed.
Carly: Trust me, Sam, I have no complaints.
Sam: Excuse me while I go vomit.
Diane: Don’t say that in front of a pregnant woman! She’ll be sick, too!
Frances: We still have no confirmation whatsoever that she is pregnant. Correct?
Melanie: Correct. If I’m being honest, I only just realized today how long it’s been. I certainly haven’t had any time to process the meaning behind it.
Diane: It’s happened to me before.
Sam: In the words of Linda Ronstadt, it’s been a long, long time since you’ve had to worry about your time of the month.
Diane: I meant it happened when I was pre-menopausal. Stress has a lot to do with it. Have you been stressed?
Melanie: I work in hospitality.
Diane: So that’s a yes.
Leslie: I know this sounds like an interrogation, but I just want to help you figure this out. Is everything all right at home?
Melanie: Nothing’s changed.
Frances: Other than finding a man!
Melanie: Oh, no. We are not together.
Sam: You go, girl!
Melanie: It wasn’t like that, Sam. I don’t judge anyone for what they do, but I’m not a one night stand type of gal. This was a romance that fizzled quick, but, unfortunately, not quick enough.
Diane: Unfortunately?
Melanie: You exclusively listen to Olivia Rodrigo, you know what I’m talking about.
Diane: That was blunt.
Sam: Bluntness is necessary sometimes.
Melanie: This guy was not what I was hoping he would be, and that’s enough of that conversation.
Charlotte: We seem to keep turning back to the pregnancy theory. Maybe you should stop for a test tonight after dinner.
Melanie: I have to get to work straight away.
Diane: I’ll pick it up for you, don’t worry.
Sam: You didn’t drive here.
Diane: Sam and I will pick it up for you.
Melanie: That would be very sweet of you. With that being said, I could use some mozzarella sticks.
Frances: I don’t think this is a mozzarella sticks sorta place.
Melanie: If I can talk freely about missing my period here, I think they can lower themselves to serving mozzarella sticks.
Later that night, Melanie knocks on Sam and Diane’s door.
Diane: Leslie! Is that you?
Melanie: Not quite!
Diane: Oh, come on in!
Sam: Who is that? It’s late!
Diane: The Bachelorette isn’t even over yet, it’s not late.
Melanie: I’m sorry to bug both of you, you are clearly -
Sam: In our pajamas and ready for bed? Yes, we are, but we don’t mind you bugging us. It’s the rest of them that aren’t allowed.
Diane: Is everything all right with you? It’s not like you to drop by this late.
Melanie: I just had the chance to take the test.
Diane: And?
Melanie: It’s a no. Not pregnant.
Sam: Oh, thank god. That would have been terrible.
Diane: Sam!
Sam: Terribly wonderful!
Melanie: No, it would have been awful. As much as I love my daughter, the last thing I need right now is another child.
Sam: See, I always speak the truth, even when it’s harsh.
Melanie: I don’t know what’s wrong with me, though. This isn’t normal for me, I’ve never missed a period before aside from when I was pregnant.
Diane: I don’t think it’s something to worry much about, but if you are concerned, you can always go to the doctor about it. They can run tests, and, I assure you, they know a heck of a lot more about health than any of us.
Sam: I could’ve been a doctor.
Diane: And I could’ve been Sally Ride. Get ahold of yourself.
Melanie: I think that’s a smart idea. Even if I’m fine, it’ll be nice to get peace of mind. Now, I have to get back to work. I just wanted to tell you two the results before you headed to bed. By the way, if my manager asks, I was up here to fix your DVD player.
Diane: But we don’t h-
Melanie: Just stick with that, it’ll work.
Three days later…
Melanie: Guys!
Frances: We love you, Melanie, we really do. Is there a reason you’re sitting here in the lobby not working?
Garry: Did they fire you for being pregnant? They can’t do that, that’s discrimination!
Melanie: You didn't tell him?
Diane: You know, it must have just slipped our mind.
Garry: Tell me what?
Frances: She’s not pregnant, Einstein.
Charlotte: I could have sworn we talked about this while we were on the ferry.
Frances: He was in the bathroom with seasickness.
Charlotte: We’ve all been very nauseous lately, haven’t we?
Frances: You never did answer my question, Melanie. You’re not on the clock, what are you doing here?
Melanie: Maybe we can chat in Sam and Diane’s room?
Diane: That would be fine.
Sam: Would it?
Diane: Yes.
Melanie: Thank you. I don’t want to talk about this in public.
Charlotte: Maybe she really is pregnant!
Melanie: Oh, uh… no.
In Sam and Diane’s room…
Leslie: So, you’ve officially captured my interest. What is going on?
Melanie: I went to the doctor a few days ago and told them what was going on. They ran all the tests, gave me a full checkup, exhausted every possible option, and they have now figured out what’s going on: I’m suffering from premature menopause.
Charlotte: Pardon my ignorance, but that can happen at your age? That’s awful!
Melanie: Yes, I am a menopausal thirty-four-year-old woman. It’s not the greatest feeling, if I’m being honest.
Frances: And how does that make you feel?
Melanie: Like a failure as a woman.
Leslie: No! You didn’t do anything wrong, some women just get unlucky here. You’re just as much and just as good a woman as any of us.
Sam: I would go out on a limb here and even say you’re a better woman than Garry is!
Melanie: I appreciate the kind words. Well, Leslie’s words were kind, Sam’s were kinda mean.
Charlotte: She’s Sam, it’s what she does.
Melanie: Still, I’m just so broken up about this. I can never have another child.
Charlotte: Was that something you wanted? I didn’t know that.
Melanie: It was nice to have the option. I had a daughter very young with a man who abandoned me when things got tough. Maybe it would’ve been nice to have a child when I was a bit older and wiser and knew what I was doing. Look at Garry and Carly, they’ve had children late in life.
Sam: Good going, Garry, she’s upset because of you.
Melanie: I never said that! My own regrets aren’t Garry’s fault.
Garry: Thank you, Melanie. That means a lot.
Frances: Blubbering idiot.
Diane: Melanie, I have to say something. Maybe I’m overstepping.
Melanie: I don’t really think there are many boundaries left here. We had a very in-depth dinner conversation about my period and sex life like three days ago.
Leslie: Oh, we could’ve gone much deeper.
Melanie: I have no doubts. What I’m saying is, we’re family, go right ahead.
Diane: I know this news is tough, and no one ever wants to hear it, but life will go on for you. Are you a believe in fate?
Melanie: A little.
Diane: I am. This is hard to grapple with, and it does make you feel broken. When I became menopausal, I also felt broken. I was forty-nine, I was already going through problems in my marriage and my professional life, and it all just made me feel old. Hollywood was throwing me to the curb, my husband was about to, and now the change sets in and I felt ruined. What I learned is it doesn’t mean anything, regardless of what age it happens. It happens when it’s supposed to, and it doesn’t define you in any way.
Melanie: I appreciate that, but you have fifteen years longer than I did before it happened. It’s not supposed to happen to someone my age, it’s not normal!
Frances: Normal isn’t normal! We’re all freaks, that’s how we’re meant to be.
Melanie: What am I supposed to tell any man I meet? “Hi, I’m Melanie, I know I look young, but I have the ovaries of a fifty year-old woman? Would you like to have dinner now?”
Charlotte: I mean, I wouldn’t use that as a pickup line, but any man who is turned off by a little premature menopause isn’t a man you want anyway.
Leslie: But, really, save that for a little later. Weird opening line.
Melanie: You have all cheered me up a bit, I have to say. I get a kick out of yo u guys.
Frances: We are very funny humans.
Melanie: It’s gonna be okay. I’m hot - literally - and that’s okay.
Leslie: Now, let’s put a pause on the men and go for dinner, shall we?
Melanie: Not that fancy place from a few days ago, though. I was so hungry when we got out of there.
Frances: Are we sure you’re not pregnant? They didn’t mix up the results?
Melanie: No, I just like to eat more than a half-dollar sized scallop as my dinner.
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
